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My dad molested me when I was a kid

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My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby struggling621 » Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:52 pm

My Dad sexually abused me when I was a child. There were many times when he would kiss my neck. I remember one time he drugged me, kissed my neck, performed oral sex on me, bent me over the bed, tied my hands behind my back, inserted a vibrator into my butt, video taped it, and told me he was going to make a lot of money and I wasn't going to get any of it. I became unconscious after that so he may have done more but I don't remember it. My mother heard me scream when he performed oral sex on me and banged on the door. He let her in, she grabbed his arm and said "you, you" in a shaking voice. He told her to leave the room, she did, and then he did the rest of the stuff to me. I believe she listened to him because he had verbally and physically abused her for over thirteen years and that messed her up in the head. My dad also whored me out to other men one time. All of this happened when I was around 8 years old.
I've been in denial about it most of my life (I had a couple flash backs but then went back into denial). When I came out about my sister molesting me my dad said "you're mad at her but you're fine with me" and gave a sick, twisted laugh. He then said "your entire body was shaking". I went into denial immediately. My mother once spoke with me about it and she said it was ok because he paid for me and my siblings to get braces (my mother basically whored me out to my dad and my dad whored me out to others). My mother's now in denial about it.
My mom and dad lived together and I had to move home because I'm in college and other reasons. I was in denial when I moved home so it wasn't an issue but then I remembered and it was extremely stressful for me. One night I was hot so I took my clothes off when I was sleeping. He must have heard me because I woke in the middle of the night and he was standing over me staring at my boobs. I told my sister he molested me as a child and she told my mom who told my dad. My family thinks I'm insane, hallucinated it, or and am an evil person for making up terrible lies. I'm not schizophrenic or anything. I've been to therapists and have had PTSD, anxiety, and depression. My dad called me and confessed he did it because he said he doesn't want me to think I'm crazy. My dad left the house because my parents want me to feel safe but will return after I graduate college (because I said I won't be able to deal with this and graduate at the same time). He still comes home randomly and unannounced and I feel too scared to leave my room.
I do not feel safe around him because he sounded so sick when he laughed about my body shaking and because he drugged me in the past so I'm scared he will drug me again. I'm not ready to heal from this I just really want my own apartment so I can get away from my family. I applied for a job an hour away from where I live and have plans to get an apartment with friend but that probably won't happen for a few months and my dad will move back next month. I need to get out of this house ASAP because the situation is driving me nuts. I have anxiety attacks and chest pain. My mom wants me to go to a therapist but I won't because I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and regardless of any privacy rules I've seen how information slips out of people when they're drunk and think they can trust someone. I'm planning on just sucking it up and dealing with it like how I have my entire life until I can get my own apartment.
I will not talk to anyone in my family about it because I can't stand how they imply they think I'm insane and make this stuff up. They said it didn't happen because I said they were around it and they don't remember it but that's because they're in denial. I told my mom what my dad gives head like and she cried and said he won't come back but now she's in denial again. My sister thinks I'm making this up and that I just know what my dad gives head like because one of my dad's ex girlfriends told me (that never happened). I'm fine with sucking it up until I move but fear that how my dad knows I came out and no one believes me will tell my dad he can do it and get away with it again. He drugged me in the past and I'm scared he'll drug and rape me again. I don't know what to do about this. I would report it to the police but I don't have any way of proving it so it'd probably make a big mess and then nothing would happen (just like with my family). I wish my sister never told my mom because now it's in the open but nothing's changed.
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby whybother » Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:46 am

struggling621

Welcome to the forums,

If you family won't believe you, stop telling them. Tell the police, or a councillor instead. They will most definately take you seriously.

I would be very surprised if neither the police or councillor did not know of a safe haven where you could reside for a short while.

As for what people may say if/ when the knowledge of your abuse leaks out, I have to ask. Which is more important, your safety or people's opinion of your family ?

And if leaking your abuse saves one other child from going through the same, please don't be ashamed.

Instead scream...... LOOK AT WHAT I SURVIVED !

