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How do i get over being molested.

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How do i get over being molested.

Postby thepain » Fri Apr 22, 2005 7:51 am

Little background on me. Im a 24yr old male who is suffering from severe depression and a social phobia. I was abused by my uncle when i was younger(not exactly sure what age, i think i was in first or second grade when it started.)

Anyway my question is how do i get over this. I feel like i will never be a complete person till i address this problem, but i dont know how and i am scared to get help.

Any time in look for help on sexual abuse on the internet all i find is help for women who were abused( I understand this is probably more common.) I feel like such a freak for having been molested by my uncle. Its like im the only person who is dealing with this.

So is it possible to get help for this or should i just get over it and move on with my life?

Thanks for any suggestions or words of advice.
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Fri Apr 22, 2005 1:45 pm

the_pain,

You are not a freak, many men were abused as children by someone they love etc. You are not alone on this, I think the reason why you do not see men posting as much on this topic is perhaps because they feel that it isn't such a big issue, or that they are able to deal with this on their own, or is embarrased etc.

But it's not your fault this occured, nor any other men who were abused or molested as children.

People think that they are able to handle these kinds of feelings on their own. But in reality it's almost nearly impossible to do when you do not understand what you are feeling, or why certain things are happening.

Do be scared to get help. I dealt with PTSD not from childhood abuse but sexual assault, rape and other traumas like domestic abuse etc.

Therapy for me was the best thing I could have done, I never wanted to talk about it. I wanted to bury it, but it was taking over my live and I wanted to live again without the fear, shame or guilt. You can do this, you can heal, it takes time, and you have to trust the person and feeling comfortable with the person that could be helping you.

Hang in there.
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Postby Kintaro » Tue May 03, 2005 12:42 pm

I like you was molestered at around the same age by a family member.

I once had your problem. I had it for so long and had seen so many therapists that I could no longer face the problem. I looked away from it, but still things would flash it back to me. Small things would emotionally weaken me at the worst of times. No matter how many shrinks I saw, I could never properly address the problem.

I remember when I was like that and I have pride now that I have changed. I used to never be able to face the problem, bringing it up could render me into tears. I would just avoid the subject and place it out of my mind. When the people who did know about what happened like my mother and father would ask about how I cope with it, I would pretend I am fine. I would lie to myself that it was in the past and that I could deal with it.

At one point in my life I was nearly over the edge, I wanted to kill myself. I could not handle social situations very well, when things went wrong I would break down easily. I was very sensitive to things, and very angry as well.

One night I was fueled with my negative thought patterns and depression, and I started writing a suicide note. I decided to cross a boundry which before I had never walked on. I decided to write about my sexual abuse. After writing breifly about the sexual abuse I was suddenly calm, I had faced the problem. Sure, I cried, I wept, I weakened at the heart. However that brought me to terms with myself, helped me understand myself. I scrapped the rest of the silly note and my depression and saved it. I kept it on my computer for some time.

Writing about it made me more curious to face the problem. I started to become more curious about the issue and the problems it causes. I started looking into the various available online resources I had.

However it causes some problems which manifest in the most peculiar forms, it manifested into so much of my behavior in ways I had never realised before. When I started to face the issue, when I wrote about it, when I desensitised myself to the subject I could think clearly about it. This clear thought allowed me to change myself forever. I believe this power is in anyone.

So if you wish, try to face the subject, think about it, and write about it. It never will hurt you again - its in the past. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. In a world with so much suffering, hatred, and sorrow there is only room for improvment. The best start is with self improvment. Rememeber that there is always beauty and there is always help there for you.

I wish I had the courage like you have, already, to go out and face my problem and ask for help, rather then leaving things so late. You have made a great leap for yourself, and a small step for the issue, things will only get better for you I am sure.

