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GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

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GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby sadmanhere » Thu Mar 26, 2015 3:57 am

My gf told me about her being raped by her uncle when she was young. few month ago. last week she went into more details after i asked questions.

this is what she told me

she lived in another country with her uncle /aunt and cousins

from age 8 to 14 her cousin and uncle molested her everything but anal she said on a daily basis

the cousin in hes 20s and uncle was in his 50s the son didnt know that the father was doing her too
but the father knew the son was

uncle would molest her 2x a week
the cousin she said was regular
the only break she had was on her period


she left and came back to usa ..thats how it ended
the last day she was there the uncle molested her


i can not imagine this... daily basis for 7 years?

the last time she saw her uncle was 2 years ago. shes 31 now so she was 29 at a funeral
and she said she kissed him hello and him to her.. and i asked her why in the world she would do that
and she said she didnt want to be disrespectful and cause a scene ..cause she said everyone was greeting everyone

and the cousin is a facebook friend..i asked her why in the world would she have him as a facebook friend and she said that she added him by mistake cause she thought it was someone else and that she didnt know how to block she said.. i was like just press unfriend...she said he sent her a private message saying that we need to pick up where we left off and a pic of himself

this is a women i am thinking about being with... to hear all this just makes me go crazy

i picture how it was for her and how they treated her. and picture what was going on.

they basically had her as a human toy for them to play with all day long every day
it almost doesnt sound real...made up.. but i believe her

she said she got used to it and when they would come to her room she wouldnt mind it was a escape from reality she said... she said her aunt would beat her.. its like she was more concerned with the beatings

i called a hotline for help for myself i felt everything ...and i think the person at the hotline did more harm to me. she asked me has she had other boyfriends and sexual relations before me and i said yes. she i was ok with it..i said yeah.. she told me to view this as a sexual relationship in her past like the others something that happened before me and her

thats where my brain really went haywire . cause im thinking were they better then me did she did she climax more and better. who had the bigger penis.. did they give it to her rougher does she think of them when shes with me ..is she over them.. ect ect ect all the questions i think of any other guy whos been with my gf.


she was 14 when she went back home..if she didnt go back home when was it going to stop? till she left for college? how does someone let her uncle and cousin both do as they please to her for 7 years.

i know it started at 8 but 14 shes still letting it happen daily? it was willingly..... they did this to another cousin before her dont know the details.

she doesnt want to do anything or talk to anyone..... this has damaged me and i feel second hand abuse.

any comments to the damage that this has caused her? ive read people tell there story how it happened to them and they liked it and wanted more. ive always thought it was made up a lot of them , till i heard hers..

i see how this has effected her from the guys shes picked afterwards and her relationships .

i would like to know the details for some reason.. all the possible details. i would rather know then have my brain wonder.i dont know why it wonders but it does....

i think she should talk to someone...it been 20 year almost and i think she should find her cousin and whoever else they might have got and report it and tell everyone.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby Ada » Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:27 pm

sadmanhere wrote:i know it started at 8 but 14 shes still letting it happen daily? it was willingly..... they did this to another cousin before her dont know the details.

This is where I'd start. It can be hard to understand or relate to abuse. When there's no personal experience. But the degree of mental and emotional abuse that goes along with sexual abuse. Is hard to get your head around. That doesn't mean it's not real. So "willingly." No, not ever. Not being able to tell about it. Not being able to stop it. Going along with it to prevent anything worse happening. None of that is "willingly." You're judging as an adult. And an adult with a very different upbringing to hers. It might help if you think of some area that your parents were irrational about. Where they couldn't be argued with. [Perhaps you had an earlier curfew than friends. Or got grounded more often. They pulled you out of a club or hobby you loved. Something to help you relate to the idea that kids can feel totally helpless against adult decisions.] I'm not saying you were abused by those things. Or that they're "like" abuse. But if you can relate to "knowing" when there's no way to argue with your parents. It might help you begin to understand where your gf's head was at.

sadmanhere wrote:the last time she saw her uncle was 2 years ago. shes 31 now so she was 29 at a funeral
and she said she kissed him hello and him to her.. and i asked her why in the world she would do that
and she said she didnt want to be disrespectful and cause a scene ..cause she said everyone was greeting everyone

Very often, survivors of abuse are blamed for the abuse. The whole family can go into denial that anything bad was going on. And they end up shunning the survivor for telling the truth. So this makes perfect sense to me. It's saying that your gf values her family. Perhaps that she doesn't want to hurt them. Nothing more than that.

sadmanhere wrote:thats where my brain really went haywire . cause im thinking were they better then me did she did she climax more and better. who had the bigger penis.. did they give it to her rougher does she think of them when shes with me ..is she over them.. ect ect ect all the questions i think of any other guy whos been with my gf.

i would like to know the details for some reason.. all the possible details. i would rather know then have my brain wonder.i dont know why it wonders but it does....

