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Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

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Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby jazz2010 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:49 pm

Hi,

I'm 26 years old and I was sexually molested from the age of 12-15 by my brother in law. I have Disclosed this to many people. First was my sister(NOT the one who's married to the abuser, I have 2 sisters), who believed me but then she also made jokes about his genitals. The second was my therapist that I had for 3 months and she was very understanding and nice about it but since then, every day I have thought about the abuse and I have felt worse. She asked me a few more questions and concluded that I was over it, which I think I was but now its really bad. I can't stop thinking about it, crying about it, squeezing my genitals when the thought comes in disgust...

And now I finally told my mother over the phone today. Her response was a complete shock and I was asked "Wow. You never told me this. NEVER. No one will believe you". She believed me but she concluded no one would believe me because 5 years ago this same person fought with me and I was staying in my sister and his house, and he kicked me out of his house with a false accusation of something I didn't do. So now, everyone will think I'm taking out my revenge by accusing him of abuse. But he really did do it.

And now I'm super weirded out by telling my mom about this, it feels really odd. And I just can't get it out of my head. I wanna stop thinking about it. I read on this forum that you could do activities but there is always going to be a time when i have to come home and do work alone and it haunts me. It haunts me MORE after disclosing it to my therapist! I Don't know what to do! :(
Last edited by jazz2010 on Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby CrackedGirl » Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:46 pm

Dear jazz2010,

I am so sorry about what happened to you and that you are struggling. Disclosure can be hard. I still have not told that many ppl in "real" life. Most have been supportive but some have been really awful, and the main one I mean by that is my mother. She was not supportive in the slightest and even went as far as to say that in the country I was abused things were culturally different as an explanation. I don't know why she was like this, maybe it was shock, who knows. What I have found is that when it comes to working through things and it sounds like you still need to, I stick to supportive ppl I have told. I still talk to mum about other things and have a relationship with her, it is just I know that talking about this is not going to lead to anywhere good.

I also wanted to say that having a bad reaction from someone important when you disclose something as painful as this is awful. I felt bad for a long time and I think it is a natural reaction. I still don't feel great remembering the conversation. Do you have supportive friends who know? Or friends you feel you could tell? These are the ppl you need. I have also found meeting ppl on the internet who are going through similar things helps.

Hope at least some of this helps

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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby jazz2010 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:09 pm

Hi Cracked, thank you for sharing your feelings.

I don't have any close friends. I have moved around so much in the past 2 years (3 different states) that its been super difficult trying to build lasting friendships. I also don't know if this is because Its difficult for me to make close friends because I come from a dysfunctional family (all I've received is constant criticism throughout my childhood and tillnow, i'm constantly being told to change my behavior when i stand up for myself when something happens or someone treats me badly) and it takes me a while to trust people. I'm by nature very friendly, otherwise. Some of the friendly people I meet end up being insensitive and so I never really open up to them or continue friendships with them.

I had one close friend for 2 years and then I realized I wasn't happy with her because I felt like I was being constantly manipulated and criticized, it always had to be her way or I'd have to listen to her complain and roar. So I decided to distance away from her. And now I'm left all alone.
I dated a guy for the past year, we only met up on weekends because it was long distance, and due to that also I wasn't able to really go out and meet people, I was completely dependent on him for emotional support which he couldn't provide too much of. When I told him I think I had been depressed for 10 years, he started comparing other's pain with me, and started invalidating my feelings and blaming me for not doing anything. Then I saw a therapist for 3 months who helped me a little.

