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I'm 18 yro woman and was sexual abused when i was 5. I've been having a hard time as my friend has bad mental health issues at the moment and its bought a lot to the surfave. I hadn't thought about it for a few years until the last few weeks,due to my worry for him. Only my parents know about the incident.
I've been reflecting on the abuse and the fact ive been thinking about it a lot, i obviosuly cant lie to myself anymore that it didnt hurt me. The guy was a close family friend but enough evidence from the ecam they did could prosecute him. Though the pyschologist i saw after said she didnt think it affected me, but then again i was 5.

It's hard for me to wright this but i need to free my spirit. Iv'e only realised that i've been fighting myself for a long time and really am unsure if im just an act? I've had OCD (still do), eating disorder and anxiety but i hide this very well as i avoid situations.

Hi FIFI.noble,

When our own instincts contradict what our therapist says, it's always a good idea to seek a second opinion from another professional In your case it may be especially advisable because you are suffering.

Hey, thanks for the prompt replies!!!

Regarding the pychologist, i only saw her a couple of times at the pedreatric hospital i attended. As i was 5 and it only happened i don't think i would have been emotionally capable of understanding my feelings at the time. But saying that, i understood my feelings towards him ....
I've been reading up about the symptoms of a child whose experienced sexual abuse, and i know a lot of them i experienced up to about 14. When i was 10\11 i started having dreams about the incident, and i wasn't sure if it was just a dream or reality (it hadnt been discussed for years) but this is apperently a flashback. Also im extremally uncomfortable about any natural body processes regarding down there or sex, to most of my friends, its just be being a socialy awkward penguin but its not, sometimes i even joke about the subject so it can be changed to something else, this is a coping mecanizim. Also i had a feer of going to the bathroom in school, i think this was due to soon after the event i went to a summer camp for kids, and i had to go the bathroom. I accidently walked into the boys bathroom and was so scared (that something would happen) so i peed my pants. I remember i used to avoid drinking so i wouldnt have the urge to go at school. Saying this, i have always been a cheerful child, so nothing seemed to abnormal.

I dont feel i need to see a pyschologist, but what's killing me is not being able to confront my closest friends.I have a tough time with group situations, so only really have 6 friends i can trust. But it bothers me i can open up to them as i feel ive put this barrier up. Im also confused if im a fraud, as i am lying to them and lying to myself. Has anyone ever opened up to people about being abused?!? How do i proceed in doing it? I know if i tell people, they will completely understand why i do certian things. Do you think i should tell some of them? I have such bad trust issies, id be afraid theyd go and tell all there friends, and that would send me 100 steps back . :S
I'm also afraif i wil not be able to look at them directly again, as ive developed a strong relationship with the friends i have.

Thanks again
xxx

Thanks for the reply!!
I don't want to seem as if i want attention or sympathy. It's just i want my close friends to understand WHY i am so strange,anxious in certain situations, which i think now are a direct link to the incident. I dont paticually want to go into a long disscusion about it, but i think ill say to them, i was abused and thats why i can be the way i am. As i feel ready to open up, but it just makes me feel a bit nausious as it's been something i was told not to tell people. So it's going to be difficult and i don't know if i'll hold it together. Do you think this is a good decision? As in a way by not haveing it on my conscience i feel might set me free somewhat .... sorry if i sound so melo dramatic!

Does anyone else feel a fraud a lot of the time? As i do..

I just feel as if i've been putting on an act since it happened. It was like, it happened and now get over it and move on with your life. But it hasnt been like that, and i just feel that i wasn't the person i was meant to be because of it....

I just feel i have a lot going for me but i'm not reaching my potencial as it messed my development so much. That's why i feel the urge to tell\ talk to my close friends (especially 3 of them). But do u think it will be a burden for them??? Im scared they wont want to know .... im not sure what i'd be like in this situation :\

Sorry if i sound paranoid! Im just confused what action to take really ....

My philosophy in regards to telling people about anything is that there is no "shoulds". It's ok to do what you want to do and not worry about what you should do, as there are no "shoulds" in this situation. I don't know if your friends will be burdened by your disclosure or not. No one can know, so this is just one of those situations where it's about taking a risk and there is no right or wrong solution here. It's completely up to you if you want to do it or not.

It sounds like you struggle with a lot of confusing feelings.

I know your right, i'ts just really difficult to follow what my head or hearts saying, and tbh im not sure which is saying what .... :-\ . The only reason this all came to the surface is because of a friend confinding in me about his past .... It just made me think, i'm a bit of a fraud giving him advice how to cope with things when i never even faced this locked away burden. I still try tell myself, it was so long ago, just get over it. But how can you get over something when your in denial about it?!
I know i shouldn't be so secretive, as many people go through stuff to, but it's hard.

Im so confused