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unwanted incest/rape fantasies *Trigger*

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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unwanted incest/rape fantasies *Trigger*

Postby kiwifruit123 » Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:22 pm

First off I'd just like to say that I am so so sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place and offend anyone. I want you to know that I do NOT think it is ok that these terrible things happen to anyone and I really hope you keep that in mind before reading what I have to say and judging me.'

I am a 22yr old female who has a long list of unwanted fantasies. Mostly they involve forced, pedophiliac , incest but I feel like it is more a humiliation, degradation, and loss of trust type fantasy. I am completely appalled and ashamed of myself for these fantasies but have had them since I was very young and don't really know what to do about them. The lack of information on the internet makes me feel like a total freak, it seems that females don't have these kinds of fantasies, or don't talk about them if they do.

I feel like I have control over them and would never act on them. I am not attracted to my own family members in any way, all fantasies are completely fictional, and the thought of anyone actually hurting any child makes me sick. I am not a bad person and do not think that these fantasies are ok. If I could get rid of them I would. I fee like the worst person in the world. I just want them to go away.

What I am terrified of though is seeing a therapist about them. I am terrified of uncovering abuse that I have repressed. I feel like it would explain the fantasies and also other anxiety disorders I suffer from. But I can't help but wonder if maybe it would be best not to know if I was abused.
If I was I have absolutely zero recollection of it. I come from a loving family and apart from some serious emotional bullying in elementary school I had a happy childhood. I have one theory that the bullying could be a reason behind all my anxiety and also the fantasies. It was not sexual or physical but it did involve humiliation, lack of control and lack of trust.

Another thing to note is that I have a very low sex drive in my relationship. I have had a healthy sex life in the past with men but after about a year of painful sex due to a problem with thrush, sex has become something i'm not really interested in. I think this has more to do with the painful sex I was having than the fantasies but I could be wrong.

If I have to see a therapist to get this figured out I will, though it is really terrifying to open up to someone face to face because I feel like they will judge me and think i'm a terrible human being for thinking these things. I'm also not sure if I can afford to see a therapist on an ongoing basis.

What do you guys think I should do?
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Re: unwanted incest/rape fantasies

Postby BBQKingVA » Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:05 pm

Please don't feel like you are a freak. Many women have the same types of fantasies. Most don't act on them, but they still think about it. You may want to start seeing a therapist about your anxiety issues, and then if you feel comfortable, give them more information, little by little. Don't think you have to go in there and dump everything on the table.

Sexual desires are natural and not something you can control. They are a culmination of your experiences. I hope you find healing.
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Re: unwanted incest/rape fantasies

Postby CrackedGirl » Tue Aug 30, 2011 6:31 pm

Hi and welcome,

I have put a trigger warning in your title. I think if you are wondering about abuse and this is disturbing you it would be worth seeing a therapist. I know it is scary but it would allow you to work through it in a safe environment. Another thing I thought if you want to talk about this is you might also like to post in the paraphilias forum too. There may be ppl there who can help and reassure you about this. You are brave to post.

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Re: unwanted incest/rape fantasies *Trigger*

Postby JuliaC » Tue Sep 06, 2011 10:21 am

kiwifruit123, there's a proven psychological connection between fantasies of a violent, abusive, and or humiliating nature to being abused as a child. Often when a child is abused a conditioning of the brain occurs that confuses abuse with affection and affection with abuse. So you quandary over if you had been abused as a child is completely warranted. This doesn't mean that it doesn't stem from the bullying you suffered as a child. It could be the subconscious humiliation of an unremembered sexual or physical assault, or it could be a combination of that and the bullying. The uncertainties of this nature is why professional counseling is an imperative tool needed to resolve the internal struggles of the human mind. A professional therapist has the tools and knowledge to guide you through the process in a safe and controlled manner.

More women then who are willing to talk about it have had thoughts of this nature. You aren't strange, a bad person, or in anyway a terrible human being for having these thoughts. You realize you need to see a counselor if you want to put an end to these thoughts, get them under control, or understand where they are coming from. So find a counselor and talk to them. I hope that you can find one who can help you deal with these feelings and I hope that you can afford their services.

This is for you if it is okay. ((hug))
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Re: unwanted incest/rape fantasies *Trigger*

Postby lizzyanne » Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:05 pm

Hello, I hope you are still there and looking for help because I signed up just to reply to you. I've wanted to join this forum for a few days now seeing how it could help me but your post gave me the chance to join.

I felt like I was reading about myself. Since I was young, about 12 or 13, I've had sick, twisted fantasies about rape, incest, and various sexual activities that I am too ashamed to even recall at the moment. I've never had the desire to actually act them out in real life, but I have been constantly questioning my abnormality and wondering without an answer why I have these sick thoughts.

Recently I begun to suspect I was sexually abused when I was younger, but I have no memories of any terrible thing happening. I just know that from a certain period of time, I turned from a peaceful, calm, loved child into an angsty, self-abusive, sex addict constantly battling depression, for no apparent reason. It makes me sad to think that I may just have been born this way, but I suspect that something did happen.

I do also relate to the emotional bullying that you experienced in elementary school. I experienced that too and I was terribly humiliated. It still affects the way I behave in social situations. I fear social encounters and have an inferiority complex over others. But that hardly explains my obsession with sick fantasies.

I don't know what you decided to do since your post, but I am thinking about talking to a therapist. I think that finding out what may have happened in our past will help us realize that we were not born twisted but rather conditioned to think in unhealthy patterns by whatever happened. Maybe then we could stop blaming ourselves and feel out of place in this world. I am tired of feeling like a criminal and a deviant. Aren't you?
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Re: unwanted incest/rape fantasies *Trigger*

Postby sabrefly » Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:44 pm

I know it would be hard to tell a therapist about your situation but I honestly think it's the best thing to do. I was abused when I was a teenager and now I am facing the fact I am going to have to tell a new therapist about my situation and it scares me. However, I know it would be the best thing for me because it would released a lot of pent up anger, humiliation, and embarrassment. I think you would benefit from doing the same. I hope everything works out well for you.
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