I'd like some advice

Hello. I was sexually abused by my mother's now ex-boyfriend as a child over several years. It has now been around 8 years since I've seen this man. I was too scared and ashamed as a child to tell anyone, and by the time I had the sudden realization of how horrible and disgusting what happened to me was, I felt like it had been too long to bring it up again. Replaced with that fear was anger, and then finally a feeling of moving on. Despite feeling like I've moved on emotionally, I have permanent personal issues which I've always been in denial about this causing. I know it is probably the abuse which caused them, but it hurts to admit it because it makes me angry at this person all over again for ruining my life. I am now halfway through my 20's and have turned down every relationship possibility thrown at me. I am terrified of emotional intimacy. I thought physical intimacy would be the problem, but it isn't. I simply feel terrified of getting close to people romantically. It even troubles my normal friendships because I do not like showing my feelings. People who don't know me think I'm non-empathetic, but it's actually the opposite - I just hide it all away. I have extremely bad social anxiety, which makes forming new relationship with people nearly impossible. It makes trying to get a career a nightmare. It honestly makes me feel like I'll never overcome this and I'll die as a lonely failure.

I suppose my question is - is my past abuse really a factor in these problems I have now? Up until recently I've denied it so much, but I can't really anymore after years of it creeping up on me and slowly realizing how bad my anxiety about people is. Also, does anyone who might have been/is in a similar situation have any advice for me? I'm not sure how to move on and face my fears. They are extremely strong and make living a normal life seem so farfetched. Only a few select people in my life know about what happened. My mother does not, because I feel like it would destroy her with guilt. Only a few of my closest friends. That is why it feels so weird to post on here. Do counselors really help? I want to start my life finally, but I feel stuck, like any step forward is walking off a cliff.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of that. Even if you don't have an answer for me, I appreciate that you did.

'Petals,

You and I have been subjected to what I take to be similar abuse as little girls at the hands of predatory men, although mine was at a younger age and did not continue as long as yours. Based on my experience, and the introspection afforded by an understanding therapist, I think it highly likely that abuse has played a significant role in your ability to sustain, or even enter in to, relationships. While bearing in mind that meaningful relationships always present challenges, sexual abuse among children is well known to have enduring affects on people.

While we seem to have responded differently to our ordeals, we share certain characteristics. Difficulty trusting men is a common issue among women who were abused as girls, as are intimacy issues. But I also think that these are issues that can be addressed in our lives, and that we can reasonably hope to prevail over them. Please don't feel you have to struggle with such issues alone. While forums such as this can help, I urge you to seek the help of a professional therapist with experience dealing with women suffering the after affects of sexual abuse as children.

Please let us know how you fare dealing with these issues that are compromising your life.

Thank you pistils. Someone gave me a number to call not long ago that I might try out once I get the courage to. As of right now I don't believe I can afford a professional but once I can it's something I want to try.

BrassPetals wrote:Hello. I was sexually abused by my mother's now ex-boyfriend as a child over several years. It has now been around 8 years since I've seen this man. I was too scared and ashamed as a child to tell anyone, and by the time I had the sudden realization of how horrible and disgusting what happened to me was, I felt like it had been too long to bring it up again. Replaced with that fear was anger, and then finally a feeling of moving on. Despite feeling like I've moved on emotionally, I have permanent personal issues which I've always been in denial about this causing. I know it is probably the abuse which caused them, but it hurts to admit it because it makes me angry at this person all over again for ruining my life. I am now halfway through my 20's and have turned down every relationship possibility thrown at me. I am terrified of emotional intimacy. I thought physical intimacy would be the problem, but it isn't. I simply feel terrified of getting close to people romantically. It even troubles my normal friendships because I do not like showing my feelings. People who don't know me think I'm non-empathetic, but it's actually the opposite - I just hide it all away. I have extremely bad social anxiety, which makes forming new relationship with people nearly impossible. It makes trying to get a career a nightmare. It honestly makes me feel like I'll never overcome this and I'll die as a lonely failure.

