Hello out there! This will be a long intro- but I appreciate you reading it, and maybe offering words of wisdom.
My name is Meredith, my husband is a sex addict. I recently left him, taking our daughter and most of our home. In the time of our separation (almost 2 weeks) I have had so many emotions and so many questions. Now that I have found this resource, I am hopeful that I can begin to understand more about the addiction that has so ripped my family and my life apart.
My husband has been caught "cheating" on me at least 5 times now. The beginning of the problem was when he began massage school where he met a classmate who he soon became attracted too. He took beautiful photographs of pinup style modeling and we worked together often. I was hair and makeup and he was the photographer. When he met this particular girl, he suddenly veered away from our plan and went on with photographing she and her sister without me, and without my knowledge. These photos became an obession for him. His friendship with her grew, and he began to slip out to hang out with she and her sister (who openly hit on him and made it clear that I was not as attractive as she was, and that she was a more obvious choice) these girls built what felt to me, like an ego that I did not know. As things became more obvious to me, I asked him to sever his friendship with these girls- he promised he would. The day after our wedding, on our way to our honeymoon, he admitted that he had been at their house the day before we were married. He promised that it was only to bake cookies and watch a movie. While he did have cookies, he couldn't tell me what movie they watched. I knew he was lying... but still I stayed. Eventually the girl began to email me, and call me, and call my work giving the details of the affair. He still told me there was no physical affair, but that he did have an emotional one.
Since that time, I have heard promise after promise. He has been caught responding to or posting ads for sex on various websites. Even during my pregnancy. I was horrified, but scared to leave. I yelled and screamed and threw him against a wall, I thought, "He has to hear me. He has to understand that this is not right!" but still, the promises were made and broken again.
This most recent discovery was again, internet personal ads. Some of the ads he was himself, others he was posing as a woman, or a couple... I had to leave this time. He wasn't even apologetic about what I had found, he felt that it was not as big a deal as I was making it. He swore that it was all fantasy, never physical and that I had no right to be angry because I was not having sex with him enough, or not doing enough for him. I will stop here and say that I am not guiltless of playing into his addiction. I let him manipulate me in some ways, making me think that if I gave in and allowed him to sleep with other women, that we would be okay. I did not want my marriage to fail, so I set up the boundary that I HAD to know EVERYTHING and EVERY DETAIL and that I had the right to screen his choices. I was never asked to screen anyone, I was never told about these ads, I was never asked my opinion about what he was doing... it was all secrets and lies.
I felt when I left that he absolutely had betrayed me, even when I had given in to his wishes. I left because I realized I was putting my daughter in a very precarious situation. She is only a year old, but I had no idea who my husband was with and who would see her or be brought around her.
I guess I am here to ask if my choice to leave was the right one? I understand that no one can tell me for certain, that I am the only one who could choose for myself and my child. I sometimes have feelings of guilt for leaving, like I was leaving someone who was sick and dying, at a time when they needed me the most. I paid for his SAA books, and told him that I wouldn't return home for a minimum of 90 days IF he worked his 12 step program AND sought therapy for himself as well as family therapy for us.
My husband has admitted to me that since we have been separated, he has used ecstacy, binged on pornography, and considered visiting strip clubs. He has told me repeatedly that he has messed up, but is still going to meetings and that these are "normal setbacks." I have a hard time with this idea. Especially since I took our child and about 90% of our home's furnishings. Yet somehow, he expects me to reconcile with him.
Its like what I have done doesn't exist to him. I LEFT him, I took our child... he's seen her TWICE in 2 weeks, and spoken to her on the phone once. I have begged him for a visitation schedule, but he has yet to commit to one. He talks about us taking a vacation to the beach with our daughter- its as though I haven't left.
My heart is broken by what I have seen and heard from him. I didn't even leave because of my own hurt, I left out of fear for my child. I didn't want anything to ever happen to her, or for her to see me treated this way and to find it acceptable for a man to treat her this way.
I want my husband to get help. I want him to be a good man and father... I just don't know what else to do. I can't make him do anything, but his addiction has made ME feel powerless.
Thank you for reading this... I know it was very long.
Last edited by Meredith
on Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.