worthlessness *t*

SBB thank you. Your reply has made me cry. I was very angry with my friend and still am to some extent. She rang me several times that morning, but got my answering phone as I was on a week of nights. She also left me a sequence of numbers, which I got when I went into work (she left a message for me at work). I didn't understand it until I was entering something into the computer. The numbers were the grid reference of where she died. She was the one who stopped me so many times from taking the final step. She also helped me move into a refuge for a short time and helped to keep moving around when the cops were trying to find me.

smurf wrote:Struggling with feeling worthless. No real reason for it just now, but it's how I feel.

Worthless as in, your existence has no value?

As in being raped repeatedly since I was 8/9 years old. As in perhaps that is all I'm good for.

So sorry about what happened to your friend and you smurf. your last sentence is definitely completely wrong. no one at all deserves that. and I know that you do matter and have done many good things, you've helped a lot of people and continue to do that. many people don't bother trying to do things like that, nevermind when they struggle hugely with their own issues like you do. hugs

Thanks

Nightmares are so bad at the moment. So vivid and real. Last night it was as if they were playing in fast forward.


? T



It was the people who have hurt me. Their eyes. Everything always comes back to their eyes. The different eyes were raping me over and over again. I woke up when I heard the laughing that still scares me. Three maybe four men laughing together. One if them in particular stands out. They were laughing because they were hurting me and I was screaming with pain. I woke up screaming. All I feel is worthless. I thought they would have killed me by now, but no such look. Image in my head of his hands around my throat squeezing harder and harder and laughing. His eyes. His horrifying brown eyes.

I hate the fact that that happened to you smurf.. definitely not all you're good for - no child, no person ever deserves that to happen to them.
and i know you'd tell me it wasn't my fault and i didn't deserve it xx

smurf wrote:As in being raped repeatedly since I was 8/9 years old. As in perhaps that is all I'm good for.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't relate, but I can definitely understand your pain.

I don't agree that you're worthless because of that though, just like anyone else who's been raped. I think the people who raped you are the ones who are worthless.

Home alone. I know I need to avoid, but not sure it will be possible this time.

please try to do all you can to keep safe smurf. huge hugs. you have every right to be safe. im so sorry that the situation seems really hard.

huge hugs smurf.. please try and keep safe - call someone if you can to come and keep you company xx