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My 11 year old son an abuser??

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My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby flutterflies » Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:59 pm

This is going to be long just b/c I want to get all the details in. Just last week we found out our 11 year old son has been doing bad things with his 8 year old girl cousin at our house in the shed. When we confronted him he confirmed everything. They went in there 6-7 times. While they didn't have real sex, they did get close and do other things (both oral on each other) My DH and I FLIPPED. The girls mother was so mad of course she turned us into the police. My son kept saying crying I didn't know, I didn't know. I think he knew they were being "naughty" but I never once think he knew what they were doing was a criminal act. He never forced her to do anything. She pulled down her own pants. She is a tall girl only about 2 inches shorter than DS. I only say this b/c its not like she was a tiny little girl or anything.

So we go into the police station and they take DS back for questioning. When we go back they show us the questions and answers they just asked him. I told the police thru tears that everything on the papers is everything is has told us. He has not lied about anything.

The girl and her older brother are at our house a lot because their dad lives in the apartment in our basement. The parents are divorced. About 6 or so months ago my 8 year old DS came to me and asked what "sex" is. I asked "why do you ask" he said cause "bailey" (the 8 yr. cousin) told him that this couple has a baby cause they had s-e-x. So she was just a curious girl too. I do know the mom has a 1 year old baby and she doesn't even know who the dad is. I'm sure that's not relavent but I will tell you the mom is not someone you want to mess with. She can be a b----- and I'm not the only one to think that. I know that sounds bad but I'm letting it all out right now.

The girls mom is making the dad move out and she is NEVER to be around my son again. Although the dad was shocked and in disbelief over what happened she think the mom is handling this all wrong. I believe if her daughter is not being an emotional wreck now the mom is going to cause it to happen.

I have looked up everything on this and I have come to the conclusion that these 2 kids neither one knew what they were doing. DS never once forced himself on her and she pulled down her own pants. I'm not blaming either one or saying that DS is off the hook. What I am saying is that I believe my son and her daughter didn't know the consequences of what they were doing and were being 2 curious kids. We've had a long talk with our son (and a shorter talk with our 2 younger kids with less detail) and now he knows everything. I can tell you with all my heart that is not a monster. He has been so good thru all of this. He is trying to please us and be helpful around the house. He IS good kid that made a bad choice. He is scared to death. My son has told us and the police that nobody has ever touched him inappropriately. A friend called him over to play the other day and he didn't even ask me he just told them "no". He knows he needs to hang tight for a while till we figure out what's going on. We are currently waiting for a call from the states attorney and I guess dcfs (though I don't know why both?) My 2 younger boys ages 5 and 8 have no clue what's going on. I've told them that BIL needs to move out to find a bigger place to live.

DH and I have been sick over this. We are just a normal 2 parent family. No smoking, no drinking. I am a SAHM. We did have to tell DH's parents because we figured they'd get suspicious since we visit quite often that the 2 are not allowed together. DH's mom was so understanding and said to tell DS that she still loves him and not to worry. Although I could tell you with all my heart (and not just b/c I'm his mom) that he will never do this again. I believe the girls mom is causing more pain for all involved and I think we could have handled this differently. I hate the fact that because my son is older he is the "molester" while she is the "victim" even thought this was consenual. Neither one of them understood. I hate this.

DH has been trying to spend a lot of time with DS to get his mind off of things. We both decided that we will stick by him and love him. DS told me he loved me today as he got out of the car for school

My DS is only 11 years old and made some bad choices. He is not a 30 year old child molestor!! The mom is making me so mad!
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby evanessence » Tue Sep 14, 2010 10:41 pm

just my opinion ,your child is not an abuser .not a monster ,not a child molester and anyone that tells him he is is a moron .all 11 year olds are curious . just because your son said no one showed him anything or touched him doesn't mean they didn't, he has already seen what anything sexual can do ,blow his world apart ,make everyone crazy ,make them dislike him .do you seriously think he would reveal being molested now? also how do you know that the little girl wasn't taught these things by someone .depending on how involved what they did was ,little kids do not just pick up oral sex on their own.i think people should back off the boy and look deeper into whats really going on .at age 11 i was molested ,i was taught things no kid my age knew ,things that felt amazing . there were lots of times i showed what i was learning to friends my age . but i didn't just come up with things i was being molested and thats how i knew
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby flutterflies » Wed Sep 15, 2010 1:10 am

