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Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

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Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby mikey1904 » Sat Apr 16, 2016 12:07 am

What are some key factors in determing whether sexual exploring is considered absusive or just experimenting. Is it a gray area it seems like. I know age difference is one. But I heard a couple years is usually normal. But the thing is is coercion. I know there can be forceful threats but what about persuasion just doing as kids do. Saying oh come on or please let's play this for example.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Apr 17, 2016 8:08 am

that can be quite a difficult one to work out but i think that a certain amount of persuasion is just kids being kids - the difference between simple persuasion and abuse is the use of force and power in some way. An equality in how much power and ability to say no the children have.

I was abused by a peer when i was 10.. she told me that if i didn't, she'd tell everyone that i did and that everyone would believe her. Lots of other manipulation and threatening as well but that one was the one that was really difficult at the time..
I had a consensual (as consensual as kids can be with each-other anyway) thing going with a male friend when i was around 10/11 - he tried persuading me sometimes if i stopped him from touching me but he never threatened or acted differently towards me if i said no.

I now have fairly okay (though slightly embarrassed) feelings towards the male, but i feel hugely mixed and resentful towards the female - she really screwed me up for a while there.

want to talk a bit about why you're trying to figure things out a bit? completely okay if not..
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby BrandiD » Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:12 am

I actually know a man who lost his virginity when he was young (at eight years old) to a fifteen year old girl, but from my understanding it was consensual, she always would have stopped had he asked, and now at thirty-four he'll say he doesn't regret it. He doesn't consider that to have been abusive. So you're right, it really can be a gray area.

But like the above poster said, force and manipulation is usually where the line can be drawn, I'd say. . . . When I was eight I had a friend who was a little bit pushy about me showing her breasts, but she never forced me to do anything and I don't really remember her treating me differently, so I certainly wouldn't call that abuse. If, on the other hand, she had threatened to get me in trouble in some way or another (which would be manipulation), I would call that abuse.

I feel like childhood exploration isn't really talked about all that often, but perhaps it should be, at least a little bit more. I'm not necessarily saying that I think young kids should have sex, but I am saying that in the event that, say, two ten year olds have sex, that shouldn't be considered abusive unless one guilted the other into it (just for example), manipulated them, forced them, etc.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby seabreezeblue » Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:54 am

There's definitely a bit of a grey area but that doesn't include a 15 year old having sex with an 8 year old.. that's always abuse.
I'm glad that your friend doesn't view it as abuse - it's good that he doesn't feel affected in that way by what happened but that wasn't consensual by any definition of the term.

I do agree with the rest of your post though.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby BrandiD » Wed Apr 20, 2016 3:27 pm

Maybe I'm just used to calling it consensual because it was always important to him for it to be called as such. This situation can be confusing for me . . . and other people, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm glad that the rest of what I said wasn't "off," or anything like that. :)
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby seabreezeblue » Wed Apr 20, 2016 4:40 pm

That's fine.. it's really important to allow people to keep their views on their experiences.. if i had a friend with the same experience then while i wouldn't agree that it was consensual, I certainly wouldn't be arguing the subject with them beyond carefully stating that he wasn't capable of consent at that age.

and nope.. you weren't off at all with the rest of what you said.. I do think that this topic (children exploring with each-other) should be discussed a bit more.
It would help a lot of people that had sexual experiences with their peers and they're feeling like they did something wrong.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby brockovich4321 » Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:23 am

*Personal opinion & trigger warning*

My understanding of sexual exploration;
*children are no more then 2 years in age apart (not nessesserly chronological age but maturity age)
*There is not pressure or guilt beyond 'come on, I played your game for a bit, time to play mine' and other child AGREEING without the need for extensive pressure.

My understanding of sexual abuse:
*more then a 2 year age gap between children (again, not nessessery chronological age, but maturity age)
*Extensive pressure is put on the unwilling party (either in one particular incident or over an extended period of time)
*involves threats, phyisucal force or coercion.

My personal examples below;

Sexual Exploration: I was 5 & she was 6/7yo. She was interested. I was not. I gave it a go & didn't like it. I left the room & she didn't care. Although I'm not proud of this interaction as an adult. There was no force or coercion. I didn't like it & left & she didn't care. I class this as exploration.

Sexual Abuse: I was age 5 & the other girl was 9 years old. She physically forced me into doing something I didn't want to do. She held me down until she wanted to let me go. I was frightened. I forth hard. I could not escape & felt helpless.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby subterfuge » Sat Apr 23, 2016 11:03 am

BrandiD wrote:I actually know a man who lost his virginity when he was young (at eight years old) to a fifteen year old gir


Same as a male family member of mine. I think the ages are about the same, too
He doesn't see it as 'abuse', either.
Is it different for girls than for guys? I mean in the way they view it?
He talks about it like he's kind of proud and glad about it, whereas I can't imagine a girl who had sex with a 15 year old boy at 8 years old acting that way!
I guess that's why there's always huge fights on facebook comments that it's OK if A Hot female teacher has sex with a horny 14 year old pupil who was desperate for it and lots of people see it as 'victimless, whereas the other way around, that's never the case
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Apr 23, 2016 11:25 am

There are definitely differences in the way they're told that they should view things..
I've seen a lot of messed up adult males who had sexual experiences with females too much older than them and they feel like that can't possibly be why they struggle now - because they're taught that males are supposed to like sex and that they're always supposed to say yes.

If i had an 8 year old boy who was being touched sexually by a 15 year old girl.. that girl would be rapidly getting a visit from the police.

I don't differentiate between genders - I don't see why most of society (aside from professionals in the field) does either.. both boys and girls aren't capable of consent at such a young age.
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Re: Differences between sexual abuse and childhood exploring

Postby ghostler » Sat Apr 23, 2016 11:46 am

I don't think the differences can always be laid out like a checklist, but certainly any time someone doesn't feel like they have a choice it's abuse. I was abused by a girl only 3 years older, I don't remember much about it but I know I didn't want to be there at all. I can't say if she used any sort of coercion or threats but I was a "people pleaser" type so she might not have needed to do anything overt.

At a slightly older age I also engaged in sexual exploration with my year-older neighbor. I remember giggling a lot, we kept stopping because we were distracted by her new robot puppy. We put a thin scarf between our mouths because "it doesn't count as real kissing that way" and laughed about how clever we were. I definitely didn't feel threatened or forced, it just seemed like normal playing.
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