I suppose my question is - is my past abuse really a factor in these problems I have now? Up until recently I've denied it so much, but I can't really anymore after years of it creeping up on me and slowly realizing how bad my anxiety about people is. Also, does anyone who might have been/is in a similar situation have any advice for me? I'm not sure how to move on and face my fears. They are extremely strong and make living a normal life seem so farfetched. Only a few select people in my life know about what happened. My mother does not, because I feel like it would destroy her with guilt. Only a few of my closest friends. That is why it feels so weird to post on here. Do counselors really help? I want to start my life finally, but I feel stuck, like any step forward is walking off a cliff.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of that. Even if you don't have an answer for me, I appreciate that you did.

Welcome. And thank you for sharing your story.

I am going to need some more information in order to pinpoint the issues you have brought up. But we can say from past experience and every type of evidence that yes, your past abuse is a factor in your day to day problems. Your present day response to the past trauma is consistent with other people who have been abused. You have plenty of company, your feelings are very common to your abuse.

How much? We don't know because we don't know what we need to know to scale it down.

You say you last saw this guy 8 years ago, when you were 17. Can you tell us the ages when the abuse occurred? How long is "several years"? Is there a dad or other male role model around? What type of mom was your mom as a parent?

You don't need to go into too much detail, but could you explain what was going on? Different types of abuse can affect you in different ways, it might help here. Are you in school? Did you graduate school? Are there drugs involved? Alcohol? Self destructive issues?

We are just looking for an overall assessment of what happened and where you are more specifically, it can be very helpful. Everyone reacts differently to abuse, but other factors in your life growing up can help or exacerbate the problems.

To help ease your mind- No, this doesn't have to be permanent, and you needn't worry about dying a lonely failure, as long as steps are taken. No, who you are today doesn't mean that's the you you are going to be tomorrow, or next month, next year, or 5 years down the road.

Yes, certain types of therapists are tremendous help. Yes, almost all of us here have been through all types of trauma like yourself. There is help, there is relief, and there can be a bright future for you.

We are looking forward to hearing from you again.

mrms99 wrote:
Welcome. And thank you for sharing your story.

I am going to need some more information in order to pinpoint the issues you have brought up. But we can say from past experience and every type of evidence that yes, your past abuse is a factor in your day to day problems. Your present day response to the past trauma is consistent with other people who have been abused. You have plenty of company, your feelings are very common to your abuse.

How much? We don't know because we don't know what we need to know to scale it down.

You say you last saw this guy 8 years ago, when you were 17. Can you tell us the ages when the abuse occurred? How long is "several years"? Is there a dad or other male role model around? What type of mom was your mom as a parent?

You don't need to go into too much detail, but could you explain what was going on? Different types of abuse can affect you in different ways, it might help here. Are you in school? Did you graduate school? Are there drugs involved? Alcohol? Self destructive issues?

We are just looking for an overall assessment of what happened and where you are more specifically, it can be very helpful. Everyone reacts differently to abuse, but other factors in your life growing up can help or exacerbate the problems.

To help ease your mind- No, this doesn't have to be permanent, and you needn't worry about dying a lonely failure, as long as steps are taken. No, who you are today doesn't mean that's the you you are going to be tomorrow, or next month, next year, or 5 years down the road.

Yes, certain types of therapists are tremendous help. Yes, almost all of us here have been through all types of trauma like yourself. There is help, there is relief, and there can be a bright future for you.

We are looking forward to hearing from you again.

Hi, thanks for responding.

My mom started dating this man shortly after divorcing my father when I was 8 years old. The abuse didn't start happening until I was about 10. Being a child I didn't pay attention to warning signs I can look back on now before it even started happening. He would find excuses to come into the bathroom when I was bathing, and I caught him peeking sometimes. Eventually he became really bold and started saying things like "you wanted me to see it", ect. After he started saying those things, he would come into my room at night and do nasty things for about 4 years. He mostly made me touch him or would touch me, rub up against me, kiss me ect. But a few times he tried to undress me fully which I would stop out of fear. Sometimes he tried to give me money in exchange for touching him. By the time I was 14 I started avoiding him and acting hostile towards him because I was becoming aware of what he was doing. By the time I was 16 I started encouraging my mother to get rid of him because he was an abusive asshole towards her, she finally listened after about a year.

