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My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Trigger

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My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Trigger

Postby Canadienne » Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:12 pm

I feel pretty weird doing this. I usually just read other people's stories, and it makes me feel better knowing other people are going through some of the same things I am. I don't really know where to start, but I assume it makes sense to start at the beginning. P.S. Sorry for spelling mistakes/wrong words, I'm typing on my iPhone. I'm sorry it's so long...

I feel like I live in a cycle of abuse and rape, and it will never stop. I'm a "rape baby". My mom was scared to marry my father. She didn't want to marry him, but she didn't want to let down the people that were already at the wedding. So she married him. After they were married, he raped her, I assume multiple times. Because of this, I was born. My dad abused and neglected me. He threw me across the room at one point when I was a baby, I hit the couch. He wouldn't buy proper food for me. All he'd buy was coke or pepsi, white rice and chicken. He'd force me to eat my rice with ketchup on it. He refused to buy fruit or veggies, milk or juice. If my mom wanted to go to the store, she had to give my dad oral sex before she could go. When I was 2 years old, my mom decided enough, and decided she was going to move out. She picked a random day to move out, and told no one except her parents and brother. But somehow my dad found out. He grabbed a knife, and she ran into the laundry room. He stabbed her in the throat, and left her on the floor to die. He put the knife in her hand to make it look like suicide. But he put it in the wrong hand. He shut the laundry room door so she couldn't open it to call 911. He went upstairs and wrote a suicide note. Then he changed, put the clothes in a platic bag, and went to work. He forgot to throw away the bag and the police found the bloody clothes when they searched his car. My dad and his dad molested me. I don't remember it, but I think my brain does deep down. When I was around 8, my friends brother would tell me to sit on his lap, and he'd rub my bum. I don't know if anything else happened.

When I was 13 I got my first boyfriend, who was also 13. I had know this boy for about 10 years. We were never friends for most of that time, but I knew of him. 6 months after we started dating, we had sex. He did ask, but I didn't really give permission, though I said yes. We were laying on his bed watching his little brother and best friend play a video game. I was laying on my stomach, and he laying ontop of me. He quietly asked if I wanted to have sex. I said "yea", but I didn't really want to and I didnt think he meant right then and there. His friend and little brother were in the room! But yup he did mean right then and there. He pulled down my pants a little bit and had anal sex with me. This was my first time. Thank god no one noticed what he was, we were, doing. I said yes because I didn't think he'd do it right there, I didn't want it... That relationship lasted for almost 4 years. We had sex a lot, which I regret. And though I wanted to sometimes, I didn't always want to. If I said no, he'd keep asking until I said yes or he'd just pull down my pants and do it anyways. If I said stop he wouldn't. If I said it hurt, he'd say just hold on till he finished. Even if I cried, he wouldn't stop. He would touch me in my sleep, which eventually led to having sex with me while I was sleeping. We went on a Easter break trip with a church to California. We were on a bus, which drove straight through the night. While I was sleeping on the bus he had sex with me. We were on a bus with 60 other sleeping people! From church at that! He cheated on me with two girls, one of them right infront of me. He only wanted to see me to have sex, he'd constantly ditch me. After we'd have sex, sometimes he'd say thank you. After we'd have sex, he wouldn't even acknowledge me. He'd either go to the fridge, play video games, call his friends over or tell me to go home. Yet, I stayed with him through all of this until I finally broke up with him nearly 4 years later. I didn't even think of it being rape until months after we broke up and a friend of mine said it was rape. He never used a condom, and I never got pregnant, I don't know why.

Almost right after we broke up, I got involved with another guy, who was 17. I was 16 at this point. We didn't officially date. He asked me out, but I said no, something just didn't feel right. But everyone thought we were dating, we were always together, and held hands, kissed, etc. He wanted to have sex, and I said yes. This time I wanted to. I felt like sex is just what you do with a guy, if they want it, you give it to them. He was really nice to me though, and each time we had sex I wanted to. We had sex a lot. It made me feel better to constantly have sex with him. I felt in control. The being dirty feelings stopped when I had sex with him. The first time we had sex, I got pregnant. We used a condom, and it broke. But a few weeks after we had sex, I found out I was pregnant. I had planned on keeping her, and so did he. He wanted to be in her life. He was scared, yet excited. Right after I found out I was pregnant, his friends told him that if he wanted to be in their group, he had to let them all have sex with me. They threatened him. He let them do it. I was at his house, we were sitting in the living room and he was playing guitar and singing a Portuguese song. We were both happy, nothing felt wrong. I didn't notice. I asked him for a glass of water because my throat was sore. He said he was going to go to the bathroom first, then he'd get me a drink. Ok, fine, nothing out of the normal there. But he used the upstairs bathroom, instead of the one right next to the kitchen. Odd, but I didn't think anything of it. He came back downstairs and he looked quite pale, I assumed he didn't feel good. He went into the kitchen and got me some water. He had put rohypnol in the cup, but I didn't know this at the time. He was really shaky, I asked if he was ok, but he said he was just feeling a bit sick. Again, I didn't think anything of it. Why would I? Everyone gets sick. I remember holding the glass, but after that, I remember nothing.

