Son and Daughter Sexually Abused by Mother

I am new to this forum, but am now in need of advice and not sure who to turn to.

First of all, I am a single custodial father of two, and my children are an 11yr old boy and 8yr old daughter.

My ex-spouse (biological mother of my two children) has led a very disturbed lifestyle with drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect, etc.

I am sure in addition to what I am about to write, there was hidden abuse which took place; which to this day, I do not know anything about due to my children's ages at the time. I will share the incidents I am aware of, and hopefully someone can offer me words of wisdom.

The first notice I received about sexual abuse came when I arrived home from work one day, and my son (6yrs old at the time) was showing his privates to my daughter, and was making her cry trying to remove her clothes as well. I brought the situation to an immediate close, but could not figure out where in the world he learned such behavior from. I started by going to his school and investigating the teacher and asking him about the students he was with, etc. My search there dead-ended, and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I started seeing major behavioral changes in him, to the point where he went from one of the top students in class, to failing 1st grade altogether. He no longer had any focus, and I knew something was wrong with him.

A few weeks later, my wife cheated on me in front of him, and he was the one to let me know soon as she went to work. I was always told the reason she got home very late was due to inventory at work, etc., but I found merit to his story when she started coming home smelling like alcohol and 1am started turning into 4-6am. Needless to say, she had been very abusive physically and verbally toward all of us for a few years, but I never assumed anything sexual was going on--especially toward the children.

After he told me about her and her new boyfriend, I confronted her one morning as she arrived home drunken, and made sure to video tape her confession. She openly discussed what she had done and how many times she had cheated, and then passed out on the sofa.

I knew then the relationship was over and filed for divorce the following day--the physical abuse had gotten so ugly, her infidelity was almost a relief and a way to get my kids out of that mess. Once the kids knew the divorce had taken place and she was out of the home, they started confessing things to me.

My son admitted that she had taken him to a pool party, and that one of the individuals there (a nasty girl in her mid 20's), started taking her clothes off and a guy started doing things to her in front of the children present. He said he tried to get out of the pool, and the girl grabbed him and did some inappropriate things on him as well, and my ex-wife just laughed at him while he struggled. His change in behavior certainly made much more sense after he explained the details. I went to the police and to child services, and got the same story: Nothing I can do without proof, and I did not know anything about that woman but her first name. Apparently his behavior changes were not enough to pursue a case against either of the culprits.

My son has suffered major psychological issues since then, and it has been a struggle to get him to focus on anything successfully--especially school work.

I got full custody of the children, and the dead-beat mother hasn't bothered paying child support, or visiting the children more than once a year... which is fine with me, but upsetting to the children.

However, I started to move on with my life these many years later, and I believe my ex-wife did not take too kindly to it--not to mention her failure to pay child support is catching up with her and they took her $700 income tax and sent it to the children. She visited the children in April this year(first time in just over a year), and for the first time wanted to keep them for more than a few hours--overnight, actually.

When they kids came home, they were awful and rebellious. They started mistreating my fiancee and disobeying anything told to them. Additionally, the seemed really hurt, and crying a lot more than normal. Finally, I took some time and tried to get into their heads by way of open discussion, one at a time.

As it turns out, they said she forced them to watch pornography on her cell phone, and a bad movie on the cable at the hotel, and they were very discriptive in the details. There seemed to be more bothering them, but I could not get it out. Nonetheless, I went to child services and asked for advice. They told me that unless the mother was obtaining some form of sexual gratification while showing them the sex videos, then there is nothing they can do.

I am seriously made to feel helpless with this type of abuse going on. The only option they said I had was notifying her in writing that she must participate in supervised visitation at a designated building.

My son seemed to have gotten over that incident, but issues continued to grow out of my daughter significantly, and in turn she obtained a urinary tract infection right after her visit with her mother--which really struck me as odd for an 8 yr old girl.

One night, I get some time alone with my daughter after work, and she started crying on my shoulder and said there were some things she needed to tell me. She stated that her mother had her in the hotel, and was in a hurry to get a shower, and barged into the bathroom where my daughter was and told her to get out. My daughter said she had just gotten in and needed to finish bathing, then her mother forcibly grabbed and obtained control by shoving her finger inside the vagina of my daughter, and using that as her means to keep her from struggling as she rinsed her off and yanked her out of the bathtub.

My daughter confessed that she bled after the incident and then got that infection--she said the finger was inside for almost a full minute. She didn't want to get her mother in trouble, and she didn't want her mother to go to jail over it, so that is why she hasn't said anything until now. She said she couldn't deal with holding it in any longer, and had to tell me.

I tried everything to comfort her, just like I had to do for my son some years ago.

Problem is, I am not sure how to handle this now. Rather than abuse, I would almost say that the event is sexual assault, and my daughter has now waited months to tell me about it.

