Like many other people, I never really talked about this with anyone. I mentioned it (not very specifically) to my boyfriend once we became sexually active so he would know where I was coming from when I wanted to move very slow. Other than that though, I never mentioned it to anyone at all. I feel like I may be alone on how I feel about my molester though.
I'm 18 now, but my brother molested me, just once, when I was ten years old. I pushed it out of my mind for three years, until I had intense emotional problems and they came pushing it right back to the front of my mind.
I mostly forgot about it by now. I mean, I know every detail of what happened. I can tell you what I did before and after and even the time of day and the exact words my parents used when they asked what my brother and I were doing outside for so long. I don't think about it often, but when I do, it's crippling. My day is ruined and I get upset over every little thing. I feel like I'm forever stunted in the sexual department also. (I understand I'm still young, but even so, it took me years to even want to kiss someone.) I still don't enjoy it much when people touch me. I can handle it, but even when I'm making love to my boyfriend, there is still a little part inside me, screaming for me to run away and protect myself from anyone that would touch me so personally.
I've been officially diagnosed with depression and my parents are almost embarrassed about it. We are a very clean-cut family. Everything must be just-so and perfect, and awkward/bad memories are swept under the carpet and never mentioned again. I never could tell them why I was having such a hard time emotionally. Because of this, I could hardly tell them my brother touched me just once way back in my life.
It seems as though most people hate, fear, or are angry with the person that molested them. I LOVE my brother. I don't hate him in any way, I look up to him. He's the only person in my family that I feel close to. He made me who I am today, and I love who I am (for the most part). He's fun, I love hanging out with him, and I admire him. But every so often, I think of that one day and I struggle with whether I really love him or not. I believe I have forgiven him, but the problems are still around because of what he did. Because I love him so much though, I try and defend him by saying he was only a teenager and couldn't control himself, etc. etc. I still am unable to talk to him about it. For years after, he acted aggressive towards me and I was terrified of him. But eventually, we made our way back to the "best friends" way we were before it had happened.
Honestly, I refuse to discuss it with my parents. Like I said, I adore my brother. But I can't seem to sort my feelings out, and drugs (anti-depressants, etc.) aren't going to suppress or solve that. I'm curious as to what I should do.
Does talking with a therapist actually help? How would I even come around to contacting one and convincing my overbearing parents that I need to go, without giving too much detail?
I'm confused and just want to learn to be a normal teenager. I am content where I am, but I want to finally be at PEACE with this.