I am my own oppression? *TRIGGER WARNING*

Please help me. I want amnesia or a voice... triggering, I guess

I have been sexually abused by my older cousin since I was four. I'm twenty-one now. I say it started when I was four, because that's as far back as I can remember. My earliest memory is literally his hand down my pants, groping me.

That carried on until I was five or six- I was in school at the time, at least. Apparently, he was too rough on me, because I got an infection and the doctor told my mother straight out that I was being abused. She started crying, so I told. I actually told. The part after that is a bit hazy in my memory. I can just remember a nice lady officer asking me questions, but all I did was cry because I was afraid. I had to speak to a therapist at my school too. I cried, also, because I was scared. But I remember having to do this little worksheet, where I had to mark the spot on a little stick person "where he touched".

Anyway, as for my cousin, he was a younger teen at the time. Apparently, the cops just spoke to him, because nothing really came of it, and he never got in trouble.

He stayed away for a little while but then he came back. I'll say right now that he was never actually violent with me, he never forced me. In my head, I thought it was just something I had to go through. Even after I told, and he came back to do it again, even though I had the knowledge that it was wrong, I just thought "we'll, maybe it's just something that just I have to go through"

It kept happening long after that. I can't even pinpoint when it was actually possible that I lost my virginity and that scares me. I never said no, I never fought him off, I just lay there and zoned off. Throughout school, I had the WORST self-esteem; it was practically nonexistent, and I don't even think I ever had any to begin with. I cried all the time, and everyone just thought I was shy, which I was.

I had many opportunities to tell. One time, me, my cousin, and another cousin(female) were staying at my grandmother's house. She pulled me aside and said that she thought she saw him trying to touch me. She asked me if he did, and I said no.

Once, in sixth grade, we were learning a dance, and I was partnered with this boy I had a crush on, but I could never actually do it, I would start sobbing every time, claiming that I didn't feel well. One of my male teachers asked me to see the principal to see if I was being bullied or abused. The next year, I was in band class, and everytime I had to play by myself in front of everybody, I cried. My teacher- also male- asked the same thing.

I said no to both.

Even he, when I was about six, after performing oral sex on me, asked me if I liked it. I just shook my head, and he said, "Well, why didn't you say so?" I just left.

Did he really ask that? Really? Does he think I liked any of it?

Every time it would happen, I would just let it, then get up, go somewhere else and just cry. I would be feeling mad at myself for never doing anything about it, but then I would be fine a while later. I feel guilt, because I've had so many opportunities to get out of it, but I just, I get like paralyzed, and I can't speak.

I just stay away from him now when I can, but I worry about future relationships. I've never been in a long term relationship, because I get scared and start putting myself down. I think it's impossible for anyone to like me, because of this disgusting thing that I have been living with, but I want to be loved and it hurts. It's so painful, I hate feeling bad about myself all the time, but I don't know how to feel good. It's affecting other parts of my life too. I can't even start college, because I'm not good enough. I can't be around people, it makes me want to cry.

I know I should tell, but I physically can't, and I don't want to tear apart my family. I honestly think that my parents are certain that I don't even remember what they know happened to me, and that makes me feel so much worse for guarding this dirty secret
I know this is kinda choppy, badly written and random, but it was hard to do this. I hate feeling this way, please help me.

Well darlin', you're not the only one to not resist. I was targeted by a pederast, I don't remember him doing much (sometimes I wonder if there's stuff I don't remember) but I definitely remember not resisting his touches. I don't know, my brain was just in neutral or something. And I was the ripe old age of 13 with no prior history of abuse. I can't even imagine the mindset of being abused from an early age- certainly if I was kinda actionless, you're certainly excused for your lack of resistance. (((hugs))) you're not worthless, or dirty.

snaga2.0 wrote:Well darlin', you're not the only one to not resist. I was targeted by a pederast, I don't remember him doing much (sometimes I wonder if there's stuff I don't remember) but I definitely remember not resisting his touches. I don't know, my brain was just in neutral or something. And I was the ripe old age of 13 with no prior history of abuse. I can't even imagine the mindset of being abused from an early age- certainly if I was kinda actionless, you're certainly excused for your lack of resistance. (((hugs))) you're not worthless, or dirty.

