Unsure if this is abuse

Confused 32 wrote:I find it strange that when we were both in that locked room, for the life of me cannot remember what happened next afer I sat down, until him leaving the room when my aunty called him. I dont know how much time passed either. Is it possible to have blocked something out? Yet i remember him locking the door and me sitting down extremley clearly.
We were on a motorbike once too, me sitting in front of him and I dont remember exactly where we had been. Why cant I remember that? When we got home I remember feeling sick and legs wobbly. There was blood on my leg, most likely from an animal out in the paddocks and I felt uneasy. I remember THAT feeling. He would always wink at me and call me his nickname for me.

Now I see it clear as day- he definitley wanted to be alone with me and isolate me from everyone. Same as when we were driving. I think I was definitley being groomed for something bolder and I think he may have just stopped because he knew the touching most likely wouldnt incriminate him later because it wasnt on sexual parts of the body. His goal was to confuse me so that I wouldnt question it.. He went as far as he could go without overstepping sexual boundaries. Its quite heartbreaking because its not defined or clear cut, like you say its not black or white, its a grey area. You have really helped me lots and have given me the courage to contact a therapist about this because it has obviously affected me to this day.

I actually feel really sorry for the little girl I was and the things I was exposed to when it shouldnt have been that way.
Again my apologies for all the essays. I have bottled this all up for years and now its like the floodgates have opened and I am remembering different things which helps pour my heart out. Xxx

Welcome back. And thanks for your input.

I am on my way to bed. but wanted to respond.

Every word you wrote is every person caught in this web. Every person, male and female, gay and straight, young and old, happy and sad, destroyed or rebuilt, married or single, coming up, or going down. You have literally described the entire chapter of sex abuse/ child molestation, it's affects, ramifications, after effects, early experience, wonderings, unease, jolts of sexual tension, that first sexual thrill, wondering what if, wanting more, loathing, desire, dreams, that realization of what may come, that self disrespect, the cycle- you nailed it all.

Listen. This forum is for you and all like you. You get to post whenever and however you like. If it means 10 post in one hour, that's fine. You run the show. If you want to post every day for a year, then that's fine too. We exist for you. You are what's important.

I'll get back to you tomorrow, and help you work through this. You feel free to say what you want.

Best- Rick

Thankyou Rick you are very sweet. Good night to you

Confused 32 wrote:Wow thanks soooo much for your reply and for your insight, its like you understand exactly how I am thinking! I still have so much doubt about myself and actions as to whether this was innapropriate of my uncle. I guess it doesnt have to have a label does it? It made me uncomfortable and thats suggestive of being innapropriate.
I dont know why he didnt take it further. We stopped going every holidays so he didnt have as much access. Perhaps i got older or he just wanted to stop before it got out of hand.I remember feeling rather rejected, thinking I wish he would-how awful is that to think that way??? I wanted him to love and care for me and show it. I used to and sometimes still now fantasise and wish he did 'take' me, so so very ashamed for this feeling. I remember as a teenager watching him with a younger cousin on his lap and he was being very affectionate with her so it makes me wonder.

10 years ago we were at my uncles sons wedding and my drunk sister asked me if he had ever done something to me. I was so shocked she asked and I said "of course not why?". She said my Mum found a journal under my mattress after I moved out of home. I do not recall what I had written in it. I think i may have expressed my desire towards him and i totally defended him to my sister telling her it was nothing and I was just a silly kid daydreaming. I felt mortified and ashamed that they knew but tried to brush it off as best I could.

I know I am harping on a bit here but I doubt myself and my thoughts and I just hope this is not attention seeking behaviour on my part and that I have blown this way out of proportion. I apprceciate that you previous reply has assured me its not and for that I thank you, you have been so generous with your understanding. I think what is obscuring things for me is the feelings i had towards him. My heart says no what he did was fine, then the rational adult brain of me says "hang on thats not normal behaviour of an adult to a child. I know myself as an adult i wouldnt lock myself and a child alone in a room, the only reason being to keep someone out.....I just put it down to his way of showing affection to me.

This has been consuming me all weekend and I havent had time to concentrate on my own children. I am not sure why this has a resurfaced when I havent thought much of it during the years. Perhaps the dream of him and I last week triggered something within me. I am hyper vigilant of the way my 8 year old daughter is hugged or made to kiss a relative. My husband cannot walk past me without wanting a hug and I can barely stand it for a second and break free from him. He gets upset with me and I feel like a horrible wife, I didnt know why all these years i hated his touch but its all making a bit of sense now.