How can we, members, help ?
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby WiseMonkey » Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:13 am

Hi struggling621,

After what you have been through your well-being should be your priority. I'd highly encourage you to see a counselor/therapist, who can help you deal with your struggle and validate your suffering. If it's too much for you to report your father/perpetrator to the police, then postpone it until you feel emotionally strong enough to do that. I understand that those cases are often difficult or virtually impossible to prove, and that's why the police often ends the investigation soon after starting it because of the lack of evidence and don't arrest the perpetrator. This usually adds to victims' trauma and is too much for them to deal with. So I do understand what makes you feel reluctant to report what happened to you to the authorities. But therapy is a different story. I can't imagine any therapist being not supportive of you when they hear your story. So, again, I think, seeing a professional is the first thing that I'd recommend you to do, and, of course, keep talking here.

WM
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby struggling621 » Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:42 am

Thank you for your support and believing me. I am going to go to the doctor to try and get anxiety medication because I'm concerned about the chest pain I've been experiencing. I will go to a therapist eventually but right now it's hard enough for me to finish my school work, graduate, and look for a job. Once I get settled into a new job and new apartment and separate myself from my family I will go into therapy and consider reporting the crime. I don't see much point in reporting it because I have no evidence. They won't believe me because I would tell them about how my mom was there but she's in denial so the police probably won't believe me. I'm scared that my dad will do this again if he knows he can commit the crime and get away with it. It's gonna be hell for me when he comes back and I have to live with him but I'll just grit my teeth and bare it like I always have. It will motivate me to get a new job and apartment.
It's good to be in this group to have people tell me I'm not crazy, I'm not making it up, and what he did was horrible. I worked as a stripper for years and considered what he did to me a gift because I was able to block stuff out. Like when the men would touch me I wouldn't like it but I could block it out because that's what I did was I was abused. I made a lot of money stripping but I want to get out of it because I'm getting too old for that stuff.
I get into bad mental places where I don't trust and hate everyone but being with friends is good therapy. I'm planning on moving away from my family and never talking to them again because it's so psychologically damaging for me when they tell me I'm crazy and that I'm evil for making up terrible lies. I don't think I could ever get married because my husband would ask why I don't talk to my family and if I told anyone they'd judge me so harshly. There's a bad social stigma surrounding this subject even though I was an innocent victim. I can't stand being around men who are attracted to youth and that seems to be all men. The only thing that makes me feel better is I knew an ex boyfriend of mine would never molest a child because he hates child molesters because his mother's father raped her and my ex-boyfriend was attracted to how I was 5 years older than him. His problem was that he was a cheater but that's small beans compared to a child molester. I just can't wait to move away from my family so I can begin the healing process but it's going to be hell until that happens.
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby WiseMonkey » Tue Jun 26, 2012 6:23 am

struggling621,

I am sorry that you are temporarily stuck at your parents' house. I am hoping that you'll get a new job and will be able to move out soon. What you said sounds like a good plan. I agree, you have to take one step at a time or else you'll loose your balance. I am glad you are going to see a doctor for anxiety meds. I completely agree about the stigma that surrounds the issue of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, our society, as a whole, is still poorly educated about it and tends to blame victims. I also understand your concerns about reporting, that's why I would never suggest that it absolutely has to be done. This is one of those issues, where I believe that every situation is unique and there is no right solution. My belief is that the person's safety and well-being is the most important thing. Take care and keep talking here as long as it helps.

WM
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby struggling621 » Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:50 pm

I'm surprised at how much it helps to talk on here. I think it helps so much because my family is completely unsupportive by implying that I'm making it up because I'm crazy or mean. My sisters steal from me a lot and my mom doesn't believe me about that, either. I've decided I need to move away from my family and never come back, not even talk to them again. My sisters pretend to be nice to me but then they steal from me even though I'm so poor and they make good money. My entire family has been verbally abusive to me and my mother's allowed it. They will take anything of value from me, including boyfriends, and then pretend to be nice to my face and they never stop denying it. They pretend to be completely innocent but they're really leeches. My mom verbally abused me for a long time. I need so much help and all I get from her is harsh criticism. I'm so emotionally fragile at this time I can't deal with any of this. Disowning my family hurts so much and I'll be so lonely but I really can't deal with this anyone. One time my mom was yelling at me and I broke down crying really hard and she didn't say sorry or anything, she just walked away. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time, decades, and came very close to doing it several times. I'm not going to do it because I invented things and I think I may become rich but I still feel just as emotionally fragile. It's so important for me to turn away from my family and not come back but it's going to hurt so much.
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby WiseMonkey » Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:10 am

