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My Story of recent Incest

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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My Story of recent Incest

Postby verysad » Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:42 pm

I feel very uncomfortable, not because I am telling the public this information about me (because I do sometimes feel like I want to scream it and make others no that this exist for me) but because I have been reading some of these stories and feel like how can I compare? Not that I am comparing myself to others in a way that is inappropriate but I feel like so many people in this forum have had so much of their innocence, their young lives, and positive environment taken away from them, and here I come in talking about myself, a person who grew up in a nice, loving and environment and who I believe was subjected to incest at an adult age. It doesn't seem fair or right to compare myself to anyone in the room. Of course, everyone story in here is unique and I just want to say that I am so sorry that anyone here had to experience anything dreadful. I truly just wish nothing terribble ever happened to anyone, especially those in this room.

Like I said I am a bit uncomfortable but I am late to work as well, lol, and so I think I need to jsut be out with it. My dad was sick with cancer from when I was 14 years old. This is my very first traumatic experience that may have made me more vulnerable and subjected to my brother later on. My brother is 7 years older than me. When I was 19 yrs. I met my first and only boyfriend who I am still with, he is my first love and first for a lot of things that I think you can assume here. WHen I was 20 yrs old, I was working in the same internship I am working in now but as a tour guide in a large museum, walking around for four hours a day, and taking night classes, I was at home for the summer from school and it was my first time in a while being around my dad as well in his sick state, but anyway I was dealing with lots of exhaustion. So, one friday I believe, when I was in this program suffering from exhaustion, I also seem to be having lots of funny sleeping patterns as well, but anyway I stayed up really late even though i was exhausted to the wee hrs of the morning just wathcing cartoons in the living room. umm, my boyfriend wasn't around and I was in the living room, misisng him and trying to get rid of some very sexual feelings. After doing that, I still felt sort of sexual to be honest and I was so tired to the point where I was just falling asleep instantaneously. After that I walked past my brother's room and he invited me in to watch more cartoons, I had such a strong feeling to not go into the room but I did. i was cautious at first whcih is weird because its my brother and then i layed down in front of him because he said that i could. I wasn't facing him. When i laid down i did ask him to rub my back, i think with my dad being sick and no male, meaning my bf wasn't around, i wanted male attention. However, when he was rubbing my back i experienced the same thing when I was in the living room where I could not stay awake and i was in a altered stayed between sleep at times and dreaminess. I think can assume what happened, I never faced my brother and I am sickened to say that i had sexual pleasure from it. In my head in this state of mind, i dissassociated that it was my brother and that it was some weird dream thing. When he was done I just got up and ran to my room and fell right to sleep. when I woke up, i started walking i felt sexual relief and i though oh, that was a dream and then as i was walking i was thinking may be it wasnt'/. I was so scared, frightened, shamed, and yelling a myself, feeling inner torture, like i couldn't breath. When I saw my brother i didnt't say anything because I thought it still might be a dream, I wasn'tr eally sure. Then he said, "yea, just lets never talk about that again." Than, I was just taken back and did a lot of nervous laughter and just joked with him, Unfortunately, i internalized it as "its just sex, I don't have to worry about it. Like, I got pleasure out of it so waht." this was my way fo rationalizing it. Unfortuantely the next night, the same thing happened, I was in the living room and found myself in the room with him. I walked back into the room with him. I think like i said before, i internalized it a certain way, i also figured you already did it, and i let him do it again. The entire time it was happening though before I think it started I already disassociated that it was him and I was in a altered state, where I wasn't really there with him, to the point that I thought I was with my boyfriend (my boyfriend was away for the week I beleive). The day after that, I was upset and I walked by the room before I went to bed and my brother said aren't you going to come in and I just shook my head know and for the first time i realized what we were doing and i was really severely frightened by my brother. ANd i jsut ran to my room. The day after that my brother put his hand on me and asked if I was okay? I jsut shook my head yes. Later on when my boyfriend came back from his trip, i remember saying to myself, its okay you can break up with him eventually and he never has to know that you cheated on him, and so will accept you for it eventually. After I said that I literally blocked it out of my life.

I did remember it here and there but I was able to ignore it. My daddy passed away last year in september. I think that is what triggered the memory that I was able to hide. As you can assume I am experiencing a lot of close traumatic experiences and ptsd. I have tried so hard my entire life to always listen to my gut and the one time i thought why, or i jsut can't right now is the time when i needed to listen the most. it just teribble. I also have always been a very moral person in the sense i don't believe in harming others, and i believe that people are good, and i don't believe in cheating or incest within this culture because in can cause so many problems for individuals. I have always had a good relationship wiht my brother, who said this never happened (which by the way I've called in consentsual and everything in between in a way that is not an accussation). My brother says that he loves me and all that but its hard to feel that way. Also, I feel so angry at him sometimes and then other times i don't. I have confronted him, my mom, my sister, and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is the only one who believes me. This upset me even more because he says i believe you but i am just following your lead on it, he is amazing, he is always there for me,and my best friend, and he is the one who has to suffer with me the most i feel. I also told two freinds who have been very supportive and i just wish i could tell everyone, but I don't know how they will respond. But i really have to go. thank you for listening i know this is a mouthful.
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Re: My Story of recent Incest

Postby ------- » Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:58 pm

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Last edited by ------- on Fri Aug 20, 2010 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
It takes two people to speak the truth: One to speak and another to hear.--Henry David Thoreau
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Re: My Story of recent Incest

Postby verysad » Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:51 pm

Thanks we'reREAL, I appreciate that. After I first recalled this memory in fullblast, I went straight to therapy and psychiatry. I see a social worker now who is very helpful two times a week. Its really challenging for me because as I said before I still see my brother, I feel like i was taken advantage of, and I have such conflicting emotions. For instance, I know its sexual abuse but I still feel like I shouldn't have responded that way and that it was my fault. Though my therapist reminds me when I have these moments htat it is not cheating that is something different and that I was in a vulnerable position. I really appreciate her insight on this but it doesn't make those feelings of shame go away or that I can talk to anyone about it. i really am glad that I found this website so that I can talk to people who have some experience with this in their own right. I am also experience problems with my bf, like i said my bf is incredible and it jz teribble to feel that this could happen and that I don't get to be with him anymore, or that I feel scared and panicked when I am intimate with him. It just scared to feel like you can't trust yourself, or the people around you or that people aren't instantly objective or supportive to your situation. Its incredibly destructive. Like I said, I really appreciate your response and I really appreciate that you think that I have a positive quality, it lets me know that I am a person with good qualities even when I don't feel at my best. So thank you again :-)
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Re: My Story of recent Incest

Postby ysteph » Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:23 pm

When a brother-sister couple get into a parent-loosing situation, as you did, and they feel strong interdependence than this type of mild incestuous behavior and sensation happen frequently. I have heard about more serious stories than yours. You should not feel guilty about it, and do not be uncertain about your relationship with your boyfriend. I think, your brother sees this situation better than you. He just wanted to give you some relax, what you really needed, and unfortunately you built up a big problem from it. So, please, just cool down and continue you life without any inner unsteadiness.
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Re: My Story of recent Incest

Postby jasmin » Tue Nov 30, 2010 12:48 pm

Verysad, it does sound like he took advantage of you, especially since he's much older. I hope your treatment will help you heal, you deserve to move on and have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend.

Ysteph, why do you keep posting in the sexual abuse forum if you've been told time and time again that your posts are offensive and inappropriate?
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