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How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby misstake » Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:44 am

Like many other people, I never really talked about this with anyone. I mentioned it (not very specifically) to my boyfriend once we became sexually active so he would know where I was coming from when I wanted to move very slow. Other than that though, I never mentioned it to anyone at all. I feel like I may be alone on how I feel about my molester though.

I'm 18 now, but my brother molested me, just once, when I was ten years old. I pushed it out of my mind for three years, until I had intense emotional problems and they came pushing it right back to the front of my mind.

I mostly forgot about it by now. I mean, I know every detail of what happened. I can tell you what I did before and after and even the time of day and the exact words my parents used when they asked what my brother and I were doing outside for so long. I don't think about it often, but when I do, it's crippling. My day is ruined and I get upset over every little thing. I feel like I'm forever stunted in the sexual department also. (I understand I'm still young, but even so, it took me years to even want to kiss someone.) I still don't enjoy it much when people touch me. I can handle it, but even when I'm making love to my boyfriend, there is still a little part inside me, screaming for me to run away and protect myself from anyone that would touch me so personally.

I've been officially diagnosed with depression and my parents are almost embarrassed about it. We are a very clean-cut family. Everything must be just-so and perfect, and awkward/bad memories are swept under the carpet and never mentioned again. I never could tell them why I was having such a hard time emotionally. Because of this, I could hardly tell them my brother touched me just once way back in my life.

It seems as though most people hate, fear, or are angry with the person that molested them. I LOVE my brother. I don't hate him in any way, I look up to him. He's the only person in my family that I feel close to. He made me who I am today, and I love who I am (for the most part). He's fun, I love hanging out with him, and I admire him. But every so often, I think of that one day and I struggle with whether I really love him or not. I believe I have forgiven him, but the problems are still around because of what he did. Because I love him so much though, I try and defend him by saying he was only a teenager and couldn't control himself, etc. etc. I still am unable to talk to him about it. For years after, he acted aggressive towards me and I was terrified of him. But eventually, we made our way back to the "best friends" way we were before it had happened.


Honestly, I refuse to discuss it with my parents. Like I said, I adore my brother. But I can't seem to sort my feelings out, and drugs (anti-depressants, etc.) aren't going to suppress or solve that. I'm curious as to what I should do.
Does talking with a therapist actually help? How would I even come around to contacting one and convincing my overbearing parents that I need to go, without giving too much detail?

I'm confused and just want to learn to be a normal teenager. I am content where I am, but I want to finally be at PEACE with this.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby jasmin » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:44 am

Misstake, are you going to college soon? You could tell your parents that you saw a counselor there and he/she said you have to see a therapist to help you deal with the stress that college life makes you go through or something. Be very careful, overbearing parents could send you to a therapist who will tell them what you talked about afterwards and who might not be on your side.
Even though your brother is nice to you now, it doesn't take away what he did. You have every right to love him, but it's ok to hate him too.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby Nanashi » Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:20 pm

The longer you try to keep this to yourself, it will come back one day. Maybe not soo, but in the future for sure. LIke Jasmin said, be careful with the therapist you choose if you do not want them to reveal anything. Some form of admission has to be made in my opinion. He is your brother, you love him but, what he did was wrong. Do not let it eat at.

-Senza-
Hold these thoughts of you close and never forget
In the darkness nothing is clear
Far away, yet in my heart you're near
Let each scar vanish...and believe...forever
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby MapleSyrup » Fri Oct 29, 2010 5:00 pm

Nanashi wrote:The longer you try to keep this to yourself, it will come back one day. Maybe not soo, but in the future for sure. LIke Jasmin said, be careful with the therapist you choose if you do not want them to reveal anything. Some form of admission has to be made in my opinion. He is your brother, you love him but, what he did was wrong. Do not let it eat at.

