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Boyfriend of sexual abused (raped) girlfriend.

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Boyfriend of sexual abused (raped) girlfriend.

Postby todd92371 » Tue Jan 13, 2009 2:49 pm

Hello,
I am writing this mainly in the need of advice, resources or links to other sources of help!
I want to preface this by saying that I love my girlfriend so so much. I am trying to be a rock for her to heal through her rape. But, this is a request for me.
My girlfriend was raped by multiple men when she was a teenager at a frat party. She was drunk. Subsequently, she has had multiple relationships with men who have treated her badly and not respected her in a sexual context. She tells me that now she is in a relationship in which she is respected that way. I HAVE NEVER taken from her. Sex is always on her terms and I try so hard to be respectful about this.
I am just starting as of late to realize how much this is affecting me. We have been together three years and just a couple of months ago she told me that kissing (in general) is so hard on her. It makes her feel that she knows what is coming. This was very very hard to hear. She reiterates that it is not me. She cannot have an O#$%#sm because of the trauma. Alot of times- I know she does sexual times for me.
The problem is that I am developing a massive sense of insecurity in myself. I feel unattractive and unwanted. It's very hard to bear. I feel that I am not good enough or cannot please her. This has never been a problem in the past because I am a very giving person when it comes to sex. It is also frustrating because every time I kiss her or we start to make love- I have this overwhelming sense of she is doing it because she needs to or she is doing it for me. Last night she started to really kiss me and I know she was doing it for me. I just could not respond. I usually in the past am the one who engages and begins these type of things. But, as of late- I am paralyzed with insecurity and fear that she is doing it for me. I am usually NOT an insecure person in this regard. I even as of late have been wondering if she looks at other men and wonders if they could fix this or please her. I know- crazy. But, that is the state that this has slowly progressed into.
I hope that I do not feel selfish. I have been trying to help and support her for so long. I feel as if I do. I am just trying to take care of some things with myself so I can be a better person for her also. Also, the frustration and insecurity that is building inside of me is really changing me and affecting my life.
Has anyone experienced this?
To all the victims of rape and abuse on this forum. I pray that you find peace with this! Also to the loved one of the victim.

Thank you,
Al. :)
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Postby SmallTalkRed » Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:54 pm

Hello,
I can tell you it gets better.
If you are in love with her, and want to be beside her, along her path of healing(if she can see it).

You are right, she does deserve respect. She has to respect herself first. Just like she has to love herself first, forgive herself first.
These things dont come easy to most.

I am sorry, it effects you. But is because you care.

Best Wishes.
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Postby jasmin » Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:37 pm

Hi, todd! Red is right, you can be by her side as she learns to love and forgive herself. She's lucky to have you.
I've heard of people feeling things that a loved one is feeling too. Maybe you care so much that you sort of have PTSD because of what she went through too.
Do you think you could go to therapy together or at least talk about this stuff so you'll be a bit more comfortable?
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:49 pm

There are a lot of resources out there for her.
First question though is... Did she ever recieve any therapy or did she speak to anyone about the rapes?


I'd be happy to send you some resources, I can send you websites, book lists, support forums etc.. Just let me know.

You can't really get PTSD because your partner has it, but you can feel frustration, anger etc for what she went through.

It's important that she talks about it, holding it in is the worst thing she can do. Be there for her, don't rush her into anything, whether it's sexually or even talking.. because you could be pushing her further back.

I dealt with rape, and numerous situations where men treated me badly too so I can realte.

It's great to hear that sex is on her terms it's giving her control of something that she didn't have. That is extremely important, and i'm happy that you respect that.

He likely can't achieve that from sex or anything because of the rape, especially if it occured during it she may feel extreme shame about it happening, or perhaps that is a very big trigger for her.

