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If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

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If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby BeingHuman » Sat Sep 04, 2010 3:44 am

I don’t actually know where to start. There's a lot of things that have happened and I'm not even sure what to describe them as. I just know they are nowhere near as horrific or frightening as the other experiences on here.

So I suppose I'm after some sort of understanding as to what it was and the way that I am now.

I am trying to pick out how old I was by what I was wearing – for some odd reason I can remember specific outfits that trigger how old I must have been, which sometimes just confuses what did or didn’t come first.
The first was by my elder cousin, who must have been in his early twenties. I was about 7. I don’t remember how we got upstairs i remember it being something like I’ve a secret/something to tell you. And craving the attention of just anyone I went with him. We went into one of my brothers rooms, he sat me on the bed and said take your trousers off. I had a feeling this was wrong somehow and said no. He tried to fiddle with them a bit but I wouldn’t so he told me to lie down as he was going to show me something nice. He then got on top of me and started rubbing himself on me and I could feel something between my legs...I didn’t know what it was but now I know obviously it was his erection. He then started rubbing me between the legs with his hand asking if I liked it, when I said no/don’t know he said not to worry one day I’ll find out that I really liked it and he was just teaching me...I don’t recall liking it nor feeling what it was he said I should be...he carried on like that on top of me rubbing himself, and his hand supposedly on my clitoris. When he was finished he got off and said it was our little secret and not to tell anyone else, otherwise he wouldn't tell me anymore secrets, then he disappeared downstairs.

There was no penetration and he didn’t even touch my bare skin....so I struggle to label what this incident was.

I remember though, that as I lay there, I was thinking this must be what - I dunno- ‘sex’ is and it had something to do with the what I did to myself when I masturbated. For years I thought he triggered me into masturbating but then (using outfits as a timeline again) I realised I was already masturbating from the age of 4. I was already quite highly sexualized by then. I remember getting into bed with one brother around the age of 4, he was naked and I ‘liked’ that idea... I remember masturbating and enjoying the feeling...rubbing myself (clitoris) up and down to get that ‘feeling’. I obviously didn’t know what it was but knew I liked it, but somehow knew it was wrong too, as I was caught out once by one of my other brothers and remember being highly ashamed by it.

I then remember going at it like a rabbit whenever I had a chance and the coast was clear. I then got my younger (female) cousins in on the act, by rubbing myself up against them till I came to orgasm. This remembers is all before I’m 8yrs old. Somehow my nephew got involved (3 yrs younger than me) who liked to touch and caress my ass. I let him because in exchange he let me pinch him as a comfort thing (pinching his skin under my fingernails, I still do it now when I don’t realise it, I’m 33.) I remember when I was 9 getting up close and personal with another brother (2yrs older) in bed whilst he was naked and trying to get him to put his ‘thing’ inside me because I wanted to know and do what the adults did. Thank god he had enough sense not to....

The worse thing I remember doing is this: during my childhood we had to go and have religious education (outside of school) and at about 10/11 yrs old, I was moved again to a new place to be taught. We were taught by a man this time and one by one we had to go up, sit in front of him, place our books on the bench in front and read to him. Not long into this new place, I felt something rubbing against my knees and trying to part them. I resisted the first few times and then- I am so ashamed to admit, I then let him part my legs and fondle my genitals... I didn’t know how he was doing it as I could see his hands above the table...a few times later I realised it was his foot...and I kept letting him do it, I even (oh god) rubbed hard up against him so I could ‘feel good’.....

He then escalated to putting his hands down my pants and fondling my clitoris and I never once stopped him. I (oh my god again) looked forward to going up and making sure I sat, where he could get at me. He then left for a few weeks , some other guy came in, who was rumoured to be ‘that type of man’ and for god’s sake I willing went up to investigate if he'd do the same to me – he didn’t.
My family being a conservative religious background; sex was dirty, not talked about and certainly not seen on TV. With me being left out of things as my siblings were mostly 10yrs and above older than me, I always wanted to be with and know what my brothers were up to. But being a girl that wasn’t ‘allowed’. And apparently being such a ‘cute ‘ little girl some of my brothers friends/cousins were quite taken by me....but that was probably because at 7yrs old I wanted them to ‘do things to me’ too.

My sex drive still rampant and when I hit 16, a 22 yr old woman made a pass at me; I loved the almost sexual play fighting we had and reciprocated. I learnt about love from her, and ended up being with women for the next 12 years of my life – in complete secret. Strange considering I didn’t really find women attractive. Whereas I knew I fancied men. I was just too scared to go that far, mainly religious reasons I suppose. I discovered men at 28 with an excruciating painful experience with one eventual boyfriend, who I couldn’t even say stop to, even when I was almost in tears with the pain and crying out.

