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Dislike kissing b/c of incest

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Dislike kissing b/c of incest

Postby forever_alone » Thu Jun 07, 2012 1:31 am

This will be long, so I apologize in advance. I'm just so confused right now.
I was sort-of sexually abused by my older brother until I was nine---I say "sort-of" because he wasn't much older than me, and the experimentation we were doing was a result of the environment. We were frequently exposed to porn and other explicit materials, and my mother's relationship with my oldest brother didn't give us any clear ideas of who was off-limits in sex, I guess (she was constantly naked and would hug/kiss that way all the time). I was also molested by a cousin when I was very young, about 4-5 years old (I don't remember much about this except the location that it happened. My older sister was also there and she told me it happened to us both).
When I was nine I went into foster care because my oldest brother had been raping my sister for at least four years (although, she too said that it was consensual and a product of the environment). I did great in foster care and didn't have any of the normal psych problems associated with childhood abuse or foster care. The only "symptom" I had was very strong urges to be sexually active, which I was fairly successful in ignoring for quite a while.
In sophomore year, I performed oral sex on my boyfriend while kneeling. I got a flash of feeling uncomfortable, so I started to stand up. He pressed his hands on my shoulders, as if to urge me to continue, lightly and only for a second. When he did that, I had a flashback of someone with dark hair---I couldn't remember what my oldest brother looked like, but I thought it was him. I panicked and burst into tears, and we broke up that night.
Since then, I have occasionally had the feeling of being extremely uncomfortable (emotionally) during sex and wanting to cry. I do not have casual sex, so I have always warned my partners that I may need to stop because I am always terrified it will happen again. I also think that I have a problem of becoming attached waaaaayyyy too soon, without really having a reason, so I have gotten into a pattern of serial monogamy (multiple relationships that started with sex within 1 week of dating the person and lasted 1-3 years each, with a gap of only a few months between each). This probably would have resulted in a very high number of sexual partners for me if the guy hadn't stuck around...

Now, here is why I am confused. A few months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, and I felt absolutely nothing. I recently started "hooking up" with a friend, and I have not told him any details about my past (just that I was in foster care). I don't worry about flashbacks with him. In every other relationship I have been in, I have hated kissing. I tolerated it, but it was really a mood killer during sex, and I didn't like to do it otherwise. I attributed this to the sexual abuse, but I don't actually have a valid reason to think that that was the case. In any event, I really love kissing this new guy. I actively seek kisses from him and...I don't know, I just feel really close to him when we kiss. And, as per usual, I have fallen for him waaaayyyy to soon. This time, though, I have made a list of reasons that I like him, as if to justify why I have fallen so quickly (I have made lists before, but usually they include "he's hot" and "he's smart" and not a lot else). Some examples on the new list: he is altruistic (loves to help others, almost completed registration to become foster parent, which I also would like to do some day), great with kids and wants more (I already have 1 and want many more), understands my sarcastic sense of humor and has one to match, introduces me to new things (I'm mostly impressed because its stuff I actively didn't want to try before meeting him: a variety of music genres, gardening, swing dancing, friends, food, sports), I love kissing him, and I am completely comfortable with him during sex (like so comfortable, I can tell him my weird fantasies instead of just the tame ones). He makes me want to be a better person and he's not even trying...

I guess I'm just trying to be more conscious of the fact that I rush into relationships, so this has left me stumped. Does it count as rushing in if there are actually valid reasons? Do I even have valid reasons, or in three years am I going to think about the list I made for him and only come up with "he was smart"? If its rushing in no matter how awesome the other person is, how can I slow down my process to a normal speed (and, what exactly is a normal speed?)?


I'll be honest; the thing that is really freaking me out right now is that I actually enjoy kissing him...So I'm wondering if there is something magical about him, or if I am just finally over any subconscious reservations I had (although it was only a few months ago that I actively disliked kissing my BF. Then after that I actively disliked kissing someone I had crushed on for some time, to the point that I actually lost interest in them completely). I just really like feeling good again, so I want this to be something real...I'd love any advice people can provide.
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Re: Dislike kissing b/c of incest

Postby CrackedGirl » Thu Jun 07, 2012 4:57 pm

I think for whatever reason you find this person a safe person to be with and someone who you trust. I think that it might be because they are a friend but my advice to you is to enjoy it. SOmething similar happened to me that made me realise I could enjoy sex and it was a revelation. I hope things go well for you.

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