Sexual Aversion Disorder ("Rape-Related")

Surviving Sexual Aversion Disorder
Not quite sure how to articulate this personal embarrassing subject. However I’ve seen an increasing number of victimized woman and men who live with rape stigma speak about having an aversion, antipathy, or repugnance towards sexual desires in the long aftermath of being victimized by rape or incest in the past.

Invariably; I think many female and male CSA and adult victims of sexual assault trauma all go through this transition. I think many rape victims to varying degrees are at lease confronted with sexual aversion in some form or another.
I know that I have struggled with sexual aversion disorder for more years than I can count, damned near thirty years.
This is extremely embarrassing and confusing. I can testify without a doubt that yes; part of me clings to my heterosexual identity but I also have strong leanings towards being (“Asexual”) as result of my traumatized painful past. Yes I have been in the past attracted to women. But; as one heterosexual male rape victim whom I read in a book he published, who later married and whom so eloquently put it in a poignant letter to his wife expressing difficult times having intimate sexual relations with her.
("Whenever I would even consider making love to my wife, horrid memories of my rape would race through mind making such a notion practically impossible"). That statement really moved me profoundly to emotional tears.

Why? Because; today not only do I suffer with erectile dysfunction but also (“I do not find any personal meaning or interest in having sex”). However; when I contemplate true love in the disposition of genuine affection, living and sharing love from the depths of one’s human heart in the union of friendship with the opposite-sex, it “does not imply” the inclusive physical act of intimate sexual expression in the strictest of sense, other than wishing to be close with someone of the opposite sex you genuinely love as a companion (“a friend”). In my strong convictions I do not equate the aspect of genuine love from the human heart as having anything to do with the physical act of sex in itself.

Yet; living in such present circumstances the horrible pain and incessant memories of my brutal gang rape at gunpoint have in many psychological and physical ways robbed me of my sexual identity.
As I mentioned a number of times before to myself, that I often feel like a neutered dog. Most certainly I have no affinity or interest to being gay. But now I most often question my heterosexuality as I lean strongly towards being asexual.

Shame and Guilt...especially considering every painful detail of what torturous things my assailants did to me, coupled with the fact of me being cowardly paralyzed and having no guts within me to have even attempted to stop them even if it had cost me my very life. And now; in hindsight I frequently wish that my brutal rape assailants and torturers would have killed me in the end. There are moments when this “wishing I were dead” really festers in my mind. Personally; I have NO fear of death. NOTE: that being said; (I make NO implication of Suicide here)

I have never officially been diagnosed with sexual aversion disorder. However; I do understand a brief criteria in which such diagnoses are made. In a nutshell: Sexual aversion disorder: is a psychological disorder in which a person (Usually a victimized Female or Male survivor of Rape or Incest) seeks to avoid sex and undertakes various behaviours to avoid sex. This disorder includes the older termed medical sexual condition known as "frigidity".

Sexual aversion disorder can be both over-diagnosed and under-diagnosed. It is over-diagnosed in cases where the patient has other reasons that are interfering with sexuality, such as tiredness, fatigue, other causes of low libido, or other causes of sexual pain. Also possible is inadequate foreplay or poor sexual technique. Such a person does not have a true aversion to sex.
Sexual aversion disorder can be under-diagnosed in cases of sexual pain or other apparent psychological problems with sex. Physicians may assume a history of rape or childhood sexual abuse where none exists.

I've asked myself and mulled through this question numerous times.
Do I find the sexual act of making love to a woman itself disgusting? Perhaps not; other than the fact that sex always reminds of my brutal gang-rape as if resounding echo's of painful images and sounds playing unceasingly on my mind.

Embarrassingly; I have discussed this briefly with a former female therapist. She never really bothered to elaborate on this discussion and avoided my query. Perhaps it was out of her sphere of training or too sensitive in nature for herself or possibly I didn't elaborate enough myself.

Who would have ever thought in the past of a man getting squeamish or frigid over the idea of having sex with a woman they were fondly attracted to and in love with? Not usually something associated with virile masculinity. How the heck do you explain this to a woman you fall in love with and desire to marry. Not so easy a prospect especially with the likely chance of such a woman leaving you for being hung-up with mental health problems or assuming that such a man would be gay.

