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Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

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Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby T10842 » Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:41 pm

Hello,
Instead of talking to a counsellor, I wanted advice from women who know better, or maybe someone else who has/is dating a rape victim.
I am dating my best friend now who I have known for six years, and our friendship was solely that until almost two years ago. When we had first started dating, my girlfriend told me she had been raped multiple times by her cousin, beginning when she was thirteen. In fact, when she told me this, he still had contact with her.
However, that same year she got him convicted for, what was, in my opinion, too short a time ( I said nothing, but was very proud of her).
During the time that she was being assaulted, she sought attention, was promiscuous, and dappled in drug use.
While she has stopped using drugs, and is loyal to our relationship, she still has the same attention-seeking behaviour. She acts like she enjoys being complimented (she is very pretty), but then contradicts herself as she tells me that she ‘does not like it’. She does this with pictures of the internet, dressing up, ect…
She does not talk much about her assaults and emotionally is withdrawn, which I accept and do not push. I never venture to talk about it, unless she does (which is very, very rare), however, once when she got drunk at a dinner party at our house, that night she began to weep violently, cling to me and call herself dirty.
Despite this, she has never been hesitant about sex, and in fact, I am actually the one who has the lower sex drive. Is she having the opposite affect of what most (if it is most) women have? To be over sexually active rather than not? She told me once she wants to make love because with me it makes her forget how disgusting she felt during her assaults.
I am afraid she needs more help than I can give, following what advice I had read on websites.
I tell her it was not her fault, and I hope she believes that, but her behaviour and actions frighten me sometimes.
It also does not help that her own family chooses to ignore her attacks by never mentioning it, which she has told me has bothered her; her own mother never asked, even during the trial.
I feel like her experience is some big, ugly thing that is constantly lingering over us.
I am unsure exactly what I am asking, perhaps maybe if I am acting in the right way by giving her space and time to fight her own demons?
I know people are different with how they deal with them, but it hurts me to watch her sometimes, and I feel sick when I think about how much pain my friend and the one I love is experiencing. I feel helpless. Reading the advice that basically tells loved ones to ‘sit tight’ is hardly enough, and it seems to not be helping her either.
Any advice or comments would be appreciated.
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Re: Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby Chucky » Mon Oct 19, 2009 9:55 pm

Hi,

I actually dated a girl who was raped, and she seems to have behaved just as your current girlfriend is. If my relationship with her is anything to by though, I don't think you should be seeing this as something that will be permanent. In fact, she might turn around tomorrow to say that she's packing up and leaving. Okay, maybe not that sudden, but the relationship you have with her just doesn't seem to be setting good/sturdy foundations right now. It's as if you're trying to build something strong (you especially), but that she's just not that great/experienced at what a stable relatiomnship is all about.

My ex used to say that I was a 'stepping stone' in her life, which was another way of saying that we wouldnt' last. We lasted 9 months, in fact, and even after two suicide attempts (one each...). So, anyway, just don't put too much expectency into this relationship lasting a long time. I'd start to focus your attention to behaving more like her friend, rather than her lover. Also, I would'nt let her be as promiscuous with you as it sounds like she is. It would do her the world of good if she learned from you that she can't always get her own way with guys, regarding sex.

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Re: Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby T10842 » Tue Oct 20, 2009 12:43 am

Chucky wrote:Hi,

I actually dated a girl who was raped, and she seems to have behaved just as your current girlfriend is. If my relationship with her is anything to by though, I don't think you should be seeing this as something that will be permanent. In fact, she might turn around tomorrow to say that she's packing up and leaving. Okay, maybe not that sudden, but the relationship you have with her just doesn't seem to be setting good/sturdy foundations right now. It's as if you're trying to build something strong (you especially), but that she's just not that great/experienced at what a stable relatiomnship is all about.

My ex used to say that I was a 'stepping stone' in her life, which was another way of saying that we wouldnt' last. We lasted 9 months, in fact, and even after two suicide attempts (one each...). So, anyway, just don't put too much expectency into this relationship lasting a long time. I'd start to focus your attention to behaving more like her friend, rather than her lover. Also, I would'nt let her be as promiscuous with you as it sounds like she is. It would do her the world of good if she learned from you that she can't always get her own way with guys, regarding sex.

Kevin


Thanks Kevin,
I actually feel that way; like a stepping stone.
Would it be wrong to tell her we should just be friends while she goes through this hard time in her life?
As for her packing up and leaving, I think it might be kind of different. I have suggested twice before over the two years that we should maybe just be friends again, and told her I would still be there for her emotionally, but she either ignores my suggestions or vehemently rejects them.
I do not want to say what is better for her, though.
Did your ex leave you? Or did you leave her?
If she is not ready to get professional help, help I cannot really give, should I leave (at least in the dating sense)?
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Re: Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby Chucky » Tue Oct 20, 2009 10:55 pm

Hi,

This notion of being friends simply doesn't work, and it doesn't surprise me that she's not replying to you when you say stuff such as you'll be there emotionally for her, etc. It just doesn't work, and I've seen it so many times and in so many relationships which have ended. You both just need to part ways completely for the time being. After my partner and I split-up, we tried that whole friends things for a while but it was disastrous. So, after a year of both of us constantly arguing with each other and wishing death upon each other, we both independently realised that it was better we just never talked again. After a year of silence though, we started talking again and it was cool.

I don't know if you feel up to just 'breaking free' from her, but I suspect that it really is the best way to go.

Kevin
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Re: Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby asocd » Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:58 pm

I may not no much about relationships above the level named freind. (Girlfreind) It is your choice man i whouldnt rely on people to decide of your gonna have sex or not. If so from her perspective she seems kinda desprate so if from what i read but you do love her and thinking about it. If your worried about pregnancy youse a condom and if not sorry if this seems offensive she can get a abortion
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Re: Relationship with a rape victim- need advice.

Postby ShadowsInMyMind » Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:43 am

If you need to leave her make sure that she has someone she trusts. I know how many times I have been left and it makes it harder on me. I dont trust anyone easily and men even less, thanks to my experience. I understand that it may be better for you both but make sure she has someone to be there for her please.
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