I just need to talk about it.

My brother and I had a close relationship from as far back as I can remember, I knew by the time I was about 10 that I loved him more than just as a brother. He is nearly ten years older than me and our relationship gradually became increasingly inappropriate. From when I was 9 he would sometimes get in my bed with me at night. At this point up to about 13, nothing overtly or obviously sexual or inappropriate happened, we were tactile, always hugging and stuff, but not inappropriate. When I was 13 he kissed me and that was where it started to change. From there on in, it became less innocent and he would drunkenly come into my room and try to fondle and kiss me. I was never resisted him too much, and I feel really guilty about that. He was always telling me he loved me and I just thought I loved him back. When I 14 he tried to have sex with me, I told him not but he ignored me. I resisted him and he did stop but I realized then that if he wanted to he could do what he wanted because he was bigger ans stronger than I was. We did eventually have sex when I was about 15 and a half. He was staying at the house while my parents were away and I knew all that time alone with him it was inevitable. I felt and still feel incredibly guilty for what we did, at 15 I knew it was wrong but I so desperately wanted him to love me because it made me feel special and I believed I loved him too.
I still see him sometimes but I try and keep my distance but because of this I have grown away from my family somewhat because it is difficult being around him.
I just feel I need to talk about it because I have become cold and distant in my relationship and anxious about intimacy because I feel so guilty about what happened.

Hi kg89,

I am sorry you had to go through all of that as a child.

The way i see things, you do not have to feel guilty about anything that happened at all. As a young child-teenager you was easily influenced like most of us here were. You felt what you thought was love and wanted desperately to keep it that way. I to have been in a simialr situation which I would rather not talk about.

I think you would benefit from some kind of counselling to help you but feel free to ask any questions you have here and we will all try our best to help. Also feel free to PM me anytime you would like.

Thanks for responding angelfire. I did go for counselling a couple of years ago but I only went for three sessions, I couldn't open up because I felt so ashamed and still feel like I was partly responsible for what happened between us. I have thought many times about going to therapy or counselling again but like I say, I have a fear of being judged or blamed. having read some of the threads on here I can see I'm not alone in having this happen to me, and that in itself has made me more comfortable with the idea of seeking professional help.

No need to thank me kg89, thats what this forum is for, we all support eachother.

What I have read I can honestly say I don't think you're to blame in this. Most people who are abused will always feel like its their fault when its not. You just need to try get that mind set.

I think you getting the confidence up to seek professional help is a very positive start. You don't have to worry though, a counsellor, therapist, any professional in this field will not judge you, They are in this profession to help others and thats what they do, they don't discriminate. I have a therapist who I've been seeing for nearly 3 years and a couple of other professionals and they have been brilliant with me with this 'problem' (couldn't think of another word )

There are alot of inspirational people in this thread, well not only this thread but the whole forum, I have had loads of support and advice from every thread I've posted a new topic in.

Just remember we're all here to help and if you have any questions to ask at all or just for a little chat then we will listen and reply

I'm so sorry u went thru this..I kno wat it does to a person to be betrayed in that way. I wish u all the best, and hope u can somehow focus on having a life, which is hard, I kno. God will help u if u need Him. Good luck, and God Bless u.

Sheri