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Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trigger)

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Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trigger)

Postby djones88 » Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:54 pm

Hi my name is Darren and I'm 23 years old. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now (she's 19). She still lives at home with her parents. I guess you can call us High School sweethearts. We've been planning on moving in together soon and we're really serious about life together. However, my girlfriend has had trouble leaving home because of her father. Although her mom loves me, her father has hated me from day one. Even back then I had thoughts about him acting weird. Almost like a jealous ex-boyfriend. Anyway, we started talking about moving in without each other but her father refuses to allow. His stance has been that he wants her to finish college first (even though we would live close to her college). After a lot of tension back and forth, one night, after some drinking, I got made at my girlfriend and told her that her dad is acting like she's his girlfriend. She broke down hysterically. What I heard next made me sick to my stomach. It's been two months since she's told me and I still can't get over it. She said that her father has been molesting her since she could remember and would force her to get naked and (sorry for the bluntness) as he masturbated. As the years passed, and she turned 13, he began pressuring her to have sex with him. She refused for months, until she said she finally gave in and started performing oral sex on him. But the pressure for sex continued. Her father is very stern and persuasive man. Very mean and agressive. Although she says he never hit her or raped her, he tore her down mentally. He claimed to "love her" and that if she didn't do it she would not be a good daughter. So she gave in when she was just 14 years old. She claims that the sexual intercourse does not occur often, but it still does happen.

Here is the other problem: her father is a prominent man in the community and she doesn't want to get him in trouble. Her mother is also suffering from terrible depression and she refuses to tell her. I've had several moments where I almost confronted her father, but she begs me not to and threatens to leave me if I do. She says she is going to stop it, but it's hard and she's looking for the right time.

I love my girlfriend very much and it hurts me to see this. I feel like a bad person for not doing anything, but she tells me I do help by listening to her and guiding her through the pain. She says I give her strength and hope to leave. I'm the only person who knows. But I feel like I'm not doing enough. Sometimes I feel like I should put an end to this because I love her too much - even if it means her breaking up with me. But I'm scared of that too. What it will do to her. And I wouldn't want to leave her alone without any help.

I just need to understand what's going on. She says she doesn't have any attraction to him - SWEARS it. she SWEARS there are no feeling of love. she's just afraid and doesn't know how to stop it. my fear is that she is afraid to admit that she really does have feelings for him and does it somewhat voluntarily. If that would be the case, I don't know if I could handle it. I just need someone to help me understand this. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm depressed. I just don't know what to do or think. Someone PLEASE help me. :cry:
Last edited by djones88 on Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest

Postby MapleSyrup » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:32 pm

djones88 wrote:Hi my name is Darren and I'm 23 years old. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now (she's 19). She still lives at home with her parents. I guess you can call us High School sweethearts. We've been planning on moving in together soon and we're really serious about life together. However, my girlfriend has had trouble leaving home because of her father. Although her mom loves me, her father has hated me from day one. Even back then I had thoughts about him acting weird. Almost like a jealous ex-boyfriend. Anyway, we started talking about moving in without each other but her father refuses to allow. His stance has been that he wants her to finish college first (even though we would live close to her college). After a lot of tension back and forth, one night, after some drinking, I got made at my girlfriend and told her that her dad is acting like she's his girlfriend. She broke down hysterically. What I heard next made me sick to my stomach. It's been two months since she's told me and I still can't get over it. She said that her father has been molesting her since she could remember and would force her to get naked and (sorry for the bluntness) as he masturbated. As the years passed, and she turned 13, he began pressuring her to have sex with him. She refused for months, until she said she finally gave in and started performing oral sex on him. But the pressure for sex continued. Her father is very stern and persuasive man. Very mean and agressive. Although she says he never hit her or raped her, he tore her down mentally. He claimed to "love her" and that if she didn't do it she would not be a good daughter. So she gave in when she was just 14 years old. She claims that the sexual intercourse does not occur often, but it still does happen.

Here is the other problem: her father is a prominent man in the community and she doesn't want to get him in trouble. Her mother is also suffering from terrible depression and she refuses to tell her. I've had several moments where I almost confronted her father, but she begs me not to and threatens to leave me if I do. She says she is going to stop it, but it's hard and she's looking for the right time.

I love my girlfriend very much and it hurts me to see this. I feel like a bad person for not doing anything, but she tells me I do help by listening to her and guiding her through the pain. She says I give her strength and hope to leave. I'm the only person who knows. But I feel like I'm not doing enough. Sometimes I feel like I should put an end to this because I love her too much - even if it means her breaking up with me. But I'm scared of that too. What it will do to her. And I wouldn't want to leave her alone without any help.

I just need to understand what's going on. She says she doesn't have any attraction to him - SWEARS it. she SWEARS there are no feeling of love. she's just afraid and doesn't know how to stop it. my fear is that she is afraid to admit that she really does have feelings for him and does it somewhat voluntarily. If that would be the case, I don't know if I could handle it. I just need someone to help me understand this. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm depressed. I just don't know what to do or think. Someone PLEASE help me. :cry:


Triggering indeed :(

I guess, I can be the only member here who would understand your feelings at this difficult time of your life. My GF (Fiancee) did not/'does not drink. Good for her health :roll: . So she never made frank confession admission. However, all signs and symptoms suggested there had been something fishy going on....but with who? with her younger brother and father. What is still amazing and very unusual is that they are glued together as "happy ..solid ..well connected family". They all are excellent achievers. I still can't understand the Psychology behind this matter. Why I am torn and damaged while they live closer and happier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I have no clue.

