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I like to watch my wife with other men

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I like to watch my wife with other men

Postby FunWithWife » Fri Nov 06, 2009 4:17 am

I have been in a long term relationship with a woman for over 4 years. Over the years, we discussed swinging and alternative lifestyles and the like. She did phone sex with cam for a while. In the beginning she would cheat constantly, but in the past year has stopped the cheating. I have been with only her the entire time. But I always enjoyed watching her with other men. We have been to porn theaters, gloryholes, etc. We used to have men come over just to have sex with her, while I watched or sometimes video taped it. I am not into guys, and have no feelings towards men sexually. But now she claims it was all just an act, and doesn't want to do it anymore. She wants me to make love to her. Now that's fine, I want to please her, but I still have these wild fantasies of her being pleased by others that I'd love to have acted out. Am I an addict?
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Re: I like to watch my wife with other men

Postby FrayedEndOfSanity » Sat Nov 07, 2009 12:52 am

Welcome to the sandbox. :)

Just like there's a difference between f---ing, sex and making love, there's a difference between a habit, an addiction and a coping mechanism.

An addiction differs from a habit in that an addict can't function normally without the substance or activity. So it falls back to you to answer the question of "Am I an addict?" Can you see this relationship progressing without the involvement of other people? Will your enjoyment of it be impaired by the lack of other men?

Coping mechanisms are habits that have become crutches. Have you always enjoyed watching her with other guys? Or did you start doing it after she started cheating? Some men will choose this route to get a sense of control over the cheating. Were you a swinger before she came into your life?

She might very well be telling the truth that the f---ing was just an act. There are people, women and men alike, who manage to remove the intimacy from sex and do it for the physical pleasure--or pain, whatever the turn-on. :twisted: Sometimes, this is also a coping mechanism. It's a way of being close to someone without being vulnerable.

It could be that, after 4 years, she feels comfortable enough with you that she wants to actually be intimate with you. If that is the case, you have to make a decision: will you stay with her because you love her, or will you look for a new partner because sex is the priority? I'm not saying that either one is right or wrong; I'm just stating some options.

If you choose to stay and remain monogamous, there are things you can do to fulfill your fantasies, at least in part. A mirror next to the bed can help. Dress in clothes that you wouldn't normally wear; dye your hair. When you look in the mirror, the visual image will be that of another person going at it with your wife. The same goes for videotaping the two of you and watching it, either later, by yourself, or together. If she's willing, you can watch her masturbate. Try having her tie you to something and then go at it by herself with a life-like toy until she allows you to join in. Ask her to tell you stories of things that the two of you have done together--but instead of saying "you", have her tell it in the third person, referring to you as "he."

And the list goes on...The trick is to separate exactly what turns you on about seeing her with other men from the act itself. Other than turned on, what do you feel when you see her like that? Is it jealousy? Rage? Humiliation? The notion that you can do it better? An excuse for "punishing", S&M-type sex with her afterward? Figure out what you're getting from it, and I'll bet you'll find a way to replicate it without another guy there.

I think the biggest question, though, is: are you comfortable making love to her and opening yourself up? Do you trust her enough to do that? Sounds like she'd like to take a break from f---ing and just wants to be sweet. Are you the type of guy that does "sweet?"
Do not take my advice before talking to your doctor/counselor/other professional. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find free, confidential care. Most importantly, sometimes your shrink can be wrong. Get a second opinion.
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Re: I like to watch my wife with other men

Postby FunWithWife » Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:03 am

An addiction differs from a habit in that an addict can't function normally without the substance or activity. So it falls back to you to answer the question of "Am I an addict?" Can you see this relationship progressing without the involvement of other people? Will your enjoyment of it be impaired by the lack of other men?


Yes, I can see the relationship progressing, but my enjoyment will certainly be impaired by the lack of others.

Coping mechanisms are habits that have become crutches. Have you always enjoyed watching her with other guys? Or did you start doing it after she started cheating? Some men will choose this route to get a sense of control over the cheating. Were you a swinger before she came into your life?


I have 'swung' in the past with prior long term relationships. I believe I was just getting into how much this actually turned me on back then. I had past girlfriends have sex with other men in front of me, with no trouble, but back then didn't fantasize about it constantly.

She might very well be telling the truth that the f---ing was just an act. There are people, women and men alike, who manage to remove the intimacy from sex and do it for the physical pleasure--or pain, whatever the turn-on. :twisted: Sometimes, this is also a coping mechanism. It's a way of being close to someone without being vulnerable.


I believe you are right, most of the time. However she has had the most intense orgasms I've ever seen her have while being with me and another man. On several occasions. Almost always I am intimate with her following her encounters with others.

It could be that, after 4 years, she feels comfortable enough with you that she wants to actually be intimate with you. If that is the case, you have to make a decision: will you stay with her because you love her, or will you look for a new partner because sex is the priority? I'm not saying that either one is right or wrong; I'm just stating some options.


