An addiction differs from a habit in that an addict can't function normally without the substance or activity. So it falls back to you to answer the question of "Am I an addict?" Can you see this relationship progressing without the involvement of other people? Will your enjoyment of it be impaired by the lack of other men?
Coping mechanisms are habits that have become crutches. Have you always enjoyed watching her with other guys? Or did you start doing it after she started cheating? Some men will choose this route to get a sense of control over the cheating. Were you a swinger before she came into your life?
She might very well be telling the truth that the f---ing was just an act. There are people, women and men alike, who manage to remove the intimacy from sex and do it for the physical pleasure--or pain, whatever the turn-on. Sometimes, this is also a coping mechanism. It's a way of being close to someone without being vulnerable.
It could be that, after 4 years, she feels comfortable enough with you that she wants to actually be intimate with you. If that is the case, you have to make a decision: will you stay with her because you love her, or will you look for a new partner because sex is the priority? I'm not saying that either one is right or wrong; I'm just stating some options.
If you choose to stay and remain monogamous, there are things you can do to fulfill your fantasies, at least in part. A mirror next to the bed can help. Dress in clothes that you wouldn't normally wear; dye your hair. When you look in the mirror, the visual image will be that of another person going at it with your wife. The same goes for videotaping the two of you and watching it, either later, by yourself, or together. If she's willing, you can watch her masturbate. Try having her tie you to something and then go at it by herself with a life-like toy until she allows you to join in. Ask her to tell you stories of things that the two of you have done together--but instead of saying "you", have her tell it in the third person, referring to you as "he."
And the list goes on...The trick is to separate exactly what turns you on about seeing her with other men from the act itself. Other than turned on, what do you feel when you see her like that? Is it jealousy? Rage? Humiliation? The notion that you can do it better? An excuse for "punishing", S&M-type sex with her afterward? Figure out what you're getting from it, and I'll bet you'll find a way to replicate it without another guy there.
I think the biggest question, though, is: are you comfortable making love to her and opening yourself up? Do you trust her enough to do that? Sounds like she'd like to take a break from f---ing and just wants to be sweet. Are you the type of guy that does "sweet?"
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