My dad was there for me more than my mother. He was a good father even though he never provided much. We didn't get along well when I was young because I had an attitude problem and was rebellious, but still running to my dads was my safe haven as a child when the environment at my moms was dangerous. I know if I told him he would either go kill the guy or get himself killed, I was way too scared to.

My mom is a good person but a bad mother. She couldn't be a mother because she was being heavily manipulated and also abused by this man. She was also an alcoholic. She was blind to what was happening to me because of that, I believe. He once poured boiling hot coffee on her when they were arguing which gave her 3rd degree burns. He would push and hit her. She would usually try to lock the doors and keep me from being in the same room as them when they fought, but I sometimes found my way in and tried to attack him for hitting her. Even after all of this she would still talk about marrying him. My mom and I also got into violent physical fights. When she was mad at me she'd throw things or drag me by my hair. I was bad myself, I would break windows and objects around the house in frustration. This stopped after the man was out of the picture. I honestly believe he changed her personality completely the entire time they were together and she was probably extremely depressed. She has become so much better over the years since, but sadly remained an alcoholic which is now causing major health problems for her. She also got hepatitis from him.

School was an escape so I actually loved it. I didn't make good grades until college, though. I graduated from college last summer with a BSc focused in criminal justice.

Thanks for showing interest in my story and trying to help I really appreciate it. It actually felt kind of relieving typing all of that out - I've never gone that much into detail before EVER. I'm sorry if it was too much, but I almost couldn't stop myself, it just felt like I was finally getting a lot of it off my chest. I hope the information I gave can help to understand me better.

BrassPetals wrote:

mrms99 wrote:


Hi, thanks for responding.

My mom started dating this man shortly after divorcing my father when I was 8 years old. The abuse didn't start happening until I was about 10. Being a child I didn't pay attention to warning signs I can look back on now before it even started happening. He would find excuses to come into the bathroom when I was bathing, and I caught him peeking sometimes. Eventually he became really bold and started saying things like "you wanted me to see it", ect. After he started saying those things, he would come into my room at night and do nasty things for about 4 years. He mostly made me touch him or would touch me, rub up against me, kiss me ect. But a few times he tried to undress me fully which I would stop out of fear. Sometimes he tried to give me money in exchange for touching him. By the time I was 14 I started avoiding him and acting hostile towards him because I was becoming aware of what he was doing. By the time I was 16 I started encouraging my mother to get rid of him because he was an abusive asshole towards her, she finally listened after about a year.

My dad was there for me more than my mother. He was a good father even though he never provided much. We didn't get along well when I was young because I had an attitude problem and was rebellious, but still running to my dads was my safe haven as a child when the environment at my moms was dangerous. I know if I told him he would either go kill the guy or get himself killed, I was way too scared to.

My mom is a good person but a bad mother. She couldn't be a mother because she was being heavily manipulated and also abused by this man. She was also an alcoholic. She was blind to what was happening to me because of that, I believe. He once poured boiling hot coffee on her when they were arguing which gave her 3rd degree burns. He would push and hit her. She would usually try to lock the doors and keep me from being in the same room as them when they fought, but I sometimes found my way in and tried to attack him for hitting her. Even after all of this she would still talk about marrying him. My mom and I also got into violent physical fights. When she was mad at me she'd throw things or drag me by my hair. I was bad myself, I would break windows and objects around the house in frustration. This stopped after the man was out of the picture. I honestly believe he changed her personality completely the entire time they were together and she was probably extremely depressed. She has become so much better over the years since, but sadly remained an alcoholic which is now causing major health problems for her. She also got hepatitis from him.

