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Covert Incest ~

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum. If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread.

Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums.

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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby jasmin » Mon Jul 26, 2010 12:15 pm

Happygolucky, your father had no right to do those things to you. Yah, it sounds like both your parents have their boundaries messed up and they can't see you like their children. Even if part of him does love you, your father is still sick. Your mother should have protected you, she had no right to take his side or treat your brother like "the man of the house". How is your brother doing, by the way? You could tell him about this stuff too and you should both try to get some therapy with someone who knows what they're doing.
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby happygolucky » Mon Jul 26, 2010 1:25 pm

hey Jasmin...yeah I know, the thing was I knew at the time too, when your a kid your so vunrable to your parents, I think they both have had similar things happen to them, probably more so...so Im not mad at them...I think they were brought into the behaviour by their own upbringing as I notice similarities within their siblings and the relationships they have with their kids. Thanks you for your support, its means alot to me.. :)

My brother is pretty messed up, he has a mad addiction to porn which Im sure must leave him feeling really empty as it objectifies women and dissconnects them from them having souls..I dont really know how to bring the subject up to him...He might deny it to himself, then tell my parents that Im crazy...all which will be alot of stress for me. Im just weighing up how I can do it in a way that doesnt make him feel like Im exposing him to his fears..also the same for my cousins.

I know my parents have issues, and its not right that they incorporated us in their drama, they do love us but there messed up emotionaly Im sure from having their boundaries crosses..I was quizzing my dad one day about pedos and he was like their sick...he got really emotinal, and said you dont know what they do to kids in churches. The amount of personal pain that it brought out in him made me suspicious that he had been sexually abused by a teacher or something, and he also told me that he had been his mothers 'favourite' so Im sure that he had been subjected to abuse as a child.

My mum is hystrionic personality type, and the way she acts to her dad is as if some type of boundaries were crossed there..

So Im not buggin too bad, as long as I understand why things happen, and I know that they were 'unconscious' in their actions I can undertand and forgive..
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby jasmin » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:52 pm

Even thought they went through something similar, they're still responsible for what they did. It's up to you if you decide to forgive, though. Do you still depend on them? Maybe you could help your brother just get therapy for his porn addiction and then see how he reacts to it and if you feel comfortable talking to him about your parents.
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby FallenToMyDarkheart » Mon Aug 30, 2010 4:29 am

i have experienced this with my mum and it has gone on for years since i was about 8 and all this time my farther just gets more distant from my mum so it makes this even harder for me to break free from her grip i even ended up missing the last year of school because of her and now she still holds the reins in the family im 25 and im stuck what exactly can i do and what makes it so much harder for me is that when i was about 4-5 i was sexualy abused by people my parents sent me to live with for over 6 weeks i remember it but it is not very clear but i know i was abused even now i have dreams about that time and she is not making things any easier i wish i could just leave home but i have nothing and i don't even know how to be a normal person and a lack of gcse's pretty much means im doomed to live this way for the rest of my life it is getting so hard to deal with worse still my mum intends to move out and leave my dad and now that im her carer it makes me even more cut off from the world than i already am i used to love my mum but now i just don't know what to do :(
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby jasmin » Mon Aug 30, 2010 1:20 pm

You don't have to be stuck with her, Fallen! Maybe you could arrange for someone else to care for her. Ask a social worker to come over to your house, if she needs someone to take care of her and maybe they can do something.
You could still look for a job and maybe finish school later on.
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby FallenToMyDarkheart » Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:20 am

I have difficulty talking to people and i have not been very social for years i don't even know how to interact with people properly i just feel so out of place sometimes i have panic attacks so getting out of the house can be difficult for me since i was 15 i have pretty much been alone with my family and over the years it has become extremly difficult to interact with people and i don't even know how to go about arranging for someone else to look after my mum or how to get a job i just feel so lost i can't even sleep most nights because i worry about my future or if i even have one i managed to get to go to my gcse's but i had missed almost an entire year and never had the time to revise so i failed miserably but can i go back to school im 25 and i can't possibly afford college i also have a sister and i don't know if she experienced what i did when i was younger but she is messed up like me but her problems are so much worse than mine but she is at least getting help now but sometimes i think my mum lies and cancels some of her appointments with my sisters phychiatrist just so she does not have to bother going their with her i just feel like my life has already past me and that i won't ever catch up i hate this feeling but i can't get rid of it it is always there and i don't even think my mum knows how this is affecting me or my sister she is completely null to the feelings of those around her :cry:
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby jasmin » Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:21 pm

Yah, it definitely sounds like she is. Is your sister under age? Call child protection services or the police and just ask them what you could do. Or go to a police station and ask to see a social worker and then tell them your and your sister's problems and ask for advice.
You can start separate threads in these forums too, as more people will be likely to tell you what you could do.
Go to the forum you want and then click "newtopic" on the left of your screen, for a new thread.
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby FallenToMyDarkheart » Thu Sep 02, 2010 5:29 am

last night i tried to talk to my mum about the things from mine and my sisters past but she just seemed to blank it all out and just stated that she was having problems and had to send us to live with her 'friends' but she also seems very unwilling to talk about them i can't even remember their names it's just a damn blank it is so frustating that she still refuses to talk about this and my sister is 27 but she has the mental age of a child and she also has a habbit of talking to herself sometimes which is kinda scarey when i hear her doing that but it is never anything really bad she is just talking as if she has a friend with her but it still scares me next time i go with my sister to one of her appointments im thinking of talking to her phychiatrist but im not yet decided this is a terrifying thing for me but if i don't do something soon i don't think i will be able to cope for much longer i feel anxious almost every minute of every day and day by day and im barely eating or sleeping anymore and i just feel like im getting further away from being normal but i don't know how i would cope on my own and thats by far the scariest thing but i can't stay here it is just not healthy for me anymore nor do i think it has ever been healthy :(

my sister is on medication i rooted them out :Citalopram and Quetiapine i have no idea what they are though

should i ask her about whether she had anything happen to her while we where living at my parents friends?
and should i talk to my sister about what im going to do before doing anything?
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby jtwolfy » Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:48 am