I know her well enough to believe that somewhere along the way she will find someone that she wants to fool around with. I love her, but it's almost like she wants to have it on her terms and her rules. She does have the tendency to change her mind based on the person and the mood she's in.

If you choose to stay and remain monogamous, there are things you can do to fulfill your fantasies, at least in part. A mirror next to the bed can help. Dress in clothes that you wouldn't normally wear; dye your hair. When you look in the mirror, the visual image will be that of another person going at it with your wife. The same goes for videotaping the two of you and watching it, either later, by yourself, or together. If she's willing, you can watch her masturbate. Try having her tie you to something and then go at it by herself with a life-like toy until she allows you to join in. Ask her to tell you stories of things that the two of you have done together--but instead of saying "you", have her tell it in the third person, referring to you as "he."


I do enjoy it when she tells me stories of her experiences with other men. The having me dress up, I'll run by her, but I don't think she'll be into it.

And the list goes on...The trick is to separate exactly what turns you on about seeing her with other men from the act itself. Other than turned on, what do you feel when you see her like that? Is it jealousy? Rage? Humiliation? The notion that you can do it better? An excuse for "punishing", S&M-type sex with her afterward? Figure out what you're getting from it, and I'll bet you'll find a way to replicate it without another guy there.


The feeling I have is like this; "That's the woman I got, and I get that all the time, you got lucky to get it once and I know you wish you could have a woman like her." Those are the toughts in my head that create the turn on other than the visual imagery.

I think the biggest question, though, is: are you comfortable making love to her and opening yourself up? Do you trust her enough to do that? Sounds like she'd like to take a break from f---ing and just wants to be sweet. Are you the type of guy that does "sweet?"


I have been sweet, and I have toned down dramatically the comments, innuendos and other things I would normally say to try to create a fantasy event. So I am trying the sweet route, but the fantasies still linger. Even masturbating I watch her videos, or think of her with other guys. So it feels like I am tore in two.

Thanks for making me think things out. I welcome anymore comments and suggestions. Thank you
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Re: I like to watch my wife with other men

Postby FrayedEndOfSanity » Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:42 pm

It sounds like you genuinely love her and are proud to have her. :) I think that the reasons for your being turned on while she's with someone else are very positive.

What worries me is that, like you said, the relationship seems to be on her terms. I can see why you consider it cheating when you're not there. When you're present, it's something that you two do together, something you're a part of. But if she goes off and does her own thing, it's different.

Compromises are one thing, but yielding almost completely is a whole other story. I don't want you to become even more emotionally invested and then get hurt. Not saying that you necessarily will, but there's a chance.

Based on what you said, I don't think that you have an addiction. I think that you're having a hard time downshifting to less exciting scenarios. It's like getting used to eating steak every day and then having to scale back to beans'n'rice. It's a habit. If you were having a hard time getting aroused without another guy present, then I think it would qualify as an addiction. So far, it just sounds like something you greatly miss.

I love giving and receiving oral sex, but my fiance doesn't like to go down on me. It's just not his thing. He has in the past, but not anymore. Sure, I miss it and I'm slightly frustrated, but it's not a dealbreaker. I'm willing to compromise because he loves me and makes me feel safe. I trust him. I've compromised on many other things, but I still feel that it's a give-and-take situation. However, if I caught him going down on someone else (however unlikely that is), we would have serious problems and I might break it off--for the reason of "Why the hell wouldn't you do that for me?"

So, from my point of view, I think that it would help to write out a list of pros and cons in this relationship. What are your compromises going to get you? If it's going to be a stable, nurturing, give-and-take relationship, then it might be worth it. If it isn't, then it would be best if you were honest with yourself about how much you're willing to give without reciprocation.

I know that it sounds like a cold cost/benefit analysis. Also, some people are naturally givers and seem to have to end as to how much they can give without reciprocation--and it doesn't bother them. The question is, what is going to make you happy, both in the short and long term.

Try making a list of priorities in your relationship. How far up there is watching your wife with other guys? How far up there is a give-and-take relationship? What other things are important to you? (You don't have to list it all here, just be mindful of what you really want.) If you notice that things that are most important to you are not being respected, there might be a bigger problem in the relationship than the simple shift in sexual behavior.

Now, I'm not saying "dump her." If you come to that decision, you must do so on your own. I'm just throwing more thoughts out there--and I'll be very happy if, after careful consideration, you find that the only issue really IS the sudden shift to "more sweet, less f---ing". In that case, the "downshifting" is the only thing you'll have to get used to.

And one more thing: I've had some pretty awesome beans and rice. Both literally and metaphorically (i.e., in bed). You just have to prepare them right. ;)
Do not take my advice before talking to your doctor/counselor/other professional. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find free, confidential care. Most importantly, sometimes your shrink can be wrong. Get a second opinion.
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