The following is a great resource on the issue for male survivours like yourself...
http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/

My story which I wrote and edited a few times can be found online here:
http://kintaro.noobify.com/drupal/?q=node/20

This is a quote from a recent email I receieved...
Life is beautiful, there may be rainy days, but rainy or storm it has its beauty. Life sometime have so many disappointments,hey, but that what make us stronger and stronger, count our blessing and it is more good than bad one, what ever happen to us, put it behind and forgive the one that hurt us so much
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace" - Jimi Hendrix.
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been there

Postby PM » Sat May 28, 2005 4:34 pm

The pain,

let me tell you guy, I'm a 39 year old male that spent the better part of my childhood being molested by my brother and other men. I understand, it's scary being in this world and being a man that has been molested by another male. It really is not easy. I was in & out of therapy for years before I felt I was able to finally confront it. It is not an easy path to walk, but I truly believe for your own sanity, you must at some point, deal with this. I've been married 15 years to a wonderful woman and have a wonderful 13 year old son. I have a great career as a psychiatric nurse & I'm telling you from personal experience that this can drag you down and ruin your life if you let it. You need to take hold of it and fight it. Deal with it. I was into drugs and boozing huge and sleeping with anybody, males and females that would sleep with me. Luckily when my wife found out that I had been molested by my brother she was super supportive. You have to find a therapist you can trust that has experience in child molestation cases. When you're looking for a therapist interview them. Remember, just because you visit once or twice does not mean you're married to them for the duration. If it's not working find somebody else, but remember, the walk down that road you're looking to take is painful. It's not easy and you can't do it alone. The hardest part of this to break is the silence. I hid in the shadows for years thinking everybody would hate me and everybody would blame me and there has been some not so good reactions, but for the most part you will be surprised how supportive most people are. Also, when you're looking for a therapist go to somebody you're going to feel comfortable with. For years I sought out female therapists because I felt they would be more compassionate, but when my last therapist was leaving I was transferred to a male, and while it was uncomfortable I thought I would at least give him a chance. That man has done more for me than any therapist in my whole life. It was incredible. I feel so much more a whole person now. Here's a book and a website I want you to look at. The most important thing here for you to know right now is that you're not alone and most people will not blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. The website is http://www.menweb.org/sexabupg.htm and the book is "Victims No Longer; Men Recovering From Incest & Other Child Sexual Abuse" The author is Mike Lew and Ellen Bass. It is a fabulous book. You can buy it off Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble or any local book store should be able to order it for you. I just want you to know that you can overcome this and you are not alone. Please feel free to write me anytime if you feel I can be of help in anyway. I know you're pain.

A brief story

A man was walking along and fell into a deep hole and couldn't get out. A doctor came along and the man said doc you have to help me get out of this hole. The doctor threw him down a prescription and walked on.

Then a priest came along and the man yelled up, Father I can't get out of this hole. You have to help me and the priest said a prayer and moved on.

Finally his friend came along and the man yelled up, "Paul, I fell into this hole and I can't get out." His friend promptly jumped down into the hole with him and the man said, "Paul what are you doing now we're both down here." And his freind Paul said, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

I'm Paul. pmcolton@hotmail.com
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good resource

Postby trucker » Wed Jun 01, 2005 6:15 am

hi there,
I Feel for you . I am just beginning to deal with these same issues. a good resource is www.malesurvivor.org . Just reading through the material and discussion boards there has helped me.

Hang in there and realize you are not alone
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Postby Guest » Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:10 pm

The Pain,

Hi, I hope you get to return here and view the replies. I would like to tell you that you're not alone, as i'm a 30 year-old male who was molested by a male neighbor, whom I thought was a friend, when I was around 8 or 9 years old. At another point in my life at about 12 years old I was coerced into sexual intercourse with a 15 year old male, which I don't fully recognize as a true molestation, as I was sort of curious, though I was not old enough to know better, and would not have chosen this act if I knew what I know now.

The reason I don't even remember exactly how old I was or when in life these two acts occured is because I have repressed them nearly all of my life. I never told anyone, or confided in anyone about these incidents and (as someone stated above) I felt that I could deal with this on my own.

