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My daughter was molested by her step father.

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My daughter was molested by her step father.

Postby MALADJUSTED » Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:25 am

I married someone that was troubled to say the least, and I was married to him for 6 years. My children were boy age 12 and daughter age 9.This person molested my daughter . I feel responsible, I am responsible after all this would never have happened if not for my choice to marry a person capable of this behavior.

When I found out what was happening to my daughter, she told someone when things had progressively gotten worse in the marriage and I had found out he was having an affair, my daughter and I had always been so close (or so I thought that) I thought she was upset on my behalf about what he was doing. He would not admit it, he continued to lie until it escalated to the point that I needed to get him out, he was becoming very angry and resentful that I was standing in the way of his "happiness" ....I worked nights at a hosp. and things were getting so out of hand that my daughter was staying with a friend of mine and (I still had no idea I just wanted her to be safe while I got him to move on) anyway, it was at this point that she told my friend and that very morning when I got off work I was supposed to go home before going to my daughter, we were to discuss the situation about separating etc. But my friend called and said do not go there just come to my house first, so I did and my life ended there that day a part of me died! I was told that he had been molesting my little girl for 4 years! How could I be so stupid? I don't know. I called and informed the police that he would be at the house and was waiting for me to come home and talk with him, they took a brief statement from me and went to the house, he tried to run and escape but thank God they caught him and he has been in prison for 8 years he got 17 years and he will do the entire 17 years!

Now to the present situation, my daughter has been married for 2 years, she has a beautiful 10 month old baby girl, and 2 months ago my daughter was caught stealing drugs from an elderly friend of ours. My daughter was set up because they had been suspecting her! I feel sick, I feel responsible, my daughter by the way had therapy for 3 1/2 years following the arrest of her step father molester.

She was put in a rehab, I have suspected the drug abuse for the last few months. She did not do drugs growing up, even after he was arrested she was the most sweet precious girl, she never got in trouble, I never had any real big problems with her ever. I started noticing the changes when she met Adam her husband, they argued a lot prior to their marriage, she stayed at home with me until she married at age 21, and she has been married now 2 years, my question I suppose is is this behavior due to her not really dealing with the abuse? Is this because I didn't do all I could? Everyone has turned on me since she was caught stealing because she told them that she was molested so all people involved have told me that she has these problems due to her abuse. I am sure that this is true to some degree, but I don't think it will help her be healthy to hate me now too.

She has stopped writing to me and she has not called me from the rehab, she had not talked to me much prior to this either because I saw the way she had changed and I was the only one that would not leave her alone about her drug abuse. I can only speculate since no one will ell me how she is. Half of me feels ashamed and thinks that I should just leave her alone and the other half thinks I was the only one that was trying to stop her (everyone else knew and was either exchanging drugs with her or allowing her to come around even though they knew she was stealing the drugs) how do I know? My elderly friend called and said that she had given my daughter vicodin and that my daughter was supposed to pay her back when she got her prescription filled! I couldn't believe my ears! I had a fit! I couldn't believe that this person saw nothing wrong with "loaning" her a few vicodin.

So that's my story, I love my Grandchild and my daughter do I deserve this?
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Postby jasmin » Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:03 pm

Morrissey, you say that you didn't know and you didn't want this to happen. There is no point in blaming yourself about it. I think you should try to help your daughter. The truth is that she must be resentful of you, to some degree, because she feels like you didn't protect her even though you didn't know she was being abused.
Have you tried going to a good therapist with her?
She can't blame her behaviour on her past for ever, it's not healthy.
She has to want to change and get better, for the sake of her kid. At least you can be there for your granddaughter and make sure that no one will hurt her.
You can try to give your daughter support and make her see that what she has been doing with her life is wrong and it won't help any one, it's the best you can do.
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Postby MALADJUSTED » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:11 pm

Jasmine,

Thank you for your reply to my problem, I took her to therapy for 3-1/2 years as an adolescent after his arrest. I agree with you that we cannot continue blaming bad behavior on anything forever. I would love to be there for my Grandchild and was there almost everyday, I had just taken her and my other Grandson and both parents to Discovery Kingdom days before this happened. I have now been cut off though, no real explanation, just silence and while my daughter is in there (rehab) her husband has my Grand baby most of the time and he refuses to allow me to have her or see her!

I went to see the therapist that we saw during that time, and she says that since she is a married adult there really isn't anything I can do! I have just been feeling so creepy knowing that they are conspiring behind my back and judging me. I am already suffering from all this guilt, the therapist always told me that was something I had to get over, but what I am saying is all these years later here it is again, and there must be something about me or everyone wouldn't feel this way!

Thank you for your reply,


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Postby jasmin » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:21 pm

Maybe she'll see things differently when she gets out of rehab and you'll be able to see your grand baby then. It's normal to feel guilty, because any one would have a strong reaction to something like this. I think she will see that you deserve to be a part of her and your grandchild's life.
Have you ever tried telling her everything that you feel?
Maybe it would help the two of you to communicate this way. You could put it all in a letter and give it to her to read and you could ask her to do the same for you. Try to be calm and honest and let her know that you are prepared to be there for her.
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Postby MALADJUSTED » Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:43 pm

Jasmin,

Thank you. That is a good idea, I have written her many letters since she has been in there. I guess one that really reveals my true thoughts and feelings on the subject are best. We have been open or at least I have, I know that I am so uncomfortable with the subject and I suppose that you are right, who in their right mind wouldn't be? I will try to write a very candid letter telling her how I feel, and hope that when she is at home I will be allowed to be in her and the babies life.

There are some weird issues with her husband and his family that I didn't get into, her husband helped himself to my computer one day (doors were locked) he climbed in my window. He went into the office at his place of employment and helped himself to the pay checks prior to them being passed out to the employees and was terminated from that job, and something came up missing from my storage and he was the only one that I ever loaned the key or combo to so I accused him, he flew into a violent rage and my daughter was crying hysterically so of course I backed off, he has never spoken to me since and refused to even talk about things, and then this happened with my daughter!

That is summing it up as briefly as I can, so you see she married into some problems and I saw it in him prior to her marrying him and tried to make her wait, but.........


Thank you again,

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Postby jasmin » Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:08 am

It does sound like he has serious issues. Maybe she'll see what he's really like some day. When someone has been abused, they might think that another abuser is all they can get or all they deserve, but that doesn't have to last for ever.
I hope everything goes well with the letter.
You're welcome!
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