Conflicted: Sexually abused by my mother

This is my story, for what it's worth. I'm now a 40 year old man and most people wouldn't know that for about four years I was sexually dependent on my mother. It's something that, I think, has affected my relationships with women (which I continually sabotage) and has definitely made me very sexually compulsive. *Warning* - some of the descriptions below are graphic.*

When I was about 11, my father became ill with cancer and was frequently in the hospital. He was initially given six months to live but ended up suffering for eight long years. It affected our family dramatically. My father was frequently in the hospital going through chemo treatments and surgeries, so I was left alone with my mother and younger brother. It was about this time that I started sleeping in bed with my mother, which she encouraged. In a way it was comforting for both of us, especially as I suffered frequent nightmares.

Things changed dramatically one night when I was twelve. I was in bed with my mother when I woke up startled by a strange dream and a funny feeling - I had my first wet dream. I had woken up just I started to ejaculate. I panicked that I was wetting the bed and quickly woke my mom. She pulled down the sheets only to discover what had really happened. She insisted on removing my pajama bottoms which was embarrassing for me because I was still very aroused. She got some tissues and cleaned me up, but it felt very weird when she started handling my still erect penis and gently squeezing it into the tissues. I felt a strange sense of conflict. I was very embarrassed and ashamed, but very aroused when she touched me which made my sense of shame even worse.

After that she behaved differently toward me. I was terrified that she would say something in front of my brother or tell my dad. She started teasing me about it and often made sly remarks in front of others. I was angry and ashamed. She began asking very personal questions about whether I masturbated or if I knew how to masturbate. She commented on my penis and said that it was curved when erect and that I might be deformed.

She started becoming demanding and insisted that she needed to check to see if I was deformed and needed surgery. On a couple of occasions she started forcefully unbuckling my pants. I fought her on it until one day when she caught me alone. I finally let her take my pants off. She immediately started touching me in a way as to produce an erection. I felt embarrassed when my body started responding and became aroused. She started lecturing me on intercourse and, I guess, trying to give me the sex talk. She finally drags me (almost literally) into the bathroom, sits me down on the toilet and gets out a bottle of lotion which she puts on my erect penis and starts to masturbate me. She's telling me this is what boys do. I'm so conflicted at this point because I want to run away, but the masturbation feels very good. I started to panic as I felt this rising pressure. I told my mom I had to pee and she responded by grabbing some tissues with her other hand and held them at the tip of my penis as I started to ejaculate. By the time the waves pleasure recede, the emotions hit me just as hard. I felt miserable that I allowed her to do this to me.

I felt like she had some kind of power over me. She kept up the teasing and would often knock on the door when I was in the bathroom and asked if I 'needed any help.' A few weeks later, I was masturbating in the bathroom when my mom knocked on the door and again asked if I needed help. I couldn't stop myself; I went to the door and let her in.

From then on, she would masturbate me several times a week. I would accompany her to bed in the evening and already be aroused knowing that she would pull down my pajama bottoms the minute I got into bed. I was totally dependent upon her for sexual release. I felt resentful but at the same time I couldn't help myself. The nights that I tried to sleep alone, I would lie awake panting with arousal until I found myself tiptoeing down the hall, almost against my will.

I finally broke the cycle when I became involved with a girl from school when I was sixteen. We started having sex and I turned my attention to her for intimacy and affection. My mother would often make suggestive, knowing comments in front of her - as if threatening to ruin our relationship by telling her. In fact, to this day she still make insinuating comments in front of my girlfriends. There were times that I fell for it and tried to appease her by allowing her to touch me.

Much more ended up happening between us, particularly after my father died many years later. It wasn't until I was well into my thirties and had lived in another state for several years, that I felt I was able to establish solid boundaries between us. I've always resented that I've had to be the one to set those boundaries. It's almost as if she feels some sense of privilege or ownership of my body.

So this is a very long testament for those who maybe are less threatened by mother/son incest than by father/daughter. They are equally reprehensible and harmful. Beyond the physical manifestations of abuse, the psychological harm is what lasts a lifetime. Any abuser needs to know that for their few minutes of gratification at the expense of a child, the wounds they inflict resonate for decades.

Hi pellucidblue,

Thank you for sharing your painful story. Stories like yours are powerful and incredibly important. It is crucial for people to read this kind of stories because a) sexual abuse in general is still downplayed and invalidated by the society and b) sexual abuse where male is a victim and female is a perpetrator are invalidated ten times more because of societal gender stereotypes. You are absolutely correct, the abuse of son by mother is just as damaging as the abuse of daughter by father. Who is the victim and who is the perpetrator is not defined by the gender, but by exploitation of power in the relationship and by taking advantage of the other person's vulnerable position. I believe it is important for survivors of sexual abuse to speak up and not to hide, especially for male survivors because of the gender stereotypes that people cling to. You may want to consider contacting http://www.malesurvivor.org where you can get in touch with other male survivors.

One important thing that you need to know and always keep in mind is that you couldn't prevent the abuse from happening, so you are not responsible for what happened at all. Your mother is 100% responsible for the abuse of you. When you are 12 years old and are still dependent on your mother, you don't have the power to stop her from doing what she is doing no matter how inappropriate her behavior is, so you don't have the power to stop her. Period. She is the only one to blame.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

WM

I'm sorry for what you went through and continue to go through. I think it is awful that people look at a situation like yours differently than they would when a man abuses a girl. They are equally as damaging and sometimes maybe more so in your case due to the stigma attached to it.

I understand when you say that you would go to her. I remember (I have never admitted this to anyone until now) asking to go into the bathroom with my grandmother's husband while he went to the bathroom. I don't know why I would do that. He wouldn't let me since my grandma was awake. It shames me to have ever felt that way.

I'm sorry.