All my life (and I have had many bad experiences in my life, such as being bullied constantly all my life, molested, divorced parents, no father in my life, poor and on welfare, a large list) I have had to deal with enormous adversity in social situations. This has effected my school, my work, my relationships, the whole nine yards.

The reason I repressed these memories, and why you feel that you are the only one (having not seen confessions from males on the subject) is several reasons, one being (as I mentioned) that I felt I could handle it on my own, and the fear of embarrasment that I felt, both in telling this to another, as well as having this embarrasing act thrust upon me.

It was not until I was 27 years old that I finally told another human being about what had happened to me nearly 20 years before. It was my girlfriend of over 4 years, the person I cared more about than any other human ever. I broke down and told her about the things in my life, because it was obvious that my facade was not holding together any longer, and all of my problems had started to take a toll in my life, which was taking a toll on our relationship. And she was slipping away from me. Unfortunately 6 months later she left me all alone to discover, and deal with my problems by myself. I can't quite blame her, but it hurts to be left in your most desperate time of need. But enough of my sob story lol. That much has been dealt with. :D

Around the same time that I told her, after she left me, I confided in 3 other females who were close friends of mine, and have told several psychologists\psychiatrists, but that is it. I have not told any other people about what has happened to me, and not one single member of my family, not even my brother. I don't necessarily feel ashamed any more about what happened to me, but I suppose I just don't want them to feel sorry for me.

Just want you to know that you're not alone.
Steve.
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Postby seanetal » Sat Jun 04, 2005 11:44 pm

The Pain,

I read your post and had several things that came into my mind to say. Then I read the posts others had written in response.

This is a tough thing to deal with. Like the others who replied I've been there. I remember the beginning when I was trying to face things. I remember taking those first steps out of the hole myself, only to sink deeper into the depression. I remember the nightmares and flashbacks building until finally I cracked and needed to check myself into a hospital.

Then I found other men who have been there, like my friends Jeffrey, Glenn, Roth, and Stephen. I realized I wasn't alone and I stood on their shoulders when I needed to... eventually I got out of that hole. Staying out of the hole is still a struggle sometimes, and that is where my friends come in again. They help me during my rougher times and I help them during theirs.

I know what you are going through... and so do the others who have responded:

Kintaro mentioned Jim Hopper's website and mentioned how he found some relief in talking about the abuse, he even shared his story.

Paul mentioned the MenWeb site and Mike Lew's wonderful book Victim's No Longer.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/bo ... 006053026X

Trucker mentioned MaleSurvivor.org and how that organization has a ton of helpful information.

Steve said that talking with his girlfriend and other female friends helped.

All of us have been there, and more importantly all of us are working hard to keep going and learning. We are not what happened to us, and we are not the monsters who abused us.

We are just men like you, and we're all here if you need us.
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Postby daughter05 » Sat Jul 02, 2005 3:29 pm

Hey,

I know Im another woman :) but maybe I can help. (Im 23)

My father was molested as a child. Although he never admitted this to me, I found out that my granfather had molested all 8 of his children. I also know for sure that my father molested at least one of his four sons. (Cant not prove that he hurt/is hurting any other of my brothers.) He would always say that a man who molestes boys is gay. He could not face the thought that he was homosexual with his father or his sons (although this is not what it is about) so he told nobody and tried to pretend it never happened.

For a full grown man, it is hard to think about what others will say if they found out they were molested. You may think that some will feel sorry for you or be understanding but you feel that the bigger part of the world will think that you put yourself into the situation because you are a guy and guys should be stong enough to handle this themsleves. You may think that they might fear you as most child molesters are men and were molested by another man so the cylce will continue. For a girl, will they are fragile and innocent while a big strong man took advantage of that. It is easier for another man to want to protect the little girl within that woman but its harder for them to do this for another guy. But you were just as fragile and innocent, and still are.