School was an escape so I actually loved it. I didn't make good grades until college, though. I graduated from college last summer with a BSc focused in criminal justice.

Thanks for showing interest in my story and trying to help I really appreciate it. It actually felt kind of relieving typing all of that out - I've never gone that much into detail before EVER. I'm sorry if it was too much, but I almost couldn't stop myself, it just felt like I was finally getting a lot of it off my chest. I hope the information I gave can help to understand me better.

Thank you for taking time to give us more detail.

Honestly, after reading what you wrote I had to back away from the forum and spend some time alone mulling over your life so far. It affected me greatly, maybe because I could relate to much of it, even though I am a man. It's just sad how we treat our young in this world, and how carnage gets passed on from generation to generation.

I am going to take both your posts and try to make a timeline of what happened and see if we both can make some sense out of senselessness.

My mom started dating this man shortly after divorcing my father when I was 8 years old. The abuse didn't start happening until I was about 10.

Having a strong male role model around growing up makes a tremendous difference in a young girl's life, far more than a female role model. Girls that lack this are two and three times more likely to drop out of school, get pregnant, use drugs, drink, have sex earlier, almost everything we as parents want to our kids to avoid. Having your dad around as a safe haven to run to is not the same as having him around. This alone pushed you to the back of the line from the beginning.

The abuse didn't start happening until I was about 10. Being a child I didn't pay attention to warning signs I can look back on now before it even started happening. He would find excuses to come into the bathroom when I was bathing, and I caught him peeking sometimes.

The typical sexual abuser is a situational abuser, which is different than a pedophile or an hebephile. They take whatever opportunity they have to find some sort of sexual gratification, or sexual conquest where they find it, regardless of age, or sometimes gender, or relationship, or position of power. They lack any type of ethics or morals, looking for what they want regardless of how their actions might affect anyone near them.

A pedophile has an attraction to a certain age group, maybe 4-10 years old, a hebephile maybe 11-14, give or take. They rarely act on their feelings, and live out their lives wishing things were different. They can be good people just dealt a hand that can't be played out. Your mom's boyfriend was a violent, abusive man who pulled you and your mom into maelstrom of destruction.

Eventually he became really bold and started saying things like "you wanted me to see it", ect. After he started saying those things, he would come into my room at night and do nasty things for about 4 years. He mostly made me touch him or would touch me, rub up against me, kiss me ect. But a few times he tried to undress me fully which I would stop out of fear.

Again, this is typical for the abuser, pushing the game to new heights, forcing the abused person to do more and more. You know how rape is about control right? Not sex? That's how this works. Control. Power. Domination. They get off knowing they can make you do anything they want. The abused person, having crossed lines already they have never crossed before, almost always goes along with the abuse because they don't have a good reason not to. They start to feel they are responsible, that they really want it, that they are to blame. the abuser uses guilt, shame, coercion, and most importantly, sexual physiology to get his way. The abused responds to the sex whether they like the situation or not, and here is where it all starts becoming jumbled, confused, slippery and everything starts sliding into the Backwords World.

By the time I was 14 I started avoiding him and acting hostile towards him because I was becoming aware of what he was doing. By the time I was 16 I started encouraging my mother to get rid of him because he was an abusive asshole towards her, she
finally listened after about a year.

This is typical, where the abused matures and the abuser has less control. It's not 100%. Sometimes the abused has become hooked on the sex and longs to recreate the sexual high that the combination of taboo, sex, danger and situation collide, and it continues at a ferocious pace. But along with that there comes with it self destructive behavior as the abused feels lost, isolated, anxious, un-tethered, no grounding, so similar to drug addiction, only this drug is sex. They can become hyper-sexual, using what happened as masturbation fantasy, trying to recreate the combination of emotion and sexual desire. Afterwards, they feel deep guilt and shame, falling into "soul-sucking territory". They have no one to talk to, no one to relate to, until the drive to start it all over again in their head comes back, and they continue this, cycling up and down for their entire life.