Thankyou once again for your kindness and opinions. It was really nice to get someone elses different perspective on this as I am still doubting his actions. I am so very sorry that you have gone through something traumatic too xx

You're welcome. It's a privilege to be able to help.


You have more than one post, so I'll take them in the order you sent them.

I still have so much doubt about myself and actions as to whether this was innapropriate of my uncle. I guess it doesnt have to have a label does it? It made me uncomfortable and thats suggestive of being innapropriate.


I understand, and I am pretty sure most of us on this forum understand.

See, you liked it, and liked it a lot. You felt an enormous surge of sexual energy, and were literally overcome with urges and desires that opened up a new world for you. It made you feel very, very good. So, you ask yourself, how can that be bad, or, as you say, inappropriate?

There is plenty of debate about whether the molestation was the destructive factor, or whether the attitude of our culture saying it was wrong is the destructive factor. There is no label, no one size fits all. Plenty of people write and say they can't feel the "wrong" in what happened to them, that they loved it, they felt good about it. They loved the attention, the sex, the power- all of it. I don't disagree, I can't, I wasn't there. I just try to point out a larger picture- how it stays with you, changes you, manifests itself, the legality. It can destroy people. But I know plenty who accept it as just another chapter in their life, and roll with it.


I dont know why he didnt take it further. We stopped going every holidays so he didnt have as much access. Perhaps i got older or he just wanted to stop before it got out of hand.


All possible. Another possibility is that he was attracted to you as a 9 yr old girl, what with all your innocence and eagerness to please. As you got older, and matured, he may have had less of a sexual attraction to 12-15 yr old girls, and more of an attraction to 9-10 yr old girls. very common in this world. In other words, you did nothing. Just his fetish/desire/paraphilia.




I remember feeling rather rejected, thinking I wish he would-how awful is that to think that way??? I wanted him to love and care for me and show it. I used to and sometimes still now fantasise and wish he did 'take' me, so so very ashamed for this feeling. I remember as a teenager watching him with a younger cousin on his lap and he was being very affectionate with her so it makes me wonder.


Not awful at all, in fact, had you not felt this way, I might say you were deceiving yourself. Of course you felt this way. Why shouldn't you? Please don't feel shame for a perfectly normal reaction. Instead, try to embrace it and let it "work" for you. Own it. It's how you are now wired, so I say, use the fantasy and the desire and the entire situation to put you in a happy place. Why not?

10 years ago we were at my uncles sons wedding and my drunk sister asked me if he had ever done something to me. I was so shocked she asked and I said "of course not why?". She said my Mum found a journal under my mattress after I moved out of home. I do not recall what I had written in it. I think i may have expressed my desire towards him and i totally defended him to my sister telling her it was nothing and I was just a silly kid daydreaming. I felt mortified and ashamed that they knew but tried to brush it off as best I could.

I can see this catching you by surprise. But the average child molester, if we are calling him that, molests many, many kids, and most are never caught, because most victims never tell. So there may be others in that age range also.

Your feelings of mortification and shame are common and ok. But it's him that should feel that, not you. You didn't do anything wrong. He did. It's all too common that he gets away with it, while you are stuck with the after effects.


I know I am harping on a bit here but I doubt myself and my thoughts and I just hope this is not attention seeking behaviour on my part and that I have blown this way out of proportion. I apprceciate that you previous reply has assured me its not and for that I thank you, you have been so generous with your understanding. I think what is obscuring things for me is the feelings i had towards him. My heart says no what he did was fine, then the rational adult brain of me says "hang on thats not normal behaviour of an adult to a child. I know myself as an adult i wouldnt lock myself and a child alone in a room, the only reason being to keep someone out.....I just put it down to his way of showing affection to me.

No, you aren't blowing anything out of proportion at all. Your reactions and imagery and feelings are so common that we should really call it the default mode.

You trusted him. So everything he did was already pre-forgiven. That's how we as kids look up to the adults we love and trust. Very, very hard , even with kids who are savagely beaten or raped by the adults in their life they love and trust to hate them. They look for ways to forgive, ways to repair, ways to rebuild, they go miles out of their way to keep those adults in their life, so strong are those early bonds. You are simply looking for a way to forgive him, keep the memory and doing a damage assessment. It's all fine.


