weird dreams/intuition = sexual abuse from father?

Please excuse the long post ... I'm new here. Dealing with a lot, and I need some sort of answer.

Here goes: My father has malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As I was growing up, he was an alcoholic with a terrible temper and abusive in every way (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally ... and I think sexually). Regarding the sexual abuse, at the very least, he was extremely sexually inappropriate with me as a young girl, telling me misogynstic things like "women need go to bed at night without panties so they can air out their dirty parts" and all manner of other filthy things. Or he would ask me inappropriate things, like when I was around age 14 and developing, he asked me if I could still sleep on my stomach now that my boobs were getting so big.

I am now 39 years old, with a 12-year-old daughter. When she turned 12, I started remembering some dreams I had, but my entire life, I've had this feeling, this suspicion, that my dad sexually abused me. Here are some of the reasons why:

-- I was cutting my arms beginning at age 10, and at that point, I didn't even know why I was doing it. I just found it soothing, and I was very attached to this old knife I'd found in the back yard. Cutting is a classic symptom of having been sexually abused at a very young age.

-- An explicit dream I had when I was around age 12. I was in my dad's bedroom sucking a grown man’s penis. I was 12 – I didn’t even know people did that yet! I was so shocked and disgusted by that dream, and it has stuck with me forever. And while I didn’t see the man’s face, in my mind, there was one word, one feeling: Dad.

-- Another explicit dream I had when I was a bit older, around 16. It was in my bedroom. It was so real, I was convinced that it had really happened. Someone was in my bedroom licking me between the legs. My first thought, unbidden, when I woke up: “Why was Dad in my room?” Then complete horror and shock that I had that thought. I immediately dismissed it and tried to forget the dream.

-- The weird, uncomfortable way he would look at me sometimes and then tell me how pretty I was. I reacted with shame and acute self-consciousness because it felt wrong and dirty.

-- The way I would sometimes catch him spying on me, watching me. Again, feelings of shame and dirtiness.

And let’s just say – as my mom did to explain it away – that there’s no way my dad actually could have or did do these things to me when I was 12 or 16. But why was that in my mind? Where did these dreams come from? Did I take something that had happened at a younger age and transplant into a later dream? My two younger sisters (I am the oldest) never had a sexual dream and then connected it with Dad, nor do they have this feeling/certainty that Dad must have done something to them. Nor do other people (I’ve asked) have dreams like this about a parent. So why did I have these dreams? Where did they come from? There is a REASON, right? Do you think my dad molested me? Even if I can’t remember a specific incident, there is a REASON. I know this. I’ve always known this.

I keep reading that the body doesn't lie. I have always had a feeling of absolute revulsion around my dad -- a very, very deep-seated (and lifelong) but almost indescribable sense of creepy-crawlies that I've had as long as I can remember. There is something innate in me that shrinks inside or goes completely flat when I have to hug him. I can't stand for his eyes to be on me. I find it hard to even look at him -- always have.

Alas, there is more. I just found out, two days ago, that my male cousin (older by a few years) recently admitted to his sister, who told my mom, that he had "done sexual stuff to me" when I was younger. Those are all the details I got (how frustrating!!!). I remember my cousin being very weird and gross in a kinky sort of way, he was very uncomfortable to be around, my stomach would knot up in dread when he would visit, and sometimes he would physically trap me in a room and tell me sexually explicit stories about things he'd done to girls. When I tried to escape, he would drag me back into the room by my ankles. However, I do not remember any physical sexual abuse, though he is now telling people that he did indeed do this to me.

So now I'm REALLY confused. Were those dreams I had actually about my cousin, not my dad? But WHY would I always think "Dad"? Why the revulsion and yucky feelings of dirtiness and shame when my dad would look at me a certain way? Did I get molested by two people -- my dad and my cousin??

I wish so fervently that I could recall the details of the abuse. I have tried for years to recall my dad's sexual abuse of me because I have felt my entire life that he did something to me. It's been driving me nuts. And now it's all cropping up again, and then comes the revelation from the cousin. So confused.

Please, someone tell me -- based on my dreams, feelings, intuitions, etc. -- did my dad molest me? I begged him to tell me the truth in a stupid and vulnerable moment I had a few years ago (I just wanted to KNOW the truth, finally), and my mom has also asked him; he denied it to both of us. He is a very clever and sadistically abusive person, full-fledged Naricissitic Personality Disorder with all kinds of sexual perversions, like making my mom lie in ice water until her body was cold to the touch, and then he would have sex with her in a pseudo-necrophilia fashion. (As told to me by my mom.) I also suspect homosexual molestation, too -- as a man in his 30s, he would often take underage boys out with him in the car, driving around and drinking. He's also completely fascinated and obsessed with serial killers and anything of a depraved or cruel nature.

I could go on and on about him ... but I think I've told you enough that maybe you could give me your opinion and/or share experiences you've had with dreams that you then connected to a parent? And what that might mean?

Thank you so much.

Hi, bluephoenix! It's ok to trust your feelings. The things you father said to you and the way he looked at you are very inappropriate. It's possible for some abusers to only hurt one of their kids too.. You could have some therapy with someone who has experience in helping people who've been sexually abused and figure this stuff out.
I'm sorry your cousin hurt you. If your feelings are about your father, you should talk about them with a therapist and see if you remember anything more with time.

The cutting alone, though something common in abuse victims and survivors, can also be caused by other things. The dreams are worrying. Though it is very possible that they are caused by something else, they alone would point out that there's something suspicious.

But this is a huge red flag, alone or with the other things:

bluephoenix wrote: I have always had a feeling of absolute revulsion around my dad -- a very, very deep-seated (and lifelong) but almost indescribable sense of creepy-crawlies that I've had as long as I can remember. There is something innate in me that shrinks inside or goes completely flat when I have to hug him. I can't stand for his eyes to be on me. I find it hard to even look at him -- always have.

So, even if the dreams are about your cousin and not your dad, that bit I quoted from your post, to me at least, is something worth working on. Are you in therapy?

bluephoenix wrote:maybe you could give me your opinion and/or share experiences you've had with dreams that you then connected to a parent? And what that might mean?

For me it wasn't a parent - it was my step-grandfather. I had dream after dream, none as explicit as yours, but still creepy and worrying, about my step-grandfather abusing me. Several years ago, I found out that the dreams were based on memories I had.

Thanks for your responses. My mom talked to my dad about this again in the last few days, and he of course denied it and managed to place blame on me for even thinking it. I've tried therapy many times over the years, even going as far as hynosis to try and remember -- but I was never able to fully "go under," so nothing came of that.

I guess I'm going to just do what I have always done -- trust that there's a reason for these dreams about my dad and stay away, try to heal without ever having a full memory of the abuse. I feel like I don't even "care" about my cousin; I mean, it's just one more thing to add to the pile. (I was also raped by a 23-year-old coworker at age 16 -- this is how I lost my virginity.)

Even if I never know the truth about my dad, I know that I *know* the truth because, as I've read so many times, the body doesn't lie. But it's so frustrating. Are there others out there who have never had a full recall? How did you move on?

And going forward, my 12-year-old daughter will never be around him again. Even if he didn't touch her, he says very vulgar things ... another gem: "A hard cock has no conscience. It gets what it needs, no matter what. You think a guy loves you? He doesn't. He wants to rut."

So, yeah ... thank you again, everyone. It helped to post this and also to read through other people's stories. I guess we really are survivors, aren't we?

I've never been able to recall everything about my first abuser, but I'm doing okay with healing. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by trying to heal with what memories you have.