My dad was there for me more than my mother. He was a good father even though he never provided much. We didn't get along well when I was young because I had an attitude problem and was rebellious, but still running to my dads was my safe haven as a child when the environment at my moms was dangerous. I know if I told him he would either go kill the guy or get himself killed, I was way too scared to.

I'm glad you brought this up. For one, as I said, a dad to run back and forth to is not the same as a dad that is there every day. It hurts a girl growing up, and I am sorry you didn't have that in your life.

But you say you had a rebellious streak " when you were young". I doubt this happened before this boyfriend started molesting you, before 8. So we can say with a probable degree of certainty that the molestation came along with your rebellious streak, yes? That seems likely.

Your reluctance to tell anyone about this is well founded, although sad in every way. 99% of everyone who tells a trusted adult, I have read, lives to regret it. "Trusted" adults have no skills to deal with this information. They retreat into the Backwords World, where abusers are protected and the abused are blamed. Doubtful anyone would have helped, no more than if you would have asked your mom or dad to fly an airplane. They simply have no idea how to proceed.


My mom is a good person but a bad mother. She couldn't be a mother because she was being heavily manipulated and also abused by this man. She was also an alcoholic. She was blind to what was happening to me because of that, I believe. He once poured boiling hot coffee on her when they were arguing which gave her 3rd degree burns. He would push and hit her. She would usually try to lock the doors and keep me from being in the same room as them when they fought, but I sometimes found my way in and tried to attack him for hitting her. Even after all of this she would still talk about marrying him. My mom and I also got into violent physical fights. When she was mad at me she'd throw things or drag me by my hair. I was bad myself, I would break windows and objects around the house in frustration. This stopped after the man was out of the picture. I honestly believe he changed her personality completely the entire time they were together and she was probably extremely depressed. She has become so much better over the years since, but sadly remained an alcoholic which is now causing major health problems for her. She also got hepatitis from him.


It sounds like your mom grew up in abusive conditions also. People who were abused and who don't get help tend to recreate the abuse in their own lives, whether physical, sexual, emotional over and over again. They see it as a kind of love, never knowing real selfless love. This is the only love they know, so they work to keep it whole in their lives. Her talk about marrying him despite the abuse shows just how strong the pull is of the combination of abuse +control + sex + violence + history + lack of competing choices. They have no idea what else to do, so they just give in, rather than fight their way out.

Your own anger issues are pretty troubling for your future.

Picture a horse. Fun to ride, sweet, good natured. Now picture a race horse. Fun to ride, but only for a jockey at the track. Not a pet. They know what it's like to run flat out, as fast as they can. The typical pet horse doesn't know this. It never has done this.

You displayed and played out a side of yourself that other people never have. Regardless of the reason why you did this, you crossed all sorts of lines with your mom that others have not. And once you cross lines, it's much, much easier to cross them again. You'll need to pay very close attention to that, address it, watch for it.

Abuse of every kind, sexual, emotional, physical crosses lines. It's irrelevant whether you instigated the crossing or not, you were involved in the crossing and it rewires your brain, especially in the early years of your life when your brain is very malleable. You have been changed in the crossing, and you need to be very aware of that. For some of us, it's forever. We aren't going to fix it- we are going to learn how to live with it.

School was an escape so I actually loved it. I didn't make good grades until college, though. I graduated from college last summer with a BSc focused in criminal justice.

Very good news. Congratulations. I am very proud of you.