I have asked others for opinions and advice, and they keep saying to keep child services out of it because they will just blame everyone and take the children, and the ex-wife can just make up lies in retalation. Additionally, they are saying that the tests Child Services will perform on my child will be significanlty more traumatizing than simply letting it go.

My argument is I do not want my daughter growing up and saying I did nothing about it, or some other children (including the two she has with her new husband) being abused by her in similar or worse ways because she was allowed to get away with it. I cannot live with that on my conscience.

My daughter (and son) needs help, and at this point, we are made to believe that the resources we have available to help us will do more harm than good. I went to the police, and they said to talk to Child Services. I am hesitating speaking with CS on Monday because everyone seems to think that she will retaliate and make false claims after I turn her in, and it might risk me losing the children altogether and them being placed in foster care or such. I thought Child Services was there to help us, not make matters worse?

What am I supposed to do? This woman cannot be allowed to treat children this way, and I certainly do not want to make things worse or more traumatic for my kids than they are already.

I come to you as a father with a broken heart who does not want to get stampeded by the system for taking a stand against this female pedophile. Your advices are much appreciated.

The first thing you need to do is cut off all contact that woman has with the children. She is going to abuse them, most likely every time she sees them. So do not allow her to be around them anymore. You wrote that you got full custody of the children - use it! There is nothing at all in the world that could possibly make it worth letting her have access to the children at all, ever. If they want to see her, they can wait until they are adult age.

If you haven't already, take your daughter to the doctor and get her treated for the UTI. Two reasons - firstly, an untreated UTI can become kidney disease, secondly, there will be the starts of a paper trail should an investigation be opened. It shows that you took care of your daughter's health needs, and that somehow an 8yo girl got a UTI.

Get both children (and possibly yourself) into individual therapy. As long as they no longer see their mother, the therapist can't report to CPS (I believe they have to report when the child is in danger of harm, and can't if there is no harm happening).

Write down everything you can remember about the contact your ex-wife has had with the children, including the date, what type of contact (phone, face to face, at your house or hers, etc) and any details you can remember. Write down the dates that your children confided in you regarding the abuse, and the basics of what they said. If you can't remember the exact dates, at least try to narrow down the year and month when you can. Everything you can remember, write it down. It can be used should this be reported to the police. Also write down the times you went to the police and CS, and what they said - it sounds like a load of BS to me that there's nothing they can do.

Try talking to CS again and see what they say. If, once again, they say there's nothing they can do, write that down. Perhaps warn her husband that she was abusive to you and the children when you were married to her, and that she may sexually abuse his children, too.

Just BTW - she may not be a pedophile, she may simply be an abuser or molester.

Sorry for the huge reply, I tend to get a little rambly at times! What your children need from you is protection and safety. If all you can do is stop their mother from seeing them and get them therapy, then you've done that.

Hello,

ANY innappropriate sexual contact by a parent leaves a child with an abiding mistrust of the world and any of the people in it. This is because we expect our primary caregivers - our parents - to show us how life works, how to love, how to feel, how to be and what is right.

As a survivor of maternal sexual abuse myself, I am urging you to keep your children away from your former wife. It is possible that she suffers from a personality disorder such as Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. The reason I suggest this is because any mother in the normal range of behaviour would never expose their children to what she has and would never do what she has done.

Your children's safety is paramount. You seem to be an intelligent parent concerned for their welfare so I would echo the sentiments of previous responses and avoid contact with her any further. I understand you may want them to have a relationship with their mother but do not succumb to society's reluctance to call a mother a bad one. She is - that's the reality. When they are older you can explain to them why you needed to protect them and how. Counselling is a good idea now, however the most important thing you can do for them is to provide them with good parenting, appropriate authoritative discipline, love, commitment and security. You are their world and when they understand why you made this decision they will respect and love you for it. The biggest mistake in this kind of situation is to allow any exposure to her toxic world as they will ask you why you allowed it when they grow older. Do NOT be an enabling parent. They are often the worst perceived later in life: "Why did (other parent) not protect me?"

Please remember that you and your children are the family. You three together are the unit now. Protect it and nurture as you have done. Withdraw from their mother - she is of no benefit to any of you.

I wish you three well into the future.