He also can not handle being in public, around crowds of people, or have any friends. Now he is a diagnosised sociopath so he isnt much of an example for this part BUT my husband is. I am the only person he has ever told about what his adult brother in law also did to him when he was the same age you were. He has a hard time talking about it but when I tell him yet another recovered memory, I will say sorry I am sure you are tired of hearing this and he says that he knows what it is like because of "J". He is the kind of guy everyone loves (he doesnt see this), athough he refused to get close to very few people and I am his only really close friend. He can make a group of woman laugh and feel very confortable around him, but when he is with a group of guys, he just wants to run out of the room. He doesnt really like being around either group of people and cant always tell if a person really likes him or not.

There is part two to his story. He was befriended by a group of guys that one of his friends was friends with in his apratment building when he was a teen. They were drug dealers and would get him high sometimes. Well they said it was time for him to pay for the drugs. Two of the friends were argueing over something he didnt quite understand and his friend sat crying on the couch. They intended on raping him. They tried but luckly someone knocked on the door and he ran out still zipping up his pants. Their apartment was directly above his and he heard through a vent their plans to catch him and make him pay. They were going to not only rape him at this point but beat the crap out of him too, possibly killing him. So he moved in with his sister and the brother in law. This was the only choice he had and by this point was much bigger than him so he was scared of him now and didnt tyr anything anymore. So this is a lot of his problem.

Yes, get help. You are starting now. I know how hard it is to talk about this. That sort of thing always seems to come easier for us woman/girls. That is probably why you dont see that much help for men. But you need to get treatment for your depression. I recommend getting a notebook that you can hide from the world and when you are feeling most down, start writting. This will help you to open up to yourself. I did this and I remember how weird I felt doing it, like I was tlaking to myself or soemthing but I felt so much better afterwards.

I will tell a story: I always hated my sister growing up. I had a dream as an adult that we where children and I was hugging her and trying to stop her from crying. It seemed so real and I woke up from it. I was telling my husband over supper about it the next night. I said I didnt understand it because I had hated her so much and still didnt care about her. I didnt care what happened to her. And just saying that little bit out loud, it hit me what I that dream meant. I hated her so much growing up so I didnt have to feel any guilt for not getting her away from the abuse. The abuse wasnt my fault but by saying I didnt care it happened to her was a lie I made myself believe to keep myself from thinking about what she was going though. And thinking about what she was going though would have made me face how I felt about the exact same thing that happened to me.

This is what writting while help you with. You will just be writting stuff that doestn make since and then later when you read it over you will 'read between the lines' and understand more about yourself. The next step is to read what you have written out loud. (nobody has to be around) You have already made step 1 and that was talking about it to someone, anyone, us.

I know this depression you speak of. At work you seemed find. When you stopped for gas you seemed fine. Your friends only see all the times you made them laugh You smiled and all smiled back. But than you go home, it creeps out of the corners and out from under your bed. It engulfed you in a cloud so thick that you cant see the way out. So you lie there in your bed and hope and pray that someone will find you and help you to the safe warm light that you know must be out there somewhere. Hope that there is one person out there who will love you enough understand without judging. Hopeing that you are worth all that love. Someone who will be able to talk to you next time without havign to think about what you may have said the last time but are always there with an out stretched hand when you need them again. You will make it. You must be strong. You ARE strong. You must see inside yourself, find that strength and hang on with all you have. The tighter you hang on, the stronger it grows.

You are facing what has happened to you but you dont know how to face it so that all that pain gets out of you. There are plenty of us out here who love you more than you would everr know. But sad to say, you have to come find us. We do not see what is eating at you until you let us know. Letting us know allows us to help you find your way out.

I send a BIG hug to you.
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Postby thepain » Fri Jul 08, 2005 8:17 pm

Just wanted to say that i have read everybody's replies and i really appreaciate the kind words and advice.
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