By now I’d discovered pornography and was getting really aroused by abused women, women in pain and basically being raped. I knew by this point I fantasised about being tied up, abused and raped, but was terrified at it actually ever happening to me, but I like to see it happen to other women. Films with assault or rape scenes arouse me, even if they are horrific. I have dreams/nightmares about my cousin coming back and ‘finishing’ the job off because I told our secret to my sister, I dream about killing him and the other men I let touch me up as a kid but get aroused when actually watching women being abused?? Any story that relates to a sexual assault I’m obsessed by it, either by it being me, me watching it, and scarily sometimes I dream that I am the man that is abusing these women...Why? What on earth is wrong with me that I would be aroused by any of this or that I would be aroused by inflicting pain on another woman???? I have never done this to any person in real life and certainly wouldn’t wish to, because in actual fact i don’t like having painful sex, rough maybe but not like the stuff that turns me on....my boyfriend just thinks ‘i’m up for anything’ i just think I’m highly sexualised and sometimes fear I don’t know where the boundaries are in keeping him happy........

My b/friend doesn’t know any of this, and my sister only knows about the first incident as a kid...so now that I’ve put it all together I feel so ashamed, i cant tell anyone this, especially since i went back to these people and let it happen again and again...

I know non of this is penetrative (except my boyfriends only 2 ive trusted enough to sleep with) and so not a horrific case, but I feel like I'm going mad i my little head about wanting to watch men inflicting pain on women, an the fact that i'm convinced there was another incident and for th life of me i cannot remember any detail of it and sometimes wonder if it indeed is not real...

I apologise for such a long post, i felt like i needed to express this all finally....
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby Celty » Sun Sep 05, 2010 12:25 pm

Sexuality and sexual preferences can be developed from experiences, but I believe some preferences are hardwired into us from the start. Fantasies about people being tied up and "abused" even if you don't want it to happen to yourself are common, there is a BDSM (Bondage and Sadomasochism) community basically wherever you go in the US (unless it's an ultra-conservative area, then you might have to do some digging). While the abuse you went through seems terrifying and very confusing, there is nothing "wrong" with your fantasies. If your fantasies scare you or bother you I recommend seeking therapy from someone who has background in sexuality to help you either accept your fantasies (even if you only accept them inwardly) or to help you move on.

If you do decide to embrace your sexual preferences I recommend becoming comfortable with who you are as a person. If you enjoy porn and masturbation there are many large porn sites, like pornhub, that have categories specifically devoted to bondage, and it's perfectly legal to watch to your heart's content. Also, depending on where you live, there are many bondage clubs across the country. For the most part they are very welcoming and accepting, they generally have some dancing, floor demonstrations that club goers can participate in if they want, and can be very educational. For a general review of bondage clubs and bondage I recommend this video: http://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen#p ... 2BH6bAPdCk

I believe therapy might help you to understand why you enjoy what you enjoy, but it's important for you to know that your fantasies aren't wrong, that there are other people who have the same kinds of fantasies. I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby barnaby » Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:31 pm

Hi. Like the previous post said, don't be alarmed by what you feel and think, you'd be amazed how many share it and the desire for pain (kinky sex) is encouraged to be embraced by the psychology bods with a few caveats. However I don't hold entirely with the hard wired theory. You must be sure of your motive, do you want to enjoy pain for what it is or relive it for what it was. I am boringly respectable and cruising into the menopause but I do share some of you feelings and have empathy for your youth. It was explained to me like this. I was abused age three and raped age four. Three is a pivotal age when you acquired learned behaviour from your environment, you copy to gain understanding. At 7 you are thrust into the wider world and your learned behaviours go with you. The greater learned behaviour I learned from my abuser was stored in my head influencing my understanding of sex. When I was old enough to have equal understanding to that of my abuser I could relate to and share his sexual drivers regardless of my opinion of them. In puberty your brain reconfigures itself and you create the template for adulthood. That's why teenagers rebel, its natural. In reconfiguring the learned behaviours are picked up and you run with them. They are yours until you figure out what to do with them. At age 12 I was up for anything, my sex drive was off the scale and I craved pain. I would do anything to gt it even invite my father back to carry on where he left off. By adulthood I was very aware of the images in my head and the pleasure I felt if I stared at them for too long. It was my choice, to join my fathers crusade or not. I chose not, but the images stayed. I fell back on my insatiable and largely unrequited desire for pain. Whats in your head is yours to keep or dispose of, to act on or not act on. I spent absolutely ages trying to reason those images and all the feelings that went with them against my core beliefs and how I acted in the wider world and finally decided they were not for me and they went away. But the desire for controlled pain stayed, if it makes me smile its mine.
Life is a learning curve and everything you have ever done or felt can be explained if you think about it.
I was also told if you feel it then its true and what you know is normal. Give yourself a break, fathom who you are and what makes you tick. You fear your head too much, the answer lies in understanding and seeing where the contents fit in you makeup. From what you have said you would never act on your thoughts they are just fantasy, if that's true and you definitely decide they would enhance pleasure for pleasures sake then use them. Try to reason where they came from and realise their true nature, my reasoning led me to see that they were not in fact mine and therefore not part of me and therefore disposable but you aren't me, we are all individuals built for diversity. Talk to your man, decide what you might like and try it, but do it together and stop feeling ashamed. Get props, whatever makes you happy but be sure of motive. Pain for pleasure not pain for pain and play safe. Have a secret word you can use to stop everything if you are at all unsure. If all else fails talk to an expert and let them help you fathom it out. Love yourself first and the rest will follow. Good luck and have fun.
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby Onebravegirl » Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:33 am

