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How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby MapleSyrup » Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:26 pm

mentalblock wrote:Misstake - you are in my thoughts and prayers - trust in yourself xxxx
Maple - sorry but your comment -Believe me, I am, right now, more traumatized than those who were victims of abuse- shocked me . I dont deny you your opinion in anyway but I am insulted that you could say this. I have read your thread and as confusing as it was i fathomed that you appear to believe your gf/fiancee was abused by her family member (her father?). I am sure she is more traumatised than you will ever be if it is the case that she is/was being abused - the sweeping statement you make belittles (in my opinion) the kinds of atrocities your gf, myself or any other abused human being., and the fact that you consider yourself more traumatised than any of us is despicable. To any other abuse victim here: I am sorry if I speak out of turn - I am not speaking on anyones behalf except my own.


mentalblock..and everyone here:

I do apologize. I am so sorry. I had never had the intention to insult or hurt. Sorry, probably I should have been more sensitive. It was just my word of mouth when I wrote it and also felt it. The pain I have been through recently might have added to it.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Last edited by MapleSyrup on Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby ICU » Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:29 pm

Maple,

Maybe you can start a separate thread, so this one doesn't get hijacked.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby Dove91801 » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:01 am

Misstake,

I was 9 years old and my older brother was a teen when I had a similar experience, it happened a few times over about a year period. My mother worked at a home for neglected and abused girls, go figure, she had no idea! No one ever knew growing up.

We were the best of friends at your age, as well. I did get some therapy a couple of different times, it helped a little, but I never went as much as I should have. My bother and I are pretty close now, but there has some tension that has grown over the years, I believe it is because he hasn't forgiven himself. At one point in time, when we were in our late twenties, he apologized to me. So, to be honest, I think it bothers him more than it does me. I have a lot of admiration for him, he is hilarious and I love him dearly. His kids and my kids are great friends/cousins and we take vacations and things together. I have no resentment towards him, but the experience changed who I was. I will always look back at this as something very sad, I feel that I was robbed of my innocence.

I would say that it would help you a lot to talk about it with a therapist. I remember my step-father laughing in my face when I told him I needed counseling, I was 18 at the time. Even if you can find a friend or someone you can trust, it would help. It is amazing how some of my friends have been like therapists to me!

I wish you the best and if you ever want to ask any questions or anything, you are welcome to pm me.
"Two loves have made two different cities: self-love hath made a terrestrial city, which rises in contempt of God; and Divine Love hath made a celestial one, which rises in contempt of self. The former glories in itself-the latter in God.”
-Saint Augustine, Father and Doctor of the Church
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby jasmin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:34 pm

Maple, I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and you're just trying to say that this situation you are in with your girl friend is very difficult for you.

Misstake, are you still around?
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby misstake » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:08 am

Dove91801 wrote:My bother and I are pretty close now, but there has some tension that has grown over the years, I believe it is because he hasn't forgiven himself. At one point in time, when we were in our late twenties, he apologized to me. So, to be honest, I think it bothers him more than it does me. I have a lot of admiration for him, he is hilarious and I love him dearly. His kids and my kids are great friends/cousins and we take vacations and things together. I have no resentment towards him, but the experience changed who I was.


It is at least a comfort that you went through something like I did. It's nice to know I won't be living under the memory for the rest of my life.
I appreciate that so much, just knowing it may be in our memories, but it won't completely destroy my relationship with my brother. I finally feel that it's not completely "wrong" to admire him so much, even after what happened.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby Dove91801 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:53 pm

You would be surprised to know how much this goes on in homes when parents do not really talk about sex or tell their kids not to touch each other in that way. When I was in high school, I had 2 friends that had brothers that had experimented and actually went into abuse as well. I also worked in pediatrics for years and this went on more than you could imagine. That is just in cases where people told, I am sure there are so many that have never said anything. I realize that kids are kids and sometimes things happen out of curiosity, but sometimes it goes way too far.

This can also be a learning experience for you if you ever become a mother. You will know to tell your children and make them aware of what is private and sacred and not to be touched in that way before they are ready! I only have daughters now, I have watched and protected them like a hawk, so that nothing or no one would ever take away their innocence.
"Two loves have made two different cities: self-love hath made a terrestrial city, which rises in contempt of God; and Divine Love hath made a celestial one, which rises in contempt of self. The former glories in itself-the latter in God.”
-Saint Augustine, Father and Doctor of the Church
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby jasmin » Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:00 pm

It's ok to love your brother. People can't always just stop loving a family member, even if they abused them. You have the right to create your own boundaries.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby Toomuch » Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:12 pm

Misstake, don't feel bad about loving your brother and don't feel bad/afraid/guilty about hating your brother too - you can do both... love and hatred really don't cancel each other out.

Never the less, don't let him or your parents stop you from getting the therapy you NEED (yes you really do need it and yes it can totally change your life for the better if you get a good therapist). No matter how much you love/admire/respect/fear your family (I'm talking about all three of them) you shouldn't let them get away with putting their will above your needs. You need to create good solid boundaries for yourself (including "selfishly" standing up for your rights) because if you don't and if you just let people walk all over you it could ruin much more than just your love life (bitter experience talking here).

I know I'm being a total hypocrite by preaching stuff I myself don't do but it's still good advice and I think we all know it.
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby mckenzie25 » Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:52 pm

Misstake, jasmin's 1oo% spot on. It took me so long to understand that someone could actually have a relationship with their abuser - a very similar situation to this happened to my girlfriend, except it was her father that was the perpetrator. She continued to talk to him on the phone and even had a father-daugther relationship with him, and for the life of me I couldn't understand why in the world she would ever want to speak to him ever again after what he did to her. I was abused as a child as well, but my abuser was a stranger, not a family member, and I couldn't comprehend how our situations were different. She asked me one time to please try and understand, but it took a long time before I could really accept the situation. She committed suicide due to both mental health and substance abuse issues this past year, and I couldn't help but want to lash out at her father for the damage he had done to her psychologically. It's a very complicated situation when your abuser is a family member...you don't get to pick and choose your family, they'll always be your family no matter what, and although it's possible to estrange yourself from them there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to continue having a relationship with them. He's your brother, and you two had a relationship before the molestation, it's a really complex situation to deal with and I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just know you're not alone and that this is something that a lot of people have happen in their lives. There are a lot of good support groups out there, like SIA, where you can be anonymous and learn how to start the healing process. It's free, too, and no one ever has to know you're going there if you don't want them to. All the best :)
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Re: How To Cope With Incest In A "Perfect" Family

Postby wishiwasawoman » Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:30 pm

Mistake, I know how you feel but I could have been your brother. I too came from what an outsider would call"The Perfect Family" and harbor a lot of the same feelings as you, but from the standpoint of the abuser. I feel the same shame and guilt and anxiety as you and I am sure your brother harbors the same feelings as me, that is likely why it only happened once. A teenage male with hormones raging sometimes will do things that they regret when the adrenalin slows down and shamefully I did the same thing to my sister for different reasons. Maybe it might help the both of you if you talk with him about what he did, but start off the conversation by telling him you admire,look up to him and love him and not that you are disgusted with what he did. I know from my standpoint, if my sister came up to me with a gentle approach instead of confrontational, I would be more than happy to explain that the reason I did what I did was more of a curiosity thing than a "monster" thing. Though in my life there are numerous other factors contributing to what I did, I truly believe in a onetime situation, it is curiosity and he feels as much shame as you.

Submitted respectfully,
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