Older Brother Incest - Should I speak up?

I'm having a very difficult time right now with some mental issues, and it has taken me several years to allow people other than my parents to hug me, and I now think I know why.
Between the ages of 9 and 12 (my brother was 13-16), my older brother molested me. I'm now 16 years old, and my memories resurfaced just over a year ago.
My brother made me sign a contract saying that, until I got my first period, he could use my body as long as I said yes, and that the contract and "sessions" were to be kept an absolute secret. He then did things like watching me urinate, trying to finger me (I wasn't sure what was happening, and I wet myself by accident), getting me to pose naked on all fours while he masturbated, coaxing me into giving him a handjob, and on one occasion penetrating me. He tried the "front way" first, but I was in pain, so then he tried... the "other way" and that was even worse. I don't think he'd even heard of lubricants. I said yes to him because he was my brother, but all I felt was pain and discomfort. And cold, because he would get me to strip down in the bushes outside our school sometimes.
I know it's not as bad as many of the other stories on here, but the whole thing still torments me on a regular basis. I began injuring myself not long after I remembered all of this, and the fact I have to maintain a normal sibling relationship with my brother only makes me feel worse. Outside the "sessions", and ever since they stopped, he and I have never spoken about what happened. It makes me doubt my own memories, but whenever I walk by that school I can still feel everything that happened. The branches of the bush we hid in, the coldness of the wind and the ground, that touch that felt so horribly wrong to me. I don't think I could have fabricated it. Not with how clearly I can remember it now.
Recently I discovered that my brother (now 21) was suicidally depressed and self harming at the time it happened, and he's been on antidepressants for several months now. I'm now past the age he was when he did those things to me, and I'm also now a suicidally depressed self-harmer, but I still could never do the things he did to me. Ever.
The problem is that I can't seek professional help for my current state. I still feel like I can't betray his trust, and I also don't want my parents to know any of it. They've dealt with enough while trying to help my brother through his difficult emotional times, the last thing they need is for their happy daughter to reveal she's also defective. Not to mention that the news of what happened between my brother and I would break them.
Even posting this on an online forum is horribly humiliating and terrifying. I'm not sure what I hope to gain from posting this, but here it is. Please be kind.

This is an anonymous forum, sweets, with many stories like this- there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassment or fear at posting this.

Recovery is a process. What happens leave scars, and that damage often shows in our behaviour. We struggle to fit in, find ourselves out of sync with society and the big one we all share is we find it very hard to be happy.

You deserve to be happy.

It is not easy, the human mind has a variety of stratgies for helping us cope, but these often are an impediment to our moving forward. It takes work.

the first step is recognition.

Now you don't need to do anything more right now. Understand it was not you, never was your fault, but telling your story right now may do more harm than good. When you have moved out, at sometime then it may be time to talk to your mum.

The trust issue just proves you are normal. You will find the right level.

Hi there!

Don't ever dismiss your experience by feeling that it wasn't "as bad" as what others have been through. You went through something terrible and it is YOUR experience. A horrible one that should never have happened.

Your brother knew what he was doing was wrong by virtue of the fact that he made you sign a contract making you keep everything he did to you a secret. He took advantage of your trust and knew better than to do that to you. For that I am so sorry and its good that you've come here to chat and find support. Of course its terrifying to come out with these things and it seems humiliating but there is nothing to be humiliated about. Nothing to be ashamed about. You were hurt and never should have been hurt to begin with.

One of the most important things to remember is that by recalling all of these moments doesn't mean you are reliving the experience in real life. These are memories that with some help (hopefully sometime soon you can get a counselor or someone to really help with this) can no longer plague your life. You lived the experience and you got through it. You can definitely find the strength and courage to find your way out of having these memories bring you down. You are stronger than you think and we are here to offer as much support as we possibly can.

Are you sure there is no one you can speak to professionally who might be able to help, or is this something you absolutely cannot do because of your parents?

*hugs*

"I'm having a very difficult time right now with some mental issues, and it has taken me several years to allow people other than my parents to hug me, and I now think I know why.
Between the ages of 9 and 12 (my brother was 13-16), my older brother molested me. I'm now 16 years old, and my memories resurfaced just over a year ago."

………I'm so sorry that happened to you. Things like that happening between kids are still abuse, just the same as if it was an adult, because if a kid is significantly older (I think like 4 years older) then they are considered old enough that they have power over the younger child or at least are in a different place in maturity, so, that means they were abusing you.

"My brother made me sign a contract saying that, until I got my first period, he could use my body as long as I said yes, and that the contract and "sessions" were to be kept an absolute secret. He then did things like watching me urinate, trying to finger me (I wasn't sure what was happening, and I wet myself by accident), getting me to pose naked on all fours while he masturbated, coaxing me into giving him a handjob, and on one occasion penetrating me. He tried the "front way" first, but I was in pain, so then he tried... the "other way" and that was even worse. I don't think he'd even heard of lubricants. I said yes to him because he was my brother, but all I felt was pain and discomfort. And cold, because he would get me to strip down in the bushes outside our school sometimes.

…………I'm so sorry that happened to you. Things like that should not happen to anyone, especially not a child. You didn't deserve to have anybody hurting you, making you do sexual things, using your body for their own purposes. It's not right. But it wasn't your fault that it happened.

"I know it's not as bad as many of the other stories on here,"

…………Don't ever think that what happened to you is insignificant because it isn't as bad as someone else's problems. I mean, then none of us could ever share anything, because there could always be someone out there with a worse story. It's not a competition. What happened affected you, just like what happened to me affected me. We are all here together.