I am wondering why there are so many people telling this father to stop allowing the mother to see their children. Does anyone know this is illegal and the fastest way to provide the mother with a valid reason to take full custody and deny paternal visitation? In most states, with or without a legal custody agreement, both parents are considered entitled to visit their children unless a Judge has deemed one of them unfit and that rarely happens, especially with a mother. Judges force children to visit serial killer parents and pedophiles who molested them. Sometimes the Judge will even insist the child be transported to the jail. This country is completely whacked when it comes to maternal abuse and forced visitation! So my advice is do NOT discontinue visits until this has been ruled in court. First, if you haven't already, seek a very good attorney. This is going to cost you, so if you really want to help your children, get a second and third job and be prepared to pay dearly for legal assistance, which you must have in order to fight this. Take the kids to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and any other counselor they are willing to talk to. Ask that their sessions be recorded and keep copies. Document everything, with dates and times of statements and incidents. Let the therapists know you want help for the children AND that you are building a case against the abuser. Be very careful who you trust, because you are absolutely right, she can easily come back and turn the abuse around on you. Make sure your kids aren't going to buckle and point at you before you proceed. Don't expect anything from the court system, but it is worth a try! CS doesn't usually know how to deal with these cases, and they most likely won't help you. In fact the people who are telling you not to contact them are partially right, you take your chances. However, if you don't report, they will say you were hiding something or you were a neglectful parent, so the best thing to do is to report with your attorney and the help of the counselors. If all the letters, testimony, children's testimony and attorney's plans do not convince the Judge to assign at least supervised visitation, then go to the media. Don't act like a crazy person, you must remain very calm and have ALL your ducks in a row. Hopefully your children are willing to vouch for you that you are not the abuser, and if they're not ready for all this yet, you might have to hold off on the media and take them to their counselor after each and ever visit until THEY are ready to come out with their story. This should happen around ages 15 or so, and believe me, the Narcissist mother will have worked their minds and hearts over by then. It is an uphill battle but it can be fought. We did not win our battle, and my step daughter ended up setting a fire in her mother's house. Her mother had her arrested for arson and now, 4 years later they are now both adults and good friends. Look up traumatic bonding. Brace yourself, because you can TRY to help them, but don't expect the results you want. Let the kids work it all out for themselves, and just love them. My very best advice through it all is to TRUST GOD with everything!! Your life, their lives, justice, peace in your heart, prayer for the abuser, and all the grace he has to give. If you follow God you will end up with character of steel. I wish you the best!

I am so sorry this is happening to you! Brace yourself! It will most likely get worse! My son was sexually abused by his biological mother when he was 5 until he was 8. He has been in counseling since he was 6 and we are still dealing with the horrible reprecutions of what was done to him.
We started noticing strange behavior in my step-son when he was 5. He was behaving inappropriately with his little brother (my 1yr old son) and would become easily upset and cry over little things. We started taking him to counseling thinking maybe it was the custody stuff. He was in counseling for a year when he told us that his mother was bathing with him.. Not very normal or appropriate for a mother to be bathing with her 6yr old son. He told us he felt like she was treating him like a baby, as if she felt she need to help him bathe still. My husband asked her to stop bathing with him. When she wouldn't he called CPS. And just as the case was with you they told him that unless we could prove that she was being sexually gratified while bathing with him, there was nothing we could do. Well she is his mother! She wouldn't sexually abuse him! right?? She just had weird boundary issues. So this went on till he was 8 years old when I caught him trying have have his 3 year old cousin perform oral sex on him. I knew Something was going on!!!! I called a mental health program to get answers on what I could do! They listened to what I had to say about the sexual behaviors of my step-son. I told them all I knew of what it might come from. About bathing with his mother, her having different men sleeping at her house while he was there, etc. He had never told anyone anything so we had no idea what was going on! Finally the man on the phone told me that everything I had told him was a red flag and that he was required to report to DCFS. We were called to bring my step-son in for an interview the next week. It was not until then that we found out what had been happening. When that woman would bathe with my step-son she would have him "wash" her. She told him she could not reach her vagina and anus and that he needed to wash those for her. Inside and out. She would lay back while he washed her nipples and have him "wash" inside her vagina and anus! He told the DCFS worker that his "penis would go up" when he washed her and then she would "wash" it.
After that she was prosecuted and found guilty on aggravated sexual abuse of a child.
Unfortunately, I believe that the only reason that she was convicted was because my step-son did not disclose to anyone except the DCFS worker.
I guess there is too much of parents "coaching" their kids to make accusation against the other parent to try to get them in trouble.
My advice to you is to get your kids into counseling! If it comes out in counseling what this monster has done to them and it is the counselor who calls CPS then something might actually happen.
Also, if you have full custody of the kids. Don't let her see them. All she can do is take you to court and ask the judge to grant her visitation again. She cannot take custody of them just because you won't let her see them. She has to prove that there is a substantial change in living conditions either with you or her before she can even start the process of doing that.
Once again I am so sorry this is happening to you. I will pray for you and your sweet children.

I am sorry that this abuse has happened to your children, man. Your right, it is sexual assault in some way. I would alert the authorities, and divorce from your wife -- as she sounds like a sick woman.

SoulSurfa' in their sig wrote:If you are a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, please PM me. I can help you.

Some people may be uncomfortable about PMing someone they don't know, so it can be good just to keep things to the open forum initially so that people have a chance to get to know you and also so that many can benefit from the replies that get typed in a thread.

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