sibling relationship, manipulation, and confusion

I decided to join this because my therapist thought it might be a good idea. Well here's my story-I recently found out I was adopted by my aunt and raised thinking my twin died as a baby when in reality she was alive and my "cousin". Now I haven't seen my "cousin" since I was a child. We were both sexually abused by a family member and then when we were about 11 or 12 she moved away after the trial and I never saw "Abby" again until the last few years. When we were in our late 20's we found each other again. This is where I am having problems. We have found ourselves sexually attracted to eachother and have acted out those feelings I'm so ashamed to admit. This always happens with the use of alcohol. She's married and I'm in a relationship. Abby's husband knows and thinks we are both sick in the head and this has caused so many problems. He throws it in her face that we are too close and blames us that we both have bipolar and f***up childhoods. I don't know what to do and I'm so confused.

-- Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:07 am --

and also forgot to mention that when I try to tell her no she tries to make me feel as if its my fault and she wants to kill herself or selfharm because she says to me"without you I am dead and empty" and then I feel bad and do what she wants. This is not all she tells me. It usually starts with us having drinks and talking about when we were kids and what happened. And sometimes she does stuff that hurts me. So I love her but I don't know what to do because she is all I have literally.

Hi Amy,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like she is emotionally manipulating you to a degree. As for acting on your desire, I think it would be best to avoid alcohol whilst around her. Tell her no and stick to it as this is obviously messing with your head. I am really glad you are seeing a therapist. Do they know everything baout what is going on? Have you heard about genetic sexual attraction? I wonder if this is relevant in your case and might be worth looking into tho I think that trying to stop this contact with your sibling is very important. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. I am so sorry to hear of all you have been through.

Cracked

Cracked,
Thanks. No I am scared to tell him I drink every time I'm with her because he might think I have a problem. I only drink when I'm with her otherwise I never use anything. He once mentioned genetic sexual attraction but then disputed it in my case since we split in late childhood. I haven't been with her for the last month and she cut herself and showed me on skype telling me she was gonna kill herself. I ended up calling someone and then she got hospitalized and is now out. My doctor said I did the right thing and that she was crying out for help but also manipulating me. I'm supposed to go see her in October for a weekend that's been planned previously. I'm scared things will get out of control and so I am gonna try not to be around alcohol.

I am sorry she did that. She is manipulating you into doing something you dont want to do and this is not fair. Is there any way you can get out of the weekend?

Cracked

Hi Amy -

I'm sorry that you are going through such confusing & traumatic events at the moment. Your sister sounds very sick. Is she seeing a therapist herself? Did you talk to her about your concerns about her manipulating you? Or would you be willing to have her come with you to one of your therapist sessions?

I realize these things are really hard so don't worry - I'm not expecting you do go out & do these things.

CrackedGirl wrote:I am sorry she did that. She is manipulating you into doing something you dont want to do and this is not fair. Is there any way you can get out of the weekend?

Cracked

I would but since she is a singer she is performing and its really important i show up. But I have an idea to bring someone along so that I'm not alone

Amy_ wrote:

CrackedGirl wrote:I am sorry she did that. She is manipulating you into doing something you dont want to do and this is not fair. Is there any way you can get out of the weekend?

Cracked

I would but since she is a singer she is performing and its really important i show up. But I have an idea to bring someone along so that I'm not alone

I think bringing someone along is a great idea.

Cracked

EarlGreyDregs wrote:Hi Amy -

I'm sorry that you are going through such confusing & traumatic events at the moment. Your sister sounds very sick. Is she seeing a therapist herself? Did you talk to her about your concerns about her manipulating you? Or would you be willing to have her come with you to one of your therapist sessions?

I realize these things are really hard so don't worry - I'm not expecting you do go out & do these things.

Thank you. Yes she is very sick I feel, but I did get her to go to one session with me and when i brought up what happened she stormed out of the office because she was embarrassed that I told. Before she stormed out we were talking about how me and her talk and how we get along and stuff. My doctor later told me that he thinks she has some boundary issues, treats me like I am her girlfriend, manipulates me to get her own way and makes bad judgments. About a month after this she went to her own therapist and I went with her for support after we talked over stuff. She is scared to bring up our relationship issues though. We end up just talking about our childhoods

I think maybe she needs to build up towards talking about it. Perhaps it is, indeed, too embarrassing for her & maybe she's in denial about what she is doing. Do you agree with that?

I definitely think this needs to be confronted. Has she tried anything recently? If she does - I really think you should attempt to stand your ground no matter what threats she makes. If she cuts herself or does anything self-destructive, it is NOT your fault. It is her decision to do those things. You have to protect yourself. She isn't your responsibility - YOUR well-being is your responsibility.

Do you know if she brought up her manipulation & relationship issues with her own therapist at all? When you weren't there? This definitely needs to be taken under control.

EarlGreyDregs wrote:I think maybe she needs to build up towards talking about it. Perhaps it is, indeed, too embarrassing for her & maybe she's in denial about what she is doing. Do you agree with that?

I definitely think this needs to be confronted. Has she tried anything recently? If she does - I really think you should attempt to stand your ground no matter what threats she makes. If she cuts herself or does anything self-destructive, it is NOT your fault. It is her decision to do those things. You have to protect yourself. She isn't your responsibility - YOUR well-being is your responsibility.

Do you know if she brought up her manipulation & relationship issues with her own therapist at all? When you weren't there? This definitely needs to be taken under control.

It's embarrassing even for me as well as her. Trust me I don't make a practice of doing the things I've done with her and I feel such guilt and don't even know why I did them. So my guilt is huge. She doesn't seem to feel guilt sometimes over this because she says we weren't raised together and that's the excuse she gives 'cos its not like we're sisters. When I remind her but in reality we are she says it doesn't matter. So yeah I do think denial is apretty good description.
But I do feel such a responsibility because of turning my back on her lately so it's gotten really hard to deal with because now she cut herself.No she doesn't think she has any relationship issues except with her husband and she thinks me and her relationship is perfectly fine. So she hasn't said any of this stuff to her therapist.
I do realise my well being is important and since this stuff has happened I have been finding my self so depressed and having suicidal thoughts coming. But I did tell my doctor and have been seeing him every few days until I start to feel better. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar after having abought of insomnia last for 4 days straight and a few weeks of depression. I've always had the depression but it has gotten so bad this last year. My sister was diagnosed with bipolar about 15 years ago and also has borderline too. I guess being twins makes it a higher chance of that.