Hi,
The thing is when I was very young (under 4?) I was in foster care for a short while, as my parents (long story) had been accused of physically abusing my brother (he was born with a medical condition). However, by the time I was four, we were back with our family as they found out they hadn’t abused him.
Anyway, my point is, I can’t really remember much about that time, I was so young. But I do remember having a dream one night around that time (shortly after or during). It was dark (in my grandmothers’ house) and this creepy man making weird noises followed me around, and I was really scared of him, and kept trying to get my grandma to help me. I apparently told my mum his description and that it was a scary dream and she was worried that this was some guy I had met through being in foster care. Around this time also I began being really afraid of men. There are pictures of me when my uncle came to visit when I was about three and you can just see on my face that I don’t want him near him (trust me, not him, I remember being scared of men in general). Whilst yes, it is common for children to have nightmares and be scared, there is something odd about it that haunts me.
It almost seems sexual. Its sounds odd, but the way he was following me around, and the way I was scared of men. The reason I was scared was if they would be interested in me in I guess a ‘sexual’ way? Its hard to explain, because at that age I didn’t know what sex was, but I seemed to understand that men like women/girls a certain way, and I was afraid that they would view me as that. Is it possible that I was sexually abused whilst I was in foster care??
Just in case it helps, I did show some slight sexual behaviour as a child – not public or anything, but I always lay on my stomach, and when I was much younger I would sort of grind against the mattress? (didn’t know what sex was) Sorry that sounds odd, and whenever I saw, say a couple innocently kiss in a movie, it gave me a funny feelings down there (and I assumed this was needing to use the bathroom). I know this also sounds really odd, but I am a virgin, but a part of me just feels like I’m not pure and I don’t know why that is.
I’ve also always had a very low self-esteem and confidence issues as well.
Does this sound like I was sexually abused? Its just so hard to tell because I was so young and part of me just doesn’t want to remember. I just feel like I’ve been sexually violated and its heart-breaking.