But now I don't have a therapist and I'm also moving to another country in 3 weeks and the mental health system there is crappy, really crappy and I'm afraid that I'm gonna be all alone again :(

I'm having the hardest time dealing with loneliness, feeling really alone, not feeling like anyone understands me, not able to open up to anyone, and then there is this sexual abuse stuff going on in my head. I love my parents dearly but I don't feel like opening up to them. Anytime I have opened up to them when someone has been mean to me, they've always criticized me, that I'm doing something wrong and I shouldn't break relationships but there aren't any great relationships for me to keep!
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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby CrackedGirl » Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:36 pm

Dear jazz2010,

Sorry things are so tough in all these ways. Do you want to say where you are going, because if it is the UK, the MH system is on the whole not as bad as ppl say! Anyhow, I understand a bit about the friend stuff. What interests you? For me a big thing is music and writing songs or working in a music group. When you move to where you are going one way of making friends (and you can do it slowly) could be to google something that interests you in the local area to join a group. I know this sounds super scary but it can help, it has def helped me and others I know. If you feel up to it you could also google local counselling or therapy services. My therapy is free from a charity similar to Rape Crisis who also deal with CSA.

These are just ideas and remember that there is the internet too, which can be a powerful tool to help you, like here.

Thinking of you

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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby jazz2010 » Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:14 am

Thanks for the concern cracked. I'm actually based in US and I'll be moving to India, I really don't trust the services there in the sense that they wouldn't keep it private ( i just don't feel comfortable seeing an indian one, i'm indian so I know how the culture is there.)

I'm feeling all sorts of mixed emotions. The one question that keeps popping up in my head is "WHY ME?" and it just won't go away. Not only was I sexually molested, that person also manipulated me and my family in the worst way ever. He made me look so bad and made me look like I had behavior issues (stubbornness and bad moods) when I was a kid that even if I ever had told anyone as a kid (which I wouldn't have) I would have been blamed as a LIAR. And all in all, he kept tricking me and telling me don't ever tell anyone this and this and that. and its making me SO angry that I listened to him!

Also, I feel terrible for disclosing this to my mother. I know her feelings are hers but in a way I feel like by disclosing this I'm naked and ashamed and embarrassed and she's gonna be crying about why this happened to her daughter. She's a worry wart and I think she's depressed and I feel like I made her more depressed. I also worry about my father who's a stroke patient and I don't know if she's told him and it would really hurt him and I'm worried about any physical damage since he's handicapped this could do to him.

But on the other hand, if I wouldn't tell them, then my certain behaviors against this person (like I say I hate him and I don't want to be around him) looks totally crazy to them if they wouldn't know this one piece of truth that he abused me.


I don't know how to handle this anger, depression, depresson about my mom's feelings, and the WHY me question, and the wanting to change the past. I just don't know how to do it and I just don't know where to go and I really don't know what kinds of friends I would make in India. There, these things are so dirty and looked down upon, if i opened up to anyone, it would be like a stain on my reputation and I'm very concerned about that.
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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby jazz2010 » Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:32 am

One of the other reasons I'm angry is also because I feel now because of that bastard, I'm having other psychological issues such as depression and anxiety and most probably post stress disorder... I hate him so much!
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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:34 am

Dear Jazz2010

I want to relpy to this properly but it is 4am here so will send hugs for now and reply late

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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:37 am

jazz2010 wrote:One of the other reasons I'm angry is also because I feel now because of that bastard, I'm having other psychological issues such as depression and anxiety and most probably post stress disorder... I hate him so much!



Hating him is totally understandable. Have you tried writing a letter to him saying what you feel about him and how you would like to punish him etc. Can be very cathartic.

OK sleep for me I hope. Will reply prooperly tom

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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby CrackedGirl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:55 pm

Dear jazz2010,

jazz2010 wrote:Thanks for the concern cracked. I'm actually based in US and I'll be moving to India, I really don't trust the services there in the sense that they wouldn't keep it private ( i just don't feel comfortable seeing an indian one, i'm indian so I know how the culture is there.)


I can understand your anxiety about moving to a different country, even if you know it. I am not Indian but have worked with a lot of Indian Drs and from what they say the private health care there sounds better than here - though this is in medicine or obs and gynae or anaesthetics, so don't know for sure about psych. But may be worth looking into.

jazz2010 wrote:I'm feeling all sorts of mixed emotions. The one question that keeps popping up in my head is "WHY ME?" and it just won't go away. Not only was I sexually molested, that person also manipulated me and my family in the worst way ever. He made me look so bad and made me look like I had behavior issues (stubbornness and bad moods) when I was a kid that even if I ever had told anyone as a kid (which I wouldn't have) I would have been blamed as a LIAR. And all in all, he kept tricking me and telling me don't ever tell anyone this and this and that. and its making me SO angry that I listened to him!