This has been consuming me all weekend and I havent had time to concentrate on my own children. I am not sure why this has a resurfaced when I havent thought much of it during the years. Perhaps the dream of him and I last week triggered something within me. I am hyper vigilant of the way my 8 year old daughter is hugged or made to kiss a relative. My husband cannot walk past me without wanting a hug and I can barely stand it for a second and break free from him. He gets upset with me and I feel like a horrible wife, I didnt know why all these years i hated his touch but its all making a bit of sense now.

Most likely, you hated his touch because he wasn't your Uncle touching you and making your heart skip a beat. Not his fault nor yours, but your Uncle's fault for putting you in such an uncomfortable position.

I call all of this the Backwords World. You should hate him for what he did, yet you don't. You should feel disgust for what he did, but it's really the opposite, the thoughts of it alone make you want more. You should out him, but you won't. You should go to your husband for moral support, but you can't. You should look for a sexuality that embraces the honest love and trust of a married couple, but you can't, you can't, you can't. Everything is Backwords. That's the new world we all find ourselves in.

Your Uncle changed you. And now, you have to ask yourself. Is what happened to me when I was 9, all the feelings, all the touching, all the nervous sexual energy worth what I have now become as a grown woman? Did I get more than I gave? Was it worth it? What can I point to inside myself and say, Thank you for this gift. Or, do you look at yourself and say, it took from me more than what I got back in return. Only you can know.

Again, I hope this helps. I'll get to your other posts in time. I had to Google up "Ute", I didn't know that term. Ha!

Hi Rick, I had to smile when you said you had to Google what a ute was Im Australian so I guess its what Americans would call a pick up truck?

I absolutley agree in that my Uncle changed me. I dont think the sexual tension, nervousness & confusion was worth it to be honest. It has confused and warped my perception in many aspects of life and of what love should be. I was just a young girl with no male role model, wanted to be loved and feel secure. He took advantage of that. I agree that I am doing a damage assessment and trying to define it for what it was so that it makes sense and I can'roll with it'. I will no longer feel guilty about the fanatsies and accept them for what they are.

I can relate to your description of a Backwards world, I do not hate him and would never out him. But like you said, the bigger picture- it changes you, manifests in other ways and rewires you. I would have to say, if my past wasnt sinister I wouldnt still be thinking of it all these years. I used to think it hadnt affected me but it obviously has. I love him with all my heart but when my husband and I are intimate I cannot wait for him to finish and I just go through the motions. I have never had an orgasm with him and it doesnt bother me at all. He wants to pleasure me but I push him away, I do not want it. So yes it has affected me and my husband and i should confide in a therapist before my marriage crumbles.

I just want to ask. When my Uncle touched me, was it intended to pleasure me or himself, or both? And to clarify, when I stated that I wish he had done more to me, and you said I would be deceiving myself if I had not thought that, does it mean I would be lying to myself if I didnt admit I liked it and wanted it to go further?

Thank you again Rick I hope you know how much your advice, non judgements and support in helping me come to terms with my past and present, means a great deal to me. I feel different, its like I finally am seeing my way out of the dark and seeing things for what they really are. I can now say 'thats what happened, thats why I am different and its all okay' and not qusetion myself so much anymore. I hope you are having a good day or night wherever you may be xx

Confused 32 wrote:I also wanted to mention that past memories have been poking up lately too, not related to my uncle but could have shaped the person I am today.

When I was 10 years old my sister and her friend and I were riding our bikes to school through our local caravan park, it was our shortcut to school. A man in a tent was mastubating as we rode past and was smiling at us. My sister and friend were laughing but I remembed feeling scared.

One man that was living with us at age 11 used to pin my arms down and lay on top of me and licked my face. I dont know why he did, it was a sick game.It was revolting and I had no strength to get him off me except to scream.

Another memory is at age 11, is one of my mums friends was in the car with us on the way home one night. We were in the back seat and it was cold. He had his body right up against me and I think he had been drinking and rubbed my upper thigh. I got those nervous/sexual euphoria feelings. When we got home my Mum had to go to the airport to collect someone. It was getting late and this man kept insisting she leave us girls with him while she went. I remember screaming inside thinking "Mum dont leave me here with him!" but couldn't say anything. Luckily she took us with her. My intuition was so strong at a young age.