Yes, it's always difficult to make a drastic change in one's life. :( And I believe it does hurt to leave home when you know that this would not be necessary if your family was loving and supportive :(

WM
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby struggling621 » Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:23 am

I tried letting the subject go but I've realized I can't talk to my family about anything. For example, today I told my mom the neighbors work on their lawn with a weed whacker, lawn mower, or leaf blower like 4 days a week at 8am and it wakes me up and it's annoying because who works on their lawn that much! She wouldn't believe me and told me it was construction on the other side of the block. I said I can hear the difference between the two and I can see people outside my window working on the neighbors lawn but there's nothing I can say that will convince her. She refuses to believe me about anything that makes her feel uneasy because she just can't deal with problems. Another example, my sisters come into the house and steal from me. Since I've been home in the past three months I've lost a mirror, expensive shampoo, a space heater, a router, and $1,400. She refuses to believe this and continues to refuse to lock the doors to our house. I asked her to please lock the doors but she won't because she said it makes her feel bad that she would have to lock the door. Locking the door is the only thing that makes me feel safe! Plus my sisters will steal anything from me and then lie about it and the way my mom goes into denial about things reinforces their behavior. I'm so sick of all their crap I swear I am finished with this family and said I will leave and never come back. I will probably still talk to my mom because she raised me and I love her in spite of all her problems but I need a lot of time away from them and am finished with my thieves of sisters. I'm scared because I'm not financially stable and I may need their help some day but I just can't deal with their lies and manipulations anymore. I've been thinking about breaking into my sisters house to get my stuff back because I know she'll never give it back and it makes me so angry. I'm scared of getting caught but am pretty certain I can card the back door because everyone's at work on the weekdays.
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby WiseMonkey » Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:18 am

Wow..This is a pretty intense stuff to deal with. I'd recommend that you confront your sister instead of breaking into her home, even if you know that she won't admit she did it. I'm just concerned that she might get you arrested. Confronting her will just let her know that you are not going to tolerate it and you will keep an eye on her when she comes over. I don't know if you have the power in your home not to let her come anymore. If yes that'd be the best.

WM
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Re: My dad molested me when I was a kid

Postby struggling621 » Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:02 pm

I told my sister that if she didn't return the stuff I'd tell her roommates and friends she's a liar and a thief. She's still denying it. My dad just came home even though my mom told him he needed to leave the house. He just stops by unannounced. I told him he needed to leave and he left but he kept saying "Why are you mean to your father?". That's the dumbest question! He should be explaining why he molested me, apologize, and say he won't do it again! But I wouldn't even believe him because the questionable things he's done since (picking my bedroom lock to stare at my naked body while I was asleep). I would say it's a manipulation but I know he genuinely feels sorry for himself. That's the way he is. He abuses others, works with disabled people so he thinks he's the holiest person in the world, and thinks everyone is mean to him for no good reason, and feels sorry for himself. I swear, I'm a good person, but I wish he'd kill himself. He attempted suicide before and he said he wanted to do it so his kids could get the life insurance payout because he feels like a failure cuz he didn't provide for his children. This put the idea in my head and I think he owes me big time. He at least owes me the peace of mind I could get by not having him around! He won't leave because he wants the love and support of a family but he will not get that from me. Maybe I could some day forgive him and take him back in my life because he does have some good qualities but I can't while I live in this house because I don't feel safe living with him.
I just sent him a message on facebook. It reads: "I am not mean to you I do not feel safe around you. Take responsibility for your actions. You molested me when I was a kid and you picked my lock to stare at my naked body when I was asleep. Maybe you can #######4 others but you can't #######4 me so don't even try, you just make yourself look worse. What you did is awful. You can't undo it but you should at least give me the peace of mind I need to recover from this trauma by leaving me alone. Don't you get it? You're lonely, big deal. I'M TRAUMATIZED! STOP BEING SELFISH AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS! STAY AWAY FROM ME SO I CAN RECOVER! You're the worst father in the world but you could make it a little better by just staying away from me. DON'T PUSH IT, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY."
I said it's for his own safety because his manipulations and lies make me so mad I may lash out. I don't want it to come to that but the anger, anxiety, and depression get really bad at times and there's no talking to him because he just denies everything and feels sorry for himself and guilts me.
What do you think?
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