For many men who never had to concern themselves with the horrid memories and stigma of having been savagely tortured and raped, but are challenged with aging physical health problems...it's to obviously consider taking Levitra, Cialis or Viagra, for Erectile Dysfunction.

However; few will ever consider the serious health risk when taking such medication, especially if you’re plagued with terminal pancreatic cancer, diabetes, cardiac, asthma amongst other terminal health problems like myself.

I have asked myself numerous times if I could bring myself to the point of performing the act of sexual intercourse with the woman I fall in love with and marry within the Church? Perhaps not! Physically and mentally I am incapable. And if by remote chance there was physical healing; I would still be confronted by the haunting memories of my rape past let alone wrestling with the prospect of such a happenstance going against my moral certitudes because it would be unfair to burden my painful psychological problems on a newly wedded wife.

I've reached a dead impasse with no return. I’m just another human dog who's been mentally and physically neutered.
Some endeavours in life such as the prospect of a spousal loving marriage both spiritual and physical are never attainable for some people who are forced to embrace the suffering of a painful heavy Cross in their lives.

Perhaps there are some women or men here who have the courage to identify in a number of respects with what I have written above??? In my seven years of psychotherapy its taken a lot of inner strength to speak about this. Frankly; I'm just beginning now to address this ("Sexual Aversion Disorder") with my psychotherapist. I can only hope some part of my loss identity can find something tangible to hold on to that brings me an inner sense of peace no matter how remote clinging to my present identity maybe.

This all feels so strange trying to pick up and find shattered pieces in our lives after heavily laden traumatic events such as rape.
Superficial outward appearances mean so little. Its what we can identify within the inner sanctum of ourselves that helps us to realize who we are despite outward physical sexual identity.

Peace
Chris

Shame and Guilt...especially considering every painful detail of what torturous things my assailants did to me, coupled with the fact of me being cowardly paralyzed and having no guts within me to have even attempted to stop them even if it had cost me my very life. And now; in hindsight I frequently wish that my brutal rape assailants and torturers would have killed me in the end. There are moments when this “wishing I were dead” really festers in my mind. Personally; I have NO fear of death. NOTE: that being said; (I make NO implication of Suicide here)



i just read your post , the part above could have come right out of my head , i relate to many of your posts . the sex aversion part is the answer i been looking for or at least a name i can put to how i feel ,couple that with extreme startle reaction and it's pretty much i give up on any sexual relationship. the have no fear of death is also something i can relate to ,i truely believe i can heal and lead a reasonable life ,i also understand that dying is the only time this stuff is going to go away .i prayed to die pretty much every night ,some things really are worse than dying .also no suicidal thoughts here either. for me life after abuse is a battle and always will be . the one thing that makes me have to keep going is ,i am an adult ,i did not suffer for me the pain is a memory ,for the child i was it was a living nightmare ,yet he survived and he was just a kid an 11 year old kid .how can i value so little what he fought so hard for ? he fought for me ,i owe it to him to never give up . i feel so guilty for feeling like life crapped on me ,life crapped on him and he fought for me

I have aversions.

Personally, I haven't tried to justify them. But for me, they are so innate that it is difficult to attempt to justify them in the first place, it's just something that is, for me.

Kind of like a smell that makes you want to vomit. For me it isn't like "Oh this reminds me of..." or "I feel guilty." there's just the overpowering feeling of wanting to throw up. Body just begins to react. I'm the same way with a lot of sexual things, things which most might consider "normal". I don't know why. I just have different body sensations, crushing feelings, feeling like I've been punched in the stomach, feeling covered in filth and I absolutely MUST escape from it and wash it all off, and of course the need to vomit.

I don't know. It just is that way for me. Can't even begin to analyze it.

