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Mother-Son abuse

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Mother-Son abuse

Postby omalley_cat » Mon May 21, 2012 10:35 pm

Hi there,
this is the only place i could think to come for some advice and guidance on how best to deal with this situation...
basically, I found out this morning that my brother was sexually abused by my mother went he was very young...or atleast he has memories that she initiated oral sex on him when he was about 3...
the thing is, I'm obviously finding this very hard to deal with...
I found out from my boyfriend, who my brother told in confidence on a very drunken night. My boyfriend swore not to say anything, but in the end he felt too guilty about keeping this secret from me. He now feels utterly utterly $#%^ at having broken my brothers confidence...
but because only my boyfriend is supposed to know about this, i cant ask my brother to talk to me, and i cant confront my mum (who i still live with by the way). I just dont know what to do... how can we be sure that this isnt some kind of fabricated memory, or something that was just a wierd dream? And how am I supposed to behave in this situation?
I dont have a dad, he left when i was 2 and my brother was 4. Me, my mum and my brother only have eachother. So either way, from this information, I'm losing someone who I can't afford to lose...
My brother is a very calm introverted sort of character, who has had all of the hallmark signs of sexual abuse for some time. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse, self harming behaviours (which date right back to his childhood) and he also sold himself for money when he was about 20. After that happened, my therapist at the time mentioned that he might have had a history of sexual abuse...5 years on, I hear this.
My mother is without a doubt incredibly emotionally manipulative. We have been responsible for her emotions since I can remember, and her needs have always been more important than ours. She has also been physically abusive in the past - loosing her temper and hitting us in the face. This only stopped when I was about 16 - I grabbed her wrist, looked her in the eye and told her that if she hit me again I'd lay her out. Ithink she knew I meant it...

So, with an understanding of their characters, I think its obvious who i'm inclined to believe...but its just too shocking to be true. Does anybody know anything about this type of abuse? Why would my mother do something like this? Is it likely I was harmed in this way? How should I deal with this? What is the best way to behave, both towards my mother and my brother? I really need some advice... i'm so totally lost...

thanks in advance X
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby turtlelove » Tue May 22, 2012 5:17 am

Wow, I am really sorry to hear about this. Do you have a therapist now that you can talk to about it?

Can your boyfriend bring the topic up to your brother again? Maybe they can have a few drinks together and your boyfriend can tell him you have mentioned before your therapist said he sounds as if he could have been sexually abused.

I don't really have any answers, but wanted to respond and tell you I am sorry and I hope you come up with some answers soon. I'm sure others will have good advice. I do suggest therapy for you to help you deal with this.
36 year old female
Incest survivor
PTSD with DDNOS

my blog:
**trigger warning: sexual abuse**
http://horrifiedinhiding.wordpress.com/
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby OMNICELL » Tue May 22, 2012 6:05 am

Is your brother seeking counseling?

I think counseling would be a good idea for you!

Mom might have lots of problems from her past!

Im sorry your going through all of this. ..
Dissociative Disorder
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Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby omalley_cat » Tue May 22, 2012 9:55 am

hi,

thanks for the replies. i dont have a counsellor at the moment - i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (needless to say this is the result of my parenting) last year and i'm currently out of work, so i dont really have a lot of money for therapy... i'll have to have a chat with my doctor.
mostly i just really want to understand why a mother would do something like this... i know its very sexist, but i always assumed it was men who did this sort of thing, and even when it is women its definitely not mothers. I thought the maternal need to protect would be too strong for them to do something like this...does anybody have any links to places where i can find out more about it?

As for my brother, my boyfriend is more than happy to keep talking to him whenever it arises.
He is the victim of sexual abuse also, and so is able to empathise to quite a high level. Although if i'm honest, I worry about his ability to counsel my brother when he's probably going to have such a strong emotional and psychological reaction to this sort of thing. Also, he knows my mum, which will make things harder...

One more thing that i've been thinking about since writing this - my whole world view is starting to change... my best friend was sexually abuse by her step dad, another good friend by a family acquantence, my boyfriend was, his ex girlfriend was, my mum was, and now my brother... this is mental! is sexual abuse just rampant in the world!? is this just what the world is like?

I think i might have always known that something like this had happened. I've had dreams too, where my mother has behaved inappropriately sexually. Although i'm very sure they're just dreams and not memories, I wonder whether or not the infant me witnessed something... I too have shwon symptoms of somebody who has repressed sexual abuse. What is the likelyhood that I was also touched? Is it best to ignore these fears entirely for now?

Wow, I really do need a therapist...so many questions!!!
thanks again for the responses XX
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby turtlelove » Tue May 22, 2012 4:30 pm

Ignoring stuff doesn't really help. I know it is tempting as this is all so overwhelming emotionally and even financially.

I just want to keep encouraging you to find therapy, and your brother too.

I don't know why anyone does this. It is a very common thing. Women are abusers too, but it isn't heard of as much. Maybe it is difficult for people to admit their mother or a woman is capable of this, so it isn't heard of as much. Another thing that is difficult is for men to admit to being sexually abused. I have heard them say they admit it, and people wonder why they are complaining. I suppose it is assumed males love sexual encounters while women are traumatized by them. But it happens. Usually the woman who abuses was abused herself.

I'm sorry this is going on for you.
36 year old female
Incest survivor
PTSD with DDNOS

my blog:
**trigger warning: sexual abuse**
http://horrifiedinhiding.wordpress.com/
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby aussie_surfer » Tue May 22, 2012 5:25 pm

Men are not always the perpetrators. In my case, I was molested by two girls over a period of years when I was a boy and I was raped (seems strange to say that) by an adult woman when I was 14. She was a friend of my Aunt. I believe now that my Aunt set me up for her.

Until a few weeks ago, when I posted on here, I had never told anyone. There is a special kind of shame that men feel about being sexually abused, after all, aren't we supposed to be the stronger of the sexes?

There is also a thought process that tells us that we are lucky that we got to do the sexual stuff. What 14 year old boy wouldn't want to have sex with a grown woman?

If anything, the thoughts and emotions for men abused by women are more complicated that form women abused by men. The fact that it was his mother adds a whole other layer of complexity.

I hope this helps somehow,
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby omalley_cat » Tue May 22, 2012 9:46 pm

thank you for the words of understanding, and the little shreds of light into my mothers behaviour.

I think i've been in shock for the past few days, because i just cried for nearly 3 hours. i dont think i've ever cried so much in my entire life! all i was thinking about was that, if my mother is an abuser, i dont see how i can have her in my life anymore. My personal moral compass doesnt cohabit with this sort of thing, so i dont see how i could have a relationship with her anymore... I know i need to detach now.

but the thing is, being a victim of her emotional abuse my entire life, I dont feel like i have the strength to do this. I'm petrified about life without her. I dont think i could cope. I dont think i could be comforted or ever feel safe, even though, in reality she never provided me with any real comfort or safety... I can see this logically. But the little child in me is just screaming and crying out for my mum.

this whole thing is just horrible, and i dont know how i'm ever going to detach from her. I know that what i really need now is support from people who might know how this feels. I dont know if this is the right place...i hope it is.
X
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Re: Mother-Son abuse

Postby aussie_surfer » Tue May 22, 2012 9:49 pm

We understand!

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothe ... order.html

I may be off base but look at the information on this site. It may help you understand the dynamics with your mother.
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