WOW Barnaby, wow.
I like your thoughts so much.
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby Nanashi » Tue Oct 05, 2010 4:35 pm

Does anyone think if it came to her giving into the bondage, it could escalate into something she does not expect? Inflicting/being inflicted with pain is not natural at all. My personal suggestion is to speak with someone professional and learn where these fantasies are coming from and have them treated. Do not allow yourself to be "fetishized" by your desires. Control them, do not let them control you. With love.
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby Dove91801 » Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:41 pm

I agree with Nanashi. You should get help. Pain isn't naturally something you should want to see or feel yourself. Sometimes we need to step back and see where we have been hurt ourselves and how it has affected us. I strongly suggest you seek therapy.

My situation with my own sexual abuse is similar to yours. I was 9 years old. Exposure to sex in this way at an age where you are a child is just wrong. You can't compare yourself to others and say that it isn't a horrific case. Each of our cases are our own personal tragedies and just because it may not be as bad as it could have been, it still messes you up because it is wrong for someone to violate your innocence. I have found with myself that I had lots of anger at my parents for not protecting me from this or having a clue that it went on.
It seems like as a child you were seeking attention because you felt deprived. I wonder if your craving for sexual things when you were a child was actually because you were lacking attention from your parents?
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Re: If I was molested, why do I get aroused by watching pain?

Postby BeingHuman » Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:43 am

Thank you all for your posts, I didn’t receive any emails to say I had any replies and haven’t checked until now, so apologies for lack of response.

Attention - yes I lacked it. I’m the youngest in a family of 7, my elder sister in fact felt more like my mother, than my own mother. From age 9 to 12 my parents disappeared to another country and left me in the care of my older siblings.
In my adult life; relationships and even random one night stands/flirting I do feel I use my sexuality to gain attention still. In some stupid situations I have tried to use sex to fix things when they have gone bad. I’ve used it as a weapon, and on bad days I do think that is all I am worth. I know it’s not, but I can’t sometimes help the way I feel. I noticed over the years that I have openly become a very tactile person, with friends, family and my man. Big hugs with family/ friends some say a little too close when hugging. When I look at it my man wise, possibly even needy – I don’t ask for anything, just when I’m in his private presence, I only feel completely relaxed and at ease if I am in constant contact with him – somehow touching him be it little or constant stroking. Thankfully he likes it, every other last relationship absolutely hated the constant touch.

I have nothing against bondage I am fairly open minded, and I have been to a fair websites to try understand these feelings...but to be really honest it scares me. I can watch it but I worry about the pain inflicted on me. I have had fairly rough sex with my man and sometimes he just bites too hard / spanking does nothing for me, but I’ve noticed it does something for him, which then turns me on...bit of a circle situation, but feeling the pain wise does nothing for me. It’s the watching of certain situations that turns me on...

I can actually say that I feel a little reassured and more comfortable with my thoughts and situation, after reading all your posts. It actually makes sense when I think back at what I was doing - me copying to understand. I'm a little unsure how to fit it into my current make up- I think with the therapy I have had for other issues I‘ve sort of just accepted it is part of me, even if I don’t understand it and so unless I’m on a downer of sorts, I try not to ponder -where I am today-has come from. I have to I suppose be grateful that I enjoy sex a lot and am very open to new things....
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