Remorseful and ashamed for the immoral acts that I committed

I have a terrible secret that I haven't been able to talk about with anyone and it's eating me up inside. I committed some unspeakable acts when I was growing up. I feel that posting this anonymously is the only way that I can get this out in the open. I need to say this. Forgive me for two things before I begin. First, I usually have trouble conveying my thoughts and feelings in a coherent way so sorry if I jump around a lot in my narration. Secondly, I am sorry to be so matter-of-fact about the things that I've done, but I'm trying to be truthful and own up to everything that has happened. I want anyone reading this to know that I'm extremely remorseful for the past and that the karma of my actions-the guilt and shame-is causing me to suffer greatly.

To begin I am a 25 year old male, and I have found a calling to walk the path in search of God and the truth, which I believe are one and the same. I feel that I have been awakened from an unconscious sleep, and since then, all my unconscious dark actions and intents of the past have surfaced into the light of my consciousness and claw at me like ferocious beasts.

They are memories of heinous acts that I committed as a child. I am ashamed to say that sometime between the ages of 11 and 12 (i don't remember exactly), I fondled three of my male friends in their sleep during sleepovers. I did this once to one friend, and several times to my other friends. They never woke up, save for one time when I basically got caught touching my friend over his clothes and played it off like it was accident so I wouldn't get in trouble. After that I stopped and none of them ever mentioned anything about it. Regrettably It gets worse...when I was 11 or 12 I touched one of my younger female cousins (she was 7) and the daughter of my family's friend (she was maybe 5) over their clothing. It was only for a second and I only did this once to them and thought it was most definitely a wrong and immoral thing for me to, I hope that they are minor enough cases to not have left any negative impact on them. But the truth is that I did all of these things.

I'm thinking back and asking myself why and how I could do these things and the only answer that I can come up with is that I couldn't control the powerful sexual impulses that were surging through my mind and body. At a young age I had been exposed to physical and emotional abuse and also to hearing my parents having sex. I also was exposed to porn around the age of 9. I don't know if these contributed to my emotional state when I carried out these acts, but I think they could have. Even so,I feel so ashamed by every one of these incidents. I can't believe that I actually did those things because they are so out of character for me. But I let something take over me.

At the time, I realized what I was doing wasn't acceptable, but I couldn't stop the incredible urge to explore my sexuality, and I didn't have a mature enough mind to realize HOW WRONG it was to do what I was doing. I'm wondering if being exposed to physical abuse and porn at too young of an age contributed to inability to understand social boundaries. This doesn't excuse what I did, but I just can't understand it any other way.There must have been things that happened to me in the past that contributed to dysfunctional social behavior as a child. I have some early memories of me having inappropriate impulses at a young age. I have a memory of myself-I can't say hold old I was exactly, but I would guess 4 years old-lying on the bed with my mother and father and of me trying to reach my hand up my mother's dress. I don't know why any 4 year old would ever do that. I have other memories of strong sexual urges at a young age. I remember naptime in preschool , and how I crawled over to a table where a girl was sitting and reached my hand in her slipper and started mechanically groping her foot. I also did this to a teacher in 1st grade while she was reading a story to the class. I remember the girl at the table telling me to stop or she wouldn't let me come to her birthday party, so I stopped. I remember how my teacher asked me with a smile after she finished the story if I was trying to tickle her and I just smiled back. I ask myself why would a small child have these impulses at those ages? I'm wondering if I was sexually abused as a kid...if so I don't know because I really can't remember anything like that happening. Either way,these impulses started developing into very real sexual feelings at a young age. I remember hearing my parents having sex and getting turned on by it when I was as young as 5. I even learned a form of masturbation then and was scolded by my grandmother, so I quickly learned to hide myself when I was did it. From what I remember masturbation was a nightly thing starting from the age of 6. I became addicted to sexual impulse. By the time I was 12, masturbation was not enough and I turned my sexual impulses-which had become out of control- outwards onto others in a completely unacceptable way.

