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How to Feel About Abuser Being at My Sister's Wedding?

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How to Feel About Abuser Being at My Sister's Wedding?

Postby Juno1645 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:56 pm

I sent a letter to my sister's dad (my former stepdad) about ten years ago confronting him for sexually abusing me as a child. My sister did not take it well (He also molested her, but she did not remember at that time). She didn't believe me then, and almost didn't come to my wedding because of it. Now she is getting married and I thought she and I had really bonded the past few years, she asked me to be her maid of honor and my daughter to be her flower girl. She asked me if I was comfortable participating in the wedding with her dad and our (alcoholic) mom that I'm estranged with being there. I told her that the day is about her, to tell me where to be and what to wear and there would be no problems.

I recently visited her (thought the trip went well) but I feel like it may have been a trigger for her, she unexpectedly posted a rant against me and my mother on her facebook saying she no longer wants me and my daughter in the wedding and wouldn't return my calls for several weeks. When I finally convinced her to speak to me, she said she felt like she was having to please everyone and to protect me. I told her that I was fine, that again, we shouldn't let the actions of our parents ruin her wedding. She admitted that she remembers the abuse, but that she loves her dad and he has changed. He will be walking her down the aisle, but she decided that it was better if I'm not the maid of honor. I said that was fine if it lessened her stress, but that I didn't feel like she should punish my daughter. (My husband and I will both be there at all times, there's no chance my abuser will be near her or I wouldn't be considering this).

I'm trying to make this as easy and stress free for her as possible, i know that she needs to be able to deal with this in her own way. I want to be supportive and not let the abuser get the best of us. However, I'm starting to really struggle with the fact that I'm being cut out of her wedding (essentially punished) so her abuser can walk her down the aisle. It's just frustrating because I didn't make any demands and tried to be as helpful as possible, but now I'm dreading this wedding. I am using most of my PTO taking a week off work to travel there (as is my husband who won't be paid), spending $100s we can't really afford, I thought I'd be able to help her the day before the wedding, but she says everything is covered. So basically I feel like I'm spending all my time and money to go to a 2 hour event that I'm not even allowed to participate in. I'm trying to be patient and happy for her, but it's a little hard not to feel hurt when she's talking about getting her dad his tux, etc. And I'm just like, nothing.

How do I deal with this? I'm hurt, but this is her wedding, I don't want to make it about me. I rationalized before that this is my gift to her, to just let her do what she needs to do to enjoy her day, but I feel like I'm being punished so my abuser can be rewarded.
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Re: How to Feel About Abuser Being at My Sister's Wedding?

Postby Snaga » Sun Jul 17, 2016 7:12 am

HAs it happened yet? How did it go, if so? Me, I think I wouldn't have gone after all that.
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Re: How to Feel About Abuser Being at My Sister's Wedding?

Postby Terry E. » Sun Jul 17, 2016 9:25 am

Not sure your sister does not remember. She may have rationalized and explained it away and this could be opening it up.
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Re: How to Feel About Abuser Being at My Sister's Wedding?

Postby nmk1226 » Thu Jul 21, 2016 11:26 pm

It sounds to me like not only does your sister remember the abuse, but that she is acting like if she cuts the person who represents facing it head-on instead of denying it, out of the wedding then she won’t have to look at the situation and can go forward in her denial. I’m sorry that things are so painful for you and I can definitely understand about the money thing. If you are strong enough I think that making this your gift to her is a good way to approach this. Also I think you are right in that the day is ultimately about her, but that doesn’t give her license to treat you badly. I would feel the same way that I was being punished in order for my abuser to be included in the family circle. Unfortunately there really isn’t anything you can do about it except not go to the wedding and that is a decision only you can make. I hope that her eyes have been opened and she will confront her past and see how wrong her actions in this matter really are. Good Luck
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