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Help..i feel lost...

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Help..i feel lost...

Postby devastedhere » Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:29 pm

i just discovered that husband of 10 yrs is a sex addict. he has cheated our entire relationship. actually i don't even know if he is a sex addict or something else. the entire time he has struggled with depression, anger issues but overall we had a very happy married life though sex has dwindled to disappeared since the last 4 yrs with the birth of our 2 kids. he is the most attentive sweet romantic husband and a great father and never in my wildest dream i thought this was possible. 2 days back i accidently discovered that he has been having online chats, sex and even encounters in person. the most shocking thing is he has been giving guys a bj. he is very remorseful, claims i mean the world to him. he immediately went to a therapist is seeking help and is determined to get better. now as things come forward, he doesn't know why he did what he did. he claims it was compulsion, he was abused as a child at 10 by his sitter. he has always had problems getting an erection, was never good picking up woman was depressed and had low self esteem. his acts were a form of degradation punishing himself...he doesn't know why. he doesn't find men attractive but it was lowest form of punishment/degradation. he is ashamed, guilty has lived this the entire time. i don't know what to feel. i am still in shock. should i feel sorry for him? is he really suffering a mental illness?
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Re: Help..i feel lost...

Postby FreeMyLifeEnergy » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:11 pm

I recommend just honoring your inner confusion and accepting it as a smart and normal way to feel. Your relationship was good in many ways, and you have a deep well of positive feelings around that. You mentioned his anger issues, which means he had some trouble with impulse control. Now you are aware that his impulse control problems produced a whole vast secret world within him you had no idea existed. In the mixing bowl of your emotions, that dumps in tons of shock, betrayal, fear, reassessment, suspicion, revulsion, pity, concern, all swirled together but not blended smooth.

So that's where you are.

Should empathy for him be part of the mix? Sure, but so should be a healthy dose of appropriate suspension of trust, and a concern for each of your sexual health. Get checked for all the sexually transmitted diseases. If that makes you feel ashamed or sullied, that is normal too, and is part of the complex reality you are in. Anger is appropriate, but don't let any of that delay you getting yourself checked physically for diseases.

In terms of the shocking details of his specific sexual behavior, he likes to "bottom" or submit really hard, it seems. It's certainly not unheard of for heterosexual men with this impulse to want to bottom to other men precisely because they hate it so much. Perhaps this is caused by his experience, but it is also just part of the way humans are, I think. The animal parts of our brain - the "lizard brain" - that control sexual action also control dominance and submission drives, and for some people all that seems to be wired together. There are thousands of men like him. Maybe there is an interaction between this bottoming urge and his personal biography, and his clinical depression, but I wouldn't get too wrapped up in all that.

I also suggest proceeding on the assumption that he may never change even if he wants to. It is also possible that he does change, or can minimize his acting out, but entirely possible he can't. It's the history of angry outbursts that suggests problems with impulse control. He also will not lose any of the wonderful qualities you love about him and about living with him.

So shock and confusion are actually appropriate responses right now. While that is going on for you mentally and emotionally, there are some pragmatic issues to address - getting checked for diseases, finding a local counsellor who can help you sort out all that confusion, finding a couples counsellor who can help the very difficult communication you and your husband will need to tackle together, and so on.

The bottoming urge is not only sexual, by the way. Some people can use it to become strong followers of a religion, or of a twelve step program, or some other thing they can submit to. That generally needs immersion in a supportive social context though - one where everything around you nudges you towards that form of self-subjugation. But not everyone can sublimate their impulses that way.

Complicated, isn't it?
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Re: Help..i feel lost...

Postby Michelleinmichigan » Sat Jun 15, 2013 12:08 am

Your husband is a sex addict. It is good that he admits it, and he is getting help. He needs the help of someone with experience in sexual addiction. The fact that he is was able to lead a double life for all these years is a problem. No you can't trust him.

The real concern however is your children. He is being honest when he tells you that he is doing things that are shameful to him but he can't stop. That is the stage of sexual addiction that is dangerous. When someone sexualizes everything, that includes children, it is not uncommon. A lot of people run around saying it is no big deal, and granted most addicts are mostly harmful to themselves, but the worst predators have given us the most insight.

“I've met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence just like me. And without exception, without question, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography. “ TED BUNDY

Tell your children no secrets. They need to know where they can't be touched. They need to know that they have to say "no", when they are not comfortable. They need to know that they can and should tell you everything.

I'm sure your husband will swear that he would never do anything to harm the children. He might be telling the truth for the most part. The problem is that if you have come across this type of illicit material, so have or will your children eventually, if they haven't already. That is how many sex addicts got started. They were exposed at a vulnerable age to their parents hustler, playboy, or internet pop up sites etc. Father and son recovery is not uncommon.

What you decide to do is up to you. Just be constantly vigilant with your children. Therapy needs to be continued, and relapse is always a reality. Also know that most spouses are victims of abuse. Your husband has spent 10 years lying to you, lacking true intimacy, and confusing your reality. Even if it wasn't malicious, that still does a lot of damage. Take care of yourself, and your kids. That's all you really have any control over.Good luck.
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