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My husband is a sex addict

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My husband is a sex addict

Postby Meredith » Sat Jul 18, 2009 2:38 am

Hello out there! This will be a long intro- but I appreciate you reading it, and maybe offering words of wisdom.
My name is Meredith, my husband is a sex addict. I recently left him, taking our daughter and most of our home. In the time of our separation (almost 2 weeks) I have had so many emotions and so many questions. Now that I have found this resource, I am hopeful that I can begin to understand more about the addiction that has so ripped my family and my life apart.

My husband has been caught "cheating" on me at least 5 times now. The beginning of the problem was when he began massage school where he met a classmate who he soon became attracted too. He took beautiful photographs of pinup style modeling and we worked together often. I was hair and makeup and he was the photographer. When he met this particular girl, he suddenly veered away from our plan and went on with photographing she and her sister without me, and without my knowledge. These photos became an obession for him. His friendship with her grew, and he began to slip out to hang out with she and her sister (who openly hit on him and made it clear that I was not as attractive as she was, and that she was a more obvious choice) these girls built what felt to me, like an ego that I did not know. As things became more obvious to me, I asked him to sever his friendship with these girls- he promised he would. The day after our wedding, on our way to our honeymoon, he admitted that he had been at their house the day before we were married. He promised that it was only to bake cookies and watch a movie. While he did have cookies, he couldn't tell me what movie they watched. I knew he was lying... but still I stayed. Eventually the girl began to email me, and call me, and call my work giving the details of the affair. He still told me there was no physical affair, but that he did have an emotional one.

Since that time, I have heard promise after promise. He has been caught responding to or posting ads for sex on various websites. Even during my pregnancy. I was horrified, but scared to leave. I yelled and screamed and threw him against a wall, I thought, "He has to hear me. He has to understand that this is not right!" but still, the promises were made and broken again.

This most recent discovery was again, internet personal ads. Some of the ads he was himself, others he was posing as a woman, or a couple... I had to leave this time. He wasn't even apologetic about what I had found, he felt that it was not as big a deal as I was making it. He swore that it was all fantasy, never physical and that I had no right to be angry because I was not having sex with him enough, or not doing enough for him. I will stop here and say that I am not guiltless of playing into his addiction. I let him manipulate me in some ways, making me think that if I gave in and allowed him to sleep with other women, that we would be okay. I did not want my marriage to fail, so I set up the boundary that I HAD to know EVERYTHING and EVERY DETAIL and that I had the right to screen his choices. I was never asked to screen anyone, I was never told about these ads, I was never asked my opinion about what he was doing... it was all secrets and lies.

I felt when I left that he absolutely had betrayed me, even when I had given in to his wishes. I left because I realized I was putting my daughter in a very precarious situation. She is only a year old, but I had no idea who my husband was with and who would see her or be brought around her.

I guess I am here to ask if my choice to leave was the right one? I understand that no one can tell me for certain, that I am the only one who could choose for myself and my child. I sometimes have feelings of guilt for leaving, like I was leaving someone who was sick and dying, at a time when they needed me the most. I paid for his SAA books, and told him that I wouldn't return home for a minimum of 90 days IF he worked his 12 step program AND sought therapy for himself as well as family therapy for us.
My husband has admitted to me that since we have been separated, he has used ecstacy, binged on pornography, and considered visiting strip clubs. He has told me repeatedly that he has messed up, but is still going to meetings and that these are "normal setbacks." I have a hard time with this idea. Especially since I took our child and about 90% of our home's furnishings. Yet somehow, he expects me to reconcile with him.
Its like what I have done doesn't exist to him. I LEFT him, I took our child... he's seen her TWICE in 2 weeks, and spoken to her on the phone once. I have begged him for a visitation schedule, but he has yet to commit to one. He talks about us taking a vacation to the beach with our daughter- its as though I haven't left.
My heart is broken by what I have seen and heard from him. I didn't even leave because of my own hurt, I left out of fear for my child. I didn't want anything to ever happen to her, or for her to see me treated this way and to find it acceptable for a man to treat her this way.

I want my husband to get help. I want him to be a good man and father... I just don't know what else to do. I can't make him do anything, but his addiction has made ME feel powerless.

Thank you for reading this... I know it was very long.
Last edited by Meredith on Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My husband is a sex addict

Postby Ravine » Sat Jul 18, 2009 2:04 pm

HI meredith,

You have already done everything. gave him many chances for apology and excuses. But after this all he had not shown any sign or marks of change. he seems so much unfaithful to you. I can understand what do you mean by marriage? You had taken care of him and now on you are going to handle your child. You are doing good. Just forget those moments, really, he doesn't deserve you. In the least he had not thought about you, i am saying this as you had wrote here.

