I've got to face it again after its been buried for 20 years

Sorry, this is long but I thought should give you my story first.
I was 11 when it started, at least that's the age I've had in my head for a long time. I've had it buried so deep that that I've lost a lot of details.We'd be in front of the TV, dad and I, mum was never far away, probably in bed already or taking a shower. His hand would find its way down my shirt and he'd play as if this was normal. I would be frozen in fear not capable of stopping him or calling out. I would dread it whenever mum would leave us alone because he'd start every time. His hand would move and find its way down my pants and I'd still be frozen. He'd move my hand down his pants and I'd still be frozen, my hand touching him but not able to move. If he sensed my fear it was never acknowledged, not a word was spoken between us, me from fear him from I don't know what. He laid on top me, tried kissing me, rubbing up against me, it would've gone further if mum wasn't around. How did my mum not know this was going on? Her own daughter? I asked this myself many times and had it answered one day. We were sitting watching TV, just mum and me, I was 13. We were watching a documentary on child molestation when out of the blue I blurted, " dad does that to me" and she said I know. Just like that. If I had any trust in anyone left it was certainly shattered after that. She did make it stop. But she didn't leave him and take us to protect her daughters, yes I had a younger sister. My dad pulled me aside and attempted an opologise but I brushed him off and buried it, forced to continue living with a man I feared and mother I could never trust. Life went on, it never happened again and I had hoped my sister was spared but to scare to do anything. Our family looked normal. I put on a mask that I still wear. When I was 18 my body was crying, it needed release. You can only hold on to something like that for so long before there's repercussions, so I started seeing a phyciatrist and he helped me confront my mum. She was shattered, she only thought it happened the once and what she had seen wasnt much. So she had a second chance to redeem herself. Take my sister from that house and spare me from seeing him again and have my mum back. But she chose him. I told my sister briefly what happened and it wasn't spoken of again.Wrong or right I buried it again, stopped seeing the physc and still spend time with the family as if nothing had happened. I look at my dad with hatred now and see mum as a victim too,(is she?) to weak to walk away, not strong enough for her kids. She had got to my sister after I told her, told her to keep it quite and not allow it to change her relationship with dad. My sister now suffers from severe depression and panic attacks. And I need to tell my husband everything so I can help her. I'm scared. He is going to be angry and hurt. He allows that man into our home not knowing what he did. And I turned out just like my mum. I buried what happened and went on as normal and even allow him around my boys just to keep the peace and the impression of normalcy.
So to help my sister it needs to come out. She wants to confront mum and dad, and she needs to help move on to get better. We live 2000 miles apart and only communicate about this via email after out of the blue last week she emailed me asking for the full story and told me about her depression. She has kept her illness from me for over 2 years, to scared to talk to me. I told her everything but now I'm a bit of mess. I need to find the strength to tell my husband. I moved away from the family to have distance from my parents, they obvisiously didn't realize my motovation and are now 2 weeks away from living up here permanently. So all this is going to come out when their on my doorstep and my sister is down there. I want to help her, it needs to be done becuse I can't keep going the way I have really.
So I'm after some outside perspective I guess and some support in getting through all this. Also should I tell my husband before they arrive to give him a chance to cool down? I'm worried about his reaction, he's a wonderful man I'm very lucky to have him but he'll understandably be hurt and angry and may take it out on my dad and I'm sure that won't help.

Hi Melj72,

I am sorry for all you and your sister have been through. I am glad you decided to get this out of the dark. I understand how scary it might be for you to think about making this final step and telling your husband, but if you don't do that, you'll commit yourself to more years of suffering and you will potentially put your children in danger. If your husband expresses his anger toward your father, it's ok as long as he doesn't get physical with him. I would think that he won't allow your father to come to your house and that is perfectly fine, as he should not be allowed there. In this regard, it'd be better to tell him everything now before your family comes, so he will have time to cool down and to think about the best way to handle this. Good luck.

WM

Thank you WiseMonkey. I think I might tell him this weekend. Send the kids to friends so we're alone.
What I've got to get past is the fear of splitting the family up, fear for my mum and how she'll cope when it's all out again, because when I tell my husband it will no longer be calm. I still carry guilt for that. That I'll be the cause of the explosion. Every time I remind myself that it's not my fault, I will not be the cause of whatever will happen with my family I burst into tears, so I no I'm not coping. I keep reminding myself that it was my mums choice to sweep it under the carpet out of shame or whatever and not seek help for us. After 20 odd years of doing that it's so hard to come out. I need someone to remind me that it will not be my fault when everything blows up, that I shouldn't worry about what happens to my parents. I'm hoping my husband will help me with that. I know I need to look after me but I want to strong enough for my sister too.

Melj72

Welcome to the forums.