That's good that you know it's YOUR brain. This isn't anything to do with your girlfriend. This is around your feelings about this. Please be careful not to abuse her in this. Relating the kind of detail you're talking about. Is likely to mess both of you up further. My guess is that she'd like to keep you totally separate to them. You aren't the kind of man who could act like that. By asking her to make comparisons. You're linking yourself too them. That's not healthy for either of you or the relationship. I get that it's hard having those thoughts. But DON'T share them with her. This article might help http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07 ... y-20130407

I get why you're feeling abused too. But it's not OK for you to "dump in." Your gf has gone through the primary abuse. It's good that you "dumped out" and reached out to a helpline. It might be that some personal counselling would help further. The important thing is that you get support from someone who ISN'T your gf. And keep your feelings separate from hers. Your feelings about her abuse are important. But they aren't more important than hers.

i think she should talk to someone...it been 20 year almost and i think she should find her cousin and whoever else they might have got and report it and tell everyone.

This isn't your decision. You can perhaps say that you will fully support your gf if she chooses to do this. But you can't say what she "should" do. There are lots of reasons why people don't disclose abuse. What if her entire family calls her a liar? What if she goes to the police but they refuse to prosecute? What if her family makes up other lies about her background to "cover up"? This is a potentially life changing decision. And you have no right to make it for her. Sorry to sound harsh about this. But I feel it's important. For most of her childhood, she was told that she had no rights over her own body. To tell her now what she "should" do. Is to say that she has no rights over her story either.

The "damage" this has caused her is up to her to say. No one else can speak for her. Her view of it might change over time. It might have parts that aren't "acceptable" or "comfortable." That's 100% her right. No one has had exactly the same experience. Similar, perhaps. Never identical.

It's super hard to deal with all this. But it's not impossible. And your gf isn't any different now she's told you about it. She's trusting you with the knowledge. That's a big deal for a strong relationship. Looking for ways to "step up to the mark" and work through this with her. At her pace. Is key.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby mrms99 » Thu Mar 26, 2015 3:35 pm

That was such a fine reply by sadmanhere , it makes me want to stand up and applaud.

So I am only going to say I agree totally and the Op would be well off to buy into everything he says. It is her view, her world, her experience that defines her response. It is not anything else.

As someone who has suffered all types of abuse, I can confirm that constant trauma changes you. Your brain wants to do it's best to protect you, and often, and maybe most times, it involves finding a way to emotionally detach, to shut off the hurt by going along with what is happening, especially if you can't get away, can't stop the trauma, such as when you are young.

Staying close to an abuser is very common. I did with one of mine, simply because I had my neural pathways set to emotionally detach when he became abusive again, and now it was much easier to deal with. To stay away was so stressful, so anxiety ridden, that I found myself leaning the way which on the surface seems so completely insane and conflicting.

Bottom line- your wiring changes, and she, your GF, is going the way she sees fit for her to survive. I say, as sadmanhere said, she has already found a way to deal with it, and it seems like it working from what you have told us, at least as far as we, the readers can tell. Now it's your issue to work out, not hers.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby sadmanhere » Fri Mar 27, 2015 12:51 am

this isnt the first time a gf told me this. my last gf told me about a attack and it was a one time thing i never asked questions or thought about it much. like all the reading was said to do. and looking back all the problems we had.. sexually , emotional it was related to that one attack if i think about it hard. but i never allowed myself to probe it cause all the info is dont ask unless shes ready to talk ..dont push her to get therapy ..dont do this or that. and i didnt. i regret not being more aggressive in getting her help or talk about. details would have help me really understand more.

and my first girlfriend same thing. i dont know the details at all didnt ask or push.

well this time i want to know details so i can see whats going on.

the suffering and pain a partner feels is unbearable . we suffer too.... and i cant find no help.

shes locked in her head...right? why is she telling me? what does he expect me to do? uncle rapped me...but im over it now...well if youre over it why are you even telling... im thinking it was a one time thing..i didnt know cause i didnt ask..... thats all the "experts" say dont ask just let them tell you at there pace...........

few weeks later its my uncle and cousin..both of them for 7 years straight.. till the last day i was there... every day.... only break was during period.. but im over it

yeah ok..im supposed to pretend shes fine and take her word for it right? not ask her questions and stuff and have her see someone...

what does she think im going to be like? ohh really wow im sorry..well its over im here now lets both forget it.......

not mad at her..but it effect the partner too...greatly .....and her telling me..made me trigger the past for me with my ex..and i saw looking back i was in denial about her rape..........

i was living in a bubble with her ....the event avoid cause its what everyone wants...to not talk about it............only with they are ready... well looking back i all this pain from denying what was most probably cause to all our problems....

i have 14 years experience as a partner with 3 gf with previous sexual abuse in there past. wow..cause one said it was nothing..like touching..... but who knows for real? all of them problems

i dont know why im drawn or theyre drawn to me but all my gf have had this happen

i get the dont push her to talk or tell if she doesnt want to. but if all of us...the non rapists all reported and done something every time someone said something whether they liked it or not. more people would be saved. even if the person says it happened 20 years ago.. report it.

how the hell does she know shes good? she thinks shes good... you dont know whats going on in a persons head and if its a slow timer waiting to go off
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby tiredofmyself » Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:01 am

i was abused as a child n often have fantasies on getting dominated by a guy. often i've acted on the fantasies.

i've learnt that human beings are creatures of habit. so if abuse is what you've been met with as a kid, then the abuse becomes blue print for future equations or relief seeking acts.

its like racism. no one is born with the idea that people of a particular race are superior to the other race. the belief is fed through upbringing.

what i've learnt from reading about abuse n talking on this forum is that keeping the mind busy helps. the brain keeps on thinking something. so replacing the unhealthy habit with healthy one helps.