Most of what I know is from hearing it over and over again in court. But I will stick to what I remember. I woke up in his basement on a table, on my back. I remember waking up, I was so confused. My eyes wouldn't open all the way, I could barely see. I could hear people talking around me, but they weren't speaking English. My eyes were slowly opening and closing. I was in so much pain, my vagina was burning and my bum felt like it was ripped apart. I couldn't move my body, I had no strength. I tried to say something but I couldn't it just came out as a small, quiet grunt noise. When I did this, someone leaned over my face. He smiled and slapped my face a few times and said "wakie, wakie". I know his name now, but at the time I didn't know who he was. He said something in another language, and almost immediately, a bunch (13) of young men were standing around me. Their age ranged from 17-24. I started to panic, and felt like I couldn't breathe. They were touching me everywhere, and wouldn't stop. They were kissing me and rubbing me everywhere. And then I felt someones fingers go inside my vagina. It felt like I was being ripped apart. He was being too rough, it hurt, and he didn't care. He said "Don't you like this? Isn't this was you want?". The pain was unbearable. I needed to scream, but I couldn't. I wanted it to end, to just die. All of a sudden my head was pulled to the side by my hair. His pants were down and his penis was right in front of my face. He rubbed it on my lips and face. I needed to throw up, I couldn't take it. He hit my head every time I tried to pull away. My head was throbbing. He told me to open my mouth or he'd kill me. He shoved himself into my mouth. He held my head and went in and out of my mouth. Someone on my other side pushed my head down and held it there. I was choking, I couldn't breathe. It hurt so bad. They started switching places and taking turns. They all tasted and felt different, I still remember. I feel like throwing up each time it comes to mind, sometimes I do. Then it happened, someone put their penis inside my vagina. He slammed himself up against me, I screamed and bit down. The tears wouldn't stop, it hurt so bad. I just wanted to die. The guy who I bit down on, slapped my face, head and mouth so many times. My mouth filled up with blood, he grabbed my hair, it felt like he was going to rip it out. He pushed his penis inside my mouth and pulled my head down and held it there. The guy that was penetrating me went harder and faster then I've ever experienced. It was torture and I couldn't handle it. He said "You ever gunna bite down again, whore?". He stopped, and someone else started. He came to my head and grabbed my hair from the other guy. He told me I was going to suck him real good, and lick my vagina off his penis. And that if I didn't suck him good, I'd be sorry. I was slowly gaining control of my body. When I tried to move, someone grabbed my leg and tied it down, then tied my other leg and arms down. I wanted to make them stop so bad, but I couldn't move. I felt completely helpless. I sucked him just like he told me to. He called me a slut and a whore. He told me to make him ejaculate like the little whore I am. The kept taking turns penetrating my vagina. The ones that were waiting their turn were rubbing my breasts and sucking and biting my nipples, and masturbating around me. They put their penises in my hands and rubbed them along my body. When he was about to ejaculate in my mouth, he pulled my head down and held it. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced. I threw up and he laughed. Someone untied me and two guys grabbed me. A guy laid down on the table, they pushed me on top of him, I screamed from the pain. I've never felt so much pain in my vagina, as I did that day. Someone put their penis into my bum and had anal with me. I screamed, and I was ready to die, I needed to cry, but I couldn't anymore. It felt like I was out of tears. They took turns ejaculating in me, they told me how disgusting I was and that I was a waste of life. I was screaming for the guy I was involved with, they hit me every time I screamed. He didn't come though, he knew what they were doing (I found this out later). He was sitting upstairs the whole time they raped me. He didn't do anything. He told me he loved me, but he didn't do anything. He could have easily called the police, but he didn't. There was a guy standing against the wall, and I didn't notice him until they had all finished. He had been there the whole time though, because I didn't recognize him. He looked at me sympathetically. They untied me, picked me up and pushed me onto the ground, laughed and told me I was a slut. The guy that was standing at the wall came to me, I was scared to death when he did. I wanted it to be over, not happen again. He held out his hand, gesturing to help me up, but I couldn't touch him, I was scared. I backed into the corner, he left the room, and he came back with a blanket. He dropped it over me and said sorry. I stayed there for hours, I couldn't move, I felt frozen and numb. He sat with me the whole time, quite distant from me. Eventually he left. I didn't know that the guy I was involved with was the reason this had happened. I got dressed and went upstairs, hoping to god they weren't up there. The guy I was involved with was, he cried as soon as he saw me.