-Senza-

Is there any similarity here between my case and this one (Incest in A PERFECT Family)? I can see there is a common ground at the beginning of the action but the two cases have taken totally different directions. I am not a therapist or specialist. So my opinion can go either way. In my opinion, this case (Incest in Perfect family) is so simple. The parties should not add to the fire. Teens (brother and sister) were curious, were exploring themselves, giving the lack of knowledge and judgment. The boy was in time when his hormones were erupting. I am not trying, by any mean, to deny the painful memories or to justify the act. If I were the victim, I would first open my heart and get it out of my chest ONLY to the BROTHER. Then I will ask my heart and my INSTINCT whether I love and trust this brother or not (at the present time). If I do then I will forgive and forget. Talking to families and therapists sometimes get things more complicated and aggravated.
All the best of life for all
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby sensornet » Fri Oct 29, 2010 6:01 pm

misstake, good thing is it's over. My suggestion is get yourself busy with something, something that makes you happy. I believe you've lot to offer.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby jasmin » Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:04 pm

It's probably best for you to see a decent professional, misstake, even if you choose to not confront your brother about what he did. If you don't deal with this, it can get worse, you can get very depressed and you could be vulnerable to others' abuse because of messed up boundaries. It's ok if you can't find help right now, it's not the end of the world, but you shouldn't bury what happened to you either. It made and it makes you feel bad, so it was more than experimenting and he had no right to do it.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby MapleSyrup » Fri Oct 29, 2010 8:07 pm

misstake wrote:I I feel like I'm forever stunted in the sexual department also. (I understand I'm still young, but even so, it took me years to even want to kiss someone.) I still don't enjoy it much when people touch me. I can handle it, but even when I'm making love to my boyfriend, there is still a little part inside me, screaming for me to run away and protect myself from anyone that would touch me so personally.

I have read misstake's original post again. Being in the AFTERMATH, I have had flash-back memories and some triggers. This post is one trigger. I have already explained my fiance's (I can call her EX fiance right now) odd attitude in the bedroom in my original thread. Now, and after reading here, I remember very well that my fiance had never kissed or wanted a kiss. Apart from a quick kiss on her forehead after long separation, that was it. She had never known how to touch or be touched. So, apart from the INEVITABLE touch during the love making, she has never kissed or touched. She had never looked at me or eye to eye contact during the love making. Things improved slowly over the years but were never at the normal level. I even complained to her mom that she was cold and far from being affectionate. I took it easy at that time and I thought "oh she is too shy..oh that is how some people are". At the mean time, she had always been hungry for sex. (now, I call it sex , not make love). So, is this relevant really? can we take this as one proof? or am I just going through my own dilemma?
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby jasmin » Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:53 am

Yes, like I said in your thread, if she has issues with intimacy and being close to you or touched, it could be from some past abuse.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby MapleSyrup » Sat Oct 30, 2010 1:16 pm

jasmin wrote:Yes, like I said in your thread, if she has issues with intimacy and being close to you or touched, it could be from some past abuse.

Thanks jasmin.
Giving the high rate of divorce, broken families, diminished family ties and bonds, deterioration in family values..etc etc, this family (my would be family in law) seems A PERFECT family (same description by misstake). Where is the missing point in here?
Am I a victim in this case? why did they allow this to happen to me?
The (would be) mother in law has been in shock and denial. She is refusing to talk to me? I sent her emails to explain and clarify my position. I pointed out, to her, my reasons as to why I have had strong ground of suspicion. Can they threat me of legal action for defamation (based on my written emails?).

Believe me, I am, right now, more traumatized than those who were victims of abuse.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby mentalblock » Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:46 pm

Misstake - you are in my thoughts and prayers - trust in yourself xxxx
Maple - sorry but your comment -Believe me, I am, right now, more traumatized than those who were victims of abuse- shocked me . I dont deny you your opinion in anyway but I am insulted that you could say this. I have read your thread and as confusing as it was i fathomed that you appear to believe your gf/fiancee was abused by her family member (her father?). I am sure she is more traumatised than you will ever be if it is the case that she is/was being abused - the sweeping statement you make belittles (in my opinion) the kinds of atrocities your gf, myself or any other abused human being., and the fact that you consider yourself more traumatised than any of us is despicable. To any other abuse victim here: I am sorry if I speak out of turn - I am not speaking on anyones behalf except my own.
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