I was abused, but still don't know the truth. (TW)

Hello! I am 19 years old and very troubled by something. There are a few mysteries in my life, but the most interesting and most troubling, though, is the mystery surrounding the events of my early childhood. Those memories are repressed. The story goes that my father molested me and my mother had no idea. And I do believe I was molested. I can sort of tell, as I've always hated my body and family for what seemed like no reason and feel guilty about sex frequently. I also feel like a child, and I have a desire to be taken care of by my sexual partners. I almost feel like in order to be taken care of, I must be wanted sexually. It has always been this way. Small children with adults always seems sexual to me too, although I am not a pedophile.

But was it actually my dad? Who knows. I have bizarre memories surrounding the short-lived investigation, which was closed shortly after my dad moved away. I almost feel like the investigating psychologist may have trained me to say it was my father- he drew the images of my dad touching me and asked me "Is this what happened?" Shouldn't I have drawn them myself? My mom is able to recall my father's abuse with lots of detail, which is odd considering she supposedly had no idea it was happening. Her boss is the only licensed hypnotherapist in the state, and he was my therapist regarding the abuse when I was a toddler. I recall none of this. My mom is also bizarrely sexually open with my family, getting dressed in front of us and walking in on dressing, walking in on us bathing and using the bathroom, telling us our boyfriends are hot, discussing sexual fantasies with us. I am 20 next month and this makes me so uncomfortable. But my father is also a sex offender accused by other women. Adult women, but still.

Recently I experimented with trying a psychedelic drug- acid, I'm sure you've alheard of it- and I had bizarre memories in my head of playing a "game" with my sisters and mother where we performed oral sex on each other. I think my father may have watched. I actually remember being in a certain room when I reimagine this, and scrolling through family photos shows me this room existed. My family lived in a house with this room. A bare looking room with off white walls and a blue carpet. My mother, having hired a psychotherapist who could be sure the memories were repressed, lied to me my whole life about this. Did she? Now as an adult, when I have sex, I see it as evil and I feel like people have sex with their parents. My mind goes to my parents when I lay in bed with boys. When I see small children with their parents, it seems sexual to me. I am not a pedophile, though, and I know that.

This is very troubling for me. I do not trust my mother at all and just wanted you guys' opinion on whether or not this is potentially real or just me being dramatic.