Because the relevation of your abuse will be something of a surprise, you might try a kind of warning by printing the exchange of emails between your sister and yourself and giving them to your husband.

Alas, hiding your abuse is going to hurt your husband.

Is it just my impression but are you trying to look after everyone but yourself ? Being scared of what other might think or do. What makes others more important than yourself ?

Rude as it might be. ...... To answer my own question. Nothing !

Had you reported your abuse at age 11 (or in any of the years since) your father would have spent time i jail. So you haven't you already spared your family enough? It is your time to be spared. To help yourself too.

Why are your parents moving 2,000 miles ?

How can we help ?

Meij72,

I don't know if what I say will make any difference, but I do want to be one of those voices that will remind you that the explosion that your family will have to go through is not your fault. I understand your worries about them. We tend to keep caring about our parents no matter how abusive they are, so your worries and your guilt are perfectly understandable. But if you think about the reality in which your family has lived, you'll realize that your disclosure won't destroy the family as there IS no family to destroy. In reality, there has never been an intact family ever. Your parents have never had a clue of what family is. They've never had a clue of what it means to be parents. So, there has never been a family and there is nothing to destroy. What WILL be destroyed is lies and secrecy in which their crimes were thriving. Of course, it's going to hurt them because they are used to living a lie, they are used to keeping their consciousness asleep. It's ok for them to be hurting. I am saying this not because I am sadistic but because for those like them there is no other way to wake up and face their demons except when life hits them hard on the head. Their fears and their pain is something they have to deal with, not you. Don't try to carry their pain for them. It doesn't belong to you. This is something they have created for themselves and they should be carrying it and trying to redeem themselves. In fact, when things like that come out, it gives the wrongdoers a chance to take responsibility for their crimes/misdeeds and to try to repair the damage they have done up to some extend (I understand that it can never be repaired completely). So, as far as I am concerned, you are doing them good by disclosing what happened. I have made similar disclosures in the past and know from experience how painful and scary this is for everybody, but I also know that ultimately it makes everything better. It clears the air and eventually makes life healthier.

WM

Thank you guys, this is helping. I'm hoping talking about it now will make it a little easier when I talk to my husband. I needed to hear all that. I do put everyone else before myself. I guess thats how it was when it happened. Yes it stopped but then brushed under the carpet, my feelings not really a concern. When I did confront a few years later the same thing happened again. I allowed it to happen but I was still young and my therapist probably wasn't very good. But I allowed the act to continue into my adulthood and am carrying a lot of guilt about that. Putting my kids at risk, my sisters kids because she didn't know the full story. It became easier to pretend and the longer this went on the harder to talk about.
So my mum tells me 6 months ago that they want to move up closer to me and spend time with the grand kids and I couldn't tell them no. It was like I was that little girl again who has no control of how a situations to play out. I'd been happyish with the last 10 years without them around but now I can feel the cracks forming and then my sisters email...

I know that this is just reiterating what others have said and what you know deep down, but whatever happens it is not your fault. I think that sometimes as the abused party we get blamed for causing the problem but really we just reacted to the problem. THEY caused the problem. Whatever consequences that has, THEY are to be blamed for the fallout, not us, not the victims. If he, or your mum do not like the consequences of their own actions, that's their fault, and they have to live with the choices they've made. It's not fair of them to expect you to suffer so they don't have to deal with the poor choices they've made.
Be sympathetic with your husband, because this is going to be a shock for him and may really hurt him. He has every right to protect his family from potential danger and you should give him a say when it comes to allowing these people near your children. It's not fair to keep this information from him. It's like if his brother was a child molester and he didn't tell you and he let him come into the house and be around your children. That wouldn't be fair to you and that's somewhat like what you've done, so he may be mad, but now you have to do the right thing, the only fair thing, and tell him the truth. Good luck and I wish your family the best

Thank you jen123. Your right and I tell myself all that.
My sisters anger is starting to recede after I told her everything. She also told her husband today and went well for her. He was exactly has you hope your partner would be; supportive on what ever she decides to do. But now she's thinking leave it be, don't say anything to mum and dad at least not yet. It's alright for her she's miles away and it didn't happen to her it happened to me! I have them arriving in just over a week and I have to think about myself and my family. She did say its up to me. It's just interesting to compare her emails from last week to this week. She can't bring all this to surface for me then expect me to bury it again I've struggled enough. Sorry I'm ranting but she's messing me up!

Melj

Melj72

Ranting her is perfectly OK!

If you don't want a reply then head over to the venting forum (in the members corner) For it is rude to reply to a vent. (which doesn't mean nobody doesn't respond)

Just thought I'd let you know I hope the weekend goes really well for you when you explain to your husband.

Please tell us how it goes.