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Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby nicholas.anderson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:51 am

I'm afraid to say what happened because I feel like I might get judged and criticized by other users on this forum and i also think I might gross you out or repulse you. But here i go.....

I never had a father figure my entire life, my dad got my mom pregnant, the first time she had an abortion, the second time she sadly had a miscarriage and the third time she gave birth to me, but my dad left so I never met him. My moms brother was always there for me. His name was Joseph and he was the kindest man that I have ever met. It started when I was eight or nine years old, I remember I was at a department with him and he was buying underwear so be took he into a dressing room to see if they fit and he asked me if I'd I would like to try a pair of my size on too, so i did. I turned around when I took off my underwear because I was embarrassed but he told me to turn around and I did with the underwear on and he groped it (my penis through the underwear) he said he did it to see if it "fits" then he told me to see if his fit and I did the same thing he did to me. Nothing else happened till I was 11. Me and my uncle were sharing a bed together and he was just wearing underwear and I was fully clothed and i asked him if he wanted to wrestle and he said if that I would have to strip to my underwear. We started to wrestle and immediately I could feel his penis pressing against my behind and he started to tickle me and he started slowly massaging my privates and I left the room. When we were gonna get ready to sleep he asked me "since it's just me and you tonight, do you just want to sleep naked. If I sleep naked, you sleep naked. Period" so we were in bed naked...our bodies were very close to each other and he began to ask me a series of sexual questions, he asked me a question I never thought i would hear...."do you want to watch porn?" I never knew what it was so I said okay and we went to his computer and then he told me "do exactly to me of what the girl is doing to the other guy".  I got on me knees and...you know, I stopped because i was getting grossed out and he told me to keep on going, I didn't know nothing about sex, so I didn't know what was going to happen when he climaxes. So he basically ejaculated in my mouth while I was giving oral sex, but then he performed oral sex on me till completion. I saw my uncle a couple of times later but we did not do anything sexual. The last time I saw my uncle before he passed away. I was 14 and he showed me as condom he had, pulled down his pants/underwear, applied the condom, pulled down MY pants and then he told me "I'm going to show you how much i love you". He penetrated me but it was not very painful because he was small in that department. My uncle died nine months later from a brain hemorrhage and I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night for about two weeks. I thought of our sexual experiences when I masturbated. When I turned 15, I did alot of bad things, I had a total of 6 male partners up till i turned 18, when i was 17, I started having sex with men way out of my age, sometimes protected sex, sometimes unprotected sex. Do you think it is normal for this kind of behavior to happen after my uncle died? And is it normal for the molestation to lead to homosexuality?
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby jasmin » Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:01 pm

Nicholas, what your uncle did is abuse and it's awful, he had absolutely no right. I'm sorry you went through that. You were a child and it's not your fault, it's his.
Many people who have been abused act out sexually. Sexual abuse probably doesn't lead to healthy sexual relationships between gay partners, but what happened to you probably did influence your sexuality. Please try to find some therapy, from someone who has experience with helping people who have been sexually abused. There might be special centers in your area.
How is your life now?
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby green_tea » Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:56 pm

I don't think you ought to feel responsible.
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby nicholas.anderson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:02 pm

But the thing is, gosh i feel like such a freak saying this but he made me feel so good when he did all sorts of things to me and I dont regret it
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby jasmin » Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:16 pm

Your body reacts when it's stimulated. It was wrong. He probably made you develop and emotional bond with him and maybe he half convinced himself that it was "ok" to do those things because he made you feel like you hand a bond, but it doesn't take away the fact that it was wrong and how he robbed you of a normal childhood and adolescence. You are not a freak, many people feel like this.
If you were neglected and he's one of the few people who showed you attention and affection, it's hard to accept that this person also abused you and to see it for what it was.
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby nicholas.anderson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:40 pm

If he were still alive, I think we would be having sex still. The nights we had laying naked together in bed I treasured. One time he told me "you should have a friend from school come over to spend the night so we can sleep together" but it never happened. I wanted to, but I just didn't feel right about it
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby jasmin » Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:43 pm

Why do you think that you didn't feel right about it?
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby nicholas.anderson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 5:58 pm

He probably would have raped the boy, even though be never ever raped me. He would have also probably made me and the boy do things to him
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby jasmin » Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:54 pm

He never raped you? Do you think you were able to consent? You were a kid. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad.
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Re: Enjoying my uncle touching my inappropriately?

Postby nicholas.anderson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:17 pm

It's totally fine, I let him do the things to me because I liked it
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