Our partner




Partner of Covert Emotional Incest Victim...from sibling

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

Moderators: narcbolan, salted lipstick, CrackedGirl, Restored

Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.

Partner of Covert Emotional Incest Victim...from sibling

Postby Navarre798 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:46 pm

Hi, I am the girlfriend of a person who was in a family where this went on. My boyfriend was not the victim, per se, of this.

His parents' troubled marriage led to many dysfunctional things to happen. Dad managed to get everyone to consider mom obsolete and inadequate (she is not) and replace the role of Mom with older sister. This happened after the mom's father passed and instead of the dad supporting his wife he became annoyed with her grief. This is when I believe a shift occurred. I had a lengthy talk with the mom about this and she told me that the father and daughter behaved like husband and wife without the sex. THey would make family decisions and tell her. After the divorce the older sister became surrogate mother. When I asked how did this happen, the mom told me she was emotionally abused and beaten down that she did not realize it until it was too late. This girl is very beautiful and I think the dad became so enamored with daddy's little girl and it just got out of hand. He even allowed the daughter to take reins on his end of the divorce and custody proceedings because "she knows best" (She was fifteen and I can tell you she is not very smart either).Do I think they were in love with each other? No idea. The Mom will only say it was unhealthy so it cant be ruled out. I think there were a lot of suppressed feelings going on. I can't say, truly. I am only conveying what was told to me and my experiences with her.

That being said, the Dad is very Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. The kids think he hung the moon but I know and see through him and so does the mother. I think to some extent that my boyfriend suffered some, not massive, emotional abuse from his dad. He was a negligent emotionally distant father that managed to always keep his children wanting more. I feel bad because I would get upset with him over things that were clearly this dysfunction rearing its ugly head.

That being said from what I see in retrospect and from mother's, for lack of better term, testimony, that this sister has emotional boundary issues. As teens she would have my boyfriend take pictures of her in slutty clothes. However, my boyfriend said he thought it was disturbing. Then one day in the past they were sitting next to each other on a couch and he brushed her arm and said "did you put lotion on?" and she answered, "yes this is how a real woman feels." My instincts cringed and I wondered if maybe my boyfriend had some weird suppressed incestuous feelings for his sister but now I believe it was the other way around. My opposite sex sibling is gay so I have no frame of reference on any of this. Is that normal opposite sex sibling behavior? I think she attempts to have these emotional affairs with him and since he isnt receptive of it she keeps trying harder and harder. Meanwhile I keep thinking "hello!! Im right here!!". I am almost positive there were other things that happened that I don't know about that she did to him.

When i first started dating him she behaved like a jealous ex girlfriend and I found it very odd. Then as time progressed and we moved in together she started "jokingly" telling me what to do with him. Sure it was cute at first but all the little things add up. Now they text and talk all the time. I was talking to the mother and she said thats how it started with her marriage. She is behaving as if she is IN the relationship and she isnt. My boyfriend is oblivious to it. Not because he likes it, but because he really is socially inept. Think Sheldon off of Big Bang Theory. But not as extreme

He is an impressionable person and as a result she has trained him to believe that her opinion is law and that "She knows best." When we go shopping for clothes for him he said that his sister always did his clothes shopping and told him what looked good on him. She never let him make his own choices for dining, clothing or otherwise. I encourage him to think for himself and to look in the mirror and see if he likes it. I am trying to break him out of this sister-controlled mentality he has because he has such great potential. When he tells her stories of how I take him shopping she says that she would have picked out something better. It angers and hurts me when she behaves this way.

My boyfriend's side of this...

He is very smart but in a family trance. I think once he sees it for what it is he will understand. He knows I don't really like her.
But I don't like that she's starting to do what she did to her parents' marriage. I hate to say it but I will leave if it gets bad enough. Which hurts me because I hate to have him learn this the hard way rather than learn it by reading and counseling.

She wants to have a good relationship with me but not as sister in law but daughter in law. I am actually older. Not by much but still older. I resent this condescending attitude she takes toward me.

My relationship with his mother is very close, strong and healthy. I think in a way she thinks of me as the daughter she never had. Is that bad? When we hang up she always tells me she wants to have a good day and loves me. What a great mother my boyfriend has but he has been duped by his dominating sister and his father.

The mother thinks I am a great match for my boyfriend because she sees that I try to encourage him to be his own person, to succeed, to essentially free him from the grasp of the sister. The sister, I believe his threatened by me because I am trying to free him.

I think this is a victim of emotional incest (sister) attempting to continue the cycle but with brother and I am just not having it.

I guess my question is, now that I know all of this what do I do with it? I desperately want my boyfriend to have help about this because I think a lot of his problems are the result of this dysfunctional upbringing. A lot of our relationship problems trace back to this. I believe there is hope.

Yes, I know he needs therapy. We don't have money for therapy so please bear that in mind. I think this is a delicate issue and I can't just say "Read this book" because of the family trance he will not think his sister is doing this to him and reject it immediately. Other than that, is there anything I can do?
Navarre798
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:28 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:14 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Partner of Covert Emotional Incest Victim...from sibling

Postby CrackedGirl » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:37 am

Hi,

Sounds like you have thought a lot about this. Wrt question, firstly I would ask what does your boyfriend want?

Cracked
It's a pretty big world God
And I am awful small
Everyday they rain down on me
Flower in a hailstorm


We don't delete posts on demand

The Rules

Liberal Backslider

Obey The Moderator

Image
User avatar
CrackedGirl
Site Admin
 
Posts: 42801
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:51 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:14 pm
Blog: View Blog (177)


Return to Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 84 guests