Since my teens, I have always been very drawn to stories of sexual abuse. I always ended up feeling dark and dirty, but was drawn nevertheless.
As an adult, I have learned about the abundance of molestation and sexual abuse that has gone on in my family, with siblings and relatives. As a child, I was often around people who were abusers. I don't recall any overt sexual abuse happening to me, though I do recall it happening to others.
There was a time when I was 5 that a friend's father was rough-housing with me. I don't remember anything except that I was suddenly hurt and had to crawl home. I was hospitalized for something unrelated the same day.
A year later, after school was let out, I remember two older (unknown) youths (males) grabbed me when I was on a swing. I remember nothing else that happened, except the sky being gloomy, and discovering myself on the ground, among fallen leaves. I was disoriented.
When I was 8 or 9, a leader from church took several of us kids to his ranch. The memory is vague, but what I do remember is being taken alone (or with one other boy) into a room, and being tickled. I remember kicking. It was uncomfortable, but I don't remember much of anything else, other than being angry that I was being tickled, and quite roughly.
Shortly after this, I found myself driven to put other's penises in my mouth. I had no idea why, except that I felt I needed to do it. I felt like a bad person for wanting it, but wanted it anyway. I found ways to make it happen, even once sneaking into my parents room when my father was asleep, and putting my mouth on his penis, and then running out before he could wake up (I am male). I remember feeling deeply ashamed, but driven. I had no other sexual desire, and I didn't even know what an orgasm was. I am puzzled why I had this desire, and had such a strong need to carry it out.
I have read stories about how children that have been abused sometimes try to re-enact the abuse. Did someone make me perform oral sex on them at one point? I don't remember.
As an adult, I have had very strong sexual dysfunction from time to time. I am very inhibited with a partner, unless I am drunk. Recently, I found sexual behavior with a partner physically revolting. I actually (secretly) broke down crying after a partner finished his part. I broke things off.
Looking at symptoms of child sexual abuse, I see myself all over them. I know it probably doesn't matter if I remember anything or not, but therapy can still help. I have had therapy, and it has helped. But I still feel that if I can just remember what happened (if anything), it will help me not feel like a complete ###$. I feel like there are so many things wrong with me. I want to blame something else from my childhood, rather than just accept that I am screwed up.
Any thoughts?