In the questions from the police DS states that no one has ever touched or molested him like that. DH and I asked him the same thing and both times he has said "no" and I believe him. He has told the truth thru everything else so I have to believe him about this. He did tell me the 8 year old girl told him what to do and the 13 year old boy across the street told him he does it (that I believe because this boy has been in a lot of trouble/kicked out of school/no parental supervision etc) There was also a question about has he seen anything like that in a magazine and he also answered "no". He hangs out with good kids (with the exception of the neighbor kid) I think with the oral stuff DS states it was like 1 times "lick" kind of deal. I think both of them were "experimenting" and he didn't actually have "sex" with her but he did stick it down by her. DS now knows what he did was wrong and I know he won't ever do anything like that again. I hate the waiting around not knowing what's gonna happen. I'm sure he'll have to go to therapy and DH and I both agree we can handle that. We just don't want this label placed on him from a stupid mistake he made at the age of 11. I also hate that he cannot be around his cousins 8 year old girl and 12 year old boy. They probably both hate him now and their mom will make sure they never get around him. I'm hoping the SA will at least say its okay at christmastime and holidays.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby gwilly » Wed Sep 15, 2010 3:28 am

Seems to me that while this is a serious issue that needs to be taken care of, it is not the end of the world. I'm not even sure if it is actually a crime even. They are only three years apart, and being similar in size and all that, along with them being children, I could understand them possibly not considering the age difference nor the meanings of their actions.

Don't let witch-hunters scare you. Just because the girl is a bit younger does not make him an abuser or anything else. Not that I'm diminishing the issue either, it does have some implications, but I don't see it as worth someone pitching a gigantic fit over. Doing that might actually cause problems for him (and her too).
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby flutterflies » Wed Sep 15, 2010 3:39 pm

Gwilly-that is exactly the way I feel. DS now knows how important this is and that he is not off the hook. I just don't think at the time he was thinking what he was doing was a criminal act. Stupidly on mine and DH part we never had any kind of "sex" talk with him. I had just told DH about 6 months to a year ago that we are going to talk with our kids. We were not going to be like our parents who never said a word to us. The sex talk from my mom was at age 17 with the question "you're not having sex are you?" with my now DH. That was it.

The mom always blows everything out of proportion and this is not the only thing. She got a divorce from BIL because he started going to church. I am not kidding. She claimed some kind of "emotional trauma" He wanted to work it out but she wanted no part of it. Also 2 years ago BIL was seriously injured in a car accident (he is now paralyzed/wheelchair) with the kids in the car but they were not seriously hurt. When he talked about getting a vehicle set up to start driving again, she told him the kids WILL NOT be allowed in the car with him and she will take him to court if he tries (it was just an accident, its not like he was drinking and driving or anything??) And the funny thing about that she had her own wreck (ran into the back of somebody but the kids were not with her) Claims she doesn't have any money for the kids for back to school supplies but proceeds to drive a few hundred miles to meet some friend she found on the internet. And before BIL can move out he has to pay a $2,000 utility bill that she ran up and never paid after she made him move out during the divorece. I know none of this is relevant (and I feel like the witch writing it all down--I'm usually VERY non-confrontation, but here on the internet where nobody knows me I feel free to let my feelings out) I just want you to know how she will drive this as high as she can go. I am sad that these cousins will never be allowed together again. (I'm hoping they'll make a few exceptions)

Anyway, its still a waiting game. Found out about this last wed. Went to the police on friday and now it is wed. again and we are waiting on a call from the states attorney. I guess there's a chance this will have to go to court. DS will have an attorney appointed to him. I'm hoping it doesn't but I don't know how this stuff works.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby JackCrow » Thu Sep 16, 2010 11:52 pm

This isn't abuse, it's kids being kids. Something very similar happened with me and a neighbor girl around that age. We were both just curious - and it was just as you said, we kind of knew it was "naughty" but it never even entered our heads that it'd be criminal. It was totally just natural curiosity, and I'm sure it's not that unusual.

I hope to god the attorneys / authorities do not make your child go to court or anything. Sounds like the daughter's mom is the most unhinged in all this - I bet the kids themselves would be over it by now if they weren't being hauled to police stations and treated like criminals. They're just kids!! It's SO maddening. Best of luck with this.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby watching&waiting » Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:11 pm

JackCrow wrote:I bet the kids themselves would be over it by now if they weren't being hauled to police stations and treated like criminals. They're just kids!! It's SO maddening. Best of luck with this.