I stayed there all night, I don't know why, it was stupid. I should have left. One of the guys came back the next day. I woke up to him on top of me holding my arms down. I tried to kick, but I couldn't reach him. He raped me again. When he was about to ejaculate, he told me to get ready for it. He grabbed my hair and pulled it so I was forced to watch his penis go in and out of my vagina. He told me to tell him how much I liked it. He tied my wrists and ankles to the edges of the bed and left me there. I couldn't believe it happened again, was it ever going to end? He came back into the room with the guy I was involved with. He told him to rape me because I deserved it. Because I needed to be taught a lesson. And he did it. Not hard like the other had done, but he still did it. He was supposed to love me, but he let it happen, then did it himself. I was carrying his baby, our baby.

After that, I don't know what happened, I woke up in the hospital, and the guy that was nice to be was there. He was sleeping in the chair beside the bed. I started crying out of fear when I saw him there. I didn't want it again, not again. He woke up and told me he wasn't going to hurt me. But why should I have believed him? Everyone else had lied about that. He told me he didn't know what was planned until he got there, and he would have called the cops but he was to scared for his life to. I was in the hospital for a week, I needed stitches in my vagina and butt. Every time the nurses would come in, I'd start crying, I was scared. I wouldn't let them do a rape kit. They couldn't touch me, I didn't want anyone to touch me. I refused IV's, I didn't know what was in them, what if they were going to drug me, and it would happen again? I'm was a minor, so they gave me IV's anyways, but they had to restrain me to do it. I needed to get out of their, I was panicking, and scared, and needed to get out. The nice guy kept coming back everyday. When I was released from the hospital, I hoped I'd never have to see him again. He wouldn't know where I lived, or would he? After all the guy I was involved with could tell them all where I lived. But he was supposed to be nice, he said he was sorry and wouldn't hurt me.

I saw him a grocery store, and he came up to me. He told me again how sorry he was that his friends did that, and that the guy I was involved with allowed them to do it. I started seeing him more and more on planned occasions. I don't know why really, I just did. He could relate to me I thought. He knew what had happened. So for some reason I believed that he'd never hurt me, and that he was truly sorry.

We started dating eventually, and I thought it was perfect. He was always there for me, and I was glad I didn't have to explain to him what had happened, he already knew first hand. I had nightmares every night. He always sat up with me and held me. He failed university classes (he was 2 years older then me), because he was always sitting up with me at night. He knew how to make me feel better, and it was just what I needed. Then it happened again, some of the guys that had raped me came to my house when no one was home. I didn't even think of how they knew that no one was home. They came three times that month, twice the next month, once the next month, and once the next month. How stupid was I?!? How could I believe that he loved me and wanted to be with me? Why would anyone want to be with me, after all I'm a disgusting slut, right? Why would he want to be with a girl that was pregnant with another guys baby? How else would they have known when no one was home, without him telling them? I was so stupid!