evanescence wrote:Shame and Guilt...especially considering every painful detail of what torturous things my assailants did to me, coupled with the fact of me being cowardly paralyzed and having no guts within me to have even attempted to stop them even if it had cost me my very life. And now; in hindsight I frequently wish that my brutal rape assailants and torturers would have killed me in the end. There are moments when this “wishing I were dead” really festers in my mind. Personally; I have NO fear of death. NOTE: that being said; (I make NO implication of Suicide here)



i just read your post , the part above could have come right out of my head , i relate to many of your posts . the sex aversion part is the answer i been looking for or at least a name i can put to how i feel ,couple that with extreme startle reaction and it's pretty much i give up on any sexual relationship. the have no fear of death is also something i can relate to ,i truly believe i can heal and lead a reasonable life ,i also understand that dying is the only time this stuff is going to go away .i prayed to die pretty much every night ,some things really are worse than dying .also no suicidal thoughts here either. for me life after abuse is a battle and always will be . the one thing that makes me have to keep going is ,i am an adult ,i did not suffer for me the pain is a memory ,for the child i was it was a living nightmare ,yet he survived and he was just a kid an 11 year old kid .how can i value so little what he fought so hard for ? he fought for me ,i owe it to him to never give up . i feel so guilty for feeling like life crapped on me ,life crapped on him and he fought for me

Hi Evanescence;

Thank You for your sincere correspondence. I'm so very sorry you were forced to suffer sexual assault in your valued innocent childhood. I get emotionally teary eyed every-time I speak with a C.S.A. victim. Part of me can only imagine how this destroyed your childhood. Please known that I do empathetically understand this nightmare you suffer with all sincerity in my heart.

I was twenty-three when I was gang-raped and tortured at gunpoint. In many respects I was just 23 year old immature kid whom much less knew anything about life. But even today at the age of 52 pressing towards 53 in a few months perhaps I have grown in wisdom somewhat without boasting anything. Sometimes I wonder if we ever grow up. I've always liked this statement whom the late American actor/comedian George Burns spoke of when he said: What is an Adult anyway? "Just a Bent Kid".
That I would say pretty well describes me for a lack of better words rather than depressingly using derogatory words to describe myself. For many of us being victims of a life altering traumatic event can get us down on ourselves in this on going storm to shake ourselves out of it. But somehow we all have to rise above the water to take a good breath of air and look at ourselves behind the vulnerable masks and walls we so often hind behind. I believe we both understand this deep feeling inside of preferring to die a natural death sooner than later believing it just might bring total closure to our pain that haunts us.

But if I can be so bold; part of me feels more and more even though I have set backs, that my pain is less important than this new desire inside to make others who suffer feel better for themselves. It would be arrogant of myself to think of this empathetic gift as being something personal to boast about. However; there is a happy comfort when you can witness another sister or brother finding the strength to push on despite adversity. Believe me; I'm no champion of success in all this.
But it is better than standing behind our masks and walls of fears to help promote this giving of our true self to others one day at a time even if we feel weak. Evanescence; it would be an honor and privilege to be able to converse more.

Peace
Chris

gwilly wrote:I have aversions.

Personally, I haven't tried to justify them. But for me, they are so innate that it is difficult to attempt to justify them in the first place, it's just something that is, for me.

Kind of like a smell that makes you want to vomit. For me it isn't like "Oh this reminds me of..." or "I feel guilty." there's just the overpowering feeling of wanting to throw up. Body just begins to react. I'm the same way with a lot of sexual things, things which most might consider "normal". I don't know why. I just have different body sensations, crushing feelings, feeling like I've been punched in the stomach, feeling covered in filth and I absolutely MUST escape from it and wash it all off, and of course the need to vomit.

I don't know. It just is that way for me. Can't even begin to analyze it.

exactly it's like all the bad builds up inside and usually for some minor reason it just hits like a wave,sometimes stuff even does come up in my throat.like a thousand little bits of something that don't hurt individualy but all together the sorta bust out

i


Hi Evanescence;

Thank You for your sincere correspondence. I'm so very sorry you were forced to suffer sexual assault in your valued innocent childhood. I get emotionally teary eyed every-time I speak with a C.S.A. victim. Part of me can only imagine how this destroyed your childhood. Please known that I do empathetically understand this nightmare you suffer with all sincerity in my heart.

I was twenty-three when I was gang-raped and tortured at gunpoint. In many respects I was just 23 year old immature kid whom much less knew anything about life. But even today at the age of 52 pressing towards 53 in a few months perhaps I have grown in wisdom somewhat without boasting anything. Sometimes I wonder if we ever grow up. I've always liked this statement whom the late American actor/comedian George Burns spoke of when he said: What is an Adult anyway? "Just a Bent Kid".
That I would say pretty well describes me for a lack of better words rather than depressingly using derogatory words to describe myself. For many of us being victims of a life altering traumatic event can get us down on ourselves in this on going storm to shake ourselves out of it. But somehow we all have to rise above the water to take a good breath of air and look at ourselves behind the vulnerable masks and walls we so often hind behind. I believe we both understand this deep feeling inside of preferring to die a natural death sooner than later believing it just might bring total closure to our pain that haunts us.

