shapeshifting wrote:This term makes me feel so dirty and ashamed. I much prefer saying that I have hyper sexual disorder but nonetheless.... I have it. I've had an inkling about it now for a while.... I have been using craigslist to fulfill my sexual needs since high school. I have had a serious porn addiction, often frequenting sex chat rooms at home when I was young. I have been caught multiple times. I was caught once with a man at my house and somehow managed to narrowly escape that.
Recently, I had two men basically back to back, two nights in a row. Even when I didn't want to do something, even when I didn't REALLY want to follow through....I still did.
It's terrifying to type this. My mother was an addict, and I come from a family of addiction. Even despite going to private schools and fighting tooth & nail to not be like my mom.... I still developed an addiction. I'm sad about it.. trying to accept it but it makes me feel oh so dirty & shameful.
I have apparently a "Porn Addiction" too, however unlike you, I don't relate to the many things you said such as the craigslist thing, chat rooms, etc, I did not grow in a family of addiction or have any family history of mental illness. I have had ongoing clinical depression that seemed to hit me right after high school which i then started watching porn to relief myself or whatever as that was like the only thing that really "helped". I do have some "Abuse" in my past, but most of this is a progressive relative things that has many factors to it and isn't just from one specific thing, some of it is from personality differences, some of it is from watching traumatizing movies, scenes, etc, and others from other areas such as environment, upbringing and probably simply biological and having "Bad brain chemistry" since no one else in my family is anywhere near dysfunctional with the low quality of life i live and been living and i know them well enough to make such "assumption".
As someone who suffers from severe clinical depression, I have to regularly masturbate and ejaculate with porn every day or at least once every two days or else i become very dysfunctional, can't eat, can't sleep, can't mentally or physically do the things i normally do, and i progress into a worsening state of panic, anxiety, stress, agitation and get this progressively worsening brain swelling that feels like a brain tumor while feeling like I'm half dead or a vegetable, it doesn't matter what circumstance or how much emptiness or boredom i have. The porn HAS / IS my medication basically, however, It's also something that i can't do too much, I have to be conscious about it everyday as to not do it more than once with ejaculation or else I hit into this depressive state that is too dysfunctional because the chemicals or whatever become too imbalanced and i get cut off too much, and it affects my mood, etc.
I really do not want to go back to taking psychiatric medications due to horrible side effects and never have found a working medication yet, I was hospitalized not too long ago not because of my mental health condition, but because of the side effects from some anti psychotic that this stupid psychiatric has prescribed to me, thinking it would help my "anger" that i told her is something i struggle with a lot. Um genius...psychiatrist, you do realize anger is part of depression, so why prescribe me an antipsychotic that often times makes depression worse..., and that's exactly what it felt like, it felt like my dopamine reached almost 0 or something and my body entered shock or something. the drug literally made my eyes hurt so bad, i felt like a mentally ill zombie who could barely do anything, when trying to go to sleep that night before the hospital visit, I felt the worst i felt my whole life...
I am more concerned about finding a good therapist as of now who truly gets me and what's going on CAUSE and EFFECT, I actually saw a different psychiatrist recently but they couldn't really give me answers or explanations more than what i knew, so the focus now is on a therapist which the new case manager has to get me an appointment with one she had in mind. In general, i've been hopeless for a very long time, however, that has not stopped me from still actively doing things on a daily basis to just be barely alive and barely stable enough to function, etc, so that hopefully in the future, I will find someone who does understand and can give me the appropriate treatment i need, which if it does involve medication, hopefully it can be a supplement type or natural medicine.