Now as a developed adult, I realize that this was truly wrong and I am very sorry for what I did. I feel after writing this that I was a child sex addict and that I was chemically and psychologically addicted to sexual pleasure, and that like a drug addict, I needed to up the dose of the stimuli to get the same high, and I chose to do this even though I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. This is my only explanation that I have for doing what I did. I want to make it clear that since that I now pose no threat to anyone because I have my emotions and desires under control. Since that time I have never had to desire to carry out a sexual act with anyone unless it was with consent. I thank God for the experiences that I have gone through which have opened my eyes to the truth that we are all connected and what I do to others I do to myself.I wish that I could have known that then. But I was in the darkness of ignorance then.

I know that I committed serious abuses against them. Two remain as my oldest friends to this day. They are practically my brothers. I don't know if what I did to them years ago has left them with emotional scars. They and I have never mentioned anything to this day, but I'm scared that they might be harboring their pain in secret because they are afraid to confront me about it. One of those friends is pretty well adjusted. He's working towards a career and has a steady girlfriend. But the other friend is not as successful. During high school he became very unmotivated and the pattern continued into adulthood. He flunked out of college and is pretty socially withdrawn. It devastates me knowing that it might be because of me that he is experiencing difficulties from hurts that I caused. I love my two friends as brothers and we have shared so much of our lives together growing up. Up until now I repressed what I had done and actually believed that nothing has happened. I know I can't go on like that anymore. Now the truth has arrived in my heart and I am filled with shame and regret. I feel like the only way I'll ever be able to look my friends in the face again is if I confess and apologize to them. But the nature of my crime fills me with feelings of such shame and I don't know how I could ever explain what happened to them. I don't even know how to put it into words, and I don't know if they could ever understand that if I would have known then of the impact of what I was doing, I would have never done it. I'm afraid that telling them will ruin my friendship with them and their families and bring dishonor to myself and my family. I'm afraid that even my family will be too shocked and repulsed to forgive me if they were to know what I did.

I've been feeling like the lowest life form on the planet and it has been causing me instability in my relationships with everyone. I recently have moved to a new place and I have been very withdrawn from others and I've started to even withdraw from my closest friend and family because these bad things that I have done have completely taken over my mind and self concept. I feel like a worthless coward for not having resolved to confess to those who I have trespassed against because I am afraid and I have begun to hate myself for it. These deeply negative emotions seep into every other aspect of my life. These memories and my inability to take responsibility for them has stripped me of my self worth and ability to move forward in life.

I have learned from my mistakes and I have taken an oath to try my best to live an honest life and never hurt someone intentionally again.The person who I am today has so much good to give back to this world, but my gifts and talents are constantly undermined by the past that haunts me.I really want to go see a counselor to work through this but I'm even ashamed of the idea of telling someone face to face of what I've done. I fear that they won't be able to look at me after they know what I did. But I know that I need to do something about this.

I'm hoping that someone out there reading this could find sympathy for me and see that I am truly repentant. I'm hoping that someone out there has it in their hearts to feel that I am worthy of forgiveness and will encourage me to find the courage to talk about this with a counselor. I'm mostly hoping that there are second chances in life and in peoples' hearts. But maybe I'm downplaying the severity of my wrongdoings and not wanting to accept the possibility that there may be no forgiveness for what I've done.

Should I open up to a therapist about this? Do I deserve a second chance at living a decent life? Where can I go on from here?
I just need some feedback from someone.I'm not asking anyone to not be open and direct with their feelings, but only that they be delivered with compassion. Please know that I'm suffering in my heart and soul for the things I've done.

I truly appreciate anyone out there who will take to the time to seriously consider what I've said here and for anything that you might have to say to me because I'm really confused as where to go at this point in my life.

May you bless and be blessed

StrugglingToWalk, of course you deserve a second chance! You regret what you did and there is no way to change the past. Yes, I think that being exposed to porn at a young age probably contributed to the feelings you had. You have to find a good psych, who seems competent and able to deal with your issues and talk about everything with them, including your suspicion that you might have been abused.
You deserve to feel better and get treatment. Maybe after you've talked to a therapist you'll be able to talk to your friends about what happened too and it might help them, especially if you apologize and show them that you care about their feelings.

Jasmin,

Thanks for your reply. Your kindness really uplifted my spirits. I think you are right to suggest that I find a therapist who can help me work through this. Eventually I might get to the point where I feel like I will be ready to talk to my friends about what happened. The thought of exposing myself and my misdeeds to them really shames me and it will be a great challenge for me to man-up and apologize.