You are bound to be feeling many emotions including really strong ones that it is difficult to know what to do with. I do and it is hard. Best advice is find an outlet e,g, here so you can write down what you are feeling in a safe and supportive space. This can include screaming. Or you can punch pillows or I find breaking glass in a recyc bin helps some. The Why Me question, I am really sorry I don't know and you may never find out. But it was awful that for whatever reason this happened to you. Ppl who abuse manipulate and that is not your fault. You were a kid. You have a right to be angry but please try not to be angry at yourself as it isnot your fault.

jazz2010 wrote:Also, I feel terrible for disclosing this to my mother. I know her feelings are hers but in a way I feel like by disclosing this I'm naked and ashamed and embarrassed and she's gonna be crying about why this happened to her daughter. She's a worry wart and I think she's depressed and I feel like I made her more depressed. I also worry about my father who's a stroke patient and I don't know if she's told him and it would really hurt him and I'm worried about any physical damage since he's handicapped this could do to him.


Disclosure is always difficult, to whoever it is and parents are at the top of the difficult list I think. Have you disclosed to anyone who is actively supporting you? Places like here can support you.
Disclosures that do not go the way you want or envisage them to go can be difficult to get over and in my experience time and not talking about it is the only thing that works (my mum was the person it went wrong with)


jazz2010 wrote:But on the other hand, if I wouldn't tell them, then my certain behaviors against this person (like I say I hate him and I don't want to be around him) looks totally crazy to them if they wouldn't know this one piece of truth that he abused me.


Wanting to justify your behaviour and also get the person into trouble are entirely understandable but are complicated by how ppl are going to respond to disclosure. I am sorry I don't have an answer for that.

jazz2010 wrote:I don't know how to handle this anger, depression, depresson about my mom's feelings, and the WHY me question, and the wanting to change the past. I just don't know how to do it and I just don't know where to go and I really don't know what kinds of friends I would make in India. There, these things are so dirty and looked down upon, if i opened up to anyone, it would be like a stain on my reputation and I'm very concerned about that.


I think the first answer to that is that you should not try to do it all on your own. There are options and until you figure out how things work in India there is here. Then there stilll will be here but maybe also a therapist too as it sounds like that would really help you. BTW I don't think my Indian colleagues and friends would judge you, I think they would want to help you. You are not dirty. Your abuser is.

I hope at least some of this helps.

Hugs

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Re: Feeling Terrible after Disclosure of Sexual Abuse

Postby jazz2010 » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:56 pm

Hi Cracked,

Thanks so much for breaking it all down. Private healthcare in India is good but its nothing compared to the UK or US. Also, psychiatrists and psychologists in India make the lowest income in all of healthcare and I don't feel they receive good training there.

My main concern with the psychologists is lack of trust. I don't feel like I can trust them to keep the information I give to them. I would feel they would discuss it outside our therapy sessions, just because of the culture.

Also, a secondary concern is that once I did see a psychiatrist and I went to get tested for ADHD because I felt I had it and he literally laughed in my face and was like "Wow, I've never seen someone like this. You don't have ADHD, you're fine! ADHD people are stupid and you don't look stupid.. etc etc" and then 3 years later in US, I got diagnosed with ADHD.

Its like he dismissed my concerns and didn't even test me and found it funny that a young woman came to him with such a concern because the problem is, in India, people don't know of a lot of psychiatric disorders and if you tell them about it, they will think its some huge disease like you're crazy or something. Like if i told them i have anxiety disorder, they will freak out, not the psychiatrists but normal people. From this, what I'm trying to convey is that there is very limited knowledge and limited openness in the people there when it comes to disorders and anything concerned with the mind.
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