Thank you so much. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, even though it is a terrible thing that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I know I'm not supposed to feel worthless or dirty or at fault, but it's kinda automatic. And very hard to get past it, you know? Thank you again. I just wanted someone to know.

Anytime, hon.

Bear in mind all I recall in my case was being fondled, it is literally nothing compared to most victims in this forum. Still even if the degree is much less, the principle is the same, I suppose. With that in mind, a friend of mine, a victim of rape, and I, have gone round and round about how we blame ourselves for the actions of others. I blame myself. She blames herself. We know better, but still...

I can relate with you in case of age, first time I felt something was wrong was at the age of 4 then next it was at the age of 7, and then many other ocassions until I was like 18, maybe. At the first ocassions my brain shut down at some point like some cut piece of film that comes on later again with a part missing in between, later on I didn't have that relief anymore, it even went so far that I was escaping my opressor one time, running through the woods for hours until I found a remote village with a phone booth and organize a pickup from my parents...what I want to state here my brain kinda learned to handle rough situations, maybe that's a useful skill no clue, find something positive...at least it lead to me not getting abused anymore, or at least not giving in, falling in a trance...letting it happen as I grew...still all this stuff, like yourself left me pretty disillusioned, I too have hard times with long term relationships, at some point I always break up, first I thought it was because I felt unworthy, and I didn't want to bother a person I like, with my ###$ up mind and my memories, but also it is 'cause I am still very much scared, like, I can't be at ease when the doors aren't locked, if there are noises outside it rings my alarm bells and I get ready to run. Meaning, in the end every other presence that is close to me at some point gives me a bad feeling, I feel most free/unopressed when there is no one around. I know this will always lead to me leaving a relationship sooner or later, but I just live with it, being free outweighs the benefits of being bound for me, right now!

Sorry if that didn't help, I mean we all want to be loved, but at some point I realized for myself, I can just take small doses of that love/people, or it ###$ up my mindset real bad!

No, you helped. Thank you I hate that anyone feels the way I do, but you just put into words that did I didn't know how to. Sometimes, I will just feel completely uncomfortable around people, even if I know I shouldn't. Like, my family. And I don't think I've ever felt close enough to someone to call them a best friend or anything like that. My cousins call me recluse because I just spend so much time alone, but I feel safer that way. I don't enjoy it. I hate the feeling, and I too can only accept so much love or care before it all just starts to feel fake to me.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too. I hope it gets easier for everyone here. I really do.

snaga2.0 wrote:Anytime, hon.

Bear in mind all I recall in my case was being fondled, it is literally nothing compared to most victims in this forum. Still even if the degree is much less, the principle is the same, I suppose. With that in mind, a friend of mine, a victim of rape, and I, have gone round and round about how we blame ourselves for the actions of others. I blame myself. She blames herself. We know better, but still...

I wholly agree that it doesn't matter what the degree or severity of the case is. It happened; it's wrong, and we're all affected. It's hard to get out of the messy aftermath we're left to deal with. I wish you well. Hopefully, it will get easier. It WILL get easier

(((Hugs))) well it has to get better for you. And if getting better means speaking out about it I pray you find the moxie to do so. If it means leaving it be and moving on, that's good, too.

*Hugs* thank you so much

Y/W

If it were me, I know I'd probably not say anything. Because that's me. I'm avoidant, and I'd blame myself also, yada yada yada. Same as you, I'd be no different.

But when it's someone else, I get angry. Reading your story... irritated me. Not sure who I'm angrier at, the cousin or your parents for not being more proactive after the first incident. I've got a little goddaughter. Someone does that to her, I WILL put the fear of God in them. Even AvPD has its limits.