Hello. I was sexually abused by my mother's now ex-boyfriend as a child over several years. It has now been around 8 years since I've seen this man. I was too scared and ashamed as a child to tell anyone, and by the time I had the sudden realization of how horrible and disgusting what happened to me was, I felt like it had been too long to bring it up again. Replaced with that fear was anger, and then finally a feeling of moving on. Despite feeling like I've moved on emotionally, I have permanent personal issues which I've always been in denial about this causing. I know it is probably the abuse which caused them, but it hurts to admit it because it makes me angry at this person all over again for ruining my life. I am now halfway through my 20's and have turned down every relationship possibility thrown at me. I am terrified of emotional intimacy. I thought physical intimacy would be the problem, but it isn't. I simply feel terrified of getting close to people romantically. It even troubles my normal friendships because I do not like showing my feelings. People who don't know me think I'm non-empathetic, but it's actually the opposite - I just hide it all away. I have extremely bad social anxiety, which makes forming new relationship with people nearly impossible. It makes trying to get a career a nightmare. It honestly makes me feel like I'll never overcome this and I'll die as a lonely failure.


I have saved these last two paragraphs for the end.

Your emotions are consistent with what all of us have felt after trauma. Anger, anxiety, confusion, isolation, worry, separation, fear, same guilt, reluctance to engage with intimacy, difficulty in showing feelings, all of it, we have all been there. This is what trauma births. It is horrific, catastrophic, destructive and can bring you to your knees in a heartbeat.

What makes abuse so long lasting, sad, tragic is how long lasting the after effects are. You can't wish them away, you can't drink them away, you can't hope them away, you can't will them away. You have to spend time with a therapist skilled in trauma to find a path that allows you to live your life without having this trauma cripple you. You are not likely to "move on" on your own. You need help for all of this, the violence, the sexual abuse, the lack of decent role models, how it all shaped the person you are today. Without help, you are more likely to repeat the scenarios that today you wish never happened to you.

I suppose my question is - is my past abuse really a factor in these problems I have now? Up until recently I've denied it so much, but I can't really anymore after years of it creeping up on me and slowly realizing how bad my anxiety about people is. Also, does anyone who might have been/is in a similar situation have any advice for me? I'm not sure how to move on and face my fears. They are extremely strong and make living a normal life seem so farfetched. Only a few select people in my life know about what happened. My mother does not, because I feel like it would destroy her with guilt. Only a few of my closest friends. That is why it feels so weird to post on here. Do counselors really help? I want to start my life finally, but I feel stuck, like any step forward is walking off a cliff.

Lastly, remember that people are uncomfortable hearing about sexual abuse. So pick the people you open up to about carefully. Boyfriends/lovers are especially unpredictable. Have your therapist help you in who to tell, what to tell, when to tell, why to tell, and what to tell. Just a reminder.


Find a therapist skilled in trauma. Buy the book " The Body Keeps The Score". Let go of the guilt and shame, you were not responsible for any of this, and accept the fact that you have been changed. Stay healthy. Eat right. Work out. Push yourself to open up to good friends. Work hard to not replicate what happened to you. Stay on top of your game.

You're young and we will see you go on to great things. I wish you the best.

Wow, thanks so much for taking all the time to type out and explain every detail you know to me. I really appreciate it. I feel slightly better after doing this and I'm glad I came here. I was looking for people who understood but I didn't expect anything at first. I looked up the book and people seem to really stand by it so I think the book will be my first step after this, then I might look into a therapist eventually. Thanks for caring about a stranger, it means a lot. I'll try to keep all of your advice in mind from now on.

BrassPetals wrote:Wow, thanks so much for taking all the time to type out and explain every detail you know to me. I really appreciate it. I feel slightly better after doing this and I'm glad I came here. I was looking for people who understood but I didn't expect anything at first. I looked up the book and people seem to really stand by it so I think the book will be my first step after this, then I might look into a therapist eventually. Thanks for caring about a stranger, it means a lot. I'll try to keep all of your advice in mind from now on.

You're welcome. I was happy to do it.

We're not strangers. We're comrades. Just like everyone on this board, posters, moderators, volunteers, we're comrades helping each other along because we can. We have all been there, and being of service is one way of winning the battle.

Your fears won't win if you don't let them. You can win, and you can, at some point, help someone else overcome their fears, just like we helped you. You just need to believe you can win. That's all.

Be well in this New Year, and stay in touch with us about your life. As always, we wish you the best.