Sexual abuse and sexual sadism toward men *May Trigger*

I was sexually abused by my older brother throughout adolescence, and maybe earlier, although I can't really remember whether I was before adolescence. Anyway, there was no penetration, but there was sexual touching and fondling, and I would tell him to stop repeatedly and he never would. Even when I would tell him to stop firmly with a very serious 'what's-wrong-with-you?' look in my eye, he would just continue as if my words meant nothing. I thought he was just being annoying in the beginning, but it just escalated to the point where every encounter we had ended with him touching me or fondling me, even if I was just getting out of the front passenger seat of his car after going out with him or something. And he just became more and more aggressive and persistent. He always had this creepy look on his face when I turned around to look at him too, like that creepy, perverted/predator look.

It's not like I'm preoccupied with sadistic thoughts or sadistic-like thoughts toward men I date or just men on the street or wherever, but I do have them often enough under these conditions and I've had them for a while now and I enact them to some extent in relationships or casual encounters with men. I'm not quite sure how long I've had them; I think these fantasies and thoughts developed during adolescence, but I'm not quite sure. Anyway, they aren't like murderously violent, but they do entail beating, spitting, verbal abuse, humiliation, and other lighter forms of sadism (that's such a heavy word, 'sadism', but whatever..). I never thought of them or my actions toward men as a result of them as 'revenge' or anything like that before - I just thought of them as a quirk of mine that not many people knew about except for intimate partners or men I would have one-night stands with. But lately I'm starting to think that these thoughts and fantasies are not just benign idiosyncrasies, but maybe express a deeper, subconscious (well, not anymore..) need for revenge....revenge for what my brother did to me for 3/4 of my adolescence?

The reason I'm making an issue of this now is because I think my sadistic inclinations toward men are getting in the way of my relationships with men. The men I date (as do the men I have casual encounters with) enjoy and are attracted to my dominate, semi-sadistic side I think, but at the same time they've (in particular, the ones I date) expressed concern or discontentment in the past with my...well, not really caring about them? I mean, they are my partner, I care about them, but I guess I don't REALLY care about them? If that makes sense?

I don't know...can anyone relate to this?

And more generally: do you think there is a link between sexual abuse and sadistic/sadistic-like thoughts, fantasies, and behaviour with a 'revenge' theme, especially toward people who resemble your perpetrator (in terms of sex, for example)?

I am so sorry this happened to you. Being abused can def mess with our boundaries and sex including fantasies. It sounds like you might be right about why you have these fantasies although that is something you should probably discuss with a therapist. Have you ever had any therapy about what happened, as if not I think it would be really good for you to work through the abuse and the legacy it has left you with.

Cracked

Wow, this sounds familiar. I'm a male, emotionally but not (as far as I know) sexually abused as a child. And I seem to attract women who have been abused as well. I think I seem safe to them once they get past my aloof exterior (maybe they can tell that it's basically just fear of getting hurt - I have big abandonment issues). I'm very sensitive, thoughtful, interested and devoted but not clingy.

Unfortunately, it always seems like they wind up acting out what was done to them on me. My last girlfriend, who I thought would be the love of my life and was molested by her stepbrother, started talking - tauntingly - about how she wanted to dress me up as a girl. I can't think why this would be a turn-on for the woman except as a way to humiliate and emasculate the man. I was forbidden to initiate anything sexual; I accepted this because of her explanation that it reminded her of being molested. So sex was pretty much on command and infrequent. She moved 800 miles away and we were trying to maintain a long-distance relationship until I could follow. Despite being on birth control that she said limited her periods to 2-3 times a year, when I visited every month she would claim after sex the first night that she was getting her period (which made sex a no-go for her, not for me).

I think she was frustrated that she couldn't be on top - I've never functioned well that way, it's the one thing that makes me wonder if I have some suppressed sexual abuse of my own. When I'm in a passive position I just wilt.

This played out outside the bedroom as well. She would act like a manipulative little girl when she wanted something but turn into a condescending, snotty ice-queen when she didn't get exactly what she wanted right away. Looking back I feel as if I were subjected to an unwanted session with a dominatrix.

So after several months of feeling more and more torn down, mocked, sneered at and condescended to while I ran myself into the ground to give her the attention she wanted (5-6 phone calls a day), as well as being unable to make enough to move, what with the recession, she said she couldn't deal with my monthly breakdowns (screaming in my sleep, anxiety attacks - none of which I've had since our breakup). She showed almost no concern for my mental and emotional health at all. And after a few Facebook messages over the next few months, it seemed clear she now regarded me guiltily as an annoyance when I tried to maintain our friendship after breaking up.

So my POINT (other than venting, sorry) is twofold: First I'm glad your partners have enjoyed your dominant side and I'd ask you to make sure they do in the future; in my case, though, I feel like I was practically sexually abused under false pretenses and without my consent. Secondly, yeah, I feel as though I was treated as a toy or a pet - or submissive slave - who was tossed aside when she didn't feel she could take the dominance further, or when she felt she'd totally destroyed my masculinity.

I think you do need to figure out if you care about these guys (more so than just friends or people in general) or if what you really care about is what you're getting from them. Because to feel one is just a means to an end for someone else is pretty awful - although maybe a true submissive doesn't feel that way. BUT I think it's awesome that you're at least asking the question.

I have researched a lot about sexual sadism in women. It is a difficult topic to research.

It seems that women are sexually abused quite regularly and even women who are not, get exposure to women's abuse via our education system. This abuse manifests in sexual sadism in women. It is common enough that today most people think of fetish sexual kink as synonym to sadism.

This link is very easy to see, but hard to research due to most of the supporting evidence being covered up by:

BDSM groups fighting very hard to justify their lifestyle.
(so if you try and understand sadism by seeking out other sadists you will be confused)

Feminism groups fighting hard to defend the position that women can't be sadistic.
(so if you try and understand sadism in women by seeking out women's studies groups, you will be marginalized and your interest will be deprioritized)

Establishment forces which promote 'alternative' lifestyles.
(blind promotion of all things kink. IE Kink is 'good' now stop thinking about it)