I used my brother's sleeping hand to touch myself. help.

There is something that I did when I was younger that I feel so ashamed about. I've never told anyone about it and am not sure how to deal with it.

I am a girl. When I was 11 or 12, I used to sleep in my mom's bed when my dad was away (which was often because he worked in another city and only came home on weekends). My little brother who was 6 years younger than me would also sleep in the same bed with me and my mom. I remember I was discovering my body, discovering masturbation. One night, I wanted to masturbate and wanted to know what it was like to have someone else masturbate me. My little brother was sleeping. So I took his sleeping hand, and touched myself with it... I did this two nights in a row. As far as I could tell, he didn't wake.

I have such horrible feelings of guilt and I don't know what to do. I knew it was wrong at the time, so why did I do that?? We get along very well - I am closer to him than any other member of my family.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I was possibly abused by another child when I was younger (there is a memory on the edge of my consciousness that I am unable to grasp). How do I know if that is the case? How do I know I'm not jsut 'creating' an idea of being abused to sort of explain that I abused my brother?

I had a pretty dysfunctional, yet loving, family. When I was 8 or 9 I found a porn novel in my parent's library (my dad's books, he had many). I remember reading it and it was pretty shocking, the story of a teenage girl getting abused by her stepfather and going down into drugs and promiscuous sex. Anyway, I dont even know if this is besides the point. When I was 15 -16, there were times where I would masturbate 6 to 7 times a day. I went through a depression at the age of 16 because I was dealing with issues concerning my sexual identity (accepting my bisexuality). I would often put myself in situations where I felt like I was being 'used' for sex (though there was no penetration at the time).

Later on, when I was 18 and then again when I was 21, I was sexually abused by a friend. He touched me while I was sleeping, and though I would wake up and tell him to stop, or turn over to clearly show that I didnt like it and wanted him to stop, he would then try again. THe first time it happened, I didn't recognize the abuse. The second time, I did and cut all connection with him.

There were a few other instances of "not quite abuse" that I went through when I was yougner. When I was 18, my uncle (who was staying at our house one summer), somehow figured out waht time I would get up to go to school, and would stand naked in front of his door when I came out of my room. He put his hand on my thigh when he brought me to school once.
Another incident: when I was about 7, I went to dance class. That day, there was noone there except my dance teacher. He told me to sit on his lap and tell me about my life. I felt very uncomfortable. He was holding me on his lap, tucking my hair behind my ears while I talked. I left as soon as I could.

Today, at the age of 26, I have a healthy sexuality. Not excessive, not too little (about a few times a week or sometimes only once every two weeks). I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and feel fine in terms of my sexuality and him.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible. I am a strong defendant of sex abuse victims and have a very emotional response to anything relating towards sexual abuse. Yet here I am, and I know that I abused my little brother, the person I love the most in my family. How is it possible that I could have done that? Why? Is there some other abuse that I pushed to the back of my mind? Could that just be an excuse? Should I forgive myself?

Any insight you coudl give me would be greatly appreciated...

I don't think you should worry too much about what you did to your brother. You were 11/12, and he was asleep. You were just a young curious girl and it only happened twice. You seem to live a healthy life, and he was unaffected by it. So I see no reason to worry.

However, if you are unable to shake these feelings of guilt, then I suggest you see a counsellor - especially if you feel you may have been abused yourself.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I guess you're right and that it's not that bad considering he doesnt seem to have been damaged by it. but at the same time, it's so hard to get rid of the guilt, and the doubt that who knows, maybe it's just that he doesnt remember and in a few years he will (??). I think you are right and I should maybe see a therapist about it... though I'm not sure I could say it out loud - I feel so ashamed. it's something to work on that's for sure. Anyway, thank you very much, just having a place to put words on it makes a big difference - it is something I have been thinking about for a long time, and have never written down, let alone spoken about so thank you for your support and your words.

*edited by admin*

Nickeleye wrote:Why not talk to him about it and apologise. Chances are he'll have a laugh and say he can't remember anything.

I very respectfully disagree with this suggestion. If anything, I'd keep it strictly between yourself and any potential therapist you speak with until you've had your opportunity to explore this the way that you need to explore this. If you're at the stage of asking about it anonymously on an Internet message board, it's probably not the best time to have a heart-to-heart with your brother about the two incidents.

*edited by admin*

*edited by admin*

Nickeleye, you've been put on the mod preview for the abuse forums, every post you make will have to be approved by a moderator first.

EDIT: You can make your own thread and talk about what you went through, if you like. I don't mean to hurt you, but the posters here can be easily triggered and it's my job to look after this forum.