As a 15 year old we were at a New Years eve concert and an older Indian man standing close behind me touched my bottom and rubbed himself up against me and holding my hips from behind dancing to the music. I kept moving away from him and felt sick buf didnt want to draw attention to it. I have no idea why none of my family were protecting me at this time, I felt soooo bad.

I remember developing quite early and at age 12 I used to get duct tape and tape my breasts to make them flatter. I didnt want to grow up and have relatives notice having breasts

What on earth is wrong with me???? I mustve had a big sign on me saying VULNERABLE or something. Maybe I sent out little signal saying I want attention. This all feels so odd when I think back on it. I thought it was normal. No wonder ive had issues and been scared of men. My husband is the first man I kissed and slept with. I remember thinking I was so glad to not have brothers and a Dad- as men intimidated me.
. My Mum has put me in a lot of situations/environments that I now question. Lots of boyfriends and male friends.
I do not expect a reply at all, as you have been so wonderful to me already. It feels like a release getting this all out in a safe place, looking back on all these events its pretty scary for a girl from the ages of 9 to 15 to have gone through. I should be kinder to myself.

No reason not to answer you after you took the time to write.


What on earth is wrong with me???? I mustve had a big sign on me saying VULNERABLE or something. Maybe I sent out little signal saying I want attention. This all feels so odd when I think back on it. I thought it was normal. No wonder ive had issues and been scared of men. My husband is the first man I kissed and slept with. I remember thinking I was so glad to not have brothers and a Dad- as men intimidated me.
. My Mum has put me in a lot of situations/environments that I now question. Lots of boyfriends and male friends.
I do not expect a reply at all, as you have been so wonderful to me already. It feels like a release getting this all out in a safe place, looking back on all these events its pretty scary for a girl from the ages of 9 to 15 to have gone through. I should be kinder to myself.


One thing we do know is that people that have been molested are much more likely to be molested again. Why? No one is exactly sure, but we speculate that there is a sense of vulnerability and lack of self esteem that other molesters pick up on.

They may unconsciously put themselves into situations where they are more likely to be molested. Or their parents may be absent or not paying attention, and put them into dangerous situations, as you point out your mom did. Their vulnerability comes out clear to someone looking for it.

Sadly, lots of girls get unwanted attention, the last stats I read were something like 80% or so. Most girls don't like it. But it's the lonely, the insecure, the left-alone, the not paid attention to, the ones seeking attention who seem to be the most vulnerable.

None of this is your fault. A strong male in your life would have been a big help, and you chose your Uncle for this role. Not your fault at all.

Yes. Please be kinder to yourself.

Wonderful advice yet again Rick, are you a therapist by any chance? You are very good!

Have appreciated you still replying to this thread and for the beautiful personal messages too. I will sleep better tonight after reading your PMs.

I agree people pick up on low self esteem and confidence. Its still happening to me unconciously as an adult unfortunatley.

Nothing to do but pull up my socks and try to move forward with my life. Happy Easter to you and your family x

Tegan

Confused 32 wrote:Me again unfortunately. I wanted to mention that my Mum keeps saying that my Uncle would love it if my husband, kids and I came to visit and stay on the farm- if we would like to he says we are more than welcome. I hate it when she mentions it. Why us? Why doesnt he invite my sister and her kids? The last time I saw him a few years ago he was very standoffish and when we hugged it was a very strained awkward hug. Thats what makes me think it was all in my head all those years ago. I imagined he was going to hug me tight...

I can only imagine the awkward tension between you two with you as an adult. Things not said, words not explaining, body language tense. Him being standoffish is very common for people who might like to do more, realize they can't and so what happens is more of a standoff than a coming together.

It sounds like you would like to have him in your life in some ways, so I don't know why you wouldn't go. You are just going to have to find a way, assuming you want to, to reinvent your relationship. Plenty of people keep their abuser in their lives, they say and seem to function better, as the abuser seems to ' know " them better than anyone else. At least, that's the dominant thought I have heard expressed.

He's either in or out. Staying in between those two options will cause you lots of stress and anxiety. Think about it.

-- Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:40 pm --

Confused 32 wrote:I find it strange that when we were both in that locked room, for the life of me cannot remember what happened next afer I sat down, until him leaving the room when my aunty called him. I dont know how much time passed either. Is it possible to have blocked something out? Yet i remember him locking the door and me sitting down extremley clearly.
We were on a motorbike once too, me sitting in front of him and I dont remember exactly where we had been. Why cant I remember that? When we got home I remember feeling sick and legs wobbly. There was blood on my leg, most likely from an animal out in the paddocks and I felt uneasy. I remember THAT feeling. He would always wink at me and call me his nickname for me.

