First Time Poster

I am not even sure why I am here. Maybe because I finally realize that I need help. For the last couple of weeks I have been ready to just end my life. I am so tired of being in pain from something that happened so many years ago. I feel like my pain isn't justified. I shouldn't be letting this affect me so much.

I was fine until around two years ago. Fine by my own definition anyways. My younger sister called me up one night in June. She was crying. She asked me "Did he do it to you as well?" and I knew instantly what she was talking about. My grandmother's husband is who she was referring to. Sexually abusing me is what she was referring to. I had always known it happened to my older sister as well, he would hurt us both at the same time. But I was always in denial and hoped it hadn't happened to the younger one. She is 5 years younger than me. I could have prevented it from happening to her but I didn't. I didn't protect my sister.

I also don't know exactly what happened. There are a few instances that I remember. One of him touching me and one of him touching himself in front of me. I also know that he would watch porn in front of myself and my older sister. Although this literally just came back to me as I was typing this. I think that it really wasn't that bad, there are so many people who went through so much worse than me. Both of my sister's remember being raped. I don't. I don't know if that means that it didn't happen to me or that I have just blocked it out. I prefer not to think about it. I question why I didn't tell. Why nobody knew. He never threatened to do anything, just said that my grandma would be angry if we told.

We ended up calling my father and telling him. He immediately called my grandmother who made the man leave. We didn't press charges. Me and the older sister are outside of the statute of limitations. My younger sister chose not to because it would financially ruin my grandmother if she did. The first thing my mother asked when I told her is "Why bother bringing this us up now, so many years later?" I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive her for saying those words to me as I was crying and attempting to confide in her.

I have so much anger. So much sadness. I have ruined every relationship that I have been in. Whether this is related or simply is me being ###$ in the head in general, I don't know. I probably never will. Things have gotten worse over the last couple of months. Every day I can't get those memories out of my head. I have turned to using pain pills when it is really bad. they are the only thing that make me feel somewhat normal. I recently bought some off of a "friend." Between that and what was prescribed to me for something else, I would have enough to do it. I have seriously considered it. I have a child. She is the only thing that has kept me holding on but every day I feel more and more like I am losing my battle. I went to the state run mental health facility since I don't have insurance. They turned me away because of my drug usage. Told me that they don't know if my symptoms are because of the drugs or if they are real. I yelled at them and told them that the drugs did not cause the memories. They are the only thing that helps.

It seems as if the only way for me to get help is to actually try to kill myself. I'm lost, hopeless, have no support in real life. My internet friends provide more support than my family. I asked my aunt today for help with a doctor. She could easily afford to. She told me to go to a support group. While that may help sometime in the future, that is not what I need now. I don't know what to do. How to help myself.

Hi marebear,

I am sorry you are suffering so much because of the past abuse and because your family is not supportive of you. It is so unfair to you Also, it's unfair that the mental health facility refused to give you the help you needed. I wonder though why you don't want to go to some support group. It sounds like you are not in a good place and could have used some support now. By all means keep talking here if it helps, but a real life support group could be a great addition to Internet support. Also, your emotional state seems extreme enough to me to call a crisis center or suicidal hotline. They won't turn you down because of drug use. They don't turn anyone down. I'd urge you to call them and tell them how you feel. I am sure they will help you find appropriate resources. Please, stay safe.

WM

G'day Marebare,

First welcome to the forums.

marebare wrote: Me and the older sister are outside of the statute of limitations.

Probaly not being in your country I am not sure whether the police would not press charges, but in the States were there not casses of ministers of religion being prosecuted in the last decade for abuse in the 70's? (and here I admit to not having the having the details)

Marebare wrote: My younger sister chose not to because it would financially ruin my grandmother if she did.

I suggest she does. Surely her, and your, mental health is more important than your grands financial position. Or at least it should be!

Marebare wrote: I feel like my pain isn't justified. I shouldn't be letting this affect me so much.

IMHO. Your pain is totally justified.

Alas child abuse affects everyone it touches because it warps your defination of trust. Upon which every relationship is based. Which makes .........

Marebare wrote: I have ruined every relationship that I have been in.

questionable. I am willing to argue that your abuse, and memories of your abuse, has ruined your relationships.

Your child proves your relationships can succeed!

Marebare wrote: I could have prevented it from happening to her but I didn't.

Care to tell us at what age (range ?) the abuse happened? To use your argument your older sister did not protect you ......... Which would further warp your view of trust?

At age 7 my grandfather told me I was responsible for protecting my mother - his daughter. I still don't (four and a bit decades later) understand how that was even remotely possible. So please stop kicking yourself over this.

Marebare wrote: I have so much anger

Please let it out. Either here or in a support group. Having been in roughly the same position I would be surprised if the people in a support group bite !