It doesn't mean you can't please her, it's because she is likely getting body memories and flashbacks and she feels unsafe ... it takes time. I had a hard time sexually, but once I felt safe it was easier, and for her she needs to feel safe.
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Postby todd92371 » Wed Jan 14, 2009 7:31 pm

Hello,
Thank you so much for the encouragement!!!!! :) I was wondering if you guys know of a book that was written from our perspective. The family member, spouse or loved one of a victim. Strategies to help the healing process. Strategies to help us! I feel so alone about this. I want to help myself- so that I can help her. Would just be so great to know that other lovers of survivors feel the same things I do. Would help to not feel so alienated in these thoughts :)

todd
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Wed Jan 14, 2009 7:39 pm

todd92371 wrote:Hello,
Thank you so much for the encouragement!!!!! :) I was wondering if you guys know of a book that was written from our perspective. The family member, spouse or loved one of a victim. Strategies to help the healing process. Strategies to help us! I feel so alone about this. I want to help myself- so that I can help her. Would just be so great to know that other lovers of survivors feel the same things I do. Would help to not feel so alienated in these thoughts :)

todd


I know that there are books out there for spouses/family etc of an abuse victim... let me look around.
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Postby Butterfly Faerie » Wed Jan 14, 2009 7:51 pm

Here's a big list for you...

-To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Victims: Susan Brewster

-What about me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse: Grant Cameron

-Your Wife Was Sexually Abused: Dr. John, Rogers & Sid Courtright

-Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, a Support Book: Laura Davis

-Lovers & Survivors: A Partner's Guide to Living with & Loving a Sexual Abuse Survivor: Yvette S DeBeixedon

-Partners in Recovery: How Mates, Lovers, & Other ProSurvivors Can Learn to Support & Cope with Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Beverly Engel

-Outgrowing the Pain Together: A Book for Spouses & Partners of Adults Abused as Children: Eliana Gil

-Survivors and Partners: Healing the Relationships of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse: Paul Hansen

-Family Fallout: A Handbook for Families of Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors: Dorothy Landry

-When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor: A Workbook for You: Robert Larry Levine

-TRUST AFTER TRAUMA: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them: Aphrodite Matsakis

-If She is Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers and Male Friends: A. McEvoy and J. Brookings

-How Can I Help Her? A Handbook for Partners of Women Sexually Abused as Children: Joan Spear

-Helping the Adult Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse; For Friends, Family and Lovers: Kathy Stark


There are plenty more if you need more titles.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH

Postby todd92371 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 4:42 pm

Thank you so much.
I am struggling with one more component to this! She tried to get counselling one time. She had a very bad experience with it the first time. Since then she has not approached receiving help at all. She hasn't or will not read books, research forums or try again with counselling. I know it's painful for her. We have had and am having problems in our relationship ( I see it- she doesn't) that stem from the things that have happened to her. I try to confront her with the fact that she will not admit she needs help in the first place! She acts like she doesn't. I know it's painful. But, it scares me. I have had to do so many humbling things to make myself better for this relationship. How many sacrifices, I have made to meld into this problem It worries me in that if she is not willing to help herself then this relationship is in alot of trouble. I have had to do so many things to change and humble myself. It really is starting to wear on me that she won't She tells me to make the appointment. She won't read books. Aaarrggghh. I don't want to pressure her. But, when your loved one tells you that their problem is affecting our lives- one would hope they would confront it. I know she is scared. It just concerns me. :(

Thank you all
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Re: THANK YOU SO MUCH

Postby Butterfly Faerie » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:05 pm

todd92371 wrote:Thank you so much.
I am struggling with one more component to this! She tried to get counselling one time. She had a very bad experience with it the first time. Since then she has not approached receiving help at all. She hasn't or will not read books, research forums or try again with counselling. I know it's painful for her. We have had and am having problems in our relationship ( I see it- she doesn't) that stem from the things that have happened to her. I try to confront her with the fact that she will not admit she needs help in the first place! She acts like she doesn't. I know it's painful. But, it scares me. I have had to do so many humbling things to make myself better for this relationship. How many sacrifices, I have made to meld into this problem It worries me in that if she is not willing to help herself then this relationship is in alot of trouble. I have had to do so many things to change and humble myself. It really is starting to wear on me that she won't She tells me to make the appointment. She won't read books. Aaarrggghh. I don't want to pressure her. But, when your loved one tells you that their problem is affecting our lives- one would hope they would confront it. I know she is scared. It just concerns me. :(

Thank you all


It's going to be painful, whether it's to read up on it, to get support online or to get therapy, it's not an easy road, but the more she keeps at it the easier that road gets. I used to despise it, it used to be incredibly hard for me to go to therapy and to discuss it, but her keeping it inside herself only will make it worse for her in the long run.
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:)

Postby todd92371 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:50 pm

Thank you Butterfly Faerie!! I am sorry for what happened to you and am glad you are healing. Now to love her and be there for her. :)
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