Now I see it clear as day- he definitley wanted to be alone with me and isolate me from everyone. Same as when we were driving. I think I was definitley being groomed for something bolder and I think he may have just stopped because he knew the touching most likely wouldnt incriminate him later because it wasnt on sexual parts of the body. His goal was to confuse me so that I wouldnt question it.. He went as far as he could go without overstepping sexual boundaries. Its quite heartbreaking because its not defined or clear cut, like you say its not black or white, its a grey area. You have really helped me lots and have given me the courage to contact a therapist about this because it has obviously affected me to this day.

I actually feel really sorry for the little girl I was and the things I was exposed to when it shouldnt have been that way.
Again my apologies for all the essays. I have bottled this all up for years and now its like the floodgates have opened and I am remembering different things which helps pour my heart out. Xxx

We are all glad to offer up a place to let yourself find the peace you need.

It's very possible to block something out and not remember it for years, or maybe never. Our brains just don't recall like we like them to.

Like you say, there all sorts of possibilities here. he could have been worried he would go to far. He could have had his wife become suspicious. He could have just decided that it wasn't worth all the risk. Or, he could have just happy with the touching he was doing. Or, all of it.

Normalizing the crossing of boundaries is common here. If he touched you often and inappropriately often enough, and you liked it, then where on earth could you find the " wrong " in it as a 9 yr old girl?

Yes, I do believe a therapist would be a great help. I hope you find one that can help.

Confused 32 wrote:Hi Rick, I had to smile when you said you had to Google what a ute was Im Australian so I guess its what Americans would call a pick up truck?

I absolutley agree in that my Uncle changed me. I dont think the sexual tension, nervousness & confusion was worth it to be honest. It has confused and warped my perception in many aspects of life and of what love should be. I was just a young girl with no male role model, wanted to be loved and feel secure. He took advantage of that. I agree that I am doing a damage assessment and trying to define it for what it was so that it makes sense and I can'roll with it'. I will no longer feel guilty about the fanatsies and accept them for what they are.

I can relate to your description of a Backwards world, I do not hate him and would never out him. But like you said, the bigger picture- it changes you, manifests in other ways and rewires you. I would have to say, if my past wasnt sinister I wouldnt still be thinking of it all these years. I used to think it hadnt affected me but it obviously has. I love him with all my heart but when my husband and I are intimate I cannot wait for him to finish and I just go through the motions. I have never had an orgasm with him and it doesnt bother me at all. He wants to pleasure me but I push him away, I do not want it. So yes it has affected me and my husband and i should confide in a therapist before my marriage crumbles.

I just want to ask. When my Uncle touched me, was it intended to pleasure me or himself, or both? And to clarify, when I stated that I wish he had done more to me, and you said I would be deceiving myself if I had not thought that, does it mean I would be lying to myself if I didnt admit I liked it and wanted it to go further?

Thank you again Rick I hope you know how much your advice, non judgements and support in helping me come to terms with my past and present, means a great deal to me. I feel different, its like I finally am seeing my way out of the dark and seeing things for what they really are. I can now say 'thats what happened, thats why I am different and its all okay' and not qusetion myself so much anymore. I hope you are having a good day or night wherever you may be xx

I absolutley agree in that my Uncle changed me. I dont think the sexual tension, nervousness & confusion was worth it to be honest. It has confused and warped my perception in many aspects of life and of what love should be. I was just a young girl with no male role model, wanted to be loved and feel secure. He took advantage of that. I agree that I am doing a damage assessment and trying to define it for what it was so that it makes sense and I can'roll with it'. I will no longer feel guilty about the fanatsies and accept them for what they are.

I like what you have to say here. He did change you, and the price you have had to pay for the giddiness, the heart-beating sexual tension, the feelings of security have been enormous.

And you don't pay a one-time cost. You pay over and over again, day in and day out, with no discernible benefit. You don't get back in equal value what you are paying. You fall into " soul sucking territory", slip in and out of the Backwords World, and pretty soon everyone is dragged along with you.

