Lost myself to mybrother

When i was 14 i met my brother for the first time; he was 20. I dont know how it happened but we got close and managed to sleep together. I hid it from people for months, i self harmed over it and was so confused. Finally it got too much and i told a friend, who then decided to spread it through my school and soon every school from where i live found out i got so much abuse and i wanted to kill myself, even my parents were disgusted, my real father completely abandoned me while i had to deal with psychiatrists and child protection agents, social services, police. My brother lied and everyone eventually got over it. Except for me. Im now 17 and i cant get it out of my head, it makes me sick, i just want to kill myself. I keep finding peace in being with men and its ended up really badly as i just recently met a guy who tried it on with me when it was un-wanted. I just dont know what to do, i need to feel peace but i cant, if any body knows a way to help me please help.

This sounds likea really traumatic experience for you and I am so sorry you are struggling. I am not surprised tho as this must be very difficult to process. It sounds like you have not been well supported and that is not fair. Do you still have contact with a mental health team as I think it is really important that a professional knows how bad you are feeling. Please keep talking here too

Safe hugs

Cracked

Thank you, but no i am not still in any form of counseling. My family hated me being in the counseling, and i thought if i stopped perhaps i could forget about it. The only support i had was from school when i left counseling and now iv left school i have no one, my parents never want to speak about it and iv never really trusted other people, its been really hard having relationships and my previous ex actually used it against me when we broke up :/

Family members often feel threatened when someone is seeing a counselor, fearing that the "family secrets" will be exposed, or just that they will be confronted with reality.

It may sound selfish, but you have to do what is best for you, and that may make other people uncomfortable.

Just getting out of the box that they have assigned you to will make them feel uncomfortable.


Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Lost in Soul-

Your post struck me like a bolt of lightning! You are not alone! This happened to me too! Please hang in there! This is not your fault and you will recover from it! Trust me! I'm so glad you told your family about what happened. Keeping it to yourself would have been the worst thing you could have done.

I met my oldest brothers when I was 14 and they were 21 (they're identical twins). I thought they were the coolest people ever and I wanted to be just like them. We got close, just like with your story. It started with just little things that sounded flirty here and there. I thought they weren't used to talking to a sister and didn't know how to act, so I made excuses and let it go because I wanted the relationships so bad.

When I was 22 and they were 29 the older twin (T) got me in an emotional moment and I slept with him. The other twin, who I was closer to (N), seemed to sense something and became more inappropriate online with me. I asked him to stop. I never told anyone about what happened with T. I was experiencing something called "cognitive dissonance" (google this), which made me make self justifications for why I was doing things that didn't make sense and was contributing to my inner conflict (the dissonance). Basically I told myself that it didn't hurt me as much as it really did. Eventually