*mod edit - inappropriate*
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Re: Covert Incest ~

Postby imasurvivor » Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:11 pm

I am 30 and a covert incest survivor. Incest: basically screwing up normally healthy relationships with unhealthy ones, where sex gets twisted. I hate to say it but my sisters and I experienced this with my father. My parents got divorced and my mother wasn't around. It was covert incest.
I am grateful for what my dad did to feed us and provide at least the food and the clothing and the shelter part. It was almost like he was saying, well because I do this for you feed you clothe you provide shelter you will allow me to do this to you. That is what it felt like. So it was a weird dysfunctional relationship. He also would beat me occasionally, one time in a corner with a broom. I would blow up verbally on him because secretly the covert incest would continue. But I didn't even know at that time that it was a real thing. I blamed myself and said that I was disgusting for wanting to sleep with my dad or something like that. But the emotional love and physical healthy touches I never felt comfortable doing with him. Well it was because I never actually got that from him. I always felt like he wanted to have sex with me or something. Later on he bought me a car when I was in college. It seemed weird like this was my reward for letting him do that to me or something. IT was like I was his bitch or something, like I was his prostitute. It was like that sort of feeling. It wasn't like a parent type of feeling. I have gotten really good at "presenting" which is a counseling term which means what we present on the outside to everyone else; basically just acting like everything is all good and everything.
I am now entering into a process to heal. It is true that things like these are hard to detect because nothing "actually" happened. The same type of thing happened to me at work with my supervisor...these 'accidental' touches and sayings like "who's your daddy" and private meetings in his office where he say we could talk alone and I feel he would look at me weird, but nothing "actually" happened in the manager's opinion...when training me and showing me how to do certain things on the computer systems, he would put his hand over mine while it was on the mouse and keep it there...it was just creepy...when I would be talking to customers he would just be looking at me like dreaming about me...but it wasn't in a type of "hey baby" respectful way between a man and woman, it was more like a disgusting way...like he already was imagining being with me sexually in some weird sex slave type of attitude...like not in a consensual way but also in the way of a prostitute...sex not making love...I tried talking with the manager and he pulled my supervisor aside but there was nothing that could be done cause my supervisor denied everything. The next day anyways I was so sensitive about it cause it reminded me of my upbringing...my boyfriend and I went to a lawyer cause he could see I was so distraught...then a lawyer said well you don't have a case probably due to lack of evidence but he said usually abuse victims feel like this and recognize this type of thing. Are you an abuse victim he asked? And I didn't realize that I had experienced incest as a child or anything so naturally I just said no...finally I just ended up quitting when my supervisor told me to please don't quit...ironically I did because of him...I feel like it was a thing like I reminded him of his ex girlfriend...he was already married but still acted that way to me...asked me if I wanted rides home and things like that...type of things...at the time I took a couple of rides home with him cause I didn't have a car at the time...but I would feel so scared...after work I would hide just so he wouldn't ask me again and I wouldn't feel weird again...I wonder if this type of behavior is related to porn....
People like my dad I learned that through counseling these people that perpetrate act like it is a secret type of love that is selective and that you are special so you shouldn't tell about this secret love that you receive...try to make it like some secret good thing...but obviously it is very damaging and twisted...mentally everything gets twisted...spiritually everything gets twisted...I am trying to heal now it is disgusting...I confided in a few friends about my situation for the first time and today I couldn't look at myself in the mirror...cause I felt like " I told" and I "betrayed him" you know? Like I was the one to blame. It is hard enough typing this but it's cause otherwise I won't and be tempted to put a big bandaid over it and pray it will go away. But it hasn't yet and it's been 10 years. I want to see things for what they are in the light of truth, not in darkness...
I"m trying not to totally judge my dad who I think sometimes was also abused and never got any treatment for it...his family was from another country where rules were a bit more lax and not as strict but that is no excuse...cause I grew up in America so also I see you haveto live the law of the land wherever you are...my home was supposed to be loving and nurturing in a healthy way...
Coping and healing for me is going to be difficult. I have gotten into the habit of coping with food. I am trying to cope through writing music...it is something therapeutic...and I'm starting to understand that I am loved...I didn't feel loved in my home...I want to know that I am loved...but to learn that takes as much time as it does to learn you are loved in a healthy home. I say people who grew up in a healthy home this is the best life you can have...rich or not...love in a home is the best thing a child could have...stability from healthy parents and love...I want to be this for my kids; otherwise I probably would attempt suicide...the effects of this? I have been unable to hold a job cause I'm always afraid that my job will have some secret ulterior motive, like the way my home was...So I am healing and I am trying to think about jobs differently. I see my problem for what it is and I understand why I see my jobs like that: I have gotten used to the fact that you can't trust anyone or in any system and that it will take advantage of you. I know that is entirely not true so now I'm trying to have a positive outlook on life, knowing why my life hasn't been going the way that I have been wanting it to for years...I have had major trust issues with my spouse...it has been difficult nevertheless I will survive. I'm a survivor. I am 30 and ready to start taking control of my life.
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