Our partner

No memories, but don't know what to make of this. LONG

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

Moderators: scepticalblahblah, salted lipstick, narcbolan, CrackedGirl, Restored

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

No memories, but don't know what to make of this. LONG

Postby Feathers » Wed Jun 20, 2012 4:39 pm

I have alters but I don't know what caused my alters, don't have memories, flashbacks, and nor do any of my alters. I have suspicions but that is all they are. Part of me thinks maybe I was abused but that's only about 10%, I feel pretty convinced that I wasn't because of the sheer lack of memories or anything. The point of this post is me wanting to know if what I go through is normal or if it does suggest I was abused?

Firstly, *I* have a lot of difficulty with sexual activity. Before I found my alters, I was okay with sex most of the time, as if my alter was taking over and doing it for me, but ever since I found out I have alters over a year ago, I have only managed to have sex with my boyfriend twice - my alter Sophie does it most of the time, and some other sexual alters. I feel really triggered by sex if I try to have sex or if my BF tries to initiate.

Secondly, even back then, sometimes I would freak out completely. Mostly involving oral sex either way. I remember when I was at my first serious relationship, I was with the guy two years, 14-16 and we were sexual the whole time. Mostly I would be fine and then sometimes I would be giving him a blowjob or vice versa and I would just freak out and start crying.

It was very rare, and over the past year, Sophie has been mostly fine with sexual activity, other than a few times of what I explained above. But the past few times we've done anything Sophie has been very triggered... Mostly when receiving oral sex or when he touches/kisses/whatever my breasts. It's just like it triggers and she just really wants him to stop, but most of the time doesn't say anything and just lets him keep doing it, unless she feels so bad that she starts to cry...

Would this happen in someone who hadn't been abused? I mean, some stuff did happen to me, my first boyfriend at 13 used to pull my top off and play with my breasts even though I'd tried to tell him no, eventually I just let him get on with it even though I didn't like it. Should have left him but I stayed with him 2 months even though he did this on the day we got together.

My second boyfriend who I was with for a week put his hand in my pants and got me to put mine in his, using pressure. I nearly ended up having sex with him due to this pressure but got the courage to leave him.

Then I had a long-distance boyfriend who I met up with twice. The first time all was fine, the second time he nearly raped me in a park. It was slightly my own fault though, I did lead him on a bit, say I wanted to have sex, but then when he started coming onto me I freaked out and didn't want to do it, he didn't take no for an answer, pulled me top off in some bushes and sucked on my breasts etc and then put his hand in my pants and started playing with me, and then got his cock out and wanted me to play with that. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't. Eventually his parents rang him wanting to meet up, so then I took the opportunity to put my top back on which disappointed him. I told him he'd better go meet up with his parents, so we went to meet them where I had to pretend everything was okay and pose for photos with him and his little siblings.

Then I had an incident with a boy I didn't even know when I was going over to a potential boyfriends house. He asked me to come with him a sec, I was scared and didn't know what to do so I let him lead me off into a quiet back street where he pushed me against a fence and forced his hands into my top and bra and tried to get in my pants repeatedly and I kept pulling his hands off me but he just kept doing it until I eventually convinced him to stop and let me go.

That was all years ago, the last one was 6 years ago, but then last year, I broke up with a boyfriend I had recently and I was meant to be staying at his after a night out since a taxi back to mine was expensive so a male friend offered to let me stay at his that night. During the night out he kissed me, constantly, barely let me talk to any of my friends that were there because he constantly wanted to me on me and making out with me and picking me up and kissing me against walls and whatnot. When we got back to his he decided we would have sex and it took me saying no four times, and I almost ended up giving up and having sex with him because I find it really, really hard to say no to people more than once... The more I have to say no the harder I find it so if I have said it like 4, 5 times I just give up and submit. Luckily for me he couldn't get the condom on (he told me he had never used a condom before in his life - gross) and I wasn't on the pill so he just gave up and we went to sleep. I told him a few days later how I'd felt and he got really angry and said that what I was accusing him of was disgusting and that I was just lying and making stuff up (despite me saying no four times) because I'd "helped him try to put the condom on" but I only did that after I'd said no at least four times and eventually gave up saying no because he wasn't taking it for an answer...

Now I know these incidents are at age 13+ so they couldn't have caused DID, since DID is rooted in childhood, and I don't think they're the cause of these triggery feelings Sophie get during oral sex because I was never made to partake in oral sex in any of those incidents. Is it normal for normal women to get these feelings or is it just even more evidence that I was abused in childhood? (alongside with depression, possible bipolar or borderline, adolescent trichotillomania, self harming, dissociative identity disorder, my alter having an addiction to abuse (loves being raped and hurt and just abused in general?)

I don't even have a therapist to talk it over with because I'm still on a bloody long waiting list. I just wish I knew.

Kaz x
♪Sheets are swaying from an old clothes line
Like a row of captured ghosts♪


Kaz (21, host)
Sophie (19, sexual)
Aaron (22, intelligent, gender issues)
& many more.

Meds:
Lamotrigine, 150mg.
Seroquel, 50mg.
Feathers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 472
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 10:55 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 18, 2014 5:42 pm
Blog: View Blog (53)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: No memories, but don't know what to make of this. LONG

Postby WiseMonkey » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:01 am

Hi Feathers,

I am sorry that you are struggling with doubts as to whether your DID was caused by abuse or not. I am also sorry that you are on a long waiting list to see a therapist because it seems like what you might need is to talk to a professional about it. We are not professionals here, so none of us can give you a professional opinion/evaluation on what you've described. I can share my personal thoughts with you and you take them for what they worth.

DID is commonly known to be caused by sexual abuse, so if you are positive that you have DID, logically there has to be a reason for that, and the commonly accepted major reason for DID is sexual abuse, as this disorder is believed to be a coping mechanism that our mind-body uses to cope with pain that the abuse caused.

What you have described about your sex life fits the pattern of many sexual abuse victims. Many sexual abuse victims are unable to say no when they are pressured into having sex. They are also unable to judge the situation and to see when they are in danger. Therefore, they often end up in dangerous situations and often get taken advantage of/abused by other people repeatedly. Even though the sexual encounters you've described can't be clearly defined as abuse, but from what you said it seems like you didn't have a good ability to judge if the situation was safe or not, and this is very common in sexual abuse victims.

Does this mean that you were abused as a child? I don't know. In the absence of clear memories I'd be reluctant to give you a definitive answer. As frustrating as this is for you, this question may be answered eventually only if you work on it with a therapist. You can still discuss your DID on DID forum, which I'd suggest you to do. It always helps to talk with those who share similar symptoms. I think, you might be better helped on DID forum.

Take care,
WM
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
User avatar
WiseMonkey
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 849
Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:29 am
Local time: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Ckrisffps504 and 208 guests

cron