But if I can be so bold; part of me feels more and more even though I have set backs, that my pain is less important than this new desire inside to make others who suffer feel better for themselves. It would be arrogant of myself to think of this empathetic gift as being something personal to boast about. However; there is a happy comfort when you can witness another sister or brother finding the strength to push on despite adversity. Believe me; I'm no champion of success in all this.
But it is better than standing behind our masks and walls of fears to help promote this giving of our true self to others one day at a time even if we feel weak. Evanescence; it would be an honor and privilege to be able to converse more.

Peace
Chris[/quote]






thanks for the cool response,i like the idea of helping other survivors but most times i feel like i can't help myself how can i help anybody else,but i know people ,others here who have helped me so much , broken butterfly ,prosthetic smile ,and others ,all willing to help me ,all hurt by men ,but able to help a man .it takes strength to do that yet none of us see ourselves as strong ,maybe if we learn to see what others see in us we can get better one thing i have learned all the things i was told made me weak as a kid are the things people say make me strong now ,i guess it's feeling comming back?

Often-times for me I get mind stuck in some deep crevice that' feels paralyzing and frustrating not being able to articulate why I feel the way I do about certain aspects on how I rationalize my sexual aversion disorder and this strong feeling of what it feels like to be a neutered dog who has lost his male identity. I'm not speaking or advocating any feelings whatsoever about femininity here. Perhaps the only I can speak of my person-hood is identifying myself as an ("IT"). I realize that my speaking here is anything but positive about myself.

I guess I feel so vulnerable speaking here and this refrain of choosing someway of describing my identity despite my superficial outer appearance of looking like a man. I've never spoke about what I'm about to say to anyone except answering questions from doctor under a medical examination. Gosh Damned! Despite everything I have described about the details of my gang-rape that I spoke of in another post, their is another traumatic experience I was forced to endure. Not being completely neutered, but my assailants half neutered me. It just reinforced my depersonalization of having anything to do with the identify of my exterior humanity.
Sure I have the superficial outward appearances of being a man with absolutely NO interest, care or meaning to having sex.

This is something I've never discussed with anybody. Not even a shrink. Nor have I had any desire to go into any lengthy detail with a doctor male or female. Brings back too many painful memories that I would rather forget.

sometimes some of the posts are over my head,so i'm not sure if i should respond, head injuries have a way of being long term .but if i understand what you mean by losing your male identity ,i have struggled with what sounds the same .being a kid most of what i knew about being a man came from tv cause the men in my life either abused me or ignored me.but i had this idea of a macho man .a manly man ya know? a tough guy ,that didn't take crap from anybody.but then after the abuse,after being sodomized ,and forced to perform oral sex .i understood that i could never be that man ,because of what they did to me .you can't ever be a man if you been used like a women ,and please i mean no disrespect to women . since the abuse , i became convinced i could never be a man ,basicly i didn't want to .because all the men i knew were fu-ed up in the head. if don't relate to my own gender and have no experience with the other gender .what am i? i understand that being a man is about other things ,other qualities.but i still feel like as you put it not a man, certainly not a women .an it.i know none of this helps in any way just wanted you to know that the things that are hard for you to talk about do help others understand they are not the only one. for most of my life i feel like if i had been a real man i would have fought till they killed me . but it's hard to be a man at age 11

Hello Evanescence;

Just what to say friend that I read every poignant word you wrote.

Evanescence wrote;
("for most of my life i feel like if i had been a real man i would have fought till they killed me.")

I most certainly can identify with what you speak here. I too would have preferred to have died.
If that easy way out makes me a coward, than so be it.


Evanescence wrote;
but it's hard to be a man at age 11

These are profound words you speak here. Though I was raped at an older age than you were, something in these last few words you wrote hit me to the core of my being. Being a C.S.A. victim at such an early age must have destroyed one of the most important parts of your life. Namely; your innocent adolescence. I so much feel for you here. But if their remains any strength in both our broken identities, we are both two brothers that have gone through an unspeakable war of hell and then some.