" The heart out of the bosom
is never given in vain
" Tis paid with sighs a plenty
and sold for endless rue
And now I'm two and twenty
and oh, 'tis true, 'tis true"


I can relate to your description of a Backwards world, I do not hate him and would never out him. But like you said, the bigger picture- it changes you, manifests in other ways and rewires you. I would have to say, if my past wasnt sinister I wouldnt still be thinking of it all these years. I used to think it hadnt affected me but it obviously has. I love him with all my heart but when my husband and I are intimate I cannot wait for him to finish and I just go through the motions. I have never had an orgasm with him and it doesnt bother me at all. He wants to pleasure me but I push him away, I do not want it. So yes it has affected me and my husband and i should confide in a therapist before my marriage crumbles.


I wish everyone who has had comitted abuse, or had to endure abuse in any form without consenting to it could read this and realize just how much it affects people over the long run, and in the bigger picture. It's not "just a touch', it's not " just a statement", it's not " just a kiss'. It carries enormous power and weight and it can, for the majority, be a back breaking burden to have to carry.



And to clarify, when I stated that I wish he had done more to me, and you said I would be deceiving myself if I had not thought that, does it mean I would be lying to myself if I didnt admit I liked it and wanted it to go further?

Yes. There is no shame in admitting you liked it and wished he did more. None at all. You have lots of company, the majority of people I talk to feel the same. Not all. Some truly hate, with a viciousness that is unequaled. But although most, like you, wish it hadn't happened, most have it embedded into their sexual wiring, and use it over and over again, with all the thoughts and fantasies that go with it.


I just want to ask. When my Uncle touched me, was it intended to pleasure me or himself, or both?

This is one of the greatest questions I have ever been asked on here. Thank you. It shows introspection, honesty, candor and wonder.

In order to answer correctly, I would simply have to know more about him as a person. Was he happy? Good marriage? Job? Poor? Educated? Have kids of his own? Help you with school? Take you places? Kind? Nice wife? Liberal views? Racist? Honest? Courageous? Have integrity?

Things like that. People may write and say he couldn't have been any of these things if he abused you. But people don't fit into nice and neat categories, nice packages of right and wrong. Often times great leaders have great sins. Often times, our best have traits in them that are not their best. Important we understand people and learn forgiveness and compassion.

For all you know, he hates himself for what he did and suffers every night thinking about it. He may be suffering exactly like you, and you just don't know it, and his life may be in all sorts of turmoil because of it. and all of us, so worried about our own lives, go blithely along thinking about just us, without an eye cast out amongst anyone else.

Common humanity. We all share it.

Yes you are absolutely correct. Its the being stuck in between, guessing, tension questioning etc that I feel is worse than the abuse. You are right, I do want to see him, I just didnt want to admit it. Who on earth wants to be anywhere near their abuser?. You are so insightful. I feel so much better about everything. I feel more at peace with the situation.
I forgive quite easily to be honest, I just dont forget things in a hurry

Yes he was a very good Uncle, happy, rich. Very affectionate, humourous, charming.Very respected in the community, parishoner, farmer, sporty, loving husband with 2 great kids. Everyone loves him. Thats why I adore him. Yes used to take me places, no gifts that I can remember. Liked to teach me things on the farm, get me involved etc.

Thanks again, you have really made me think about this in a different light, how wonderful it is to not feel like a victim anymore. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

daydreaming32 wrote:Yes you are absolutely correct. Its the being stuck in between, guessing, tension questioning etc that I feel is worse than the abuse. You are right, I do want to see him, I just didnt want to admit it. Who on earth wants to be anywhere near their abuser?. You are so insightful. I feel so much better about everything. I feel more at peace with the situation.
I forgive quite easily to be honest, I just dont forget things in a hurry

Yes he was a very good Uncle, happy, rich. Very affectionate, humourous, charming.Very respected in the community, parishoner, farmer, sporty, loving husband with 2 great kids. Everyone loves him. Thats why I adore him. Yes used to take me places, no gifts that I can remember. Liked to teach me things on the farm, get me involved etc.

Thanks again, you have really made me think about this in a different light, how wonderful it is to not feel like a victim anymore. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Since all the traits you associate with him are positive, then I would say he touched you for your happiness and for his also. This may have been a part of him that you view negatively, but that's just one part of him. Good people make mistakes. Just the human condition.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to sit down alone with him and talk about, try to see it from his side? If you do decide that might help, then remember it's all about asking the right questions. Not getting the right answers, because there are no right answers.

I enjoyed our give and take. I sincerely wish you the best, and hope to catch up with you on the road one day. Just FYI, no, I am not a therapist. I am a farmer.

Be well.