Hard time w self pleasure...

Does anyone else struggle with masturbating &... feeling nasty about it?
I can only really masturbate after i've smoked because without weed, I have no desire to touch myself. I have tried and I instantly recoil with repulsion. WHEW, it overwhelms my system and feels insanely inappropriate to touch my own breasts! I HATE IT.
I don't know how to work through all this shame that I have. How will I ever have a healthy sexual relationship with anyone else if I can't even have one with myself?

But you say you have no desire to masturbate? Is it that you do but you can't overcome feelings that it is wrong which are stronger? The weed lowers the inhibitions that are stopping you. What if someone else that you liked and cared about was touching you would you feel repulsed then? You can be fine with someone else touching you and not feel fine about masturbating. Are you okay with your body? What shames you and why?

Magnums wrote:But you say you have no desire to masturbate? Is it that you do but you can't overcome feelings that it is wrong which are stronger? The weed lowers the inhibitions that are stopping you. What if someone else that you liked and cared about was touching you would you feel repulsed then? You can be fine with someone else touching you and not feel fine about masturbating. Are you okay with your body? What shames you and why?

Wow, I'm just now seeing this, please excuse me!
Thanks for responding though. Let me ponder on an answer.

I think I do want to masturbate but it feels so difficult for me when i'm not high, yes definitely a lowering of inhibitions.
I imagine that when someone else I care about were you touch me that it would feel great-in theory. I can be very sexually forward & responsive physically while having there be chaos in my head around what I am supposed to do and touch at certain times. I'm like hyper aware of myself when engaging physically with others. I feel like i'm trying to be okay in my body but its hard. I never really feel fully grounded in it.

Most likely there's a correlation here to the dominant values your parents have passed down to you.

Everything is better when high for some people. I remember in college,
"Dude! Have you seen Star Wars, when high?"
"Dude! Have you been to a concert, when high?"
So it's still pretty good when sober, just not as amazing of a sensory experience.

I think you want to feel satisfied, I mean to give your body what it asks for, but values have been passed were masturbation is wrong. No shame in masturbation, although it can lower self esteem if you do it too often instead of finding a partner. Also relationships teach you a lot, even if they are only based on sex.