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Possible sexual abuse manifesting into low libido

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Possible sexual abuse manifesting into low libido

Postby aluratek » Tue Feb 09, 2010 2:24 am

I have been dating/married for 6 years in total and absolutley love my wife and would do anything for her. I feel like my love though is more "heartwarming and cute" than passionate. I know I have a low testosertone level as I was tested at the doctors - my wife is threatning to leave me because of our infrequent sex over the past 6 years.
I know I am not a good communicator and like to bottle up my feelings on all subjects - however because of her threat I have been forced to look into myself and look deep as to what could be wrong, my wife is hot - why don't I want to have sex with her. I find myself being very "taken back" when she agresses towards me and change it into a "cute" situation rather than a lustful one. I'm not a "man's man" don't have a low voice, don't have a muscular build, and do enjoy some of the more feminine items (clothes, spa) - but I do know I like women. I don't like conflict and tend to run the other way when I see it.

After thinking about this for quite a few days, I had a nervous realization. I remember being about 8 or 9 and having some people come to our house for a party. I was playing toys in my room and then I remember this boy who was a little older I guess with a red sweater and brown hair come in and I think I remember him taking my pants down and playing with my penis. I can see him and the act of him doing it, and telling me to take down my underwear but I can't see his face. I would have no idea who it was, and I guess 25 years later it doesn't matter but is this what is affecting my sex life?

One of the triggers was on another thread and the term oral copulation, even though I think I just remember being touched by his hands. As far as I can remember that was the only time, and I've had a very normal childhood since that time onwards. I love my wife so much and don't want to lose her, could this be the issue? and if so, what can I do?
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Re: Possible sexual abuse manifesting into low libido

Postby jasmin » Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:07 pm

Hi, aluratek! It's possible to just have a low libido and not be that into sex, but you should trust your feelings about any kind of abuse.
Did the incident with that boy bother you before and did you feel forced or like you didn't want to take part in what happened? Have you ever felt scared when it comes to sex?
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Re: Possible sexual abuse manifesting into low libido

Postby CarmenRose23 » Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:43 pm

I think the Sexual abuse theory is much more likely than this, “I’m just not man enough” guilt your working on. You need to separate your feelings of failure and all the other negative emotions involved with not being “Normal” and just focus on the emotions that actually surround the act of sex.

Beating yourself up over this isn’t going to help.

OK… SO it’s normal for an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse to have a bizarre disconnect and disinterest with sex. And even one small instance is enough to mess up your normal sexual processes for a long long time. Sometimes the sex its self can trigger emotions from the abuse… about to reach orgasm but have a sudden wash of shame, fear, anger? Sometimes the desire for sex becomes buried because your unconscious mind associates it with the abuse. AKA how could I want that it was horrible.

SO here’s a couple Brain Facts!
1. The strongest memories are tied to physical experiences, and sensations.
2. Negative memories imprint much stronger then positive memories
3. Physical sensations and smells trigger “Survival” reactions without consulting the Prefrontal Cortex.

So what does this mean for you? Well Because this moment of sexual abuse was likely your first sexual encounter your mind was wired to believe that sex, was bad. And because of the nature of deep seated negative emotions your Limbic portion of your brain responds before you even know it. So suddenly your glimpse of ALMOST aroused goes up in smoke.

HEY what happened?!?!

The good news is you CAN overcome the negative wires. Positive experiences will eventually change the Negative experiences hard wiring.

But the first step is simply understanding what your brain is doing so that when it does it, you know why. Instead of panicking or beating yourself up you can remind yourself about how sexy your wife is.
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