When I was 22 weeks pregnant, I went into labor and miscarried, after being raped. They had done so much damage to my vagina. I lost my daughter because of what they did. The scar tissue is terrible, and I may never be able to carry a child full term because of it. After the last time they raped me, I found out I was pregnant again. At 9 weeks, I miscarried. I started dating my best friend, and he was always there for me, and really nice to me. He never hurt me on purpose. It took me forever to trust him, but I finally did. I finally felt comfortable around him. We had sex, and I cried the first time we did it, he'd stop when I was upset. Slowly, it got better. Almost a year ago, I found out I was pregnant with him. I was on birth control, but it failed. The baby was implanted in my Fallopian tube because there was to much scar tissue to find it's way to the uterus. I had to have it removed. It was one of the hardest things I've had to to. Other then being in the wrong place, it was completely healthy and strong. I loved my boyfriend, and it was our baby, even though he didn't want it. Half a year ago, he broke up with me. He said he didn't want to have to deal with my past anymore, that it was to hard on him. He was the only person I trusted after being raped, the only person I felt comfortable around and the first person I had sex with after it all ended. He told me to trust him, that he'd never hurt me and that he'd never leave me because I was raped. He said that I was already hurt so much, that he couldn't hurt me anymore. He said he didn't care about my past, because he loved me. But he left. And now I'm alone, and I have no one. We're still friends, but it's not the same. I can't talk to him about anything, he's not there for me, and I have to deal with everything alone. I have to deal with my past, losing the only person I trusted and losing a baby because of my past. My due date was exactly a month ago. He's completely over it, and I can't get over it. I feel so alone... None of my friends understand how hard it is to get over losing someone like him, and how to be sane with my past. I haven't gone out in weeks because I just don't feel like it. I have nightmares every night. I stay up for hours because I'm scared to sleep. I sleep with my light on, because I'm scared of the dark. I'm on 3 medications to get me through the day. I'm constantly nervous, and I have no one there for me. Some of them are getting out of jail in 4 months, and I'm scared to death even though I'm moving. I'm only 18... This is too much... :(
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)

Postby CrackedGirl » Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:06 pm

I put a trigger warning in your title hon, I hope that is OK. I am so sorry to hear of all you have been through. That is way too much, you are right. You say you are on meds, so I assume you are seeing a Dr but are you seeing a therapist? If not please consider it as you need help working this out. Being a "rape baby" does not change the fact that you are a human being and should be treated with respect. As for what else you have been through, you have been really brave to be so honest, but you need therapy to work through this. Please keep posting, we are listening.

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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby Canadienne » Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:45 am

I don't understand how people deal with their rapists or violators just walking around... In just 3 and a half months, two of then men who raped me will be getting out of jail. I'm already scared, and they haven't even got out yet. As soon as they get out I'll be so scared....every day. I know that they'd do it again if given the chance, they'd want revenge for putting them in jail. One of the men, the "leader" I suppose you could say, said if I call the cops I will never forget it... Restraining orders don't do anything. I'm moving in a month, but they could still find me if they asked around a bit. I can't take it another time....
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby CrackedGirl » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:36 am

Just a thought, could you take some women only self defence classes to give you some confidence that if they come near you again they will be sorry. I am not advocating anything illegal or that would get you into trouble but some self defence classes might really help you.

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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby carpediem46 » Tue Jun 21, 2011 12:16 pm

You deserve all the love and respect in the world from people around you after what you've been through. Do you have anyone you can talk to? A friend, family member or therapist?
I know it must be beyond difficult for you to have hope at the moment, and it's hard when you feel like nobody understands but there are people that can help you deal with this and prevent it from ever happening to you again. Please keep posting, people on here are listening and are here for you if you need anything. You are so much stronger than you think.
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby salted lipstick » Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:38 pm

I am so so sorry for all that you have been through... I have no other words to describe how devastated I feel after reading your story...
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby Canadienne » Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:54 am

Sometimes (like right now) I feel like I belong to the men who raped me. I feel like I should just let them do whatever they want to me when they're released from jail, because I'm theirs. 3 of the men were far worse then the others. They always said things like, "You're mine now", "You're always gunna be mine", "No one else will ever want you now, you're disgusting", "It's your job to please me", "My girl", "It'll never end, you're always gunna be mine", "This is what you're good for", "I'll always come back". 2 were purposely trying to get me pregnant. They said then they'd always be in my life, and if I had a son, he'd teach him to be just like 'daddy' and if I had a daughter, she'd be just like mommy... I don't know about other places, but in Canada, rapists can get rights to their children under supervised visits with a mediator/social worker. If I say yes and just let them have me, maybe they wouldn't hurt me as much...
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:45 am

You do not belong to these ppl (if you can call them that). No one belongs to anyone else. You are none of those things they said about you. What do you think about the self defence classes?

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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby Canadienne » Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:59 pm

I don't know if it would help... I'm small, and for the most part, they're a lot bigger then me. But I think it'd be nice to get out of the house sometimes... and be in a place I can feel safe. I took tae kwon do for 9 years, but it didn't do anything for me. I forgot it all when I needed it, I was beat up and stabbed by a group of girls, and I forgot everything I learned, so I quit going after that.
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Re: My Life Story (Molestation, Murder, Rape & Gang Rape)Tri

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:03 pm

Why dont you give it a go. It will give you a chance to get out, maybe make some friends and hopefully give you some useful skills.

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