Get a good therapist first and with time you may find the strength to talk to your friends about what happened. You have our forum too, now. Are you doing ok?

Thanks for your continued support Jasmin. I am doing alright at the moment, but there are some times where I can't get my mind off of the guilt and shame. These thoughts often drain me and turn me into a walking breathing body of pain. But right now I'm thinking that we are only given a finite amount of energy in our lives and and it's totally a wasted gift if I use it to worry and ruminate over the past or future so I'm trying to use it more creatively. Until This will be an ongoing battle, and I only hope that I can stay positive. I'm happy to have this forum as a means of expression and I'm grateful for the support from the members here.

If this is hurting you so bad, maybe it's time to talk to your friends about what happened. It's up to you, though, you know best.

Hi, You are not alone!! I am female and have done the same thing but with my younger sibling she was 4 n 5 and i was 10 and 11...yesterday she told my parents...and yesterday we all sat down and the truth came out!! I feel awful shameful and disgusting and the word molester keeps screaming thru my head!! My parents turst me soo much and i would do something like this to thier other child I feel just horrible, but I have not recieved any type of shame from my parents or my lil sister. Our talk ended in tears and hugs and forgiveness...though I know my parents see me differently now, I know they still love me and people make mistakes even at a young age!! The thing is I dont think I'v forgiven myself and thats the biggest thing!! I have to learn that the thing that is helping me cope is that I know Jesus forgave me before i could even think about commiting a sin...he forgave me and died for me and he still loves me like crazy. That helps like nothing else. I still have worries, im 19 now and would hate to have any of my friends know or have to tell my future spouse. But its over and theirs nothing else you can do about it but forgive and forget. I feel extemely shameful and remorseful for my act,but God's love is more extreme and the forgiveness from my sister is beyond powerful. Its a secret that Im glad came to light before I became older because it can help me cope with future hard situations!! I hope this helps you Mister!! and if you would like to talk more I am willing!

I wanted you to know that you are so not alone. I've done the same. I have the same worries and fears. I'm in the same place emotionally/spiritually. I have so much pain and guilt that suicide has been a constant thought since I was 13.
I can barely live with myself now that I'm a 28 year old wife/mother. No one would ever guess my pain or that I have pain.
I cover it very well, and suffer alone.

Twitterbug,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience on the forum. I'm so happy that you have had things resolved. I know you are still feeling guilty and that's probably something that you're just going to have to keep working through, but I'm so happy to hear that things turned out alright for you and your family. As for me, I'm not sure that it would be ok to bring up the past to my friends because I'm not sure if that would be best for them for two reasons. One, I don't know if they know what happened, and two, I don't want to bring something up that they have pushed out of their minds. In both cases I don't want to cause them any or more pain.

Jesse's Girl,

I want to sincerely thank you for opening up and allowing me the comfort of knowing that there is someone out there going through the same thing and that I'm not alone. That helps more than you know. I'm really sorry for the suffering that you are enduring. I took a big step yesterday and told someone who is close to me about what happened. She's the only person in the world that I could even think of trusting, and even so, it was really difficult. She didn't react negatively or judge me. She supported me by telling me that there are many cases of things like this happening that don't get talked about for obvious reasons. She tried helping me see the situation as part of the larger context. Just getting it off my chest to someone that I am close with has really relieved a lot of the pain. I was really scared of loosing her as a friend/ex-lover and I still am...I asked her if she was afraid of me after I told her and she asked if I was kidding and reassured me that I she knows who I am (I guess that means she thinks I'm an alright person). However, I'm not sure if after thinking it over she sees me differently. I sent her an email to thank her for being there for me after we talked and she still hasn't replied. So I will let you know how things turn out with this. I've known this person for 10 years and if she disappears, well then maybe it's a big lesson learned. But if she's still there for me maybe it was worth it to open up to someone who you can trust. I guess I just have to wait for time to tell. But please take care, I am hoping for you to feel happiness and forgiveness because you shouldn't be subjected to a spiritual prison from your guilt. You don't deserve it and I know it's hard but when you feel its suffocating you, allow yourself to stop punishing yourself for something that you wouldn't have done had you been the person who you are today. Bless

Struggling, it was brave to tell someone face to face! Has she replied yet? Maybe she's just a bit busy or she wants to talk about it when she sees you in person.