Anyway, I am sorry for what you have been through. It seems for me that your gf is still vulnerable. There is clear imbalance of power in your case. Be good man and stand by her. She needs your help, support and also counselling. How you would proceed for that? it depends on both of you and the home circumstances.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest

Postby Greatexpectations » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:35 pm

She does not have feelings for him, she does not do this voluntarily. He is a abuser a pedophile a disgusting creep.
She is telling the truth if you love her believe her the last thing she needs is for you to invalidate her.
He is a narcissist, a bully, a control freak someone self absorbed, selfish, only caring about his own needs.
He does not love her, he uses her. He only loves himself.
You sound supportive, a good lad, she is lucky.
Ideally she needs to get away from him, not easy when he is so dominant. She needs to tell the police really and prosecute but I can understand that she can't face doing that.
She should move away, get right away from this creature A.S.A.P.
Could she confide in her doctor? There must be a help group she can talk too, survivors of incest or something similar check it out, they will have experience and know what to do next.
I can understand you are struggling with this information, she knew you would which is why she has never told you before.
She is in pain, please believe her and support her she needs help.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest

Postby djones88 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:14 am

Thank you both - your thoughts and care make me feel better. It's very difficult to deal with.

What I failed to mention, because I have not talked about it with anyone before... is that I was abused for years by my uncle. So, I....understand. Wow, that was tough to say. :cry:

I did tell my girlfriend, but we don't talk about that very much.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:44 am

Hi

I am sorry to hear that you were abused and also that your girlfriend is going through abuse. her father is the one in the wrong here. Much as it might be difficult to believe it as it is such a difficult situation she is not doing this because she wants to. She is being abused.

I think try to be as non judgemental as possible - again I know it must be difficult. Also help her figure out how to leave this situation and also how to get help.

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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby EarlGreyDregs » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:37 pm

It may be difficult for her because she might still feel some sort of love & loyalty because he's her father. It can get pretty tricky with emotions when it's immediate family like that.

But she's definitely not doing it voluntarily. Abuse is very complicated & various methods of manipulation are usually present. I have a feeling that she is lost on how to stop it. It's hard to see a way out.

Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy for what happened to you? I would suggest it. A therapist could help with a solution to how to get out of the situation & away from the father.

At the moment, just be as supportive as possible & don't assume anything about how she's feeling. Like Cracked said - be non-judgmental.

- EGD.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby djones88 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:46 pm

Once again, thanks for the words of support.

I just fear I have no way to influence the situation. It almost feels like it's all in her hands, and if that's the case, then her father will be the one who overpowers her. It's hard somedays to not just give up on everything, but I know I can't. I love her too much. But I just don't know any more. I'm so confused. I feel like a terrible person because, inside, I'm not handling it well. I try to remain strong for her on the outside, but it's killing me. It's just killing me.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby EarlGreyDregs » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:54 pm

I know that you probably feel helpless right now. But it really is her decision at the moment. Doing or saying something when she isn't ready for could really upset her. But you can influence the situation, you can support her, give her heartfelt advice, be there for her. Perhaps you could suggest that the both of you go to therapy together, that way you could be there for her throughout the process. Just a possibility.

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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby dhooper » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:37 pm

As everyone else has said, she does not have feelings like that for him. But because she still may feel a father daughter connection, and because sex is supposed to be a pleasurable thing, she might be asking herself the same question. But the answer is no, she does not authentically feel that way. The best thing you can do for the two of you, and a must, imo, is seek professional help from a therapist. The emotional toll that this kind of thing has on someone, doesn't just go away, once that offender is out of their life. She may be very insecure about telling anyone, including yourself, any more than she has to. You need to reassure her that you will not judge anything she tells you. You want want her to tell you everything, but she has to come forward with it willingly. Try to alleviate any guilt or fault that she expresses on the situation, and assure her that she is not to blame. And definitely don't confront her father. I know from my own similar experience, how helpless it makes you feel, along with the anger and disgust toward the offender, when you have those feelings for someone that was a victim of such a crime. And I know that if I took the opportunity to confront the offender in my situation, it would be more than a verbal exchange, that would likely get me in trouble, and leave me even more helpless to help. Yes be her support. I feel for you, and hope the best outcome for the two of you.
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Re: Help me understand Father/Daughter incest (possible trig

Postby arandomname » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:56 am

Well looks like together with abuse you've got yourself a hostage situation as well. And I think maybe... IF she does have feelings for him... it's just stockholm syndrom. Seriously.

It could be at least. Not something you would think of that easily. But I think it has got something to do with someone having all the power... and her having to listen... and then... yeah some kind of appreciation begins to form. I don't know... Same principle as a hostage situation if you ask me. She's probably just terrified of her dad.

Don't know how that helps though. It wouldn't be natural feelings at least. She wouldn't have feelings for him (... I'm 99,99999% sure) if he wasn't acting the way like he does now. So don't worry about that at least. Some kind of strange coping mechanism I bet it is.
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