TW
maybe you could try other sex acts, like go on a holiday n experiment. make other memories, explore other sources of fun.

working out helps. since the more you work out, the more you relax the mind. but it's not easy to change the habit. i havent been able to let go off it. i dont watch rape porn now or read about rape stories but i know how far my mind will go if i let it run loose.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby Ada » Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:30 am

sadmanhere wrote:i get the dont push her to talk or tell if she doesnt want to. but if all of us...the non rapists all reported and done something every time someone said something whether they liked it or not. more people would be saved. even if the person says it happened 20 years ago.. report it.

I'm really uncomfortable with that word "saved." Saved from what exactly? To be blunt. This reads like you want to be "saved" from her past experience. And no amount of reporting or detail will do that.

how the hell does she know shes good? she thinks shes good... you dont know whats going on in a persons head and if its a slow timer waiting to go off

How do you know you're good? If you're "bad" the following day, were you lying the day before? Like you say, no one knows what's going on in someone else's head. Simply asking them constantly what they're thinking and feeling isn't going to work. It'll come across as intrusion, mistrust, anxiety, anger etc. More relationship killers. Forcing someone to "heal" is not healthy. Seriously, you need help here too. You can't solve your own problems by "fixing" her.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby sadmanhere » Fri Mar 27, 2015 2:26 pm

Ada wrote:
sadmanhere wrote:i get the dont push her to talk or tell if she doesnt want to. but if all of us...the non rapists all reported and done something every time someone said something whether they liked it or not. more people would be saved. even if the person says it happened 20 years ago.. report it.

I'm really uncomfortable with that word "saved." Saved from what exactly? To be blunt. This reads like you want to be "saved" from her past experience. And no amount of reporting or detail will do that.

if everyone reported all cases of known abuse more people will be saved from being molested in the future..


how the hell does she know shes good? she thinks shes good... you dont know whats going on in a persons head and if its a slow timer waiting to go off

How do you know you're good? If you're "bad" the following day, were you lying the day before? Like you say, no one knows what's going on in someone else's head. Simply asking them constantly what they're thinking and feeling isn't going to work. It'll come across as intrusion, mistrust, anxiety, anger etc. More relationship killers. Forcing someone to "heal" is not healthy. Seriously, you need help here too. You can't solve your own problems by "fixing" her.


yeah i do, she told me that she once told her ex husband about it cause he did something to remind her of her cousin and i asked her what and she said she wont tell me that.
so im like what was it and my brain is wondering what it was so i wont do the same thing..made me think too much about it and its hurt me soo many ways.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby mrms99 » Fri Mar 27, 2015 7:27 pm

I see I got my reply all twisted up here.

sadmanhere was the OP, and Ada responded. I somehow saw it as the opposite. I apologize to everyone involved.

Very good advice by Ada.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby sadmanhere » Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:08 am

if you continue to allow someone (her case 2 guys) molest you for 7 years straight almost daily till the last day youre there.. its no longer being molested its sex. when she was 13 and 14 and almost 15 shes having sex with them.. shes welcoming it and not minding it.. its sex.. the molestation turned into sex at some point.. can you honestly say a teenager almost turning 15 i still being molested if shes not being threaten or fear of her life and is simply enjoying what they are doing to her...

i think what bothers her is that how much she enjoyed it and didnt stop it when she got older.. i remember when i was 12 13 14 and almost 15.. i know i would have stopped it if i didnt want it.... i cant knock her at 8 9 10 11 but come on..almost 15 and shes having sex with her cousin and uncle every day??????????????????????????????

-- Wed Apr 01, 2015 1:13 am --

and how didnt she get pregnant ? she said the only time she wasnt have sex with one of them was when she was on her period.
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Re: GF told me about her past abuse and its Hurting me*Triggers*

Postby seabreezeblue » Wed Apr 01, 2015 12:32 pm

To be clear here.. a child that grows up being molested, knows that there is no choice in the matter and knows that it will happen one way or the other will choose the path of least resistance..
Just like any other human being.. a sexually abused child has intense survival instincts and mechanisms.

If you have a choice.. submit or be hurt even more.. what do you choose to do?
You choose to submit.

Your girlfriend stopped the abuse as soon as she was able to.. could you have overpowered a guy in his 20s and one in his 50s when you were 14?
No, you couldn't.

as an afterthought but an important one; when someones mind is under the amount of strain that your girlfriends mind was under.. it's actually highly highly unusual to be able to become pregnant.
(plus maybe condoms/birth control)
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and i'll run round the moon..
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