Okay, and in 3-4 years when the girl is having to deal with knowing she was violated by one of her peers, what then? Would you have the same tone about the boy?
No, probably not.

You can't sit here and say that their is NO ONE who has been molested or otherwise by a peer as a child.

I do agree that her mother has some other issues going on, but Your Son Was Wrong To Touch That Girl.

How do YOU know she wasn't talked into it by your son? How do you know she wanted it too?

This "playing doctor" crap isn't normal, as much as anyone wants to say otherwise when their the outsider. KIDS DON'T DO IT. Not unless one party is seriously disturbed. Kids that age are far too young and I think your son needs help if he's trying to have sex with the neighborhood girl.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby flutterflies » Mon Sep 20, 2010 5:19 pm

watching and waiting-thank you for your input on this also. I agree my son was wrong. I never said "oh, son its not a big deal" or anything like that. His dad and I flipped out on him. We cried. We had long talks. He admitted everything right from the start. He did tell me that this girl told him some things what to do. Now, I know that just sounds like he's making that up but that is also what he told the police and nothing else in there gave me reason to think he was lying. He admitted it was 6 or 7 times and he admitted other stuff. He knows he was wrong. We are not taking this lightly. However, as I mentioned before this girl at least knew that "sex" created a baby b/c a while back my younger son came and told me "bailey" told him this.

Why do you think its impossible for this girl to have been an active part in this? Why do you think it was all my son and she was just an innocent victim? (because that's the normal way it usually happens?)Yes, my son knew he was being "naughty" but I assure you he never dreamed it was something this bad. He is not "demented" or anything strange like that. We had a talk with our younger kids ages 8 and 5 about the "no touch" and my 8 year old DS said "I know mom they told us that in school" So based on this alone, I know the 8 year old girl (will be 9 next month) also knew they were being "naughty". She pulled down her own pants. Her dad lives right inside and its never stopped her before to come and tattle on somebody if she thought they were doing wrong. Now, that doesn't mean I put any blame on her at all. I'm not. I'm saying they both did this. They both were being "naughty". However because my son is older at 11 he is being treated like a criminal like he was a 30 year old man. Everyday after school he asked me "did anybody call yet mom" He is sooo scared. He knows this is serious but I also don't like the fact he's being treated like a criminal and the girl a victim. I think this could have been handled differently. I agree they are too old to be playing "doctor" but the mom is making this more serious by her freaking out. This is my son and I love him. He did wrong and now he knows better.

Like I said I'm not condoning anything he did, and if this had been say a 4 year old I would think my kid was in need of serious help instead of 2 kids being "naughty" together. I know you're probably thinking well you're his mom so of course you are going to believe everything he says and of course we don't know what the girl said but his story has never changed and even the other day I pulled him back in his bedroom and said will you please tell me if you ever forced her or if she said no. You won't be in any more trouble I just really need to know. And he said no mom I promise everything I told you is the truth. Like I said from the first time we asked him he confirmed everything. Never said No mom she's lying or anything like that, so I just have to trust that this is the truth. He is a good kid and made a bad mistake. But he is only 11, not 30 I really think that needs to be taken into account. Neither he nor she had no idea this was THAT serious.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby Avariciousness » Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:10 am

[...]
Last edited by Avariciousness on Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My 11 year old son an abuser??

Postby flutterflies » Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:14 pm

Thanks for your reply, too avaricousness. Yes, I did cry in front of him....at the police station. We've never had to deal with anything like that so yeah, it was pretty scary. I would have LOVED to handle this like rational adults with no police or children's services involved. Unfortunately as you can see, the girls mom is not someone you wanna mess with. I hate the fact that he cannot be around his cousin anymore. His mom said that and even the police said that. I personally think its retarded cause its not like he attacked her or anything. She would be perfectly safe if she came over here. Heck, I could leave them alone in a room and I could guarantee he would not do anything. I'm sorry for trouble that your family gave you when you were little. I would never do that to my kids.

As far as kids masturbating, yes he does it and his 8 year old brother does it (not caught the 5 year old yet). I have caught them laying on their bellies sometimes "flopping". I told him (in the midst of all of this) that was perfectly natural thing to do in your bedroom/bathroom just not to touch other people (which he's never done before which is why he didn't realize it was the big of deal as it is) Like you he knew he was being "naughty" but also not sinister, like you put it.

It's been 2 weeks since we've been to the police station and we are still waiting on word from the states attorney. I keep thinking maybe she'll just drop it but the police acted like we'd have to go to court. I'll update again as soon as we hear something.
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