Marebare wrote: I don't know what to do. How to help myself.

How can we, fellow members, help?

Sorry for the length!

Today was an especially hard day. It seems like I am having more and more of those lately. I found myself searching for the best ways to die. I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle this pain.

I had nightmares again last night. I would wake up, crying. I would finally fall back asleep and just have another one. I had at least 3-4 separate nightmares last night. I cried a lot today. My boss has noticed that something is going on. She commented to me today that it is affecting my work performance and in turn, her company. I know she will try to be understanding but if I can't get this under control then I know I will lose my job.

I also tried talking to my mother again yesterday. I don't know that I mentioned her in my first post. When everything happened two years ago, and we brought this into the open, her response was "Why bother telling now?" I have been so angry with her. She has helped support me financially through some rough times. But I would give anything for her to be there for me emotionally. I told her this. She told me that she was raised to suck it up and move on and she can't be there for me emotionally. This hurts me more than I could ever explain. It pushes me even deeper into this hole.

I have my first appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday but the more I read the more hopeless I feel. I was talking to someone who has been through everything I have and is still going through it. Nothing has ever helped. I don't know how she does it. If this doesn't help me then I literally don't think I will be able to continue. I can't live the rest of my life with this pain, anger and sadness. I'm not sure why I ever thought that medication could make me better. Medication can't really make the memories or nightmares go away.

-- Tue Jun 19, 2012 9:13 pm --

As a response to some of the questions or comments...

I tried contacting the local suicide line. They actually have a text service which I chose to utilize because I wasn't comfortable calling. I used them twice. The first time I didn't really delve deeply into my suicidal thoughts. The woman did what she could and referred me to a support group. I am still not ready for that. The second time, I did specify my suicidal thoughts. The woman took 10-15 minutes to respond to each text and seemed like she didn't want to be there. I won't be contacting them again.

The abuse started when I was 4-5. It went until I was around 10-11, I believe. There are still so many memories missing. I just remember when I was 13 I was living with my grandmother due to bad behavior. My mother sent me there because she didn't know what to do. My grandma left me alone with him once. I was terrified. I locked myself in the room. He tried to come and comfort me and ask me what was wrong. I was shaking and scared and told him to just leave me alone. He didn't do anything at that point or any time after.

Good to see you here again, marebear.

I am sorry you are continuing to suffer. I'd encourage you not to give up on suicidal hotlines, because you are clearly in crisis and need help urgently. You can call either state or national hotlines if you didn't have a good experience with the local one, but the best thing to do IMO is to call 911 and to admit yourself to a hospital. It'll be much more effective. They'll get you stabilized there and will give you referrals for a follow up visit with a psychiatrist. Once you are stable, you can join the support group then. Trying not to loose control in order not to loose your job doesn't make sense to me, because the truth is that you have already lost control and it is your life, not your job that you need to worry about right now because you are feeling suicidal. In order to have a job you need to be alive first, alive and stable. For that you need to reach out for help. Continue to talk here if it helps, but, at this time, you need some professional assistance as well and you need it urgently. I am terribly sorry for what you have been through..Clearly, those past abuses keep tormenting you and, clearly, you need to keep talking about it, but it is also important that you do it safely. When you are stable, it'll be much easier for you to process all those painful memories. Please, reach out for professional help. It is available. You just need to reach out. We all want you to stay alive and be well.

WM

I can't do that. Not quite yet. My daughter is leaving town for a few weeks next week. At that point, I will. I would never do anything while she was here. I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this but I know I will be strong enough to make it through this while she is here. I am terrified that if I do go to the hospital that my mother will use that against me to try to take my daughter. And if she does, I can guarantee that I won't make it through this. She is the only thing I have to live for. So I will wait until she is out of town and go from there. Thank you for your kind words.

You are most welcome. Do that when your daughter leaves. I perfectly understand your concern that hospitalization can be held against you, should there be a custody dispute, and I am sorry that you have a mother who might do this to you. On the other hand, it's not time to worry yet. Your emotional state, in and of itself, is not a basis for taking your daughter away from you. It might be one of the negative factors in a custody proceedings, but this one factor shouldn't determine the outcome. If such time comes when you need to fight for custody, you'll consult with a lawyer and do what's necessary. Take one step at a time. Don't try to anticipate everything in advance, as you don't know exactly how those cases are judged. Besides, if you don't take care of yourself while you are still in control up to some degree, there will be a point when you collapse and loose all the control, and THAT will work against you much more than just the fact that you had hospitalization. When people admit themselves to a hospital voluntarily, it doesn't look as bad to the judge than when are taken there because they've completely lost control. In fact, the fact that one has sought help implies that they are a responsible parent because they don't want their child to be affected by their mental state.

WM