Well, if you want to give him a chance to make comeback in your life as father and good husband. Then do this, just stay away for some time. Tell him that you should consult psych. or therapist. First get ok and then come to you. In case if you live with him, he will think that you had excused him and may be he continue his addiction. So for your safety live apart from him and give advice till he gets ok. I am sure if he is changed then he will show you some sign at least. Be patient. Give him chance in this way. Who knows may be he can change himself? no? For your child, you give love and help. Look after very well , focus on child's well brought up. Keep away your child from your stressed relationship.
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Re: My husband is a sex addict

Postby Meredith » Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:18 am

Thank you for those words.

I will absolutely follow them. I knew leaving that the chance is very great that I may never return and he may never get well. I think you are right that I need to give him the space to get well and to assume my role as a separate entity. His daughter has so far only seen him through supervised visitation, his family has asked to see her as well- but bristled at the idea that they need supervision from ME.

These are topics that have been discussed at length with him... tonight I saw the first signs of realization. The same tears fall every time, but in this case, he said that he was thankful that I left him. He agreed that my choices so far have been good ones even if they are uncomfortable for us all.

What a way to begin clarity.... I never imagined in my wildest nightmares that this is what would become of my marriage. Its very hard. More than anything, I want him to be well even if we are not together ever again. If I had the money, I would fund his trip to an inpatient program if he wanted it. But I don't. I'm now a single mom, and life is more of a struggle now than ever.

Do you believe that SAA alone works?
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Re: My husband is a sex addict

Postby Ravine » Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:31 am

hello meredith,

I read you reply today. You are very strong woman, indeed. See, i told you that you should leave in such a way that he will feel that he was doing wrong and let him realize what he had done. But now i want to say, now you should see him, i meant keep watch on him when he talks to you. May be his tears are saying right. But don't go to him, when you feel that he is completely changed.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow? May be he realize all that things he had done with you, and there is one possibility if he comes back, then your marriage life will be back. I know you suffered from many things and those was very bad. I am sorry for those all. Now see, the current situation, you're single mom, you should be v. careful for your daughter, find the job for you, yes, i can feel that your life is full of struggle now. Need to be strong from inner and don't lose any hopes you have.

At last i am saying help him by staying away from him and you are thinking in right manner. I hope you continue this. :)
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Re: My husband is a sex addict

Postby winginitx » Sun Dec 20, 2009 6:53 pm

Meridith,

I know this is an old post but I hoppe you read here often and get this. I just wanted to say that things can turn around. I was actualy worse than you hub, had a zillion affairs and aberrent sexual escapades. I made the decision to get help to save me and my 23 year marriage. I did the hard work, 12 step program, accountability groups, etc. and my wife stayed by me - although she knows only parts of that life. The bottom line is that I am contrite and want to be a better man; for me, for her, for us and for my faith.
It is not an easy road..for either of you. But if he is a good man and farther and wants to get better, I just ask to look past your hurt if you can and then make that decision;
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Re: My husband is a sex addict

Postby kshep3 » Mon May 31, 2010 3:07 am

OMG Meredith. You have discribed my life to a T. I never in a million years, thought that anyone else was living the same life as me. My heart truely goes out to you. I have been married for 20 years, to a sex addict. My husband has cheated on me more times that I can count. Even went as far as sleeping with my next door neighbor. Talk about humiliating. I always blamed myself, I wasnt attractive enough, My body wasnt sexy enough, ect. I didnt think I could support my children on my own, so I remained in this relationship for far too long. After 20 years of marriage, I walked out on him a week ago, after I caught him putting his profile on a "sexual friendship" website. (basically internet prostitution in my eyes). He has finally relized that he has an addiction, but it took me walking out for him to open his eyes to the destruction he has caused. He is now in a 12 step program, as well as going to 1 on 1 councelling. I really hope it works for him, because I want him to be able to have a healthy, happy relationship someday. As for me, I am also going to 1 on 1 councelling so that someday I can truely forgive him for the pain he has caused me, as well as forgiving myself for allowing it to go on for so many years. I have finally come to terms with the fact that "It wasnt my fault" & "I did nothing wrong". For 20 years he has always manipulated the situation, and I was the one who appologised. But no more. I am finally taking back my life, and I will again be the happy person I once was. Because I miss "ME". Thank you for sharing your story, as hard as I know it must be. But so you know, It has put another piece back together in my shattered heart, to know that Im not alone. (as sad as that is to admit) Best of luck to you and your daughter as you go on this very difficult journey.
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