"but the whole thing still torments me on a regular basis. I began injuring myself not long after I remembered all of this,"

…………have you ever had help with self harming? If not, or if you can't get outside help right now, try this. My therapist taught me this. TIP. Temperature, intensity, progressive relaxation. I'm no therapist- I'll just tell you what she told me. So the first thing- temperature- if you feel like hurting yourself, like let's say you normally cut your arms- instead, get ice cubes and put the ice on your arms where you would normally cut, because the ice can relieve that temptation, can be enough of a sensation that it relieves the urge to cut. You could run your arms under cold water that works too but I think ice helps more. The next thing is intensity, what you do is run or just run in place or do jumping jacks or something that's intense for like a few minutes. Doesn't need to be some exercise program, it's literally just taking maybe a minute or two. The other thing is progressive relaxation, which to me does not help me but I'll tell you because different things work for different people and maybe it will help you, progressive relaxation is just where you start with a body part and try to focus on totally relaxing it, like feeling all the muscles relax. So those are 3 things that can help with self harming but the thing is they are skills that have to be practiced- you can't try it and say oh well it didn't help, it's a skill so you have to keep doing it over and over and eventually it works. Don't give up!
Sometimes if the urge to self harm is really strong, and I feel like the above methods just aren't working, well, then I tell myself I can cut- but not right now.
What I mean is, cutting is bad, and I don't want you to do it! --but, mentally, it helps to tell yourself you can cut if you really want to, but you just have to wait just a little while.
Like telling yourself, "I can always cut later if I want to" but not doing it now, trying something else, focus on something else, just keep postponing it in your head, "well I can cut in twenty minutes but I can't right now because I'm busy" etc

"and the fact I have to maintain a normal sibling relationship with my brother only makes me feel worse."

…………I feel ya, my abuser is my stepmom and she's still in my life and I am around her a lot and being around the person makes it really hard.

"Outside the "sessions", and ever since they stopped, he and I have never spoken about what happened. It makes me doubt my own memories, but whenever I walk by that school I can still feel everything that happened. The branches of the bush we hid in, the coldness of the wind and the ground, that touch that felt so horribly wrong to me. I don't think I could have fabricated it. Not with how clearly I can remember it now."

…………I believe you. You believe you, too. I mean this isn't something where you were like 3 and have hazy memories of it. You were 9-12, plenty old enough to know what was happening and remember it very well.

"Recently I discovered that my brother (now 21) was suicidally depressed and self harming at the time it happened, and he's been on antidepressants for several months now."

…………it occurred to me that I wonder if someone abused him when he was younger and that's why he started to abuse someone else, abuse can be a cycle. Maybe/probably not, but it was just a thought. Regardless, it doesn't make it okay- it's not like if someone hurt him then it suddenly made it ok for him to hurt someone else. Nope.

"I'm now past the age he was when he did those things to me, and I'm also now a suicidally depressed self-harmer, but I still could never do the things he did to me. Ever."

…………someone once said something really profound to me. I've posted it here before. It was, 'If you can't understand how a person could hurt someone, it's because you're not that kind of person'.

"The problem is that I can't seek professional help for my current state. I still feel like I can't betray his trust,"

…………he broke your trust, yet you don't want to break his. You're obviously a very kind and good hearted person not to want to hurt him even after what he did. But it's time for you to take care of you. You would benefit from getting help, and you deserve to get help, so don't let your loyalties to him stop you from getting what you need to be happy and successful in your life.

"and I also don't want my parents to know any of it."

…………it feels embarrassing, I know. But it wasn't your fault.

"They've dealt with enough while trying to help my brother through his difficult emotional times,"

…………Not that anyone will be happy with the news, and it will be difficult for them, but if he is trying to get help for his problems, then whoever is helping him really needs to know what his problems ARE. How can he ever get better if there are still things that are swept under the rug and hidden from them? You don't owe him anything. But if you want to help him, revealing the depths of his problems is actually helpful, not hurtful.
Ok so like my stepmom abused me....What if, let's just say as an example, what if had turned to drugs to escape from my problems with being abused? And someone tried to help me get off drugs? But they didn't know I'd been abused? Getting me off drugs wouldn't solve the problem, would it? Because drugs were just a symptom of the problem. If they knew I was abused, that would really help them to know how to help me. If they keep thinking the drugs are the problem, I'll never be helped.

"the last thing they need is for their happy daughter to reveal she's also defective."

…………you are not defective. Something bad happened to you. And it's got you all mixed up inside. But that's not being defective, that's being human- when someone hurts us, we hurt. That's all there is to it. You're hurt.

"Not to mention that the news of what happened between my brother and I would break them."

…………if I were you I would say this to them. "When I was little, he made me do some things I didn't want to do, and I always wanted to tell you so you could stop him and help me, but I was just too scared to talk about it. I don't want to get him in trouble, but I think you should know what happened back then. Since you're helping him with his problems, I think it would help to know about what he was doing, so maybe he can figure out why he did these things and get help for it." Or something like that.
If it makes you feel better, you can phrase it that way- like the reason you want to tell them is so they can help him more. Phrasing it that way may be easier for you? Maybe less scary? I don't know, you can at least think about that and see if it seems do-able for you.

"Even posting this on an online forum is horribly humiliating and terrifying. I'm not sure what I hope to gain from posting this, but here it is. Please be kind."

We have all been through stuff that felt humiliating and terrifying too, so...you fit right in. Lol. We're here for you. No worries. We have heard it all. Plus we all have our own similar stuff that happened to us, so...we get it.

HatFullOfSky wrote:
Even posting this on an online forum is horribly humiliating and terrifying. I'm not sure what I hope to gain from posting this, but here it is. Please be kind.

This forum is anonymous and you are safe here. There are others here who can support you through this.